Take one part Karate Kid. Add a dash of Rocky 4. Throw in a splash of Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave. Toss in an insane amount of Breakin’ 2: Electric Bugaloo. Add the ingredients in a blender and puree at Ludicrous Speed. And what you get is No Retreat, No Surrender; which happens to be one of…

THE GREATEST MOVIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE HUMAN RACE

Jason (Kurt McKinney) is a hotheaded karate student whose dad (Timothy D. Baker) gets hassled by the Mob who wants him to hand over his dojo. When he says no way Jose, the gangsters get “Ivan, the Russian” (Jean Claude Van Damme) to break his leg. Daddy turns into mental Jell-O and packs up and heads to Seattle to become a wimpy bartender. While Jason gets accustomed to his new surroundings, he befriends a rapping, breakdancing Jheri Curled guy named R.J. (J.W. Fails) who gets bullied by a big fat dude who likes to stand in the middle of the street eating cake. One day Jason tries to join a Seattle dojo but Fat Kid cockblocks him. Later, at Jason’s girlfriend’s birthday party, Fat Kid and his cronies beat him up and make him look like a complete wuss in front of his gal. Jason finally reaches his breaking point when his dad has a meltdown and rips up his Bruce Lee poster. Distraught, Jason goes to Bruce’s grave and asks for his help. Much to Jason’s surprise, Bruce Lee’s ghost (Kim Tai Chong) appears and whips him into fighting shape. In the end, the gangsters try to move in on the Seattle dojo and hold a karate tournament where Ivan kicks everyone’s ass in the ring. Finally Jason hops in the ring and shows the Russian what’s what.

No Retreat, No Surrender is one of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race mostly because it’s a bad movie. I make no bones about it. Much of this movie reeks of useless clichés and idiotic dance sequences. What makes it all work is that the film is a rainbow of awfulness. It runs the gamut of So Bad It’s Good (like the overacting gangster villain who seemingly channels Snidely Whiplash during the final fight), to So Bad It’s Awesome (like the lame banter between R.J. and Jason), to So Bad It’s Genius (the breakdancing scenes), to Hey, You Know What Folks, This Movie Kinda Rocks (the Bruce Lee training sequences), to Wait a Goddamn Minute, This Movie is Da Bomb (the excellent final showdown between Jason and the Russian).

Let’s talk about the bad first. Let’s talk about acting; or lack thereof. Never before has a movie featured performances so wooden and dialogue so stilted that it ends up being kickass in spite of itself. (Although Attack of the Clones comes close.) Kurt McKinney is a bland lead but he is at least proficient enough with his karate skills to make up for that. As the dumbass dad, Timothy D. Baker displays some of the worst acting by an alleged parent on the silver screen. The scenes between him and McKinney play out like a shitty After School Special and all of their dialogue seems phony and forced. But nothing and I mean nothing can prepare you for the hilarious ineptitude of J.W. Fails as R.J. Good God man, this guy says all of his lines in the same upbeat fake jive manner that will drive you bat shit insane. I don’t know what is funnier, seeing him desperately try to breakdance (his stunt dancer is haphazardly edited in) or the scenes where he “raps”. I dare you not to crack up whenever he overenthusiastically says the title. At least Van Damme exudes a sense of menace and essays his villainous role with a lot of authority.

Speaking of Van Damme, his final brawl is quite exciting and is the only legitimate thing that is intentionally good about the whole deal. He kickboxes the Hell out of three competitors before taking on McKinney one on one. The choreography is excellent in this scene (despite a couple of obvious jump cuts) and is a great showcase for JCVD’s skills.

Looking at this scene, I can’t help but note that Van Damme got a raw deal in this flick. I know we’re supposed to root for Kurt and everything but Jean Claude was fighting with a severe disadvantage. I mean he fought not one but THREE guys in the ring, gets bitten on the leg by a fat dude, and is almost hit with a chair by a girl all before going toe to toe with the hero. Also, Kurt was receiving supernatural tutelage from beyond the grave by the greatest martial artist of all time, which ain’t exactly fair if you ask me.

And let’s face it, this Kurt guy is a straight-up wimp. Despite the title, he actually retreats AND surrenders at least FOUR times by my count. Once during his initial run-in with JCVD, then when he squares off against the fat guy and his gang in front of the burger stand, then against the same guys at his girlfriend’s birthday party, and finally when his dad tears up his Bruce Lee posters. Granted, he doesn’t retreat or surrender by the end of the film, so I have to give him a little credit.

Corey (The Transporter) Yuen directs the action solidly enough. He films the dance sequences in a tongue in cheek manner and really gets to strut his stuff during the end match. He also displays a softer side in the scene when the two breakdancers help to reunite Jason and his girlfriend.

In 1986, the year No Retreat, No Surrender was released; Crocodile Dundee was the highest grossing comedy. This flick is a hundred times funnier and should’ve been just as big. Sure, the laughs are all unintended, but to me, an unintended laugh is just as good as an intended one. You know, it’s kinda a shame that No Retreat, No Surrender never won any Oscars. It’s sad to know that this flick will make it’s way on the AFI 100 Best Films List. Heck, I think I’m the only reviewer who has ever given it a positive review (let alone Four Stars). Hopefully, it’s inclusion into The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race will inspire readers to seek out this unadulterated camp classic. Do not retreat or surrender an opportunity to check it out.

AKA: Karate Tiger.

Ash (Bruce Campbell) gets whisked away to medieval times where he is immediately enslaved and sentenced to die in a pit fight with some Deadites.  He easily kicks loads of ass and pretty soon everyone is calling him “The Promised One”.  In order to stop the Evil Dead from haunting the King’s castle, Ash has to go on a quest to retrieve the Necronomicon.  Whilst removing the book from it’s unholy cradle, Ash fucks up the magic words (“Klaatu… Barata… Cough… Cough… Cough!) and it doesn’t take long before the dreaded Deadites are trying to break down the castle walls.  Luckily, with a little 20^th century know-how Ash is able to fend off the Army of Darkness and return to his own time.  (If he can ever get those words right.)

Army of Darkness is the best film in The Evil Dead trilogy.  This is not a popular opinion.  I know I am in the minority on this one, but for me this is the most balls out fun movie in the series.  Not only is it the best of the Evil Deads; it’s also one of the greatest movies ever made.  (It’s Number 4 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of All Time List in between Fight Club and Halloween.)  This movie rocks and it rocks HARD.  It’s ten times funnier than most comedies and features enough movie in-jokes to make your head spin.  (Everything from The Three Stooges to Jason and the Argonauts to Gulliver’s Travels to The Manster to The Day the Earth Stood Still is referenced.) 

