BEST COITUS INTERUPTUS VIA GUNFIRE

SHOOT ‘EM UP

BEST SKYDIVING ACTION SEQUENCE

SHOOT ‘EM UP

RECORD NUMBER OF DEATHS VIA CARROT

SHOOT ‘EM UP

GOLDEN GELDING AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN SCROTAL DAMAGE

ROGER BART in HOSTEL 2

RUNNER UP:  GRENDEL in BEOWULF

BEST MUSICAL

WALK HARD:  THE DEWEY COX STORY

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME

RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION

RUNNER UP:  DOA:  DEAD OR ALIVE

WORST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

BEST REMAKE

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

WORST REMAKE

THE HITCHER

WORST MOVIE BASED ON A COMIC BOOK

30 DAYS OF NIGHT

HOTEL AWARD (FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BEST WESTERN)

3:10 TO YUMA

BEST HAIRSTYLIST

WHOEVER CAME UP WITH JAVIER BARDEM'S PORN STAR LOOK in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

Okay now that that nonsense is out of the way, on with the show.

CRAZY PERSON AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN INSANITY 

And the nominees are...

JAVIER BARDEM as ANTON CHIGURGH in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

JOHN GOODMAN as THE ARMS DEALER in DEATH SENTENCE

MARCIA GAY HARDEN as MRS. CARMODY in THE MIST

ASHLEY JUDD as AGNES in BUG

TYLER MANE as MICHAEL MYERS in HALLOWEEN

And the winner is... JAVIER BARDEM for CREEPING EVERYBODY OUT WITHOUT MOVING A FACIAL MUSCLE.

BEST ZOMBIE  MOVIE

And the nominees are...

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

GRINDHOUSE

I AM LEGEND

RESIDENT EVIL EXTINCTION

28 WEEKS LATER

And the winner is... GRINDHOUSE.  EXCELLENT GUT MUNCHING "SICKOS". 

WORST MUSICAL

And the nominees are...

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

HAIRSPRAY

SWEENEY TODD:  THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET

 
And the LOSER is... ACROSS THE UNIVERSE for MAKING ME WISH MARK DAVID CHAPMAN SHOT JOHN LENNON 30 YEARS SOONER SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THAT CRAP.

BEST SEQUEL

And the nominees are...

FANTASTIC FOUR:  RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

OCEAN’S THIRTEEN

SPIDER-MAN 3

28 WEEKS LATER

And the winner is... 28 WEEKS LATER FOR BEING 28 TIMES BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL.

WORST SEQUEL

And the nominees are...

ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

PUMPKINHEAD:  BLOOD FEUD

SAW IV

SPECIES:  THE AWAKENING

And the LOSER is... BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE because NOBODY MAKES CRAPPY SEQUELS BASED ON A VIDEO GAME LIKE UWE BOLL.

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A COMIC BOOK

And the nominees are...

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

GHOST RIDER

SPIDER-MAN 3

300

And the winner is... SPIDER-MAN 3 because 3 TIMES THE VILLAINS IS 3 TIMES THE FUN.

BEST REVENGE MOVIE

And the nominees are...

THE BRAVE ONE

DEATH SENTENCE

HANNIBAL RISING

HOSTEL 2

And the winner is... DEATH SENTENCE because THE SPIRIT OF CHARLES BRONSON IS ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING INSIDE OF KEVIN BACON.

BEST COMEDY

And the nominees are... 

HOT FUZZ

KNOCKED UP

SUPERBAD

RENO 911: THE MOVIE

WALK HARD:  THE DEWEY COX STORY

And the winner is... HOT FUZZ for THE EXCELLENT POINT BREAK SPOOF.

BEST HORROR MOVIE

And the winner is...

GRINDHOUSE

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

HOSTEL 2

THE MIST

28 WEEKS LATER

And the winner is... GRINDHOUSE because YOU CAN'T BEAT TWO GREAT MOVIES FOR ONE LOW PRICE.

RIP AWARD FOR BEST DEATH SCENE

And the nominees are...

