Well, the Oscars are only a few short days away and in my attempt to steal all the thunder from the glamour and glitz of Hollyweird, I humbly present to you The 2nd Annual Video Vacuum Awards. This Awards ceremony isn’t like most ceremonies. There are no musical medleys filled with interpretive dance numbers. There are no long winded speeches about saving starving naked African children. There is no bitching about who wore this and who wore that. They’re AWARDS people, not a platform for ballerinas in leotards, personal political agendas or wannabe fashionistas. So let’s cut to the chase:
First off though, LIKE the other Award Shows I DO give out “Technical Awards”. You know those lame-o awards that are held the week before the show where some trollop like Jessica Biel gives out real-but-not-really-real awards to a bunch of old farts at a luncheon? These are similar to those; except the “Video Vacuum Technical Awards” are given to flicks in a very narrow field of contention. Without further ado here are:
THE 2ND ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM TECHNICAL AWARDS
BEST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME
WINNER: IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
WORST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME (ALSO KNOWN AS “THE UWE”)
LOSER: MAX PAYNE
BIGGEST OVERHYPED MESS
LOSER:
BEST OLD GEEZER CAN STILL KICK ASS MOVIE
WINNER: RAMBO
RUNNER UP: THE WRESTLER
WORST OLD GEEZER CAN STILL KICK ASS MOVIE
LOSER:
BEST ANIMATED MOVIE
WINNER: WALL-E
BEST MUSICAL
WINNER: POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
BEST ESCAPE FROM
WINNER: DOOMSDAY
BEST MAD MAX RIP-OFF
WINNER: DOOMSDAY
BEST RESIDENT EVIL RIP-OFF
WINNER: DOOMSDAY
BEST 28 DAYS LATER RIP-OFF
WINNER: DOOMSDAY
BEST UNDERWORLD RIP-OFF
WINNER: DOOMSDAY
BEST ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES RIP-OFF
WINNER: DOOMSDAY
BEST KNIGHTRIDERS RIP-OFF
WINNER: DOOMSDAY
BEST KILLER VAGINA MOVIE
WINNER: TEETH
BEST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW
WINNER: THE INCREDIBLE HULK
WORST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW
LOSER: SEX AND THE CITY
RUNNER-UP: THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE
BEST KUNG FU MOVIE
WINNER: THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM
WORST BRENDAN FRASER PLAYS A CONSTANTLY MUGGING ARCHEOLOGIST BATTLING CGI MONSTERS MOVIE
TIE: JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH & THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR
BEST DRUNK ACTING
WINNER: JOSH BROLIN in MILK
BEST REMAKE
WINNER: DEATH RACE
BEST KILLER DISGUISE
WINNER: THE BASEBALL CAP from PROM NIGHT
WORST ZOMBIE MOVIE
LOSER: DAY OF THE DEAD
BEST ZOMBIE MOVIE
WINNER: POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
BEST DOCUMENTARY
WINNER: GONZO: THE LIFE AND WORK OF DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON
BEST SHOT WITH A CAMCORDER MOVIE
WINNER: SON OF RAMBOW
WORST SHOT WITH A CAMCORDER MOVIE
LOSER: DIARY OF THE DEAD
TWAT OF THE YEAR AWARD FOR ACHEIVEMENT IN ACTING LIKE A TOTAL BITCH
TWAT: MICHELLE MORGAN in DIARY OF THE DEAD
There, that wasn’t too difficult was it?
Now on with the show. Before I give this first award out though, I’d just like to remind everyone when these awards were announced I made an open statement in which I said that I was “open to monetary bribes” to sway the judges. If somebody REALLY wanted to win these awards they would’ve ponyed up the dough, but nobody did. So if you lose, it’s your own damn fault for not spreading the wealth.
BEST ACTION MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
DOOMSDAY
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
IRON MAN
RAMBO
TROPIC THUNDER
AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO! THE ONLY MOVIE TO MAKE SAVING PRIVATE RYAN LOOK LIKE SENSE AND SENSIBILITY.
BEST JASON STATHAM MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE BANK JOB
DEATH RACE
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
TRANSPORTER 3
AND THE WINNER IS… DEATH RACE! JASON MADE A BUNCH OF FLICKS IN ’08 BUT IT WAS DEATH RACE THAT MADE IT ACROSS THE FINISH LINE.