In addition to the wide range of film references, director Sam Raimi mashes up a whole bunch of genres and hits the PUREE button.  There’s horror, sword and sorcery, comedy, and even a little romance too.  Army also features more action than you can shake a stick at.  Throughout the movie Ash battles monsters in the pit (the part where he leaps in the air and his chainsaw lands on his stump is priceless), gets attacked by miniature versions of himself, fights his evil double, gets sucked into a vortex, gets assaulted by an evil book, and goes to war against an army of skeletons.  Raimi films all of this with his usual manic energy and the results are one Hell of a breathtaking, non-stop, hilarious, good time.

Most reviews I’ve read of this film always whine that there isn’t as much blood as the previous films.  Umm… HELLO didn’t you see that great big geyser of blood when that one guy got pushed into the pit?  That scene alone featured three times the amount of blood than the first two movies combined.  This scene also gives us a pretty good severed head and a disembodied hand, so I don’t want to even hear these petty gripes about the lack of gore. 

What makes Army of Darkness standout from the other films in the series (besides the bigger budget that is) is that Ash actually has a character arc in this one.  He just isn’t being repeatedly assaulted by the undead (well he is, but still).  He goes from being a loudmouth, to being a coward, to finally, a hero.  Bruce plays all of these facets of his character extremely well; particularly in the scenes where he acts like a complete jackass to people. 

This movie also has the most quotable dialogue than any film ever conceived by the human mind.  If you don’t quote the following lines aloud in casual everyday conversations, then there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you:

“Well HELLO Mr. Fancy Pants!  I got news for you pal; you ain’t leading but two things right now, Jack and Shit.  And Jack left town!”

“All right, you primitive screwheads listen up!  You see this?  This is my BOOMSTICK!”

“Now I swear… the next one of you primates, even touches me…”

“First you wanna kill me… now you want to kiss me… BLOW!”  (This is particularly effective on first dates.)

“Yo She-Bitch!  Let’s go!”  (Again, great to use on a first date.)

“Gimme some sugar baby!”  (Likewise, a golden statement for a first date.)

“Good… bad… I’m the guy with the gun.”  (Good for a night in Compton.)

“That’s just what we call pillow talk, baby!”  (In fact, nearly everything Ash says in this movie could be said on a first date.)

“Say hello to the 21^st century!”  (Which is fitting since we’re actually in the 21^st century now.) 

And of course the immortal, “Hail to the king baby!”

You can tell that Raimi was particularly proud of his dialogue because during the closing credits, his (along with his brother Ivan) screenwriting credit appears before his directing credit.  I’d be proud of that shit too.  Raimi went on to direct the Spider-Man trilogy.  They were great and all, but none of those movies captured the sheer awesomeness of this flick.  It’s truly one of the greatest movies in the history of the human race.

Army of Darkness is Numero Uno on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of the Year 1993.

<Tomorrow’s Horror Franchise Movie:  Psycho (1960)>

<Folks, I’m back with another movie in the Horror Franchise Marathon.  Not only will this review be the first of many Friday the 13^th movies I’ll be reviewing over the next few days, it also marks the return of the popular ongoing series:>

THE GREATEST MOVIES IN THE HISTORY OF THE HUMAN RACE

Watching the original Friday the 13^th after over 25 years, 10 sequels, and a remake is still a special experience.  It’s a brutally effective slasher movie; one that set the benchmark for all slashers to come.  Like the seminal Halloween; Friday the 13^th has a prologue where someone got killed years earlier that sets up the murderer’s motive.  It also firmly establishes The Final Girl, the fact that it’s mandatory for The Final Girl to drop a murder weapon whenever she renders her attacker unconscious, the creepy music, the idea that fornication leads to death, the hungry young actor Before They Were Famous, and the customary POV shots of the killer. 

What Friday adds to the mix is the setting.  It took the terror out of small town USA and planted it in the woods of summer camp.  Everybody hates summer camp, so turning a killer loose in the cabins is an inspired touch; one that would go on to be imitated countless times.  It also establishes the need for the town drunk (in this case, Crazy Ralph) to warn the impending victims that they are “Doomed”.  Friday even contains what I think is the first case of the Jokester character who goes around goofing off and isn’t missed when he gets killed.

More than anything, Friday the 13^th is a showcase for Tom Savani’s excellent gore effects.  Savani was hired after the producers saw his great FX work in Dawn of the Dead.  Unlike the effects in that movie, the gore here is more personal because it’s happening to a smaller group of people you actually care about and not to a bunch of zombies.  Savani gives us multiple throat slashings, axes to the face, and arrows to the eyeball, and a decapitation that is truly one of the crowning achievements for FX in the slasher era.

Some of the film’s critics said that director Sean S. Cunningham favored the gore over the suspense but I don’t buy that.  The original Friday the 13^th is extremely suspenseful.  The difference between this and many of the lame sequels is that Cunningham could actually direct the suspense scenes.  Savani’s groundbreaking work does not outshine Cunningham’s suspense; it perfectly compliments it.  Watch the film on broadcast TV after the network censors have cut out all the gore and it’s still effective.  While my favorite Friday is still Part 3-D (this one is a close second), the original still packs one heck of a wallop and the climatic confrontation between The Final Girl Alice and Mrs. Vorhees is dynamite stuff.  Not to mention The Last Scare; which is one of the best in horror history.  This scene fucked me up so bad when I was a kid.  No scene before or since has come close (well, maybe the end of Sleepaway Camp).

Speaking of historical landmarks, how about Harry Manfredini’s score?  The Chi-Chi-Chi-Ha-Ha-Ha music ranks right up there with the DA-dum DA-dum score from Jaws.  It’s part of pop culture now.  Tell me you’ve never been walking with someone in the woods and made the Chi-Chi-Chi-Ha-Ha-Ha sound.

Cunningham’s real inspiration for Friday the 13^th wasn’t Halloween though.  At heart, the movie is a simple twist on Mario Bava’s Twitch of the Death Nerve with nearly a dozen apparently motiveless murders happening in an isolated area.  The only difference is that the killer is getting revenge for the death of her son and not trying to get their hands on a piece of property.  In fact, Twitch’s signature kill was blatantly ripped off in Friday the 13^th Part 2; further proving that the Friday series would’ve been lacking something had it not been for Bava’s film.

As with Twitch of the Death Nerve, the killer’s identity is almost an afterthought.  There are no typical whodunit scenes where red herrings are introduced.  It’s just a killer killing people.  While some clues are laid out (there’s a brief mention of a boy drowning); Cunningham doesn’t beat the audience over the head with it.  The fact the murders are more or less random (until the end at least) makes it that much scarier to me.  Later installments of the Friday saga are steeped in the mystique of the larger than life legend of Jason, so this one is refreshing because the counselors don’t know who is killing them or why until the very end.

