The reason I go to the local thrift stores and Goodwill shops is because I never know what I’m going to find. This winter wasn’t very fruitful when it came to finding flicks at the Goodwill. In fact, I bet I bought all of five movies from there all year. Two weeks ago though, I found about 15 or so wonderfully weird or incredible hard to find films that I really can’t wait to watch and review. First up is Bill Murray: Live from the Second City. While it wasn’t exactly great; as a lifelong Bill Murray fan, I’m still glad I saw it.

This hour long video has Bill Murray returning to his roots doing comedy at the Second City. It more or less feels like a no budget shot-on-tape version of an episode of Saturday Night Live. First, Murray comes on stage and does some pretty funny stand-up. Then he joins Second City cast members Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky (both of whom would later appear on SNL), Danny Breen (later on Not Necessarily the News), and even a young George Wendt in a handful of sketches.

While it is fun to see Bill Murray throwing his yet-to-be-discovered co-stars a bone, the honest truth is that most of the sketches aren’t very funny. Bill is good, but nearly all of the sketches that don’t feature him are a chore to get through (although the “School Closings” sketch is kinda funny). When he is on stage though, the laughs are sporadic at best. Probably the best sketch is the one that features Murray as a guy with VD who goes to a free clinic ran by nuns. I guess it’s no spottier than your average episode of SNL though.

Overall, Bill Murray: Live from the Second City makes for a good curiosity piece; just don’t expect to laugh a whole lot. But if you’re a big Bill Murray fan like me, you’ll probably still want to check it out. It’s George Wendt who gets the best line when he says, “The problem with going to war with China is that an hour later you want to go to war again!”

Next week’s Thrift Store find is another rarity hosted by a legend of cinema: Around the World with Orson Welles.

Grant Page is an Australian stuntman working in LA on a show called Undercover Girl. When he’s not doing all kinds of zany stunts, he’s hanging out with a rock band named Sorcery who like to go on stage dressed as wizards and blow shit up. Then Grant does some insane stunts. Then Sorcery does some god-awful second-rate Blue Oyster Cult sounding song while performing third-rate magic. Then Grant does some insane stunts. Then Sorcery does some god-awful second-rate Blue… aw… you get the idea….

Widely regarded in some cult circles, Stunt Rock offers its audience nothing more than what the title suggests. It is one part documentary on stuntmen and another part rockumentary on a truly terrible rock band, with a handful of poorly scripted scenes to desperately hold it all together. There’s a bunch of cool stunts and a lot of shitty rock n’ roll numbers, but little else of interest here.

The stunt sequences are actually rather interesting because you get a good feel for what Page and his team really do behind the scenes (Page’s outtakes from his work in Mad Dog Morgan are pretty cool). While these sequences work, all the shit with Sorcery is only marginally entertaining; mostly because it’s so fucking horrible. Not only is their music audible manure, the fucking magic tricks they perform onstage are beyond lame. I mean that dude that dresses up as Merlin is kinda funny, but the rest of the band are so terrible that you’ll want to bludgeon each one of them with their own eight-sized dice.

If you ask me, director Brian (Leprechaun 3) Trenchard-Smith should’ve scrapped all the Sorcery shit and focused all his time on Page and his stunt team. Page is a likeable presence and is fun to watch. In particular, I dug the scene where he climbs out on a wire suspended high above the city just to ask a chick out. But while Trenchard-Smith finds some cool ways to present the stunt material (the split-screen work is impressive), some sequences suffer from a lot of needless padding (like the old timey footage of stuntmen of the silent era).

Ultimately, Stunt Rock is a hodgepodge where nothing gels. I don’t know whether there was any right way to make this movie work though. I mean movie stunts and shitty rock music are an ill-fitting pair to say the least. The aimless pacing and formless presentation doesn’t exactly help. I guess it’s worth watching just for the weirdness factor alone, but it’s not exactly what I’d call a classic of cult cinema or anything.

Look fast for Phil Hartman in a bit part.

AKA: Crash. AKA: Sorcery.

Okay, so this hot chick housesits for her cousin. She gets bored and invites her hot friend over for some drinks. They get smashed pretty quickly and eventually wind up totally lezzing out on each other. In the middle of the night, some gals in skintight leotards and Lone Ranger masks sneak in and kidnap the one chick. Then the cousin comes home and gets it on with her friend. They then decide to rescue the hot chick and of course have a lot more sex.

Directed by Jean (The Grapes of Death) Rollin, Fly Me the French Way is a nice reminder of what made 70’s sex flicks so great. It’s got hairy bushes, belly chains, chicks in weird outfits, guys dressed up as extras from Eyes Wide Shut, and even a little bit of S & M. I’ve got to commend Rollin for giving us some rather hot lesbian scenes that feature pretty explicit bush-on-bush shots. Because of these graphic shots, the flick kinda resides in the middle ground of hardcore and softcore. Some folks will wish Rollin went a bit further on the sex scenes, but I for one thought they were all decent. There are certainly plenty of them; that’s for sure. (The catfight between two sexy maids was probably my favorite.)

The main flaw with Fly Me the French Way is that it runs on a bit too long (over 100 minutes). That and the plot doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Then again, when a ménage a trois in a bubble bath is a major plot point, I guess we shouldn’t worry too much.

AKA: Bacchanales Sexuelles.

(Special Note: As I’m still dealing with a couple of sprained fingers, this review was entirely typed one-handed. This might also account for the pissy tone prevalent throughout the review.)

Some American excavators in Finland discover the body of the original Santa Claus buried deep in the ice. Predictably, that jolly old elf ain’t so jolly and he escapes and kidnaps all the naughty kids in town. It’s then up to the only nice kid in town to team up with the adults to stop Saint Nick and his army of evil elves.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale kinda reminded me of The Thing remake. You see what the filmmakers were going for and you admire what they’re trying to do and all, but they completely fall flat on their face. Nearly all the movie is spent building up this Ancient Killer Santa and once he finally decides to show up, the flick completely shits the bed.

This movie has been labeled as horror film, but I just don’t see it. None of these spooky Santa shenanigans are remotely scary. I guess if seeing a hundred or so naked Santas running around in the snow is the sort of thing that gives you the willies; then you may enjoy it.

Listen up Finland, if you’re going to make a Killer Santa Movie… MAKE A KILLER SANTA MOVIE! Eschew all the dull stuff with the lame-o Finnish folk and deliver on the scenes of Saint Nick slaughter. As is, the flick is pitifully weak in the kills department. One guy gets his ear bit off, and that’s about it in terms of gore. Silent Night Deadly Night 2 this is not.

In short, Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale deserves a shit load of coal in its stocking.

AKA: Rare Exports. AKA: Rare Exports: The Truth About Santa.

Rondo Hatton stars as The Creeper, a misshapen hulk of a man who blames his deformity on his best friend from college. The Creeper goes around the city looking to get revenge on his former pal and he’ll break the back of anyone who gets in his way. In the meantime, he falls in love with a blind piano teacher and steals some jewelry in order to get money for an operation to restore her sight.

The Brute Man was originally going to be released by Universal, but they were kind of ashamed of it, so they pawned it off on the reliable B movie studio, PRC. I’m not sure why Universal didn’t want any part of it, because it’s a decent enough little horror thriller. I think I dug it because it features some of my all-time favorite movie clichés. There’s the Deformed Guy Looking for Revenge, Blind Chicks Falling in Love with Ugly Dudes, and Cantankerous Shopkeepers Bitching Out Their Deliver Boys. Seriously, the Cantankerous Shopkeeper in this movie is one of the greatest in cinema history. The scene where he bitches out his true crime obsessed delivery boy is a laugh riot. (“Creeper, Creeper… YOU GIVE ME THE CREEPS!”) Honestly, this scene alone is almost worth the price of admission.

Rondo is actually pretty good in this movie. Although Hatton was clearly having trouble with some his dialogue, he’s still able to get you to sympathize with his character. I particularly liked his relationship with the blind chick.

Director Jean Yarbrough has a tendency of letting the pacing slack up every now and then. There are probably one too many scenes of The Creeper… well… creeping around in this movie. Yarbrough is unable to liven these scenes up and relies too heavily on shots of Rondo’s feet shuffling around. Plus, a good chunk of the movie is made up of scenes of Rondo trying to climb up a fire escape. Other than that, The Brute Man delivers more often than not.

The Brute Man is on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of 1946 at the Number 9 spot, which puts it in between Little Giant and The Stranger.

AKA: The Brute.

A dingbat chick inherits a ranch, which is run by Gene Autry. Gene is made the executor of the estate and is given power to approve her relationships with gentleman callers. In no time she gets engaged to some asshole banker who wants to steal the ranch out from under her. Gene of course doesn’t trust him, so he vetoes the marriage. The no good bastard then tries to kill Autry, which naturally doesn’t go as planned.

Gold Mine in the Sky is yet another Gene Autry western that features a thin plot and lots of padding. And by “padding”, I mean there’s a bunch of singing. Fortunately, the bulk of the songs in this one aren’t too bad; the highlight being the title tune.

Despite a skimpy 58 minute running time, Gold Mine in the Sky still has plenty of lulls in the action. What action we do get is rather decent though. Probably the best scene comes when Autry jumps onto a convoy of trucks, which kinda plays like a predecessor to the truck chase in Raiders of the Lost Ark. We also get a good scene where a bad guy challenges Gene’s horse, Champion to a race.

Bottom Line: Gene doesn’t reinvent the wheel on this one, but it's a solid enough oater nonetheless.

HEART OF THE RIO GRANDE (1942) **

A schoolteacher and a bunch of bratty schoolgirls come to stay on Gene Autry’s dude ranch. One little girl is particularly miserable at the ranch and is always doing stuff like stowing away on trains, stealing cars, and stuff like that. Eventually Gene teaches her not to be so damn bitchy all the time and she winds up being an OK cowgirl.

Gene has to deal with a bunch of annoying schoolgirls in this movie, so that means the flick is much cutesier and kid oriented than a lot of his pictures. Plus, Gene’s relationship with the demure schoolmarm was a bit saccharine for me. Still, Gene does a smashing rendition of “Deep in the Heart of Texas”, so it’s not a total loss or anything.