BEST GROSSOUT SCENE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
A DEFIBRILLATOR IS USED ON A ZOMBIE’S HEAD AND MAKES IT’S EYEBALLS EXPLODE in DIARY OF THE DEAD
THE CRAZY FRENCH BROAD USING A PAIR OF SCISSORS TO GIVE THAT PREGNANT CHICK AN IMPROMPTU C-SECTION in INSIDE
UWE BOLL TRIED TO DIRECT A LOVE SCENE WITH RAY LIOTTA AND LEELEE SOBIESKI in IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
A FAT LESBIAN GETS SHIT ON TO DEATH in KILLER PAD
A WOMAN GETS HER GUTS RIPPED OUT AND THEN IS STRANGLED WITH THEM in THE MOTHER OF TEARS: THE THIRD MOTHER
JOE FLEISHSHAKER GETS A CASE OF KILLER DIARRHEA AND PAINTS THE ROOM BROWN in POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
THE PUNISHER USES A NO. 2 PENCIL TO FIX HIS DEVIATED SEPTUM in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO TURNS A BUNCH OF BURMESE SOLDIERS INTO ITTY BITTY PIECES USING A VERY BIG GUN in RAMBO
THE MEDICAL STUDENT AMPUTATING BOTH LEGS OFF A KRAUT WITH A GINSU KNIFE BEFORE CAUTERIZING THE WOUND WITH A FRYING PAN in THE RUINS
MICK JAGGER DRY HUMPS A PREGNANT CHRISTINA AGUILERA in SHINE A LIGHT
ANY SCENE INVOLVING JESS WEIXLER’S KILLER CUNT CHOMPING OFF CHUMPS’ COCKS in TEETH
A MEDIC REMOVES SEVERAL STAPLES FROM RANDY “THE RAM”’S BACK in THE WRESTLER
AND THE WINNER IS… MICK JAGGER DRY HUMPING A PREGNANT CHRISTINA AGUILERA in SHINE A LIGHT! THAT SCENE LEFT ME SHATTERED. (SHA-DOOBIE)
BEST COMEDY
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
CHOKE
ROLE MODELS
SON OF RAMBOW
TROPIC THUNDER
ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
AND THE WINNER IS… SON OF RAMBOW! WHAT CAN I SAY EXCEPT THAT THIS MOVIE WAS SO INSPIRING THAT IT MADE ME WANT TO MAKE MY OWN MOVIE.
BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE DARK KNIGHT
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
IRON MAN
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
WANTED
AND THE WINNER IS… THE INCREDIBLE HULK! BECAUSE IT MADE US ALL FORGET ABOUT THAT ANG LEE FLICK. (WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING THE DARK KNIGHT?)
BEST SEQUEL
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE DARK KNIGHT
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
QUANTUM OF SOLACE
RAMBO
RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO! SLY STRIKES AGAIN WITH HIS SECOND AWARD OF THE NIGHT! RAMBO IS STILL THE FINEST MOVIE IN WHICH THE MAIN CHARACTER FIRES A GUN 50,000 TIMES AND ONLY HAS TO RELOAD ONCE.
WORST SEQUEL
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
DIARY OF THE DEAD
FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
POISON IVY: THE SECRET SOCIETY
THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE
AND THE LOSER IS… FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS FOR THE COMPLETELY GRATUITOUS DEATH OF AN INFANT.
BEST ACTION SCENE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
JACKIE CHAN VS. JET LI in THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM
HULK AND ABOMINATION DUKE IT OUT ON THE STREETS OF
IRON MAN DONS A MAKESHIFT SCRAP METAL SUIT OF ARMOR AND PULLS A REVERSE 9/11 ON A BUNCH OF ASSHOLE AFGHANI TERRORISTS in IRON MAN
THE OPENING SCENE SHOWCASING THE WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF GREASY GANGSTERS in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO SHOOTS 2,600 PEOPLE INTO LITTLE TINY PIECES WITH A VERY BIG GUN in RAMBO
AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO YET AGAIN! THIRD AWARD OF THE NIGHT FOR BIG SLY. WHO COULD FORGET OLD SLY MACHINE GUNNING THE BEJABBERS OUT OF SLIMY BURMESE SCUMBAGS?