Yep, Jason doesn’t kill people in the movie.  His mother does.  Some fans don’t like that Jason only makes a cameo in this one but I don’t care.  I like Mrs. Vorhees a lot.  What makes the original Friday the 13^th different from its sequels is that Mrs. Vorhees is able to pull tricks on her victims that her son Jason couldn’t even dream of doing.  Jason couldn’t pick up hitchhikers and scare the shit out of them before killing them.  I dig that about her.  And what about the creepy scene in which Mrs. Vorhees lures an unsuspecting chick into the archery range by yelling “Help me” in an eerie childlike voice?  Bet you all forgot about that little ditty.  That’s some freaky stuff.  Then there’s the awesome finale where she’s chasing Alice around the camp speaking in Jason’s voice saying, “Kill her mommy!  Kill her!”  That shit is scary.  They can bring Mrs. Vorhees back to the series any time.

While I’m we’re on the subject of strong willed women, I do have to get something off my chest.  It has to do with all those feminists who condemned the slasher movies of the 80’s.  Now I don’t want to get off on an anti-feminist rant here but it always pissed me off how those broads would get their bras in a bunch (the ones they didn’t burn, that is) and say that slasher movies were misogynistic.  They’d always protest and say things like the filmmakers were all moralistic, depraved lunatics who got off on the suffering of women and systematically butchered them for smoking pot and having sex out of wedlock.  I have nothing against feminists in general (especially the ones that actually LOOK like females), but their claims are thoroughly ridiculous.  Look ladies, I don’t know if any of y’all have actually sat down and watched a horror film, but it’s not the directors of horror films who get off on the suffering of women and systematically butchered them for smoking pot and having sex out of wedlock; its the killers IN the horror films that get off on the suffering of women and systematically butchered them for smoking pot and having sex out of wedlock.  I thought that was obvious. 

It REALLY infuriated me whenever the feminists singled out the Friday the 13^th movies as being the most misogynistic of the bunch.  Actually, nothing can be further from the truth.  Feminists, allow me to now set the record straight once and for all.

Friday the 13^th can’t be misogynistic because there’s a goddamned WOMAN doing all the killing. 

That’s right, before the potato sack, before the hockey mask, before match-up with Freddy Krueger, heck before there even WAS Jason, there was Mrs. Vorhees.  You feminists didn’t know that did you?  That’s because you never bothered watching the first Friday movie; you just condemned it on general principals. 

And I hate to tell you this girls but Mrs. Vorhees was a card carrying FEMINIST!  You can tell she’s a feminist not only by her close-cropped hairdo, ill-fitting sweaters and over-sized combat boots, but because of her convictions.  The best feminists saw a problem with the way the world was and set out to change it.  In the 60’s, they wrote folk songs, protested, and went on talk shows declaring their equality.  In 1980, Mrs. Vorhees did all that with a vengeance.  Except that instead of burning her bra and going on marches, and demanding equal rights, she stabs people through the throat, buries an axe into someone’s face, and shoots an arrow into their eye.  Mrs. Vorhees showed that equality among the sexes wasn’t just a dream; she set out to prove that a woman could be just as fine a killer as any male slasher in the movies.  As it turns out, she was right.  She was one of the best. 

Okay so she was ostensibly murdering people at Camp Crystal Lake for having sex because the counselors were too busy having sex and let her son Jason drown.  But let me break it down even further for you.  We know why she killed the men (scum) but the reason why she killed the women isn’t obvious at first, but it’s downright simple:  THEY WEREN'T FEMINISTS.  They weren’t independent minded females.  They relied too much on their boyfriends to supply them with pot and screw them.  They didn’t have that “You Go Girl” spunk.  Therefore, they had to die.  That’s why during the final reel, Mrs. Vorhees doesn’t kill Alice right away because Alice at first doesn’t seem like all the rest.  Since Alice has a tomboy haircut and wears pants, Mrs. Vorhees initially thinks she’s a feminist too.  Ultimately though, Mrs. V sees through Alice (she must’ve smelled weed on her breath) and decides to try to make veal cutlets out of her. 

And if you can get buy that argument, I beg you to consider the fact that Jason wasn’t a misogynist either as he was merely carrying out the work of his dear departed mama.  If you can believe that, then you have no reason to hate the sequels either.  (Well except for Jason Takes Manhattan and Jason Goes to Hell; they suck.)

I’m telling you feminists, watch the ORIGINAL Friday the 13^th again (not while you’re on your period of course) and see if I’m not right.  Then get back to me.  I’d love to hear from you.

Friday the 13^th is a solid Number 10 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten for the Year 1980, ranking just below The Exterminator.

<Tomorrow’s Horror Franchise Movie:  Friday the 13^th Part 2>

Okay folks, we’re back with the final installment of TGMITHOTHR before it goes on summer vacation.  Thanks for all the positive feedback on this column and rest assured that it (like James Bond) Will Return this fall.  This week’s movie is…

DEADFALL  (1993)  ****

There are three faces to Nicolas Cage:  The Chick Flick Face, The Action Hero Face, and the Oh My God Get That Boy Some Ritalin Face.  In my opinion, Cage should just really lay off the Chick Flicks.  The Family Man?  NO!  Guarding Tess?  Egads!  Moonstruck?  The horror!  His fast-paced, high body count action flicks like The Rock, Con-Air, and Face/Off make up for his forays into female-friendly films, but it’s his out-there performances in films like Raising Arizona, Kiss of Death, and Vampire’s Kiss that I appreciate most.  Vampire’s Kiss is probably the most infamous of these films due to the fact that Cage ate a real life cock-a-roach on screen.  For my money though, his best all time Oh-No-He-Didn’t performance came in this flick, Deadfall.

Now Deadfall was directed by Cage’s brother, Christopher Coppola (and nephew of Francis), who obviously A) fell asleep B) lost a bet or C) didn’t care what the heck Nic did while filming his scenes. 

Cage’s gonzo performance aside, Deadfall is just another one of those early 90 film noir wannabes like The Grifters, Red Rock West (which also starred Cage), and The Last Seduction.  The plot... fuck it… who gives a good goddamn about the plot.  If you’ve already seen those previously mentioned movies, you know the gist of things:  Somebody is conning somebody else and you’d don’t know who’s getting conned until the very end.  That shit doesn’t matter though. 

With Cage acting this crazy, who NEEDS a plot?

Cage is completely unhinged and acts totally deranged in this flick.  That is to say, he’s fucking brilliant!  Cage wears a funny wig, oversized sunglasses, and sports a hideous tan.  He also hyperventilates, says his lines like he’s high on ecstasy, and throws temper tantrums like a two year old.  He also gets some of the best lines in Video Vacuum history.  Here’s just a few examples:

• When Michael Biehn (the hero) doesn’t answer a question in a timely manner, Cage pulls his gun out and screams, “What’s the matter, cat got your fuckin’ tongue?”

• While preparing to pull a con he says, “What do you say we have some fun time family fun?”

• When he can’t get his car started he hollers, “Fucker, fucker… FUCK!”

• Cage will also randomly speak in a Mexican accent for no reason whatsoever and says shit like, “Choo got it bebe!”