VANESSA FERLITO for TAKING A CAR TO THE FACE in DEATH PROOF

ROGER BART for RECEIVING THE SWEDISH SPECIAL in HOSTEL 2

THE LEAD MUTANT for GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD, HAVING HIS BRAINS PULLED OUT LIKE GRAPEFRUIT, GETTING A POLE SHOVED THROUGH HIS STOMACH, GETTING HIS ARM CHOPPED OFF WITH A MACHETE, HAVING HIS NUTS CRUSHED WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER… TWICE, AND HAVING A BAYONET SHOVED DOWN HIS THROAT in THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

MEGA SNAKE for SADDLING UP TO THE MATTERHORN AND CHOMPING DOWN ON PASSENGER’S HEADS in MEGA SNAKE

QUENTIN TARANTINO for HIS MELTING GENITALIA in PLANET TERROR

And the winner is... THE MUTANT FROM THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 for THE BEST DEATH OF THE KILLER SCENE SINCE FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 4.

WORST DIRECT-TO-DVD-SEQUEL

And the nominees are...

BLOODRAYNE 2

SPECIES 4

DECOYS 2

PUMPKINHEAD:  BLOOD FEUD

And the LOSER IS... BLOODRAYNE 2.  UWE BOLL STRIKES AGAIN.

BEST ACTOR

 
And the nominees are...

JAVIER BARDEM for CREEPING UP THE JOINT in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

GERARD BUTLER for SLAUGHTERING PERSIANS WITH EXTREME PREDJUDICE in 300

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS for DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HIS GRUBBY HANDS ON SOME OIL, EVEN IF IT MEANS BASHING A PREACHER IN THE HEAD WITH A BOWLING PIN in THERE WILL BE BLOOD

THOMAS JANE for SHOOTING EVERYONE IN THE SUV AND THEN WHOOPS! in THE MIST

KURT RUSSELL for WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL ON THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A STUNT MAN’S LIFE THEN RUNNING OVER WOMEN AT HIGH SPEEDS in DEATH PROOF

And the winner is... JAVIER BARDEM for PLAYING ONE HECK OF A SCARY MEXICAN. 

BEST ACTRESS

And the nominees are...

ZOE BELL for DOING ALL HER OWN STUNTS AND BEING THE LEAST ANNOYING FEMALE CHARACTER in DEATH PROOF

MARCIA GAY HARDEN for GOING TOTALLY BONKERS IN THE GROCERY STORE AND PREDICTING JUDGEMENT DAY in THE MIST

MILA JOVOVICH for BEING HOT AND KILLING ZOMBIES in RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION

ROSE MCGOWAN as THE ONE-LEGGED STRIPPER WITH A SEMI-AUTOMATIC PROSTHESIS in PLANET TERROR

ELLEN PAGE for BEING PREGNANT AND KEEPING HER HORMONES MORE OR LESS IN CHECK in JUNO

And the winner is... ROSE MCGOWAN for PROVING THAT THE HANDICAPPED ARE HANDI-CAPABLE OF BEING ACTION HEROES.

SCREENWRITING AWARD FOR BEST LINE OF DIALOGUE OF THE YEAR

And the nominees are...

BUG for “I AM THE SUPER MOTHER BUG!”

1408 for “THAT’S ONE EVIL FUCKING ROOM!”

THE MIST for “IF I WANTED A LITTLE FRIEND LIKE YOU I’D SQUAT DOWN AND SHIT ONE OUT!”

P2 for “WAY TO RUIN CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLE!”

RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION for THE EXCHANGE:  “WHAT HAPPENED TO VEGAS?”  “THE DESERT TOOK IT BACK.”

SPECIES:  THE AWAKENING for “FERTILIZATION ACHIEVED!” 

THERE WILL BE BLOOD for “YOU’RE JUST THE AFTERBIRTH THAT SLITHERED OUT OF YOUR MOTHER’S FILTH!”

300 for “THIS IS SPARTA!”

TRANSFORMERS for “STOP LUBRICATING ON THAT MAN!”

ZOO for “MAYBE I’LL JUST FEEL THE HORSE’S NUTS.”

And the winner is... ZOO.  "MAYBE I'LL JUST FEEL THE HORSES NUTS."  PURE POETRY.

BEST DIRECTOR

And the nominees are...

