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Emmanuelle (Brittany Joy) lives in a zeppelin that floats high above the city (kinda like Sportacus on LazyTown). Some scientists think her blimp is the perfect vehicle to go through a wormhole into an alternate universe. Once they go through the wormhole, the psychic empath aboard the ship gets possessed by a vampire and he and his studly brother set out to put the bite on the crew.

Even though it’s The 31 Days of Horror-Ween, I couldn’t help but toss in a Skinamax movie to spice things up. I’m a sucker for a good Emmanuelle rip-off and well… this isn’t a good one. Not only does it manage to rip-off Emmanuelle (or at least just use her name), it steals from True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, and Twilight.

At least Emmanuelle Through Time: Sexy Bite tries to explain it’s derivativeness. According to this flick, authors take their ideas from the alternate universe in this movie and that’s why it rips off everything from Twilight to True Blood. Or as one character says, “It’s like this whole thing is a collection of whatever’s been popular in the past couple of years!”

But because the movie rips off from so many different sources, the result is one of the most ridiculous, confusing, and schizophrenic plots in Skinamax history. Not much of this flick makes one lick of goddamned sense. The vampire stuff sorta works but all the stuff involving psychic powers, alternate universes, body-swapping, and other assorted Sci-Fi shit doesn’t.

I could’ve dealt with the ridiculous plot had the sex scenes been any good. Sadly, most of them suffer from piss poor editing and too much inter-cutting with other shit. We get nine scenes in all, two Solo Girl scenes, two Girl on Girl scenes (which at least offer us some decent scissoring), and five Guy on Girl scenes. That works out to be a sex scene every ten minutes.

Emmanuelle Through Time: Sexy Bite does deliver a couple moments of batshit insanity that almost make it worthwhile. There’s a funny scene that pays homage to Nosferatu where a vampire’s shadow undresses a chick. Then his shadow fingers her! Murnau eat your heart out. Hands down the silliest part was when a chick queefed a vampire out of her vaj-jay-jay. (It’s not as funny as it sounds, but it’s good for a laugh.)

And for some damned reason, this flick features not one but TWO opening title sequences. That’s definitely a first. And you’ve got to love the cheesy theme song too. (As Emmanuelle theme songs go; it’s no “Run Cheetah Run”, but it’ll do.)

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