• How about the scene where he kills a dude and screams, “Let’s fuck!”

• Or the scene where Cage goes on a coke binge and says, “What am I?  A fucking retard, man!  A fucking retard?  HUH?... Well VIVA LA FUCKING FRANCE, MAN!”

• Or how about the scene where Cage pulls a gun on someone and yells, “It’s a crazy fucking world we live in… CAPTAIN JACK!... Filthy-double-crosser-filthy-double-crossing-filthy-goddamn-fucking-filthy-little-brat!”

• Then there’s the part where he says “Bull…shit, bull…shit” in a helium voice for no discernable reason.

• Then there’s the scene where Cage starts downing shots in a strip club and screeches “Mommy…mommy… HERE’S TO SAM PECKINPAH!  Mommy… I’ll be damned… ALL SUMMER LONG!!

• The best line though comes when a random extra bumps into Cage and he karate chops the fuck out of the guy while screaming, “HI-FUCKING-YA!”  Yes folks; that’s probably the all time greatest movie line of all time.  (Although “You mean we talkin’ ‘bout some damn shark’s mother?” from Jaws 3-D is right up there too.)

Sadly Cage gets killed off about halfway through the movie when Biehn sticks his face in a deep fryer.  Even though he’s only in half the movie, that shouldn’t stop you from checking this flick out.  Cage acts crazy enough for FIVE movies!  His performance IS the movie.

Although the last thirty or so minutes of Deadfall is Cage-free, you still may enjoy sticking around until the end.  I mean you get to see a goateed Charlie Sheen as a pool hustler, Angus (The Tall Man from Phantasm) Scrimm sporting a robotic claw arm, Talia Shire as a bartender, Rene Estevez, Peter Fonda, and Mickey Fucking Dolenz!  Three Coppolas, two Sheens, one Fonda, and a Monkee?  How can you not love this fucking movie?  Do yourself a favor and run out and check this flick out.  You’re guaranteed to have some “fun time family fun!”

Deadfall ranks a solid Number 9 spot on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films for the Year of 1993; sandwiched in between The Bride with White Hair and Freaked.

Well folks, that’s gonna be it for The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race series for now, but it’ll be back in the fall to tell you about all the great movies you’ve may have missed and need to see.  See you soon Vacuumers…

The purpose of this little project is to tell you all about movies you might’ve missed, wouldn’t dream of watching, or movies that are in desperate need of a second chance.  If any James Bond movie was in need of another glance it’s…

LICENCE TO KILL  (1989)  ****

Licence to Kill was originally gonna be called License Revoked, but the filmmakers didn’t want anyone to confuse it with the Corey Haim-Corey Feldman laugh-riot License to Drive, so they changed it to Licence to Kill.  They also kept the British spelling of the word “Licence”, which is probably why the movie failed miserably at the box office.  (American moviegoers like their films spelled correctly, thank you very much.)  Folks, it takes a real set of balls to spell your movie incorrectly, but Licence to Kill has a pair of big brass testicles that would baffle the minds of mere mortals. 

Licence to Kill is one of the most badass movies to come out of the great year of 1989.  That was the year that gave us Tango and Cash, Road House, Batman, Lethal Weapon 2, and Karate Kid 3.  Licence to Kill is just about as good as any of those flicks and is the greatest James Bond movie that isn’t called Goldfinger. 

Now a lot of people probably wouldn’t agree with that.  I’ve read a lot of downright scathing reviews of this movie, but to me nothing could be further from the truth.  Most of the complaints seem to stem from the fact that James Bond (Timothy Dalton) goes up against a ruthless drug dealer instead of the usual megalomaniacal madman comic book style villain.  (More than one reviewer likened it to an “overlong Miami Vice episode”.)  I disagree wholeheartedly.  Cocaine was topical in the 80’s.  Just as space exploration (which was the basis for You Only Live Twice) was on the pulse of America in the 60’s and solar energy (which was the basis for The Man with the Golden Gun) was a hot button issue in the 70’s, cocaine and the subsequent “War on Drugs” was on everybody’s mind (and nose) in the 80’s.  So you see, it’s only natural that a Bond movie would eventually focus on the #1 narcotic of that excessive decade.

What I dig about Licence to Kill is that it roots James Bond in a more realistic world, which keeps things fresh.  Although the usual Bond shenanigans still occur, they’re grounded in (semi) reality for a change.  There are hot women, but this time they’re actually vital to the plot and have a brain for once.  The villain’s plan is ludicrous (he’s smuggling cocaine in gasoline tankers), yet it’s somewhat plausible.  Q (Desmond Llewellyn) is given a larger role, but his gadgets aren’t nearly as farfetched and goofy.  The stunts are still outrageous (the semi-truck finale is some of the best stuntwork you’ll see), but it still looks like it MIGHT happen.  (Okay, maybe not the semi-truck-doing-a-wheelie thing.)

The biggest change is with Bond himself.  While he does say some funny lines in the flick, they’re more ironic and cold-blooded than the usual stupid puns.  Bond also doesn’t have a lot of time for broads in this one as his mission is strictly revenge.  That of course doesn’t stop him from banging two bitches though. 

It sickens me when people say that Daniel Craig reinvented James Bond in Casino Royale, because Timothy Dalton was doing the same exact thing 17 years earlier and no one gave a shit.

In the pre-credit sequence, Bond captures a notorious drug dealer named Franz Sanchez (Robert Davi) before parachuting into his buddy Felix Leiter’s (David Hedison) wedding.  Then we have to listen to a thoroughly lame ass title song by Gladys Knight.  You, know, I used to think that Licence to Kill was just about the worst damn Bond song ever until I heard Madonna’s Die Another Day.  Knight’s song sounds like Live and Let Die compared to that shit.

Wait a minute, where was I?  Oh yeah, the imprisoned Sanchez offers an open bribe to anyone who will spring him out of jail.  A sleazy FBI agent named Killifer (Everett McGill from Silver Bullet) takes the bribe and stages a daring underwater rescue.  Meanwhile, Bond heads over to Felix’s reception just in time to catch the bride’s (played by Mallrats’ Priscilla Barnes) garter and remind everybody that he used to be married.  When Felix carries his wife over the threshold, Sanchez and his bodyguard Dario (Benicio del Toro) are waiting for them and get back at Felix by killing his wife and feeding (part of) him to a Great White Shark.  Bond finds his buddy in a body bag with a note that reads, “He disagreed with something that ate him”.  Luckily, Felix is still alive. 

But just because Felix survived, doesn’t stop James from going out for revenge anyway.

I’m not even going to go into the plot specifics on this one because the surprises are part of what makes Licence to Kill so much damn fun.  I will say that Bond infiltrates Sanchez’s ranks and plays his men against him, The Man with No Name style.  Any movie that channels both Death Wish AND A Fistful of Dollars has classic written all over it in my book.  If that wasn’t cool enough, Licence to Kill features people being stuffed into a vault full of maggots, death by electric eels, dudes getting blown up in decompression chambers, guys being shredded into industrial combines, semi-trucks doing unbelievable stunts, and best of all…Wayne Newton! 