One way that makes Heart of the Rio Grande different than most of Autry’s movies is that Gene and his sidekick Smiley Burnette are both competing for the affection of the same girl. (Guess who wins.) In fact, if you favor Smiley over Gene, you’ll probably really enjoy this movie. Smiley gets some OK shtick in this one and even gets a sidekick of his own in the form of a little kid named Tadpole who dresses exactly like him. However, the film is sorely lacking in the action department, so overall, it’s kind of a disappointment.

At first, Martin Lawrence may seem like kind of an odd choice to be named a Legend of the Silver Screen. But if you’ve ever seen either Blue Streak or Black Knight, you know the man has what it takes to be Legendary. He can make as many of those Big Momma’s House movies as he wants. Because Blue Streak and Black Knight exist, I’m willing to give him a Mulligan for just about every other movie he’s ever made.

First up is…

BLUE STREAK (1999) ***

Martin Lawrence stars as a cat burglar who steals a diamond. While being pursued by the cops, he stashes the rock in the ventilation shaft of a building that’s under construction. After serving two years in jail, Martin goes back to the building, only to find out that it has now become a police station. He then poses as a cop to get his hands on the diamond, but winds up being called into active duty; effectively becoming a goddamned hero in the process.

Blue Streak is one of the greatest films ever made in my favorite subgenre; The Idiot Hero Movie. Like Corky Romano and The Man Who Knew Too Little, all of the characters think Martin Lawrence is a badass, but by sheer coincidence and dumb luck he winds up living up to his reputation. And then some.

Director Les (the Miracle on 34th Street remake) Mayfield proves that he has a good feel for the action comedy genre. He’s smart enough to know when to let Martin loose and when to rein him in and let the supporting cast do their thing. And with a supporting cast that includes Dave Chappelle, William Forsythe, and Luke Wilson; why not? In fact, the thing that makes Blue Streak so funny is Wilson and Forsythe’s reactions to Lawrence’s antics. Sure, Martin is funny and all, but I’d say the little side business between Luke and William is even funnier. (“You don’t get that kind of training at the academy!”)

Blue Streak takes a bit too long to get the ball rolling, and the subplot with Lawrence’s ex-partner (Peter Greene) trying to steal the diamond back doesn’t exactly work, but the flick is still a minor classic in my eyes. I don’t know why Martin didn’t make any sequels to this one. He made so many of those damned Big Mamma movies, so why not make a franchise out of Blue Streak? It boggles the mind.

Next up is…

BLACK KNIGHT (2001) ***

Martin Lawrence works at a medieval times theme park. He gets transported into medieval times FOR REAL when he falls into the moat. There, he poses as a jester in order not to be killed by the king. But when the royal court learns Martin isn’t who he claims to be, he joins up with the resistance to restore the throne.

Black Knight is kinda like Army of Darkness minus the skeletons. While Martin Lawrence is definitely no Bruce Campbell, he does a solid job. Although he’s not really funny when he’s mugging for the camera in the present day scenes, once Lawrence goes to medieval times the movie really kicks into gear. It’s here where we get treated to several fine moments of uproarious comedy. Some of my favorite scenes include when Martin tries to use a medieval toilet, witnesses an execution, and bangs the king’s daughter. (“You’re daughter’s a freeeeeaaak!”)

This movie makes a perfect Idiot Hero double feature with Blue Streak. Both flicks feature scenes of people thinking Martin Lawrence is some kind of badass (or in this case the fabled “Black Knight”) when he’s more or less a buffoon. And as with Blue Streak, everyone’s reactions to Lawrence are just as funny as Lawrence himself. I especially liked Tom Wilkinson as the drunken knight who gradually picks up on 21st century slang. I mean anytime you’ve got a drunken medieval knight saying shit like “That was tight!”; it’s pretty much a guaranteed recipe for epic hilarity.

And finally we have…

BAD BOYS 2 (2003) **

I don’t know who exactly asked for a sequel to Bad Boys (probably Martin Lawrence and Will Smith’s agents), but we got one anyway. This is the one where Michael Bay fully flipped his shit and went over to the Dark Side. To me, Michael Bay always seemed like the director version of Anakin Skywalker. He’s a guy who started out with a lot of promise (I think The Rock is one of the greatest action flicks of the 90’s) before turning into a twisted, soulless version of himself.

Bad Boys 2 is more or less Bad Boys 1 on steroids. It’s bigger, louder, and longer. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s “better” though. The plot; such as it is, revolves around Lawrence and Smith going after a drug kingpin who smuggles dope in cadavers. Mostly though the flick just consists of the duo yelling at each other; which isn’t very funny.

There are a few memorable action moments along the way. The freeway chase where cars tumble off the back of a tractor trailer is pretty good; as is a shootout with some Haitian snitches. If only they weren’t shot and edited into oblivion, they would’ve been even more effective. Unfortunately, they were shot in Bay-O-Vision, so you know what to expect.

In small doses I don’t think this would’ve been so bad. The thing that really killed the movie was its ungodly length. Seriously, two and a half hours for a fucking Bad Boys sequel is just way too fucking long. I guess it wouldn’t have been so bad if the action sequences didn’t get repetitive. I mean in the beginning the bad guys hurl cars at our heroes during a chase sequence and by the end they’re throwing cadavers. It’s like levels in a video game; same shit, different obstacles.

And is it just me or is the casting all ass backwards? Why is Martin Lawrence the low key one of the duo and Smith is the loudmouth? I think it would’ve played better if the roles were reversed. On top of that, all of Lawrence’s anger management shtick just isn’t funny at all. I guess it says a lot when Dan Marino gives the best performance of the movie. (And incidentally, it’s his best performance since Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.)

Incredibly, Ron (Bull Durham) Shelton helped write this mess.

AKA: Good Cops: Bad Boys 2.

Next week’s Legend: William Shatner.

Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson are hitmen who botch a hit and have to lie low in Bruges. (It’s in Belgium.) While waiting to hear from their boss (Ralph Fiennes) Gleeson spends most of his time sightseeing, much to Farrell’s chagrin. Once Fiennes finally gets in touch with Gleeson, he tells him to kill Farrell. When he refuses, Fiennes has to come to Bruges to do the job himself.

In Bruges features a pair of excellent performances from the two leads. Farrell in particular is fun to watch. I’m not saying he’s as good as he was as Bullseye, but it’s definitely a close second. The way his character goes from frantic mania to quiet melancholy is rather impressive.

Likewise, the film itself often shifts from comedy to drama, often within the same scene. The flick is able to walk a tightrope in terms of tone as some hilarious moments are punctuated with depressing sadness and vice versa. Unfortunately, once Fiennes enters the picture, things sorta fizzle out. While his performance is full of blustering bravado, his character kinda ruins the enchanting mood writer/director Martin McDonagh had manage to create during the film’s first hour. After he pops up, the flick devolves into the usual hitman comedy formula.

All qualms asides, you should definitely check this out; especially if you ever wanted to see Colin Farrell karate chop a dwarf.

Two college dicks do their final exam project on fear. They grab a camera, talk to fellow students, and interview them about what scares them most. After the project is over, one guy continues on with the experiment. Naturally, he takes things way too far and winds up killing people by exposing them to their worst fears.

Based on a short story by Clive Barker, Dread has a few striking and memorable scenes. The part where a maniac hacks up a family with an axe is pretty cool, mostly because the whole scene is filmed with Axe-Cam. There’s another nifty sequence where the asshole killer goes into a strip club and imagines the dancers being slashed up right in front of him. And there’s a nightmare sequence where he goes downtown on a chick that ends on a rather shocking note.

Ultimately, the flick completely falls apart once the mentally unbalanced study buddy goes psycho and turns into a third rate Jigsaw. It’s kind of a shame too because the first half of the flick is well constructed and offers up some cool stuff. It’s almost as if everyone involved gave up trying to make a unique horror film and said, “Fuck it, let’s just kill everybody! It’s easier.” Still, there’s enough good moments here for me to chalk it up under the “Nice Try” category.

Well, if you follow me on Twitter you know that I recently hit the mother lode at the Thrift Store. I got tons of VHS tapes, ranging from Godzilla movies, to Dinosaur flicks, to some impossible to find rarities. It’s with one of those rarities we’ll begin with next week when we take a look at Bill Murray: Live from the Second City.

There were a lot of movies about scandalous White House intrigue in ‘97. We had Murder at 1600, Absolute Power, and this flick. It’s definitely the weakest of the three. By far.

Charlie Sheen stars as an aide to the President (Sam Waterson) who uncovers a conspiracy within the walls of the White House. Sheen’s mentor (Donald Sutherland) turns out to be the man orchestrating the conspiracy (Oh come on, I’m not spoiling a damned thing. When is it NOT Donald Sutherland?) and he sends out a hitman (Stephen Lang) to kill him. Chuck then teams up with a lady reporter (Linda Hamilton) to blow the whistle on the conspiracy; not to mention save the President’s life.

How did they manage to fuck this up? I mean we’ve got the director of Rambo: First Blood Part 2, George P. Cosmatos calling the shots and Chuck Sheen kicking ass. This kind of team-up should’ve been a grand slam. How did it go wrong?

Just about every which way possible; that’s how.

Damn, is this ever one mind-numbing movie. The whole plot goes nowhere fast, endlessly spinning its wheels. Sheen and Hamilton do some snooping, almost get caught by the authorities, run for their lives, and then the whole cycle repeats itself.

What’s rather amazing about this movie is that it manages to waste an impressive supporting cast. In addition to Sutherland and Waterson, Ben Gazzara, Paul Gleason, Terry O’Quinn, and Gore Vidal are given virtually nothing to do. Only Stephen Lang registers, but that’s mostly because he’s still stuck in Party Crasher mode. Every once and a while, he walks into a building and mercilessly guns down a bunch of people. Although these scenes work from a visceral standpoint, logically they make no sense. Most people would run from the sound of screaming and gunfire. Apparently, these bozos were just hang around waiting to get killed.

The ending is a fucking joke too. Lang tries to kill the Prez by using a remote controlled helicopter armed with tiny missiles. How does Chuck take it out? By unleashing a bunch of fucking balloons on it. It’s pathetic.

The flick is also appallingly low on Sheenage. Chuck’s character is bland as Hell and he features none of the aspects we’ve come to love from the man (i.e. drug use, womanizing, brazen recklessness in the face of danger, hilarious one-liners, etc.). There is one scene where he asks a security guard how the O’s are doing, so that was pretty cool though.