THE COHEN BROTHERS for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

JASON REITMAN for JUNO

ROBERT RODRIGUEZ/QUENTIN TARANTINO/ROB ZOMBIE/ELI ROTH/EDGAR WRIGHT for GRINDHOUSE

ZACK SNYDER for 300

MARTIN WEISZ for THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

And the winner is... ROBERT RODRIGUEZ/QUENTIN TARANTINO/ROB ZOMBIE/ELI ROTH/EDGAR WRIGHT for GRINDHOUSE.  IN THE SPIRIT OF THE MOVIE WE'RE GOING TO DISMEMBER THE AWARD IN FIVE PARTS AND DISPERSE IT AMONGST THE DIRECTORS.  ROBERT, YOU GET THE TORSO, QUENTIN YOU GET THE RIGHT ARM, ROB YOU GET THE LEFT ARM, ELI THE LEFT LEG, EDGAR THE RIGHT LEG.  I'LL WORK OUT VISITATION RIGHTS FOR THE HEAD AFTER THE SHOW.

WORST MOVIE

And the nominees are...

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

ALIENS VS. PREDATOR:  REQUIEM

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

TRANSFORMERS 

And the LOSER is... BLOODRAYNE 2.  UWE BOLL GETS THE QUADRUPLE CROWN OF CRAP.  WORST SEQUEL, WORST DIRECT-TO-DVD SEQUEL,  WORST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME AND NOW WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

BEST MOVIE

And the nominees are...

GRINDHOUSE

THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

SPIDER-MAN 3

300

28 WEEKS LATER

And the winner is...

(Drum roll please...)

GRINDHOUSE!  WAS THERE EVER A DOUBT?

See you all next year...

Well it’s awards season yet again, and with writer’s striking and boycotting several awards shows, I feel compelled to start the first annual Video Vacuum Awards.  As a general rule, I hate award shows, so to set the VVA’s (otherwise known as the “Viddies”) apart from the rest of the pack I’ve set up these guidelines: 

1.)    I’ve had it up to here with award shows where people accepting the awards thank God.  God had nothing to do with you winning the award, it was the jackasses who voted for you.  So when you get your award, shut the Hell up and move along so the next person can get theirs.

2.)    I’ve had it up to here with presenters who take their podium time to bring attention to their own selfish charities or humanitarian causes.  If you want to do something for charity, dress up like Santa and ring a bell like everybody else.  To nip this in the bud, I will be giving out the awards.

3.)    I’ve had it up to here with award shows that feature terrible music numbers, so there will be NO music when these babies are handed out.

4.)    I’ve had it up to here with award shows that take 700 minutes showing you everybody who’s died in the past twelve months.  People die every day.  Get over it.  If there is ONE person of special significance who bought the farm, I may mention it briefly, but otherwise read the obituaries like everyone else. 

5.)    I’ve had it up to here with all the red carpet hoopla associated with any awards show.  I could really give a rat’s ass about what the Hell some second rate celebrity is wearing.  It’s probably by a designer I’ve never heard of, can’t pronounce or can’t afford, so why bother.  To put a stop to this once and for all The Viddies will be held in a nudist colony so we don’t have to worry about what the heck they’re wearing. 

6.)    I’ve had it up to here with those Price Waterhouse retards that “guard” the votes.  Really, get a life.  To squelch these pricks, I and I alone will tally the votes. 

7.)    Oh yeah, about the voting system.  I count all the votes, which are cast by ME, tabulated by ME, and presented by ME.  If you turkeys don’t like it, bite it off and choke on it. 

So now to announce the nominations for the First Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  The winners will be announced when I get around to it.   And the nominees are…

CRAZY PERSON AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN INSANITY

JAVIER BARDIEM as ANTON CHIGURGH in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