Speaking of excellent performances, Davi is thoroughly awesome in this movie and exudes a real sense of menace.  Del Toro is also aces as the scummy Dario and Anthony (KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park) Zerbe is appropriately slimy as another henchmen.  The eye candy is nice in this one as Carey Lowell (the future Mrs. Richard Gere) looks damn fine and proves to be Bond’s equal in the action department.  (The scene where she busts up a sleazy bar fight is pretty memorable.)  Talisa (Mortal Kombat) Soto is also quite yummy as Sanchez’s woman.  Thankfully, the Bond producers didn’t go totally Women’s Lib like they did on The Living Daylights and allow James to bang both of them.

The movie really belongs to Dalton though.  He’s all business in this one and doesn’t have time for the usual quips.  He’s a far more brutal Bond than most moviegoers were used to, which is another reason why American audiences didn’t cotton to the film.  Because of the poor box office, Dalton never got another chance to portray Bond and it’s kind of a shame.  Folks, do me a favor and next time they’re running a Bond Marathon on TBS or Spike TV, check out Licence to Kill.  You’ll be glad you did.

Even though Bond isn’t really funny in this flick, Sanchez does get some great dialogue like, “You took the words right out of my pocket!”  The best part though comes after he blows up the guy in the decompression chamber.  There’s a whole bunch of blood on Sanchez’s money and his henchmen asks what they should do about it and he replies, “Launder it!”

Licence to Kill is Number 9 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten List for 1989, sandwiched in between Back to the Future 2 and Meet the Feebles.

Next time Vacuumers, we’ll discuss the reason why Nicolas Cage is a legend around these parts.  If you’ve never seen his out-there beyond gonzo performance in a little movie called Deadfall, then my friends, you haven't been to the movies.  See you then…

Well folks, I know I usually do these things on Wednesdays but since I’m going to have a lot on my plate this week, I thought I’d break tradition and give you this week’s flick a few days early.  Besides, a movie this flippin’ awesome just couldn’t wait.  Of course, we’re talking about yet another of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.  This week’s flick is none other than…

DAYS OF THUNDER  (1990)  ****

You know before Tom Cruise went bugnuts crazy jumping on sofas and pledging his allegiance to Xenu, he was pretty much the biggest movie star of all time.  Sure, his Scientology antics of late have severely strained his credibility (and some would say sanity), but I still think he’s pretty awesome.  No matter what you think of the man, you have to admit that he’s made some of the greatest films in the Known Universe.

His first blockbuster Top Gun made him an international movie star, a household name, and a living legend.  Say whatever you will about Cruise, the man is not stupid.  After that, he was smart enough to make his next film a veritable remake of Top Gun.  Since they couldn’t call it Top Gun in a Pool Hall, they called it The Color of Money.  Cruise next made Top Gun in a Bar (which the studio foolishly changed to simply, Cocktail) and then went off and tried to win a bunch of Oscars with Rain Man and Born on the 4^th of July.  Needless to say, he didn’t win, so Tom Boy went back to the drawing board and came out with Top Gun on a Race Track, AKA:  Days of Thunder. 

You’ve got to hand it to the man, he kept on making the same movie over and over again, and we kept on seeing them.  Mad respect Tom.

To insure the highest quality of cinema, Cruise got Top Gun director Tony Scott to helm Days of Thunder.  Scott is smart enough to know that he’s making essentially the same damn movie with the same damn star, just with a different setting, so he rolls up his sleeves and really delivers the cinematic goods.  It’s for this reason that I think I like Days of Thunder MORE than Top Gun.  It’s basically the same damn movie as Top Gun and it’s still pretty fucking awesome the second time around.

Now personally, I hate Nascar but since Cruise is in the driver’s seat, I say gentlemen start your engines!

I don’t even think I got to tell you the plot.  If you’ve seen Top Gun, you’ve pretty much seen Days of Thunder.  If you don’t believe me:

• Cruise’s character (who has the awesomely masculine name, Cole Trickle) is new to flying planes/driving cars but his hot shot ways send him to the top of the pack.

• Cruise has a mentor (in this case it’s Robert Duvall and not Tom Skerritt) who sees potential in him.

• Cruise has a father who died under mysterious circumstances.  We never actually get to see any of it but old wrinkly-faced actors spew a lot of long-winded exposition about it.  In Days of Thunder though, the exposition is not directed toward Cruise’s father but to a driver that had previously raced for Duvall.  (Hey, they had to change SOME things up or else they’d get sued.)

• Cruise falls in love with an older woman (in this case it’s Nicole Kidman and not Kelly McGillis) who works in a ”manly” profession (in this case she’s a doctor not a flight instructor) and ends up having soft-focus love scenes with him.

• Cruise has a rival (in this case it’s Michael Rooker and not Val Kilmer) who starts off hating his guts but then becomes his friend by the end of the movie.

• When Cruise isn’t flying/driving, he rides a motorcycle while wearing sunglasses and looks like a total badass.

• Cruise gets into a near-fatal accident in his jet/car and subsequently starts acting flaky while driving/flying.

• Cruise overcomes his flakiness at the last second to shoot down enemy fighters/win the race.

In addition to the patented Cruise-ccentric plot themes, we also get a great scene that shows off what a badass Cruise is behind the wheel.  While taking a test ride around the track, he tells Duvall that he’s “Dropping the hammer”.  (Which is racer code for going REALLY fast.)  This scene also is great if you need to test your 5.1 surround sound system.  There’s also a great chemistry between Cruise and Rooker that really makes the movie.  They’re really dynamite together and it’s a shame they haven’t made another movie together.  The part where they race each other in wheelchairs is awesome (it’s even better than the wheelchair race between Cruise and Willem Dafoe in the previous year’s Born on the 4^th of July) but the scene where they take two rental cars out of the beach and race each other is even more fucking nuts.

I really like Cruise’s performance in this flick because he more or less acts just like Tom Cruise.  That’s what you want from a movie star.  I mean you don’t watch Commando to see Arnold Schwarzenegger emote, you watch it to see him be… well… Arnold.  Same goes for Cruise.  Tom doesn’t get all “actory” on us in Days of Thunder.  He just says his lines clearly and pretends to drive around in circles.  That’s all we want from the man.  And he gives that to us in spades.  Cruise also gets a lot of great dialogue like “Rubbing is racing!” that helps bump Days of Thunder into the sheer awesomeness that you’ve come to expect from the man.  In short this is Cruise at his Cruisey-est.

Days of Thunder features more than half of the items listed below and because of that, not only is it one of the best movies Tom Cruise ever made, it’s also one of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.