We also get a scene in the middle of the picture where an action sequence happens in front of a movie theater that’s playing Touch of Evil. All I kept thinking was I wish I was inside of that theater watching Touch of Evil and not trapped on my sofa watching this crap. Seriously, it’s one of Chuck’s worst.

AKA: The Target.

Everyone I’ve talked to has hated it. All the reviews I’ve read have been negative. So I went into Dark Shadows with low expectations. Because of my low expectations (or perhaps my complete lack of taste), I had a lot of fun with it.

And for me to say that I liked the latest Tim Burton/Johnny Depp collaboration (or “collab” as the kids say nowadays) is kind of a big deal. Their past two films, Alice in Wonderland and Sweeney Todd were both plenty bad. While it isn’t exactly a return to form for the pair, Dark Shadows is definitely a step in the right direction.

Probably the real reason I had so much fun with Dark Shadows is because I saw it at the Clayton Theatre. If you’ve never heard of it, it’s the only single screen old timey theater left in Delaware. Not only is the theater like walking into a time warp; the prices are low ($2 for popcorn) and they show Gumby cartoons before the previews instead of stupid commercials.

The first Gumby cartoon was The Black Knight (***). In this short, Gumby goes to medieval times where he uses an industrial magnet to remove a knight’s armor. Then he gets challenged to a jousting contest by the titular villain. Naturally, Gumby uses the magnet again to relieve The Black Knight of his armor and publicly shame him in front of the king.

This cartoon was pretty funny. It wasn’t as funny as the Martin Lawrence movie Black Knight, but it had its moments. I do have to take points off because Gumby’s beloved sidekick is nowhere to be found. I mean really, Pokey should’ve been Gumby’s horse during the jousting scene. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Other than that, I liked it OK.

Next up was The Block Heads (***). Gumby and his pal Pokey are being chased by their mortal enemies, The Block Heads when they sneak inside a book about the old west. Thinking they’ve lost them, Gumby and Pokey head down to the saloon for a milkshake. The Block Heads worm their way inside the book and manage to kidnap Pokey. Naturally, Gumby has to rescue his faithful pal.

The western setting really enhanced this cartoon. There are also a couple genuine laugh-out-loud moments to be had as well. However, the extended chase scene that concludes the short goes on too long and isn’t all that funny. Despite its flaws, it was still a great way to kick off the night.

Then the movie started up.

Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) is in love with this hot chick, but since a jealous witch (Eva Green) is in love with him too, she kills his girlfriend and curses him to be a vampire. She also turns the townsfolk against him and they lock him up in a coffin and bury him alive. Cut to 1972 where Barnabas awakens from his centuries-long slumber to once again take up residence at his ancestral home. Of course, the witch is still hanging around and sets out to cause Barnabas and his family even more grief.

I know a lot of people complained about Barnabas’ look in this movie. A lot of people have asked the question, why is Barnabas Collins’ face so white? My guess is that he just found out his movie was opening up the week after The Avengers.

Joking aside, while some die-hard fans of the old soap opera will probably get pissed about the liberties that Tim Burton has taken with the source material, I thought they actually added to the experience. I’m sure fans will take issue that Burton turned the film into a gothic version of The Brady Bunch Movie, but I’ll be goddamned if Johnny Depp doesn’t sell the fish-out-of-water jokes it for all they're worth. He gets a lot of Jonathan Frid’s posturing right, yet is able to make the role his own. This is definitely his best performance in a long time.

If you came to the party wanting a good gothic soap opera, there is a measure of that here. The prologue is appropriately dark, offering a great mix of over the top melodrama and heavily stylized histrionics. Even when the movie switches gears and turns into a comedy, it still feels more or less like a soap opera as the love triangle between Barnabas, the witch, and his true love keeps chasing its tail seemingly without resolution. (Nothing says “soap opera” like an unending love triangle.)

When the love triangle does sort itself out, it comes via a cavalcade of special effects. It’s here where Burton more or less throws up his hands and lets the CGI take over. The whole effects-laden finale is pretty grating and feels like an exhausting amalgam of Death Becomes Her, Beetlejuice, The Exorcist, and The Amityville Horror. Although Burton pretty much air balls the ending, the rest of Dark Shadows is still plenty entertaining; especially if you watch a couple of Gumby cartoons beforehand.

A diabolical douchebag finds a feral woman living in the woods. He takes it upon himself to capture her, lock her in his shed, and with the help of his disbelieving family; he hopes to civilize her. It does not go well.

That plot description of course does not do this movie justice, but then again, The Woman is a film where the less you know about it, the better off you are. The way director Lucky McKee nonchalantly allows the horror to build is rather masterful. McKee is a guy who has a knack for female-centric horror. The Woman, like McKee’s May or his Masters of Horror episode, Sick Girl; is another powerful outing from one of the most idiosyncratic voices in modern horror.

The Woman is a totally disarming horror film. That’s mostly because of the matter of fact way McKee presents the horror. The look of the film is akin to a Lifetime Movie. Because of the mundane manner in which the movie is filmed, it makes you let your guard down. Then in the final act, McKee pummels the audience with sucker punch after sucker punch. Also, the indie folk rock soundtrack is effectively out of place. By replacing your standard issue horror soundtrack with something as unassuming as a Jack Johnson knockoff puts the audience off balance.

A lot of what makes the movie work is Sean Bridgers' performance as the psychotic patriarch of the family. It’s truly the stuff of nightmares. The casual way he commits blood-curdling atrocities puts you in the mind of Michael Rooker in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Yes folks, he’s that good.

I do have to say that this movie is not fun to watch. McKee really puts you through the ringer. I can honestly tell you that I have no desire to watch it again anytime soon. It’s one of those rare movies like Deliverance where if you’ve seen it once, you don’t want to watch it again. I can’t say I “enjoyed” it, but I certainly admire the craftsmanship that went into it.

I’m going to tell you that overall, The Woman is not completely successful. Nitpicking the movie wouldn’t do a whole lot of good though. The fact is that this flick is just weird, eerie, offbeat, and original enough to make what qualms I had with it not amount to much. Just knowing that this flick left me fairly disturbed should be your cue to check it out ASAP.

Gary Daniels stars as a British marine named Hawk who comes to America to avenge the death of his half-brother. Hawk joins up with his late brother’s partner (Jayne Heitmeyer from Sci-Fighters) to find the men responsible. Together they uncover an organ harvesting plot by a villainous ex-marine.

As the plot of Hawk’s Vengeance slowly unfolds, you begin to realize that it is in fact, a sequel to Snake Eater! However, since Lorenzo Lamas’ role was recast and his character killed off two minutes into the film, it’s kind of easy to accept it on its own terms. Still though, how did the filmmakers think they could get away with killing off Soldier like that? The least they could’ve done was have Lorenzo turn up for a cameo so he could’ve passed the torch to Daniels in a proper manner.

As a Snake Eater sequel, Hawk’s Vengeance isn’t up to snuff. As a Gary Daniels vehicle, it’s a decent enough flick I suppose. The fight scenes are competent. I dug the scene where an intruder snuck into Gary’s house and beat him over the head repeatedly with a frying pan. There’s also a rather good fight involving broken mirror shards too. My favorite moment though was the scene where Daniels discourages a couple of bar patrons from hitting on Heitmeyer and threatening to leave them “crippled and toothless”.

Daniels is solid in the acting department here. On the action side of things, the film is an OK spotlight for his Kung Fu prowess. Heitmeyer, who in my opinion should’ve gone on to a better career is very good as his partner and has a couple of nice moments with Daniels. I also liked the bit where she shocked a chick using a defibrillator.

Overall, the pendulum of quality sways back and forth throughout the course of Hawk’s Vengeance. For every cool action bit, there’s an inevitable dull spot, most of which involves boring plot stuff. I will say that it deserves special merit for the scene where Daniels disguises himself as a Rabbi to get the drop on the bad guys. It’s scenes like this that make it impossible to completely dismiss this movie.

AKA: Hawke’s Revenge.

Required Reading:

Comeuppance Reviews’ review of Hawk’s Vengeance: http://www.comeuppancereviews.com/2012/05/hawks-vengeance-1996.html

Direct to Video Connoisseur’s review of Hawk’s Vengeance: http://www.mattmovieguy.com/2010/04/hawks-vengeance-1997.html

The Film Fiend’s review of Hawk’s Vengeance: http://www.thefilmfiend.com/2007/01/hawks-vengeance.html

Mark L. Lester has had an up and down career. For every Class of 1984 there’s a couple of Firestarters. However, because he directed Commando and Showdown in Little Tokyo, the man gets a Lifetime Pass from me. Today, we’ll be taking a look at three of his lesser works from various stages in his career.

First up is…

TRUCK STOP WOMEN (1974) **

Anna (Lieux Dressler) runs a brothel out of her truck stop and also makes money on the side by stealing rigs and selling the inventory. She naturally gets pissed off when her hot daughter Anna (Queen of the Drive-In, Claudia Jennings) falls in love with the Mafioso who’s trying to muscle in on her turf. Anna is eventually able to get some good ol’ boys to help her fight off the Mob, but is her money-making racket really worth losing her daughter over?

Truck Stop Women is a mostly dull melodrama parading as a drive-in exploitation picture. Most of the movie revolves around the dysfunctional relationship between Dressler and Jennings, and very little time is spent on the sleaze the audience came for. Sure, there’s a smattering of nudity here and there, but not nearly as much as you’d expect from a movie called Truck Stop Women. And the unexpectedly downbeat ending just does not work at all.

The thing that really stops the movie on a dime though is the annoyingly shrill performance by Dressler. Every time she opens her damn mouth, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Luckily, Jennings is around to get naked every so often, which is about the only redeeming feature of the entire film. Uschi Digart also pops up (or should I say, pops out) in a bit part too, so that helps.

Occasionally, director Mark L. Lester will liven the proceedings up by tossing in an action scene or a car chase or two. I will admit that some of the action is handled fairly well, especially when you consider the budget. When the movie isn’t being totally boring, you can see glimpses of the greatness yet to come from Lester. Yet that’s about all you get… glimpses.

AKA: Highway Truck Stop. AKA: Road Angels.