JOHN GOODMAN as THE ARMS DEALER in DEATH SENTENCE

MARCIA GAY HARDEN as MRS. CARMODY in THE MIST

ASHLEY JUDD as AGNES in BUG

TYLER MANE as MICHAEL MYERS in HALLOWEEN

BEST ZOMBIE  MOVIE

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

GRINDHOUSE

I AM LEGEND

RESIDENT EVIL EXTINCTION

28 WEEKS LATER

WORST MUSICAL

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

HAIRSPRAY

SWEENEY TODD:  THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET

BEST SEQUEL

FANTASTIC FOUR:  RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

OCEAN’S THIRTEEN

SPIDER-MAN 3

28 WEEKS LATER

WORST SEQUEL

ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

PUMPKINHEAD:  BLOOD FEUD

SAW IV

SPECIES:  THE AWAKENING

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A COMIC BOOK

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

GHOST RIDER

SPIDER-MAN 3

300

BEST REVENGE MOVIE

THE BRAVE ONE

DEATH SENTENCE

HANNIBAL RISING

HOSTEL 2

BEST COMEDY

HOT FUZZ

KNOCKED UP

SUPERBAD

RENO 911: THE MOVIE

WALK HARD:  THE DEWEY COX STORY

BEST HORROR MOVIE

GRINDHOUSE

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

HOSTEL 2

THE MIST

28 WEEKS LATER

RIP AWARD FOR BEST DEATH SCENE

VANESSA FERLITO for TAKING A CAR TO THE FACE in DEATH PROOF

ROGER BART for RECEIVING THE SWEDISH SPECIAL in HOSTEL 2

THE LEAD MUTANT for GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD, HAVING HIS BRAINS PULLED OUT LIKE GRAPEFRUIT, GETTING A POLE SHOVED THROUGH HIS STOMACH, GETTING HIS ARM CHOPPED OFF WITH A MACHETE, HAVING HIS NUTS CRUSHED WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER… TWICE, AND HAVING A BAYONET SHOVED DOWN HIS THROAT in THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

MEGA SNAKE for SADDLING UP TO THE MATTERHORN AND CHOMPING DOWN ON PASSENGER’S HEADS in MEGA SNAKE

QUENTIN TARANTINO for HIS MELTING GENITALIA in PLANET TERROR

WORST DIRECT-TO-DVD-SEQUEL

BLOODRAYNE 2

SPECIES 4

DECOYS 2

PUMPKINHEAD:  BLOOD FEUD

BEST ACTOR

JAVIER BARDIM for CREEPING UP THE JOINT in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

GERARD BUTLER for SLAUGHTERING PERSIANS WITH EXTREME PREDJUDICE in 300

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS for DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HIS GRUBBY HANDS ON SOME OIL, EVEN IF IT MEANS BASHING A PREACHER IN THE HEAD WITH A BOWLING PIN in THERE WILL BE BLOOD

THOMAS JANE for SHOOTING EVERYONE IN THE SUV AND THEN WHOOPS! in THE MIST

KURT RUSSELL for WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL ON THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A STUNT MAN’S LIFE THEN RUNNING OVER WOMEN AT HIGH SPEEDS in DEATH PROOF

BEST ACTRESS

ZOE BELL for DOING ALL HER OWN STUNTS AND BEING THE LEAST ANNOYING FEMALE CHARACTER in DEATH PROOF

MARCIA GAY HARDEN for GOING TOTALLY BONKERS IN THE GROCERY STORE AND PREDICTING JUDGEMENT DAY in THE MIST

MILA JOVOVICH for BEING HOT AND KILLING ZOMBIES in RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION

ROSE MCGOWAN as THE ONE-LEGGED STRIPPER WITH A SEMI-AUTOMATIC PROSTHESIS in PLANET TERROR

ELLEN PAGE for BEING PREGNANT AND KEEPING HER HORMONES MORE OR LESS IN CHECK in JUNO

SCREENWRITING AWARD FOR BEST LINE OF DIALOGUE OF THE YEAR

BUG for “I AM THE SUPER MOTHER BUG!”

1408 for “THAT’S ONE EVIL FUCKING ROOM!”

THE MIST for “IF I WANTED A LITTLE FRIEND LIKE YOU I’D SQUAT DOWN AND SHIT ONE OUT!”

P2 for “WAY TO RUIN CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLE!”

RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION for THE EXCHANGE:  “WHAT HAPPENED TO VEGAS?”  “THE DESERT TOOK IT BACK.”

SPECIES:  THE AWAKENING for “FERTILIZATION ACHIEVED!” 

THERE WILL BE BLOOD for “YOU’RE JUST THE AFTERBIRTH THAT SLITHERED OUT OF YOUR MOTHER’S FILTH!”

300 for “THIS IS SPARTA!”

TRANSFORMERS for “STOP LUBRICATING ON THAT MAN!”

ZOO for “MAYBE I’LL JUST FEEL THE HORSE’S NUTS.”

BEST DIRECTOR

THE COHEN BROTHERS for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

JASON REITMAN for JUNO

ROBERT RODRIGUEZ/QUENTIN TARANTINO/ROB ZOMBIE/ELI ROTH/EDGAR WRIGHT for GRINDHOUSE

ZACK SNYDER for 300

MARTIN WEISZ for THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

WORST MOVIE

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

ALIENS VS. PREDATOR:  REQUIEM

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

TRANSFORMERS

BEST MOVIE

GRINDHOUSE

THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

SPIDER-MAN 3

300

28 WEEKS LATER

I will announce the winners soon.