THE 10 MAIN INGREDIENTS TO JUST ABOUT EVERY TOM CRUISE MOVIE

1. THE ENEMY THAT BECOMES A FRIEND AFTER A LIFE ALTERING EXPERIENCE:  AKA:  THE ICEMAN SYNDROME:  Used to show that not all rivals are the true enemy.  Initially used in Top Gun where Iceman (Val Kilmer) and Maverick (Cruise) put their egos aside after the death of Goose (Anthony Edwards).  See also: Old Dog Teaches New Dog New Tricks.  Besides Top Gun, see Born on the 4^th of July (Willem Dafoe), Days of Thunder (Michael Rooker), and The Last Samurai (Ken Watanabe).

2. OLD DOG TEACHES NEW DOG NEW TRICKS:  AKA:  HOW TO SHOOT POOL/MIX DRINKS/DRIVE CARS REAL GOOD:  Used to set up an older actor as a teacher/father figure (ties into Paternal Issues).  Initially used in Top Gun where Viper (Tom Skerritt) takes Maverick under his wing after the death of Goose.  Besides Top Gun see The Color of Money (Paul Newman), Cocktail (Bryan Brown), Days of Thunder (Robert Duvall), The Last Samurai (Ken Watanabe).

3. THE OLDER WOMAN WILL BECOME YOUR LOVER IF YOU PROVE YOU’RE A MAN:  Used to show that older (taller) women are no match for Cruise’s wily charms.  The formula demands the Cruise character to grow up before he can be taken seriously as a worthy suitor.  Initially used in Losin’ It where Shelly Long played a hooker who deflowers Cruise.  Considerably polished in Risky Business where Rebecca DeMornay played a hooker who deflowers Cruise.  Besides these, see (in non-hooker roles) Top Gun (Kelly McGillis), Color of Money (Mary Elisabeth Mastrantonio), Days of Thunder (Nicole Kidman), and Far and Away (Nicole Kidman again).  NOTE:  Later replaced with Younger Woman… in Jerry Maguire (Renee Zellweger), and Vanilla Sky (Penelope Cruz).

4. PATERNAL ISSUES:  AKA:  THE SINS OF THE FATHER SYNDROME:  Used to show the difficulty of living up to or playing down the legacy of his father.  Has its roots in Top Gun and appears in Rain Man, A Few Good Men, Magnolia, Vanilla Sky, and Valkyrie.

5.  PSYCHOLOGICAL DILEMMA:  Usually appearing after the Life Altering Experience.  First appeared in Top Gun.  Results in Cruise not being able to fly (Top Gun), drive (Days of Thunder), or show his face (Vanilla Sky).

6. THE MOTORCYCLE RULE:  Movies where Cruise rides a motorcycle = Box Office.  Initially used in Top Gun but shows up in Days of Thunder, Mission:  Impossible 2 and (in a futuristic version) Minority Report.

7. TOM CRUISE IN HIS UNDERWEAR:  Used to make the girls in the audience hoot and holler.  No plot significance whatsoever.  Purely box office related.  Initially drove the girls crazy in Risky Business but had its roots in Losin’ It.  See also All the Right Moves, Top Gun, Color of Money, Cocktail, Days of Thunder, Magnolia and Vanilla Sky.

8.  THE LAWYER RULE:  Purely financial reasons.  Movies where Cruise plays a lawyer = Box Office.  Had its roots in Cocktail, but featured extensively in A Few Good Men and The Firm.

9. MASKS:  Used to show the duality of Cruise’s character.  Initially used in Mission: Impossible.  Also used in Eyes Wide Shut, Mission:  Impossible 2 and 3, and Vanilla Sky.

10.  THE VINCENT RULE:  Anytime Cruise appears in a movie with the character name “Vincent” he is obviously looking for Oscar consideration.  See Color of Money and Collateral.

Overall, Days of Thunder ranks at Number 5 on The Video Vacuum List for the Year 1990 sandwiched right in between Frankenhooker and Goodfellas. 

(PS:  I think I deserve a cookie for not using the pun “Cruise Control” anywhere in this review.  Hey, YOU write a review about a Tom-Cruise-in-a-Car Movie and try NOT to do it.)

That’s all the time we have today Vacuumers, but join me next week for the next film in the series.  What do I have in store for you?  Well, we’re talking about future Oscar winners being shredded in an industrial combine.  We’re talking about the werewolf from Silver Bullet getting eaten alive by Great White sharks.  We’re talking about Anthony Zerbe blowing up in a decompression chamber.  We’re talking about Wayne Newton acting like a complete pimp.  We’re talking about LOTS of cocaine.  We’re talking about the best James Bond movie that isn’t called Goldfinger; Licence to Kill.  It’s a movie so badass that they didn’t even spell it correctly.  See you then…

Welcome back Vacuumers.  As you know, every Wednesday I’m going to try to tell you about some of the greatest movies in the history of the human race.  To do so, I’ve created a segment called The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.  Today’s movie is a little something called:

TERMINAL VELOCITY  (1994)  ****

People (not many, but people nonetheless) who know about this movie will attest to its logic-shredding bravura action set pieces.  If you’ve never heard of the mind-numbing insanity that is Terminal Velocity, shame on you.  If you are one of those poor unfortunates, consider this Terminal Velocity 101.  Time to go to school.

Terminal Velocity or TV as I like to call it; could’ve been a horrible movie.  It’s got clichéd characters, inane plotting, and a general lack of human emotion.  Since it’s got Charlie Sheen in it though, it’s a must see.  You may scoff, but TV is without a doubt the best Charlie-Sheen-Jumping-Out-of-an-Airplane Movie since Navy Seals.

Besides starring the pride of the Estevez family tree, this flick also stars Natassja (“My dad was a nutjob”) Kinski, James (“Before I was Tony Soprano”) Gandolfini, and Christopher (“Before I was Shooter McGavin”) McDonald.  TV was also written by David Twohy, the man who blessed the world with stunning awesomitity of The Chronicles of Riddick and directed by Deran Sarafin, the dude who directed Gunmen, the best Christopher Lambert/Mario Van Peebles movie ever made.  Aren’t you just dying to see it now?  Well if you don’t have two hours, here’s the skinny:

Charlie Sheen plays a skydiving instructor named Ditch Brodie.  You know the rule in the Video Vacuum Movie Rulebook that states, “Any movie that features a main character named Ditch is a good movie?”  Well, that rule came about because of Terminal Velocity.

Anyway, Ditch is so reckless that he’s had 12 safety violations in the past month.  One of those comes when he parachutes into the middle of the city in ass-less chaps with the words “Kiss” and “This” painted on his derriere.  Too bad Ditch thought he was crashing a bachelorette party and not an 8-year old kid’s birthday party.