MISBEGOTTEN (1998) **

Misbegotten is a late 90’s From Hell movie from director Mark L. Lester. It’s notable for three things. 1. It reteams Lester with Nick Mancuso, who previously collaborated with one another on another From Hell movie, The Ex. 2. It was written by Larry Cohen. 3. It’s the only Sperm Donor From Hell movie I know of. Other than that though, there’s no real reason to get excited about it.

Infertile yuppie couple Nick Mancuso and Lysette (Krull) Anthony receive a sperm donation from someone they think is a musician. Really, it’s from a psychopath (Kevin Dillon) who killed the donor and assumed his identity. When he learns the couple’s whereabouts, Dillon begins stalking them, with the intention to kidnap and torment Anthony.

I’m a sucker for a good From Hell movie and while I think the raw materials were there, Lester is just unable to make it all work. For starters, Lester takes an ungodly amount of time getting the ball rolling. Once things get going, the film offers one or two memorable moments, but the movie goes off the tracks after Dillon kidnaps Anthony. It’s also here when Lester unwisely and unsuccessfully tries to turn the flick into an action movie.

Another debit is the fact that Dillon is just kinda there as the villain. The role needed someone with a bit more menace. The upshot is that Mancuso and Anthony are very good as the couple. Their domestic scenes have a measure of believability to them and they have genuine chemistry together.

There is one great moment here that almost makes the flick worthwhile. It comes when Anthony opens a present at her baby shower and recoils in horror when she finds out it contains a severed head. (I definitely don’t think she put it on the registry.) This moment is just SOOOOO Larry Cohen. Too bad the same can’t be said for the rest of the movie.

GROUPIE (2010) ** ½

A rock band named The Dark Knights are famous for having the guitarist set his arms on fire during his guitar solos. One night, he winds up catching the arena on fire too, resulting in the death of one of their fans. During the band’s comeback tour, a slutty groupie (Taryn Manning) worms her way backstage and into the heart of the pyro guitarist. Pretty soon, she starts killing off the other groupies (including My Bloody Valentine 3-D hottie, Betsy Rue), the manager (Eric Fucking Roberts), and eventually the band members.

Groupie is a solid little thriller that hits all the usual notes you’d expect from a From Hell movie. If you’re a fan of the subgenre, you should enjoy the way director Mark L. Lester keeps the plot chugging right along. The flick clocks in at a scant 78 minutes (one minute less than Lester’s Showdown in Little Tokyo), so it never gets bogged down with useless subplots. It doesn’t overstay its welcome; it comes in, does its thing, and gets outta Dodge. For that and that alone, you’ve got to respect it. If however you aren’t particularly fond of From Hell thrillers, you’ll probably want to skip it.

I only wish the rockers were likeable or at the very least, played music that was actually decent. As it is, these guys aren’t worth stalking. And I do have to take points off for the lack of backstage rock n’ roll debauchery. Sure, we do get a couple shots of topless girls frolicking around, but with Betsy Rue in the cast, I was expecting a bit more.

Rue is very good as the main bitchy groupie. She and Manning worked well together as the competitive star fuckers. And of course, Eric Roberts (who was also in Lester’s Hitman’s Run) just killed it as the band’s manager. Because of their efforts (and Lester’s judicious pacing) Groupie is able to rise (slightly) above the formula.

A know-it-all college gal inherits a ranch and because she just got her degree in animal husbandry, she thinks she can tell the head honcho Gene Autry what’s what. So she and her girlfriends move out on the prairie and annoy the shit out of Gene and his sidekick Smiley. Predictably, some shady land snatcher wants to swindle her out of her deed, so Gene has to kick some ass.

Springtime in the Rockies is a good old fashioned war of the sexes comedy that just so happens to take place out on the prairie. And it’s a pretty funny one too. The way Gene gets back at the girls is pretty great. He puts them up in a dilapidated shack and tells them it’s their ranch. Then at night, he tells them the place is crawling with coyotes. When they go to sleep Gene does a shadow puppet on the wall while Smiley howls and they think a coyote is prowling around. That shit is classic.

Gene Autry is truly awesome in this movie. I loved the scene where he breaks up a fight by forcing the bad guy to sing at gunpoint because as Autry tells it, “It’s impossible to sing and not be happy”. C’mon, you can’t argue with that kind of logic.

The inevitable bad-guy-trying-to-steal-the-ranch subplot kinda slows things down unfortunately. Personally, I loved the movie when it was just Gene and the gals pulling pranks on each other. Still, the villain subplot doesn’t hamper your enjoyment of the film too much. It’s definitely one of my favorite Autry oaters.

PRAIRIE MOON (1938) ** ½

A villain gets gunned down and with his dying breath, he asks Gene Autry to take care of his kids. Gene, being Gene agrees immediately, without realizing that the kids are a bunch of disrespectful troublemaking juvenile delinquents. Meanwhile some other bad guys that are hiding out on the dead dude’s land conspire to get rid of Autry once and for all. Eventually the kids decide old Gene ain’t so bad and they agree to help him fend off the no good villains.

Prairie Moon is kinda like Gene Autry Meets the Bowery Boys. The kids definitely aren’t as funny as Leo Gorcey and Huntz Hall or anything, but they do lend a different kind of energy to the film than the usual Autry flick. Because of that, it makes Prairie Moon memorable. Not “good” per se, but memorable.

The film’s biggest flaw is that it suffers from way too many songs that interfere with the narrative. Gene does get to do a sterling rendition of “In the Jail House Now” though, which is pretty much the highlight of the movie. The rest of the flick doesn’t quite live up to this scene, but at 59 minutes, the film moves along at an agreeable pace.

Thomas Ian Griffith made his big splash in 1989 as the evil Terry Silver in the immortal Karate Kid 3. Right away, I heralded the arrival of a new Legend of the Silver Screen. While Griffith has never quite lived up to the role that made him a star, he’s nevertheless carved out an impressive career starring in decent DTV action flicks, usually playing interesting multi-dimensional villains.

Our first TIG flick is…

HOLLOW POINT (1996) ***

Hollow Point begins with a rather terrific opening scene in which Tia Carrere’s would-be husband reveals to her on their wedding day that his father is a big time kingpin. At the altar, she tells him she’s a Federal agent and tries to arrest the old man. Because all the mobsters left their guns with the coat check girl, no one is able to stop her from escaping the church with her quarry. A rival Fed, played by Thomas Ian Griffith, shows up and manages to snatch him once they leave the church. Naturally, Griffith ends up losing the mobster and he and Carrere grudgingly decide to partner up in order to get him back.

Normally in most movies like this, things go downhill once they start showing a bit of promise. Fortunately director Sidney J. (Iron Eagle) Furie is able to keep the surprises coming at a steady clip. The flick especially livens up once Griffith and Carrere form an alliance with an insane hitman played by Donald Sutherland in order to stop a crime lord played by John Lithgow. Furie gives us a lot of clever tweaks on the usual action beats that help make the film memorable. I particularly liked the scene in the finale when Griffith hops in a forklift, puts the pedal to the metal, and guns it towards Lithgow’s hideout. In most movies, Griffith would’ve burst down the door and got the drop on Lithgow. In this one, the forklift doesn’t even make a dent in the door and Griffith is forced to find another way inside. It’s little quirky touches like this that make you thankful that Furie wasn’t doing this thing by the numbers.

Sutherland is a real joy to watch. He manages to make his character creepy yet likeable at the same time. Only someone like The Don could pull a character like this off. Lithgow is really good too and he plays off Sutherland quite nicely.

Our boy Thomas Ian Griffith is a true badass in this. He’s the only guy I know of that’s badass enough to jump up and say, “Missed me!” when a bad guy almost shoots him with a machine gun. He also gets a great scene where he steals a cop car in order to get himself arrested so he can get close to Sutherland. My favorite moment of his comes when he does a Billy Jack impersonation for a bad guy before kicking his ass.

Griffith also has genuine chemistry with Tia Carrere. There’s a nifty little moment when they piss each other off and they start shooting one another in their bulletproof vests. If you can’t already tell, this is definitely not your average romance.

Hollow Point runs on a bit too long and doesn’t know how to quit while it’s ahead, but it’s still a highly entertaining action flick, especially considering it came from Nu Image. TIG fans will be happy to see Griffith popping painkillers, busting heads, and impersonating Billy Jack for 100 minutes. I mean what more could you possibly want from a film?

Sutherland gets the best line in the movie when he sings: “They’re going to find Uranus on a mountain on Mars!”

Our next Griffith flick is…

KULL THE CONQUEROR (1997) ** ½

Kull the Conqueror was supposed to be Hercules’ Kevin Sorbo’s big shot at movie stardom. As we all know, it didn’t work out. I still sorta like it though. The fact that it has Thomas Ian Griffith, as well as his Hollow Point co-star Tia Carrere as villains certainly helps.

Sorbo stars as Kull, a refugee from Atlantis who gets roped into a scheme by Griffith to dethrone his father (Sven Ole Thorson). When the King is slayed, he names Kull his successor with his dying breath. This naturally gets Griffith’s panties in a bunch and he sets out to awaken an ancient sorceress (Carrere) to kill Kull.

Kull the Conqueror was released at a time when nobody was making Sword and Sorcery flicks, which probably explains why it flopped. As a genre piece, it more or less delivers. It’s got wizards with fucked-up faces, hairy monsters, and extras that look like they wandered in off the set of a Deathstalker sequel. Despite the financial failure of the film, I saw it in the theater and remember kinda digging it. My feelings haven’t really changed all that much from my initial viewing. The flick gets off to a solid start, but it stumbles pretty badly around the halfway mark. Still, the finale where Kull has to kiss an ugly hell beast in order to save the kingdom is pretty damned funny.

Directed by John Nicolella (the man who directed the immortal Don Johnson music video movie, Heartbeat), Kull the Conqueror tries for that good old-fashioned fantasy epic feel. Because of Nicolella’s extensive background in television, the flick winds up looking like an overlong episode of Hercules. For some this won’t be a bad thing. For me… well… I just wish it was a little more badass. The flick also suffers from a truly awful musical score that consists of nothing but out-of-place heavy metal guitar riffs. Seriously, a would-be epic like this needed a good traditional Sword and Sorcery score to beef things up a little bit.

Sorbo was his usual solid self. As always, he’s an extremely likeable hero. If only he was more Conan and less Hercules. (The scene where he refuses to bed a hot slave girl definitely isn’t the sort of thing you’d expect from a barbarian.)

