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HOW TO MAKE A DOLL (1968) *

 

A nerdy professor named Dr. Percy Corly (Robert Wood) teaches a sex education class, even though he’s still a virgin.  (The narrator says, “When it came to girls, he was still in kindergarten!”)  He drives a car that looks like a cross between a Beetle and a Radio Flyer wagon, still lives with his nagging mother and is pretty much a big time loser. 

 

He’s tired of not getting any, so he and a grey haired colleague build a giant computer that produces beautiful women out of thin air.  Things get off to a rough start when he wishes for a “real life bunny” and the machine spits out a cotton tailed rabbit.  The second attempt isn’t very successful as the computer creates an extremely effeminate homosexual which leads him to promptly hit the erase button.  The third time’s the charm as the machine produces a sexy chick who says “I am programmed to love only Dr. Corly!” 

 

They make out for a bit, but then his partner gets jealous and creates a girl for himself.  He gets carried away and sucks himself into the computer with the two girls.  Dr. Corly then sticks his head into an industrial hair dryer so he can have a (fully clothed) virtual orgy with several girls.  He becomes addicted to the machine and we get to see glimpses of the seemingly never ending line of girls he gets to hook up with.

 

Eventually Percy has enough of the virtual sex and orders the machine to produce an army of brain-dead women zombies who say “We… love... you!”  Percy finally weeds out his “perfect girl”, but he ends up breaking his glasses and falling in love with an “ugly” girl, who is played by the same actress except she's wearing GLASSES. 

 

Usually when Herschell Gordon Lewis made a gore movie, you had to sit through a lot of bad acting, awful dialogue and kooky music before you got to the “good stuff”.  Unfortunately, there IS no good stuff in this flick.  After everything Percy goes through in this movie (not to mention what he puts the audience through), you’d think he’d at least score, but NO.  Even though the movie promises sex, it’s all tease and no please.  There’s no nudity, and the “lovemaking” is nothing more than extended make-out sessions.  Lewis is the only director alive who could make a nudie movie that had NOT ONE SINGLE NUDE GIRL in it and get away with it.  We’ll forgive him though. 

 

The “comic relief” in this movie is anything but funny, but at least the chintzy production values are good for a laugh or two.  The inane music on the other hand will crush your soul and force your mind to teeter on the brink of insanity.  It’s not the worst film Lewis ever made, but it may be his most baffling. 

 

As bad as the film is, you at least have to give credit to Herschell Gordon Lewis for creating the concept of virtual reality sex twenty five years before Skinamax made it chic.  That alone is worth SOMETHING in my book.

 

AKA:  How to Love a Doll.

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