Despite his reputation, he gets a new client named Chris (Kinski) who hires him to take her out skydiving.  What makes TV such a heartwarming movie is the poetic dialogue.  Before they jump out of the airplane, Chris says, “I’d be stupid to trust my life to a walking penis”, to which Ditch retorts, “I’m much more than a walking penis… I’m a flying penis!”  And tell me again WHY this movie wasn’t nominated for Best Screenplay?

When Chris jumps out of the airplane before Ditch gives her the go-ahead, she ends up plummeting to her death.  There’s an FAA investigation and a greasy agent named Pinkwater (Gandolfini) starts asking Ditch a lot of questions like, “You think she misrepresented her ability?  Naturally Ditch gives hilarious answers like, “I think she did for bullshit what Stonehenge did for rocks!”

Ditch does some snooping and discovers Chris is actually alive.  He asks her, “How come you’re still vertical?”  After a lot of hemming and hawing (and by hemming and hawing I mean that Ditch and Chris get into several shootouts and rocket sled chases with the bad guys), Chris finally reveals that she’s a KGB agent.  Ditch is dumbfounded, “It’s the K-G-Used-to-Be!”

After a couple more run-ins with the bad guys, Chris and Ditch take a breather and over a bottle of tequila, Chris tells Ditch all about her life in Russia and her three-legged dog named Tripod.  After she swallows the worm, she asks Ditch what she just swallowed.  When Ditch tells her, she says, “I was trained to swallow all sorts of things.”  Ditch quips, “Careful, I just might have to marry you!” 

Chris then gets Ditch to help her search an abandoned airplane and when he worries about running into some “nuclear shit”, she gives him a coffee pot lid to cover his crotch because “External genitalia is more susceptible to radiation!”  When Chris finds what she’s looking for (a cache of KGB gold), Ditch sneaks up on her and startles her.  She gets pissed that he finds the gold and chides, “I told you to wait!”  To which, Ditch utters the greatest line in the movie (and possibly any Charlie Sheen movie for that matter), “Don’t worry; I’ve got my Coffeetron Dick Defender!”   

Again, tell me how this wasn’t nominated for Best Screenplay?

Chris tells Ditch that Pinkwater is actually a Russian agent who is looking for the gold so he can stage a coup and start up a “Second Cold War”.  She pleads with Ditch to help her and even goes so far to tell him about her poor starving Russian family.  Ditch mutters, “Pack the bags, we’re going on a guilt trip!” 

Ditch initially refuses to help but when Chris is kidnapped by the bad guys, he rushes into action.  And by action I mean one of the greatest stunts ever filmed.  Seriously folks, Moonraker ain’t got nothing on this baby. 

Chris is locked in the trunk of a car that’s loaded into a cargo plane.  Ditch sneaks into the plane to save her but the bad guys see him.  He hops into the car and floors it, pinning the villainous Russian to the wall, before jamming it in reverse and sending the car out of the plane and into the air.  While the car is plummeting towards the ground, Ditch works his way to the back of the car and opens the trunk (after fumbling with the keys to add to the suspense), freeing Chris before opening his parachute just in the nick of time. 

This scene was filmed before directors started CGI-ing up their action sequences.  When you see the car falling out of the plane, it’s a REAL car and REAL stuntmen, not a bunch of 1’s and 0’s.  Bravo Deran for your stellar work behind the camera.

But of course, the movie ain’t over yet.  Once safely on the ground, Ditch and Chris’ romantic bliss is interrupted by Pinkwater who parachutes down on top of Ditch and promptly puts him in a Russian bear hug.  Luckily, Ditch is a quick thinker and pulls Pinkwater’s utility chute which causes him to fly right through some nearby windmills and turns the dude into lasagna. 

In the end, Ditch goes to Russia and is given a medal (the ceremony is almost exactly like the one in Star Wars) and gets to meet Chris’ three-legged dog.  I don’t know about you but any movie that ends with a freeze-frame of a three-legged dog is all right by me.

Terminal Velocity is criminally underrated.  As an action movie, it’s filled with non-stop shootouts and over-the-top action sequences.  As a comedy, it features more hilarious one-liners than any of Sheen’s Hot Shots movies.  (“What do I look like, a brain donor?”)  The reason it all works as well as it does is because of Sheen.  This movie has more Sheenage than just about any movie ever made.

What’s Sheenage you ask?  Well, it’s a technical term created by The Video Vacuum Cinema Laboratories.  Sheenage calculates a film’s merit based solely on the presence of Charlie Sheen.  It takes into account 1) the amount of Sheen screen time 2) the amount of patented “Sheenian” moments (i.e. jumping out of airplanes, riding motorcycles, getting drunk, doing drugs, banging broads, etc.) 3) the amount of times the viewer says aloud, “Damn that’s vintage Sheen!”  A film that contains all three of these is considered to have “Quality Sheenage”.

A film’s Sheenage is vital to its entertainment value.  The films themselves can be lousy but as long as they have a high amount of Sheenage, they can be well worth watching.  (SEE:  Three for the Road.)  Movies like Loaded Weapon 1, Deadfall (soon to appear on the list of TGMITHOTHR), and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off feature Sheen in small cameos but are worth checking out for the excessive amounts of quality Sheenage.  In fact, I’m convinced that one of the reasons that Being John Malkovich was a critical success was due to Sheen’s hilarious cameo.  Even though he only appeared in a few scenes, Being John Malkovich has excessive amounts of Sheenage, which is always a good thing.  In fact, Roger Ebert called Being John Malkovich “The Best Film of the Year”.  Oh yeah, he knows about the Sheenage all right.

Movies with dumb characters, childish scripting and no socially redeeming value help to escalate the Sheenage.  Dramatically sound movies like Platoon, Eight Men Out, Wall Street, and Lucas are OK and everything but films like The Wraith, Beyond the Law, The Chase, and Navy Seals have much more Sheenage.  The reason is that these movies solely rely on Sheen to carry the film and because of that, they just marinate in 100% pure Sheenage.

Terminal Velocity’s Sheenage is off the fucking charts.

Basically Charlie Sheen is the new Elvis of acting.  Not only do both dudes have the sideburns, the hair, and the uncanny ability to always portray themselves in every movie they appear in; they make a movie worth watching just because they appear in it.  Chuck and Elvis kick ass in any genre, whether it be westerns (Young Guns or Charro), war films (Platoon or G.I. Blues) or extravagant costume dramas (The Three Musketeers or The Trouble with Girls).  Hopefully someday the two personalities will collide and Sheen will star in 3000 Miles to Graceland 2:  Taking Care of Business.  As the King himself once said, “If I Can Dream…”

Lately though, Charlie Sheen has taken a break from the big screen and has been starring on the hit TV show, Two and a Half Men.  While he seemingly has left his big screen career behind (not to mention the cocaine and hookers), we his fans can still enjoy his past films and anxiously await a renaissance of old school Sheenage.  Come back to us Charlie, we miss you.