As for Griffith, he’s not quite up to the Terry Silver level of villainy. Then again, a villain like Terry Silver is almost surely impossible to top. I still dug him though and thought his flaming swordfight with Sorbo was rather decent. And I have to give props to the casting department too. Whoever thought of putting Harvey Fierstein in a Sword and Sorcery movie was a goddamned genius.

And our final TIG joint is…

BLACK POINT (2002) **

Thomas Ian Griffith co-wrote and co-stars in this ho-hum thriller as a bad guy who likes to smack his hot wife around. When he goes away on business (i.e. recover a bag full of stolen money), it opens the door for David Caruso to come around and romance her. Of course, when TIG gets wind his wife’s been unfaithful, things turn rather violent.

Black Point starts off as a fairly decent Battered Woman Looking for Love movie. Usually that sort of thing is not my cup of tea, but the performances are strong and the dramatics never veer into Lifetime Movie territory or anything. About halfway through, there’s a pretty good plot twist and the flick morphs into a neo-noir type of thriller. It’s here though when the tension flatlines and the suspense drains completely out of the movie.

Caruso is solid here. I’ve always liked Caruso (going way back to his First Blood days) and I think he got a raw deal from Hollywood. Black Point actually has the distinction of being Caruso’s last feature film (to date) before his newfound success on CSI: Miami.

The movie really belongs to Griffith though. He gives a nuanced portrayal of what; in lesser hands could’ve just been a forgettable one-dimensional baddie. Likewise, without him the film could’ve been forgettable and one-dimensional. He doesn’t quite save the movie, but he makes a valiant effort.

Next week’s Legend: Martin Lawrence.

A drunk and penniless Edgar Allan Poe (John Cusack) spends most of his time either conning bartenders into giving him a drink or trying to get into the pants of his girlfriend (Alice Eve). When a madman starts offing people by using elements from his stories, a detective (Luke Evans) enlists Poe to help find the killer. Naturally, the killer makes things personal when he kidnaps Poe’s gal.

The Raven admirably, albeit unsuccessfully tries to graft a ho-hum whodunit mystery onto a fairly absorbing speculation tale of how Edgar Allan Poe spent his final days. The results are decidedly mixed, yet if you squint hard enough you can find a decent movie hiding at the seams. The opening scenes are actually very well done. I highly enjoyed the scenes of Poe pounding drinks and getting kicked out of bars. I think if the whole flick was nothing but a Barfly remake but with Edgar Allan Poe, it would’ve been pretty sweet because I liked hanging out with the dude.

That’s mostly due to John Cusack’s performance. He’s not the first guy you’d think to play Edgar Allan Poe, but he does an impressive job. Cusack acts pretty manic when he’s hopped up on the hooch and gets a great little oddball moment when he’s teaching a poetry class for lonely maidens. He also gets a lot of good lines, especially when he’s looking down his nose at common folk. (“You mental oyster!”) I also loved the scene where he meets Evans for the first time. Evans asks him to sit down and Cusack responds, “I’ll stand… it makes it easier for me to leave!” If anything else, Cusack shows he could probably give Nicolas Cage a run for his money in the off-kilter eccentric performance department.

The movie itself isn’t great. Once the film veers away from a quirky character piece it becomes a thoroughly disposable period mystery movie. It’s just like every other goddamned whodunit; except… you know… it’s got Edgar Allan Poe helping the cops. And to make matters worse, the kills are all pretty weak and feature way too much fake looking CGI blood.

It also doesn’t help that director James McTeigue films things in a rather flat and pedestrian manner. He doesn’t show any of the style and pizzazz he gave to V for Vendetta or Ninja Assassin and as a result, the flick just lumbers along in the third act when it really should be heating up. And speaking of the third act, the finale is a real letdown. Seriously, it’s the pits.

It would’ve been really cool if the flick ended with Edgar Allan Poe blowing away the bad guy and saying “Nevermore!”

But it doesn’t, so fuck this movie.

If it’s true what they say that horror films are the Grimm Fairy Tales of our time, then Donkey Punch is one that young ladies in the audience need to pay close attention to. It’s all about what can happen to you when you and your girlfriends go on a yacht in the middle of the ocean for some sex and drugs and other assorted debauchery with a bunch of jackasses you don't know. I’m not going to divulge any more details than that as this is definitely one flick you should see cold. If you know what the title refers to, you can probably guess what happens.

Usually, I’d be all like, “Oh if these girls are stupid enough to get on a boat with a bunch of jackasses they just met, they get what they deserve.” However, now that I have a daughter, I kinda view things from a different prism sometimes. If this movie scares just one impressionable female viewer into not getting on a boat with a bunch of jackasses she just met, then the film will have done its job.

As a horror film, Donkey Punch is well crafted and benefits from some believable performances. It also features some really strong death scenes. There is a rather brutal death by flare gun that is as painful to watch as any I’ve seen recently. If it has a flaw it’s that it draws out things a bit too much and runs on far too long. But as a cautionary tale, it serves its purpose quite nicely. I for one hope my daughter sees it before she starts getting interested in boys. It will make my job as a parent a whole lot easier.

Next week’s movie: Dread.

Gary Daniels is on his way home from dropping his daughter off at a sleepover when he gets abducted by some shady scientists who want to turn him into a human lab rat. They shoot him up full of Crazy Juice and pretty soon, Gary is kickboxing the shit out of anything with a heartbeat. Naturally, the sinister agents behind the experiment want to put Daniels down like a dog, but with some help from a nosy reporter, Gary eventually turns the tables on his tormentors.

Rage is a rather spectacular (well, for a PM movie anyway) Gary Daniels vehicle. It’s got tons of action and plenty of goofy scenes to make it memorable. We get a pretty great tanker truck chase as well as a fun scene where Daniels plays chicken with a bus. But while the action is solid through and through, it’s the bizarre little asides that make Rage so much fun. My favorite moment came when Daniels sneaks into someone’s home to use their phone. Little does he know it’s the home of a dominatrix and her sissy slave. What follows is probably the greatest Dominatrix and Her Sissy Slave vs. Gary Daniels fight in cinema history.

Daniels is off the chain in this movie. He’s charming and likeable in the early scenes and a total badass once he becomes a drug-induced kickboxing madman. If you’re a Daniels fan, you really owe it to yourself to see him in this, if only for the incredible scene where he kickboxes the crap out of people while trapped in a straightjacket.

For the first hour, I thought Rage was going to be a classic. Sadly, it loses lot of its traction once the gratuitous TV reporter subplot takes over. It’s here when the movie tries to make a statement about the media and the nation’s inclination to condemn somebody of a crime before they’re proven innocent. Well, a movie like Rage doesn’t need any heavy-handed messages like that. It just needs Gary Daniels kicking the snot out of people for 94 minutes.

Sure, the movie makes some missteps in the third act. That was to be expected I guess. However, the shootout in a video store finale pretty much makes up for it. I especially loved the fact that the store’s inventory consisted of nothing but movies from the PM back catalogue. I think if more movies ended with a shootout in a video store, the world would be a much better place. Don’t ‘cha think?

AKA: Speed Rage.

Required Reading:

Comeuppance Reviews’ review of Rage: http://www.comeuppancereviews.com/2012/05/rage-1995.html

Direct to Video Connoisseur’s review of Rage: http://www.mattmovieguy.com/2009/09/rage-1995.html

MonsterHunter’s review of Rage: http://monsterhunter.coldfusionvideo.com/2009/08/rage-1995/

Faithful readers of The Vacuum know that I will give any movie directed by Jim Wynorski and/or produced by Roger Corman a chance. I actually gave Camel Spiders a chance and a half and it still didn’t do a whole lot for me. It’s not boring and it’s consistently watchable, yet it’s far from the high water mark for either man.

A platoon of troops in Iraq runs afoul of a nest of titular arachnids. When some of the spiders stowaway in the coffin of a fallen soldier, they wind up finding their way to a desert town in Arizona. There the camel spiders soon make short work of the townsfolk before a soldier (Brian Krause from Sleepwalkers) and the sheriff (C. Thomas Howell) finally put their foot down on the nasty beasts.

Camel Spiders is a perfectly serviceable CGI Killer Spider flick, nothing more, nothing less. It was fun for a while, but once the characters convened at the Diner of Never Ending Exposition, things went downhill. I guess my biggest beef with the film is that the kills offer little variation. Just about every death scene involves the victims falling down on the ground screaming while they’re slowly covered by spiders and CGI blood. At least Wynorski was savvy enough to end the flick at a drive-in.

Performance wise, I thought C. Thomas Howell was pretty good. The flick would’ve benefitted from him being in the lead instead of Krause, who’s a bit stiff. Not that you crave high caliber thespianism in something like this, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt.

I will say that I learned something from this movie. Before watching it, I never heard of camel spiders. I actually thought the movie was going to be about camels with six legs. Or at the very least spiders with two humps on their backs. Turns out they’re real. Who says you can’t learn something new?

Best line: “I’m a pacifist… chicks dig it!”

Writing this review is kinda like having an argument with your best friend. You know at the end of the argument you’re going to be cool because of your extended history together. However, there’s a lot of shit you’ve got to get off your chest first before you can fully bury the hatchet and move on.

Let me just say before we begin that I liked The Avengers. I really wanted to love it, but ultimately I had a lot of problems with the thing that very nearly threatened my enjoyment of the film. In some ways, the flick reminded me a lot of Jason Siegel’s Muppets movie. I had a lot of issues with the plot and the treatment of some of the major players, but in the end the movie wound up winning me over because of my love of the characters.

I guess my enjoyment was hampered a bit by the fact that this was a Joss Whedon joint. I can’t say I’m a fan of the man’s work. The only thing I dig of his is Firefly and that’s more because of Nathan FIllion than Whedon. With The Avengers, Joss has made a big budget version of his small screen shows where everyone speaks in irritating snarky tones and hot chicks fight the forces of evil. The hot chicks fighting the forces of evil stuff I can get behind, but the snarky pseudo-cool dialogue is a bit off-putting. If however you’re a fan of Whedon’s, then you should probably disregard this whole paragraph and automatically give it Four Stars. For me though, the whole thing was just too Whedon-y for my tastes.

