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SIRENS OF SKINAMAX: REBECCA LOVE

Rebecca Love is one of the crossover stars of Skinamax.  That is to say, she started off in porn before becoming one of the most prolific Skinamax actresses around.  A favorite of both Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray, Rebecca always seems to pop up (and pop out) in just about every one of these late night cable skin flicks.  With her two humongous talents; not to mention her decent acting chops, Rebecca is one of my favorite Sirens of Skinamax. 

 

Our first film in our Love-Fest is…

 

BIKINI PIRATES  (2006)  ***

 

The opening scene of Bikini Pirates is filled with underwater scenes from another movie.  It also features one of the worst green screen effects I’ve ever seen.  That’s okay because after that nonsense is over, Nicole Sheridan gets balled in the shower with her boobs smushed up against the glass shower curtain, Catholic High School Girls in Trouble style.

 

The plot has two scuba diving couples going up to a cabin in the woods for some R and R.  The one jackass with the bleached blonde hair has a pirate map and wants to find the lost treasure of Morganna the Pirate (Rebecca Love).  They hold a séance to contact her spirit, which predictably possesses Sheridan and she’s soon getting it on with a bunch of people.  Eventually, Morganna reappears in the flesh wanting to get her hands on her booty… err… treasure.

 

Rebecca Love was looking ultra-hot in this flick and I didn’t even mind the stupid pirate brogue she was using (which sometimes slipped into a Leprechaun-ish voice) because her tits did all the talking for her.  She has three sex scenes in this movie and all of them are pretty awesome.  There’s a great flashback scene where Love and this other babe do some bondage and then she drips some candle wax on her nipples.  Man, this scene is amazing.  Then, there’s this other scene where Love goes down on Sheridan and she licks Love’s pussy juice-soaked cheeks afterwards.  And Love really gives it her all in her scene with Evan Stone, in which it pretty much looks like they’re doing it for real.

 

Bikini Pirates would’ve been a lot better if Love had been in every scene, but if that was the case, she would’ve been one sore gal afterwards; so maybe its better she wasn’t.  Altogether we have three Guy on Girl scenes (including a good Randy Spears/Beverly Lynne coupling), two Girl on Girl scenes, one Two Girls on One Guy scene, and one Solo Girl scene.  And while the flick probably has too much plot and isn’t really all that funny, since it features a lot of yo ho ho’s getting their booty plundered, it was alright by me.

 

Spears gets the best line when he says, “Must logic be interjected into every situation?”

 

AKA:  Harlots of the Caribbean. 

 

Our next Love film is…

 

GHOST IN A TEENY BIKINI  (2006)  * ½

 

Christine Nguyen stars as a bitchy actress named Muffin Baker who inherits a castle haunted by the titular scantily clad ghost (Nicole Sheridan).  Her scheming uncle wants to get his greedy hands on the real estate and tries to dispose of her.  Luckily, the ghost thinks Christine’s hot and decides to help her out.

 

It takes a lot for me not to like one of these Fred Olen Ray Skinamax movies, but Ghost in a Teeny Bikini is more or less on autopilot.  The title is probably the funniest thing about the whole movie as the jokes in this one are pretty crummy.  What’s worse, there’s a bunch of songs sung by a cast who couldn’t carry a tune if it came in a Vera Bradley bag.  Evan Stone sings a stupid song about ghosts and werewolves, Syren sings one about haunted houses, and Nguyen does a lame 50’s girl group style song.  None of these tunes are funny and all they manage to do is eat up a lot of precious running time that could’ve been spent on more humping.

 

Not that the humping scenes are anything to write home about.  In fact, they’re mostly terrible this time around (the scene with Stone and Syren is particularly embarrassing).  On top of that, they are few and far between.  There are five Guy on Girl scenes and one Girl on Girl scene.  That’s right, six lousy scenes in 84 minutes, which works out to be a sex scene every 14 minutes; a pathetic average for a Skinamax flick.

 

The awful songs really sunk this one.  If the sex scenes were as hot as say, Bikini Pirates, I don’t think it would’ve mattered.  Since the sex is all rather bogus, all it does is further bog the movie down.  You know you’re in trouble when the best part of your Skinamax movie is clips from Nosferatu and the Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

 

Rebecca Love was looking good in a tight red dress although she’s only got one sex scene.  And Nguyen was fine too but none of her scenes were particularly steamy.  In fact, all the ladies in the cast were looking hot, so I can’t exactly give Ghost in a Teeny Bikini One Star.  So consider this is a very generous * ½.

 

And now our final Love/Ray pairing…

 

BEWITCHED HOUSEWIVES  (2007)  ***

 

During the Salem Witch Trials, Beverly Lynne gets condemned to death for fucking vegetables (like the ones that come out of the ground, not catatonic people).  A witch played by Nicole Sheridan spares her life and after they have some hot sex, she transports Beverly to the 21st century.  There, the two take over the bodies of a couple of smoking hot housewives and have a bunch of sex.

 

Never mind that the plot doesn’t make any sense (I mean what happened to the wives AFTER the witches take control of them?), the reason you watch these things is for the sex.  And the sex scenes in Bewitched Housewives are pretty good.  Overall, we have seven sex scenes.  There’s one Girl on Girl scene (a hot Nicole Sheridan/Beverly Lynne scene), four Guy on Girl scenes, one Guy on Two Girls scene, and one Solo Girl scene. 

 

Lynne is very good in the flashback scenes and yet again proves she’s an adept actress in addition to being uber-hot.  Rebecca Love is equally fun to watch and gets a lot of opportunities to show off her ginormous garbonzas.  And Sheridan has some good moments (both in and out of clothes) as well.

 

Special Note:  Fans of The Conqueror Worm will enjoy the references writer/director Fred Olen Ray makes to that classic flick.

 

Next time we return to our usual Legends of the Silver Screen format with a trio of films showcasing the talents of that Legendary Renegade, Lorenzo Lamas.

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