Terminal Velocity ranks Number 10 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films for the Year 1994, just under Shawshank Redemption.

See you next week Vacuumers with our next movie.  I’ll give you a hint; it features one of the all-time coolest character names of all time:  “Cole Trickle”.  Still stumped?  Does the line, “Rubbing is racing” ring any bells?  That’s right folks; we’re talking about one of the greatest Tom Cruise VEHICLES of all time… Days of Thunder.  Fasten your seatbelts boys n’ girls…

Here’s a new feature on The Video Vacuum where I’ll be telling you all about some of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.  A lot of these flicks will be controversial decisions for most of you out there but I know that once you have read my enthusiastic impassioned reviews for these films, you’ll have no choice but to say, “You know Mitch, you were right.  That IS one of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.”  The inaugural movie in The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race series is…

ROCKY 5  (1990)  ****

I have no fucking clue why the heck Rocky 5 didn’t make the AFI’s 100 Greatest Movies List.  This thing is fucking awesome.  Not only is it the best fucking Rocky movie ever made, it’s the best damn movie Sylvester Stallone ever wrote from himself that he didn’t direct.  He let the original Rocky director, John G. Avildsen helm this puppy and since the man was still riding the creative wave of directing the seminal Karate Kid 3, Rocky 5 likewise carries that flick’s surreal level of insane awesomeness.

The plot:  Rocky’s accountant steals all his money after he fought Ivan Drago in Russia.  Rocky returns home to learn that he’s penniless and has to sell his mansion and move back into his old ghetto house in Philadelphia.  After drunkenly seeing the ghost of his former manager Mickey (Burgess Meredith) in the old gym, Rocky decides to reopen the old sweatbox.  Meanwhile an unscrupulous promoter named George Washington Duke (Richard Gant) repeatedly tries to get Rocky into the ring for a big payday.  Since Rocky has severe brain damage from his bout with the Russian, the doctors won’t allow him to fight.  Rocky instead sees his dreams of competing in the ring with a young brawler named Tommy Gunn (Tommy Morrison).  Rocky spends more time in the gym shaping Tommy into a legitimate fighter than being with his family as a result, his son Robert (Sage Stallone, Sly’s kid) starts smoking and hanging out with a bad crowd.  It’s only after Duke steals away Tommy from Rocky for fame and money that he realizes what he’s lost out on.  Grudgingly, Robert accepts him back and his wife Adrian (Talia Shire) stops acting like a total bitch.  Then while Rocky is drinking in the bar with Uncle Paulie (Burt Young), Tommy shows up with Duke in tow challenging Rock to a fight.  Rocky politely declines but when Tommy slugs Paulie, Rock says, “My ring’s outside!”  This leads to an incredible street brawl, which is absolutely the best fight scene in any Rocky movie.  Guess who wins.

Okay, I think a lot of people piss all over Rocky 5 because they accuse Stallone of lazy screenwriting.  They say that Rocky’s sudden loss of wealth is an arbitrary way of getting him back to his “roots”.  Well I call bullshit on that.  Has anyone seen the headlines in the past few months?  Does the name Bernie Madoff ring any bells?  This guy bilked millionaires out of their entire fortunes, just like Rocky’s accountant.  Watch Rocky 5 again and imagine that it’s Madoff who made off (pun!) with Rocky’s fortune this time.  (Though really, if you think about it, all Rocky had to do was sell Uncle Paulie’s robot for scrap metal and he could’ve paid off his creditors easily.)

I think another reason people hate on Rocky 5 is the fact that they can’t identify with Rocky.  In the original Rocky, he was the underdog who defied the odds, and we can all identify with an underdog.  Same goes for parts 2 and 3.  Part 4 had Rocky playing more of a Rambo kind of role as he single-handedly won the Cold War and in the process, he pulled at our patriotic heartstrings.  In 5, Rocky is kind of a jerk as he puts his relationship with Tommy ahead of his family.  Audiences didn’t like that.  They wanted Rocky be the good guy and not dis his wife and kid.  As George Washington Duke says in the film, “Identification is the key to public success!”

I don’t know.  I liked Rocky’s arc in this movie.  Whereas so many sequels constantly keep their main character going through the same paces without changing who they are, Rocky 5 does something daring and makes Rocky kind of a dick.  Of course, he learns the error of his ways before the movie’s over, but it’s interesting and keeps the character fresh.  Like when Daniel-San leaves Mr. Miyagi to go train with Terry Silver in Karate Kid 3, we go “What, he would never do THAT!”  But in the end, the hero always comes to their senses and beats the crap out of the bad guys so it’s all good.

Another dimension I liked about Rocky 5 is that the real villain is the Don King wannabe George Washington Duke who is goading Tommy into fighting Rocky.  With the Duke character, Stallone was trying to make an important commentary on the state of the boxing world.  Sure, Don King is probably way too obvious of a target, but then again the Rocky series has never been known for it’s subtlety. 

Then there’s the final fight.  It’s awesome.  Since it takes place in the street, there are no rounds and there are no rules.  Rocky beats the shit out of Tommy using arm locks, takedowns, and body slams.  Seriously, I don’t know how anybody could criticize this movie.  I mean the part where a dazed, punch drunk Rocky sees the ghost of Mickey who tells him “Get up you son of a bitch because Mickey loves ya!” while the familiar Rocky theme plays gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.  Seriously, if this scene doesn’t get you pumped up then you are a mutant android from the planet Xenon who does not belong in my movie dojo. 

Then there are the performances.  Sly has never been better.  He really anchors the movie and although you may not like what his character does, you have to agree he really makes Rocky three dimensional in this flick.  Burt Young is once again stellar as Uncle Paulie.  He is really the Yin to Rocky’s Yang.  He gets some great lines in this one and his rant to Adrian is one for the books:  “You live in a fairy tale world where your hair don’t move!  You’re like a season that don’t change!  I’m not no tomato can you can kick around!”  Newcomers to the series Gant and Morrison also bring a lot of authority to their roles and make a memorable impression with their colorful characters.  Then there’s Michael Sheehan as Duke’s flunky, Merlin.  This guy doesn’t get a lot of screen time but he’s great at backing up Duke and saying shit like “Don’t bite the hand that feeds ya!”  Probably the best performance comes from Sage Stallone.  He’s great in this and his dynamic with his real life old man no doubt helped his performance.

Rocky 5 (which is Number 1 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten List for 1990, sitting pretty on top of Total Recall) never got it’s due.  I hope this little article helped to correct that glaring oversight.  Be like Apollo Creed and give it another shot.  I’m sure you’ll agree with me.

See you all for the next installment of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.  What movie will it be?  I’ll give you a hint.  We’re talking Charlie Sheen.  We’re talking Tony Soprano.  We’re talking skydiving.  We’re talking a main character with the name, “Ditch”.  We’re talking… Terminal Velocity.  See you then, Vacuumers.