Whedon’s script also suffers from simultaneously too much and not enough plot. For one, he spends far too much time setting up the MacGuffin of the piece (some damn Rubik’s Cube thingamajig). All he really needed to say was, “The bad guys want this thing!”, but whole scenes are devoted to pointless exposition about this fucking whatsit.

And speaking of which, the villains are some of the lamest you’ve ever seen in a big budget summer blockbuster. They’re basically just faceless aliens that ride around on flying jet skis. They’re pathetic. I mean you get the Avengers assembled for these lame wads? A Marvel Team-Up of Man-Thing and Howard the Duck could’ve probably taken them out. I will say that the final fight IS badass and then some, but really, the Avengers are just shooting fish in a barrel.

But honestly, the flick is more House of Dracula than Destroy All Monsters. And for some reason, the Avengers spend the first half of the movie fighting each other, which is odd. I guess this was to fulfill some fanboy’s need to see Who Can Beat Who, but most of the fights end abruptly and don’t really feature any cool moments. Like House of Dracula, it features an impressive head count of icons, but it really doesn’t make the best use of them.

In addition to the overly exposition-y opening scenes, the early scenes are hampered by Whedon’s need to re-introduce the members of the team to the audience. Seriously, if you haven’t seen Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America: Useless Subtitle, and Iron Man 2, you could watch The Avengers cold and not miss a single beat. In fact, it might be to your advantage since a lot of the character information in the early going is redundant.

If you saw Serenity, Whedon’s Firefly movie, you know he loves killing loveable characters off for no reason other than because he can. Well, presumably because it’s the only storytelling trick he has up his sleeve, he does that shit again here. And I have to say it pissed me off. I understand the character’s sacrifice serves as a wake-up call to the rest of the team, but I think it was totally unnecessary.

Like The Muppets. I was on the fence for most of the movie. I couldn’t quite decide whether I liked it or not. Then the finale kicked a whole bunch of ass, so that ultimately swayed my decision. Some of the action beats knocked my socks off and even the little character moments (like Hulk settling his grudge with Thor) had me in stitches. Again, I wish the heroes had a bit beefier of an opponent to test their mettle against, but the truth is the action in the last twenty minutes of The Avengers is unparalleled in the annals of Superhero Cinema. It is simply a comic book fan’s wet dream. However, I still have to take points off for the middling first half. If I were ranking these things (and trust me, I am), I’d say it was about on par with Marvel’s Thor and Captain America movies.

Speaking of ranking superheroes, I thought since the characters were the best thing about the film, I’d rank them in terms of who fared the best within the context of the film:

1. The Incredible Hulk. While Mark Ruffalo (who I guess is now the Ray Stevenson of the Hulk franchise) will never equal Edward Norton (or Bill Bixby for that matter), he did a nice job as Bruce Banner. Once he Hulks out though, things get off the hook. If you thought Hulk was cool in The Incredible Hulk, you ain’t seen shit yet. Everything Hulk does in this movie is badass. From crushing the shit out of UFOs to laying the smackdown on Loki, whenever Hulk smashes, the movie kicks it up to 11.

2. Black Widow. Surprisingly, Scarlett Johansson kicks tons of butt in this movie. We all know that she’s sexy as Hell, but she fares very well in her action scenes too. She’s especially good whenever she’s interrogating her enemies and using her feminine wiles to make them divulge their secrets.

3. Iron Man. The role of Tony Stark continues to fit Robert Downey Jr. like a glove. If anyone was worried he would overshadow the rest of the cast, you’ll be glad to know that he doesn’t. Sure, he gets some of the flashiest dialogue scenes, but he proves he can be a team member. (Of course, everyone on the team has to Learn to Work Well With Others; yet another gratuitous subplot in this thing.)

4. Captain America. Chris Evans does another fine turn as Cap, despite being given a crummy costume this time out. He’s really good at being a team leader in the late stages of the film. Too bad he spends half the movie as a glorified bouncer; breaking up all the petty squabbles and all-out brawls between his teammates.

5. Thor. I really loved Chris Hemsworth in Thor and thought his performance sold the movie. However, his main job in The Avenger seems to be to get his brother Loki to come to his senses and give the cube back. That leaves him little time for his hilarious fish-out-of-water antics and awesome boasting that made the character so endearing in the first place.

6. Nick Fury. Despite being the glue that keeps the team together, Nick Fury doesn’t do a whole lot in the movie. I thought he’d get a moment or two to showcase what a badass he is (especially since he’s played by Samuel L. Jackson), but no. Sure, he gets one or two good lines, but his basic function in the movie is to spout a bunch of exposition and use reverse psychology to guilt trip superheroes into getting their shit together.

7. Hawkeye. I really liked Jeremy Renner in this, but what Joss Whedon did to his character is a travesty. I hated the fact that right from scene one, Loki makes Hawkeye his bitch. Thankfully, Hawkeye snaps out of Loki’s spell about 2/3 of the way through and gets to show what he’s made of in the finale. (I dug how he was able to find the aliens’ weakness just from observing them in action.) Hopefully when Avengers 2 comes out, it’ll be a better showcase for both Renner and the character’s talents.

And since I watched the 3-D Avengers, I guess I should tell y’all how the 3-D was. We get:

• 3-D Scepter

• 3-D Gun Barrel

• 3-D Scepter (again)

• 3-D Scepter (again)

And that’s about it. Nothing great to be sure, but not a total waste either. I would’ve liked a little more variety in the 3-D effects, but at least SOME shit popped out of the screen.

I’m sure a lot of this review sounded like a lot of fanboy bitching, but oh well. The internet basically exists for fanboys to bitch about Comic Book Movies, so there. I reiterate that the finale is so badass that it partially redeems the spotty first hour or so. And plus, this movie features cameos by Powers Boothe, Jenny Agutter, and Harry Dean Stanton, which is more than I can say for a lot of other movies I’ve watched lately.

AKA: Avengers Assemble.

If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of Steve McQueen. That same picture will turn up under “badass” too. In the Video Vacuum Dictionary, we have him filed under “Legend of the Silver Screen”.

Our first McQueen film is…

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (1960) ****

The Magnificent Seven is one of the most iconic westerns of all time. It is, of course, director John Sturges’ Wild West riff on Akira Kurosawa’s immortal Seven Samurai. The flick is basically the same plot-wise as Samurai. Just swap out swords and kimonos for six guns and ten gallon hats and it’s more or less the same thing. I’m not going to go on record and say that The Magnificent Seven is BETTER than Kurosawa’s film, but I will say that this flick has Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, James Coburn, Robert Vaughn, and Eli Wallach acting like badasses and Seven Samurai… does not.

The cast is simply fantastic. The scenes early in the film where Brynner is gathering his team together are wonderful. I also loved seeing the camaraderie slowly building between them, especially between Brynner and McQueen. You can definitely tell that Steve-O was on his way to Legendary status because he just exudes a badass presence the rest of the cast is hard-pressed to match. Bronson and Coburn are equally memorable and are given their own moments to shine, but to me the film really belongs to Robert Vaughn. I loved that he’s the sole member of the Seven that is actually haunted by his past deeds. And the scene where he freaks out in his sleep is a classic. It’s just a terrific performance. (He also went on to star in another remake of Seven Samurai, Battle Beyond the Stars.)

Another thing The Magnificent Seven has on its progenitor is the fantastic score by Elmer Bernstein. Not only is it one of the greatest western scores of all time, Bernstein’s music is one of the most instantly recognizable themes in cinema history. Like The Dollars Trilogy, the music is in a class all by itself.

The flick does hit a lull in the middle section when the Seven start teaching the farmers how to fend for themselves. However, once Wallach comes into town to throw the gauntlet down, shit gets real and it gets real fast. The finale is pretty damned awesome too and helps erase the blemish of the saggy second act.

I think it also has to be said that The Magnificent Seven is a crucially important film for the genre because it provided the stepping stone from the overly Hollywood-y westerns of the 50’s to the cynical, blood-soaked oaters of the 60’s. The decade began with this, followed through with the Dollars Trilogy, and ended with The Wild Bunch. While The Magnificent Seven isn’t up to snuff with The Wild Bunch in terms of violence, the climax is rather shocking as some beloved characters bite the dust. In that respect, it was definitely laying the groundwork for things to come.

The Magnificent Seven is on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of 1960 at the Number 2 spot; right in between Psycho and The Little Shop of Horrors.

Our next McQueen flick is…

HELL IS FOR HEROES (1962) ***

A ragtag platoon of soldiers idly waste time while waiting for orders to return home during WWII. Instead, they’re given the task to hold off an incoming German force. Predictably, not all of them are going to come home alive.

Hell is for Heroes is a bit of an oddball kind of war movie. The flick starts off lightweight and goofy, but the film gets darker as it progresses, and by the end, things become rather grim. While the film doesn’t quite gel as a whole, there are enough strong scenes and eclectic performances to make it worthwhile.

First, let’s talk about the cast. Steve McQueen is excellent as the tough guy loner of the group. I absolutely loved the scene where he goes AWOL just to head down to the pub for a couple brews. It brilliantly showed that he had a defiant streak, but not so much so to make him an asshole. McQueen’s The Magnificent Seven co-star James Coburn is really good too as the mechanic of the group and Bob Newhart of all people is also in the platoon. (And he even finds time to do one of his famous phone routines!)

Director Don (Dirty Harry) Siegel does a fine job behind the camera, particularly in the gritty war sequences. There’s one scene where McQueen and Coburn have to crawl their way through a German minefield that’s hair-raising. The stark black and white cinematography helps to really sell the peril in this scene. It’s just a shame Siegel couldn’t get a handle on the more comedic portions of the film.

Because of the shifts in tone, Hell is for Heroes has its various ups and downs. That’s okay though because I will remember the ups quite fondly. Especially the ending. I admired it because it was so abrupt. Usually, this is the sort of thing I’d be up in arms about, but the way Siegel does it makes it work. Without getting too spoilery, I’ll say that the flick ends right in the middle of the battle, yet the audience is still able to have closure. It’s almost as if Siegel is saying, the war may continue, but these men have done their part.

And our final McQueen film is…

PAPILLON (1973) ** ½

Steve McQueen gets sent to a hellhole prison for killing a pimp. There he meets an embezzler with coke bottle glasses played by Dustin Hoffman, who may have a fortune shoved up his ass. Steve eventually agrees to protect him if he can bankroll their escape. The two men then form an unlikely friendship that spans two prisons and multiple escape attempts.

Papillon is a long (150 minutes) and sometimes dull prison drama that really puts you through the ringer. Although it’s a well-made and well-acted film, it’s also unrelentingly grim. (You know you’re in trouble when the brightest moments come from a side trip to a leper colony.) I’m not saying it’s a bad movie, but it’s hardly what you would call “entertaining”.

For me, Papillon is worth a look just to see Steve McQueen in such an unglamorous role. The scene where he emerges from The Hole, scrawny and wild-eyed from starvation is particularly memorable. McQueen is often written off for trading in on his good looks, but those criticisms are groundless if you’ve seen him in this. Hoffman looks equally odd in his peculiar role that is in some ways similar to his Ratzo Rizzo character from Midnight Cowboy.

The flick is at its best when it’s examining the relationship between McQueen and Hoffman. I only wish director Franklin J. (Planet of the Apes) Shaffner had tightened up the pace. Because the flick is so damned long, you often feel like you’re doing time along with McQueen.

Next week’s Legend: Thomas Ian Griffith.

A space exploration team headed toward the moon gets last minutes orders to change course to Mars. During the extended voyage, the captain gets a touch of what Ren Hoek would call Space Madness. He suddenly finds religion, starts spouting Bible talk, and threatens to sabotage the “blasphemous” mission. His second in command, who also happens to be his son is the only man who can stop him, which is probably going to ruin their next family get together.

Conquest of Space is notable in that it reteamed producer George Pal and director Byron Haskin, the men behind War of the Worlds. While the film features some great special effects, costumes, and sets, it pales in comparison next to that classic. It’s basically one of those Good News/Bad New scenarios as the flick does just about as many things right as it does wrong.

The Good News: The awesome special effects make the movie immensely watchable. The best of these scenes involves a mini-rocket that tows the astronauts behind them on cables; almost as if they’re water skiing through space. I also loved all of the hilarious close-ups of the astronauts’ faces during lift-off.

The Bad News: None of the characters are very likeable. Nearly all of the scenes of the chucklehead crew bantering back and forth are pretty hard to take. On top of that, the alleged drama between our hero and his bat shit insane father isn’t involving in the least. And because Conquest of Space is a lame 50’s sci-fi movie featuring a bunch of guys in a rocketship together, you just know there’s going to be that one obnoxious dick from New York who keeps going on about how he can’t wait to get back to Coney Island.

And no matter how cool the effects are, the flick is marred by an unbelievably stupid ending. I mean the crew is saved when it SNOWS ON MARS! AT CHRISTMAS NO LESS! What the fuck were they smoking in the 50’s?

AKA: Mars Project.

Next week’s Thrift Store/Bargain Bin movie: Donkey Punch.

Gene Autry, The Singing Cowboy was different than a lot of the western stars in the 30’s in that he almost always played himself. He made over 90 movies in his time and they almost always had the same plot. Despite that, Autry’s good-natured charisma and his golden voice makes just about any film he’s in worth a look. This month we’ll take a look a bunch of films in his long career.

THE SINGING VAGABOND (1935) * ½

Gene Autry and his troupe of singing cavalrymen rescue a feisty chick. He falls hard for her, but she’s kind of a cold fish. Gene also gets framed for rustling horses and sets out to clear his name (not to mention win the chick’s heart).

The Singing Vagabond begins with a long gratuitous minstrel show that really has no bearing on the rest of the plot. I’m sure a lot of folks out there will have some very strong feelings about this scene. I will say however that this scene is about the only thing that makes the film memorable (albeit for all the wrong reasons).

No matter what your feelings are about the minstrel scene, the simple fact is that The Singing Vagabond is not a very good movie. The rest of the flick is routine, but nearly all of it is filler. In fact, the whole movie feels like filler. The film runs a scant 55 minutes, yet I think the plot takes up maybe 5 minutes of the running time. And since most of the movie is so damned dull, 55 minutes feels like an eternity. It also doesn’t help that the action finale is edited so sloppily. There are a lot musical numbers too; all of which are rather lame.

The lone saving grace is Gene Autry’s performance. He’s likeable and has some nice moments with his regular sidekick, Smiley Burnette. The movie’s biggest sin however is that it doesn’t feature nearly enough Autry in it for me. In fact, he doesn’t even show up until 12 minutes into the movie. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but when the flick in question is only 55 minutes long, 12 minutes seems like a lifetime.

YODELIN’ KID FROM PINE RIDGE (1937) ** ½

Gene Autry is smack dab in the middle of a cattle war between his family and a rival clan. When he falls in love with his competitors’ daughter, it severely complicates matters. During a big fire, Gene helps her family, which prompts his dad (Charles Middleton) to immediately disown him. Gene splits town and eventually goes on to become a popular rodeo star. Years later, Gene returns home as part of a Wild West show, which ruffles a lot of folks’ feathers and reopens old family wounds.

Yodelin’ Kid from Pine Ridge is a minor yet enjoyable oater. It gets off to a bit of a rocky start, but because of the tight direction and the good performances, it quickly rights itself. While no means perfect, I enjoyed the whole Romeo and Juliet/Hatfields and the McCoys aspect of the plot. It’s nothing earth-shattering, but the plot is definitely better than most B westerns of the era.

Once again, Autry does not disappoint. His songs are decent this time around and I yet again enjoyed his camaraderie with Smiley Burnette. The action is solid for the most part (I dug the scene where Autry stops a runaway stagecoach), but the film kinda descends into the usual ho-hum nonsense once Gene gets accused of murder. Still, there are enough bright moments here to sorta make it worthwhile.

The direction by Joseph Kane certainly helps. He dresses up the musical numbers by utilizing Dutch angles that at least make them seem more interesting than the stuff you’d normally see in these sorts of things. To me though, the coolest thing about the flick was that they got Ming the Merciless to play Gene Autry’s dad. That’s kind of badass if you ask me.

AKA: The Hero of Pine Ridge.

Karma is this hot mute chick on the trail of the white slavers who killed her sister. She tracks the bastards down to Toronto where they import Russian girls off the boat and force them into a life of stripping, prostitution, and drugs. Before long Karma becomes a one-woman army; murdering scumbag slavers and liberating imprisoned pole dancers in the name of justice.

Sweet Karma is a unique exploitation revenge flick in that it has a definite indie movie vibe to it. While most of these kinds of films nowadays trade in on the grindhouse aesthetic, this looks more like something you’d see on Sundance Channel. While the filmmakers take a different route than their predecessors, they still more or less arrive at the same destination.

The pacing is a bit erratic as the film has a tendency to bog down severely whenever Karma isn’t getting naked and/or dishing out justice. That’s mostly because the cast just isn’t strong enough to sustain your interest through the dialogue scenes. And the introduction of a sympathetic undercover cop in the third act pretty much takes the wind out of the movie’s sails.

However, whenever the flick is delivering the exploitation goods, it’s mighty fine. The highlight comes when Karma goes undercover as a strip club patron and has to get a lapdance in order to spy on the obnoxious owner. And the kills are all pretty decent as there’s a knife to the head, a death by 2 x 4, and a pencil to the neck. The best death though comes when Karma kills a dude via poisoned cocaine AND strangling him. Although Karma may not rank up there with other film females seeking vengeance like Ms. 45 in terms of sheer badassery; you’ve got to respect her for her thoroughness.

Second opinions from trusted sources:

Brian Salisbury’s review for Film School Rejects: http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/reviews/fantastic-fest-review-sweet-karma-bjsal.php

Dr. Gore’s review: http://drgorereviews.blogspot.com/2011/07/sweet-karma-review.html

I know I usually rag on low budget horror movies for their bad acting, horrible special effects, lethargic storylines, and witless direction. All of which can be said for The Legend of Sorrow Creek. Now I’m sure, the people who made this movie probably love the horror genre and gave it their best shot, but because of either their lack of budget or talent, the results were boring and borderline unwatchable.

But the fact is; talent is no barometer for success. These guys somehow got their crappy horror flick on a multi-movie pack with the likes of Prom Night, Below, and Killer Bong. How that happened is a mystery, but it did happen. Now their movie is in every Wal-Mart discount bin in the country, which isn’t too shabby when you think about it. I mean how many instantly forgettable no budget Canadian horror movies can boast that?

As you can tell, I’m trying not to actually review the movie. I myself have made several attempts to make a feature length no budget horror movie to no avail. No matter how much I bitch, these guys are one-up on me, so my bitching is a moot point. And if and when I do get my movie made and if and when it does get distributed and tossed into the Wal-Mart discount bin, I’m sure somebody with a movie blog will review it and trash it. Such is life.

But honestly, there really is no reason to recommend seeing The Legend of Sorrow Creek. That is unless you’re a fledgling filmmaker. Then it will probably serve as an inspiration because if these guys can get their movie made and distributed, then you probably can too. Besides, your movie can’t be any worse than this one.

Suggested Drinking Game: Take a shot every time the cast lets their Canadian accent slip. (They pronounce “Sorrow” as if it rhymes with Zorro.)

The prospect of Martin Scorsese directing a kid’s movie is a strange one. On one hand, you know the man can tackle just about any genre out there. On the other hand… a KID’S MOVIE?!? While it will never be mistaken for his best work, Hugo proves that Marty can make a kid’s movie a helluva lot better than Spielberg.

Hugo (Asa Butterfield) is a little orphan boy who lives in the clock tower of a train station in Paris. Before Hugo’s father (Jude Law) passed away, they were both working on repairing an old automaton together. While Hugo searches the station for the key to start up the automaton, he has to avoid a gimpy persistent cop (Sacha Baron Cohen) with a penchant for locking up orphans. Hugo also winds up befriending a little girl (Chloe Grace Moretz) and her godfather (Ben Kingsley), who just may hold the secret to the automaton’s past.

The first half of the film where the Hugo uncovers the mystery of the automaton feels like a period episode of Encyclopedia Brown. From there, Scorsese smoothly switches gears and the film becomes a love letter to silent cinema. Both halves are absorbing, but I have to say the second half was my favorite. It’s here where we get to see lots of wonderful clips of silent movies (most notably A Trip to the Moon) which will serve as a perfect crash course for anyone interested in the films of yesteryear.

I know I said at the outset that this was a kid’s movie, but it’s really a film for all ages. In fact, my two year old daughter sat in my lap and watched about 40 minutes of it until the lure of her Sesame Street dominoes became too much for her to bear. And just because it’s a family movie doesn’t mean that Scorsese rests on his laurels. He uses lots of breathtaking camerawork (especially in the opening scene) that really helps pull you into the story and gives the train station a life of its own.

And like any good family film, the themes are very rich. It’s a testament to the power of dreams, the whimsy of childhood, and every boy’s need for a family. It’s also a celebration of the cinema itself as well as a plea for film preservation. You won’t find that shit in most family films like The Squeakquel.

The film however is not flawless. The scenes of Cohen don’t exactly fit and seem like they belong in another movie because he plays his character so broadly. Nevertheless he’s still pretty funny and shows that he has some of the same gifts that the silent era comedians had. And while the movie runs on a bit too long; in the end (like Hugo’s automaton), Hugo is more than just a sum of its parts.

If you were a wrestling fan in the late 80’s/early 90’s, you had to love The Ultimate Warrior. This guy came out of nowhere to become one of the most popular figures in the WWF, but he wound up fizzling out just as fast as he blew up. Whereas many wrestling superstars went on to have flourishing movie careers (Rowdy Roddy Piper, The Rock and Hulk Hogan among them), The Ultimate Warrior (AKA: James Hellwig) never quite attained that level of cinema stardom. In fact, with the exception of a small role in Odd Jobs, The Warrior never made another movie besides Firepower. In that respect, it’s a one of a kind motion picture experience.

In the near future, the city of Los Angeles sticks all of its worst criminals in “Free Zones” where lawlessness reigns (the thinking is that they’ll wind up killing each other). A crazed muscle-bound psycho named “The Swordsman” (The Ultimate Warrior) evades the cops and enters the Free Zone where he becomes the champion of a to-the-death fighting tournament called “Death Match”. Two cops (Chad McQueen and Gary Daniels) defy orders and infiltrate the Free Zone to take The Swordsman down. That naturally means they’ll have to pose as Death Match fighters in order to get close to him.

Chad McQueen is pretty good in this and Daniels (sporting a sweet ponytail) is his usual solid self. They make a great team, but the real reason to watch Firepower is for The Ultimate Warrior. He basically acts like he did in the ring, except he wears Mad Max reject clothes and is missing his trademark face paint. Warrior makes for a credible action star. His fight with Daniels is a highlight, although I had a hard time believing that Chad McQueen could take him one on one.

Overall, Firepower is a not-bad mash-up of Escape from New York, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, and Kickboxer, but after a while the movie just circles itself, repeating the same damn notes over and over again. Despite that, there’s some good stuff here. I liked some of the futuristic touches (like UPC’s on the prisoners’ wrists) and thought that some of the fights in the electrified ring were pretty cool. I just wish The Ultimate Warrior’s character didn’t disappear for a good chunk of the movie.

And as an aside, I must say I’m not quite sure why the movie was called Firepower. I mean McQueen and Daniels didn’t really use heavy artillery or anything, so I have no idea what’s up with that. Death Ring would’ve been a much more suitable title if you ask me.

AKA: Fire Force.

Stephen McHattie (who probably would’ve been Lance Henriksen if there already wasn’t one) is a drifter who witnesses a crooked sheriff gun down his deputy in cold blood. He and his gal pal Kay Lenz hightail it out of there in the sheriff’s car, prompting a statewide manhunt. Blamed for the murder, the couple asks a freewheeling lawyer played by Eddie Albert to help them out of their predicament. That’s easier said than done however when the sheriff has given his men orders to kill the couple on sight.

Moving Violation (which shouldn’t be confused with the stellar 80’s comedy starring Bill Murray’s brother John) suffers from a convoluted plot that relies heavily on contrived conveniences (like the scene where the sheriff falls and knocks himself unconscious on a rock). Once McHattie and Lenz put the pedal to the metal, things improve as lots of cars get smashed up. Cars are ran through gas stations, oil rigs, tractor trailers, billboards, and even outhouses, so it’s got that going for it. While the chase scenes lack the finesse of a Hal Needham picture, there are enough of them to keep things from getting dull.

Even though Moving Violation is more or less the usual kind of country fried drive-in fodder from producer Roger Corman, it owes more to Sugarland Express than Smokey and the Bandit. And in some ways it’s kinda similar to First Blood in that McHattie is a drifter who gets run out of town by the sheriff and comes back to blow lots of shit up. I will say that McHattie’s transition from low key drifter to outraged tough guy fugitive feels a bit rushed, but that has more to do with the abrupt editing in the final scenes than his acting ability.

Speaking of which, McHattie is solid as the leading man, but the script fails to give the character any quirks to make him stand out from the countless other heroes found in your run of the mill 70’s Car Chase Movie. Lenz on the other hand is very good and I’m not just saying that because of her excellent shower scene. Eddie Albert helps add some spark to the movie late in the game and Dick Miller has a funny bit as crazy motorist.

Bottom Line: I’m not going to give Moving Violation a ticket, but I will let it off with a stern warning.

Further Reading: Johnny LaRue’s Crane Shot’s review of Moving Violation: http://craneshot.blogspot.com/2011/05/avenger-on-wheels.html

Soundtracks are made to promote movies. Purple Rain is one of those instances where the movie was made to promote the soundtrack. Now, I didn’t see Purple Rain when it first came out, but I did hear all the songs from the soundtrack on the radio and saw all the music videos on Empty-Vee, so that almost counts. Having finally watched the damned thing I now know that all I had to do was watch all the music videos from the Purple Rain soundtrack back to back and that probably would’ve sufficed. I’m not saying it’s a bad movie or anything, but I think there was actually more plot in the music videos than in the actual film.

Prince plays “The Kid” a struggling musician from Minnesota who is on the verge of losing his gig at a local dive. He falls in love… err… make that degrades, teases, smacks around, and bones an up-and-coming singer named Apollonia (Apollonia). When she decides to be managed by Morris Day (Morris Day), a performer who happens to be more famous, cooler, a better dancer, funnier, and all around a more decent human being than The Kid, it drives a wedge between her and The Kid. And by “drives a wedge between her and The Kid”, I mean The Kid smacks her around some more. Everything gets resolved in the end though because The Kid sings the title song, which was written by his bandmates Wendy and Lisa (Wendy and Lisa), which apparently shows that he’s a caring and sharing kinda guy.

If I was to sum up this movie in one sentence it would be: Purple Rain has some electrifying musical numbers punctuated by highly uneven (often misogynistic) “drama”. Prince performs “Let’s Get Crazy”, “Darling Nikki”, “When Doves Cry”, and “Purple Rain” and Morris Day and the Time do “Jungle Love”. That right there is almost enough to save the movie. Then again, you can just watch the music videos and spare yourself about 111 minutes.

The flick was directed Albert (American Anthem) Magnoli and his direction befits a music video. He employs lots of smoke, quick-cutting, and flashy camerawork to dress up the thin plot. And speaking of “plot”, I have to say that all that stuff with The Kid’s abusive father (Clarence Williams III) seemed like filler. I guess they were trying to “explain” why The Kid was abusive to Apollonia, but all of that could’ve been explained with one line of dialogue. (Like say, “You know… that Kid is a dick!”)

On stage, Prince is dynamite and shows why he is one of the most influential artists of his time. Offstage he just doesn’t have much acting chops. His soft spoken lispy delivery and overall kookiness doesn’t really gel with his character’s supposed bad boy image. It also doesn’t help that his character is thoroughly unlikeable. Consider the scene where Apollonia buys him a brand new guitar. What does he do? He pulls a ratty old earring from out of his ear and puts it hers. Eww. Then he smacks her around. I guess I can say this much for his performance: He makes it believable that the only person he could beat up was Apollonia.

Speaking of which, Apollonia gets naked, so that may be one reason why you should actually just see the movie instead of watching the music videos.

I’ve got to say it, Morris Day runs away with the movie. He’s funny, charismatic, and just plain fun to watch. I was secretly hoping Apollonia would drop The Kid and shack up with Morris instead. I guess if the movie was called Jungle Love, it would’ve happened. Since it’s called Purple Rain, I guess she’s got to go with The Kid. I’m kinda sad Morris Day never got his own spin-off movie. He does a pretty great Abbott and Costello style routine with his partner Jerome. It just goes to show you that he could’ve carried his own movie without any help from His Purpleness.

Overall Purple Rain is a fairly unpleasant drama filled with unlikeable characters (save for Morris Day of course). Luckily, it’s got some great tunes to save it. And I have to give credit where credit is due: The “When Doves Cry” sequence is one of the best montages of the 80’s.

TRUE STORIES (1986) **

Talking Heads’ frontman David Byrne stars as a nameless narrator who wanders through a Texas town introducing the audience to assorted oddballs and eccentrics. This one broad (Swoosie Kurtz) never leaves her bed, another dude (Spalding Gray) hasn’t talked to his wife in over a decade (despite having dinner with her every night), and this big lug (John Goodman) will do just about anything to get married. The narrator eventually strikes up a friendship with the latter and even tries to find him a woman.

True Stories is at its best when David Byrne is front and center spouting folksy wisdom in his low key “aw shucks” demeanor. Most of the funniest scenes happen while Byrne is driving in his car and talking directly to the camera. Since the town weirdoes range from annoying to forgettable (with the exception of maybe John Goodman), it’s almost enough to make you wish Byrne kept his car on the road and never stopped in the damned town to begin with.

Because of the film’s offbeat and scattershot nature, the results are predictably hit and miss. When it hits, it’s fairly funny. When it misses, it’s pretty grating.

Thankfully we get some great music from Talking Heads. I say SOME great music because they only sing “Wild Wild Life” and “Love for Sale”. The rest of the songs are done by the cast members who pretty much ruin them, although I will admit that Goodman wasn’t bad. In fact, Goodman and Byrne are so good together that it almost makes you wish they’d reteam for a much better movie.

Byrne gets the best line of the flick when he says, “You know, things that never had names before are now easily described. Makes conversation easier.”

(Special Note: This actually turned out to be an ideal double feature with Purple Rain since Jerry Harrison has a cameo as a Prince-like singer in the Wild Wild Life segment.)