RIP AWARD FOR BEST DEATH SCENE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE JOKER’S “MAGIC TRICK” in THE DARK KNIGHT
THE SELF-INFLICTED DOUBLE SKULL IMPALEMENT VIA SCYTHE in DIARY OF THE DEAD
GINGERDEAD MAN SHOVING A RED HOT CURLING IRON UP A GAY GUY’S ASS in GINGERDEAD MAN 2: PASSION OF THE CRUST
A TERRORIST SHOOTS IRON MAN IN THE HEAD BUT THE BULLET RICOCHETS OFF HIS HELMET AND LANDS IN THE TERRORIST’S SKULL in IRON MAN
PACO
THE VAPORIZATION OF AN ACROBATIC HOOLIGAN VIA ROCKET LAUNCHER in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO CUTS THE HEAD OFF A BURMESE SOLDIER WITH A HOMEMADE MACHETE, GIVING NEW DEFINITION TO THE TERM “
THE BUNK BED OF DEATH SCENE from RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
CASTRATION VIA 4 WHEEL DRIVE JEEP in RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
AND THE WINNER IS… THE JOKER’S “MAGIC TRICK” IN THE DARK KNIGHT. WITH THE DARK KNIGHT AND PUNISHER: WAR ZONE, ’08 TURNED OUT TO BE A GOOD YEAR FOR SUPERHERO MOVIES WITH NO. 2 PENCILS IN THEM.
BEST SCREENPLAY
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
APRIL FOOL’S DAY for “IF THAT ENDS UP ON THE INTERNET, I’LL HAVE YOU RAPED BY A WIZARD!”
BABY MAMA for “IT FEELS LIKE I’M SHITTING A KNIFE!”
THE BANK JOB for “YOU CONNIVING CUNT!”
CHOKE for “THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE OR COMMITMENT. I SIMPLY WANT YOUR SEED!”
THE DARK KNIGHT for “WHATEVER DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRANGER!”
DEATH RACE for “FUCK UP MY RACE COCKSUCKER AND WE’LL SEE WHO SHITS ON THE SIDEWALK!”
DRILLBIT TAYLOR for “I CALL IT MEXICAN JUDO AS IN JUDON’T KNOW WHO YOU’RE MESSING WITH HOLMES!”
THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM for “CROUCHING TIGER, SPANKING MONKEY!”
FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL for “IS THAT A HAPPY TISSUE OR A SAD TISSUE?”
GRAN
HAMLET 2 for “I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN RAPED... IN THE FACE!”
HANCOCK for “I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS, WOMAN!”
HELLBOY 2: THE GOLDEN ARMY for “I’M NOT A BABY, I’M A TUMOR!”
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE for “WISDOM IS OUR HAMMER. PRUDENCE IS OUR NAILS!”
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH for “HUMONGOUS FUNGUS!”
JUMPER for “IF IT MOVES, I CAN JUMP IT!”
LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE for “YOUR SISTER IS A SUCK MONKEY!”
MILK for “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE, LATINO MAN!”
THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR for “YOU THREE-HEADED SHAPE-SHIFTING SON OF A BITCH!”
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS for “WHAT’S DOWN THERE, THE RANCOR?”
POSTAL for “THE TIME HAS COME TO PLACE OUR SWORDS INTO THE GENITALS OF THE INFIDELS!”
POULTRYGEST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD for “GRAB THOSE VEIN-FILLED PULSATING EGGS AND PUT THEM WITH THE BREAKFAST FOOD!”
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE for “I’M GOING TO PUT YOU OUT OF MY MISERY!”
RAMBO for “LIVE FOR SOMETHING OR DIE FOR NOTHING!”
ROGUE for “I FUCKING HATE ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT CAN KILL YOU!”
THE SCORPION KING 2: RISE OF A WARRIOR for “I JUST STEPPED IN SOMEONE!”
SEMI-PRO for “SWEDISH MADE PORN WAS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME THROUGH
SHINE A LIGHT for “WE CAN’T BURN MICK JAGGER!”
SPEED RACER for “I’LL PINCH OFF THOSE TURDS!”
THE SPIRIT for “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL KINDS OF DEAD!”
STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER for “SOLDIER, MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL! PICK UP THAT ARM AND FIND OUT WHO IT BELONGS TO!”
STEP BROTHERS for “I GOT A V OF HAIR GOING FROM MY CHEST-PUBES DOWN TO MY BALL ‘FRO!”
SUPERHERO MOVIE for “YOUR THIGHS LOOK LIKE COTTAGE CHEESE SOMEONE THREW UP ON THE SIDEWALK ON A HOT SUMMER DAY!”
TEETH for “C’MON, I HAVEN’T JERKED OFF SINCE EASTER!”
TROPIC THUNDER for “BEDS GIVE ME NIGHTMARES!”
WRESTLEMANIAC for “THEY GAVE HIM FIFTY LOBOTOMIES AND IT DIDN’T HELP FOR SHIT!”
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS for “GET BACK, YOU WALKING HERPE!”
AND THE WINNER IS… DEATH RACE! WHO KNEW JOAN ALLEN HAD SUCH A FILTHY MOUTH ON HER?
BEST DIRECTOR
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
CLINT EASTWOOD for BEING 78 YEARS OLD AND STILL KICKING ASS in GRAN
JON FAVREAU for THE AWESOME SCENE WHERE IRON MAN FLAMETHROWERS A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS TO DEATH in IRON MAN
MITCHELL LICTHENSTEIN for TEETH for DIRECTING THE BEST KILLER VAGINA MOVIE OF THE YEAR.
MARTIN SCORSESE for FILMING THE SECOND BEST ROLLING STONES MOVIE EVER in SHINE A LIGHT.
SYLVESTER STALLONE for KNOWING HOW TO FILM ACTION SEQUENCES THAT MAKE SAVING PRIVATE RYAN LOOK LIKE SENSE AND SENSIBILITY in RAMBO
AND THE WINNER IS… SYLVESTER STALLONE! THE MAN IS A BEAST IN FRONT OF AND BEHIND THE CAMERA. 4TH AWARD OF THE NIGHT FOR SLY.
BEST ACTOR
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
ROBERT
CLINT EASTWOOD in GRAN
HEATH LEDGER for CREEPING UP THE JOINT in THE DARK KNIGHT
KEITH RICHARDS in SHINE A LIGHT FOR SAYING EIGHT INTELLIGIBLE WORDS
MICKEY ROURKE for FLYING OF THE TOP ROPE WITH STYLE in THE WRESTLER
AND THE WINNER IS… MICKEY ROURKE IN THE WRESTLER! I KNOW A LOT OF EMO-BOY DARK KNIGHT FANS WILL BE WHINING TOMORROW MORNING BECAUSE I’M NOT GIVING THE SYMPATHY VOTE TO POOR UNFORTUNATE HEATH, BUT LET’S FACE IT, RANDY THE RAM WOULD CLOBBER THE JOKER IN A STEEL CAGE MATCH ANYDAY.
BEST ACTRESS
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
JULIE BENZ in RAMBO for BEING THE SEXIEST CHRISTIAN MISSIONARY IN
OLGA KURYLENKO for LOOKING HOTTER THAN SHIT in QUANTUM OF SOLACE
RHONA MITRA for PLAYING A FEMALE SNAKE PLISSKEN IN HISTORY in DOOMSDAY
CHRISTINA RICCI for ALREADY HAVING THE ANIME EYES NECESSARY TO PLAY SPEED RACER’S GIRLFRIEND TRIXIE in SPEED RACER
JESS WEIXLER as THE VIRGINAL HIGH SCHOOL CHICK WHO CHOMPS COCKS OFF OF RAPISTS WITH HER TOOTHY VAGINA in TEETH
AND THE WINNER IS… JULIE BENZ! 5TH WIN OF THE NIGHT FOR RAMBO! JULIE’S GETTING THIS AWARD FOR BEING THE FOXIEST RELIEF WORKER IN
BEST MONSTER
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
ABOMINATION in THE INCREDIBLE HULK
HULK in THE INCREDIBLE HULK
RAMBO in RAMBO, WHO SINGLEHANDEDLY WIPES OUT HALF THE POPULATION OF
KEITH RICHARDS in SHINE A LIGHT
THE MAN-EATING VAGINA in TEETH
AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO! HE COULD TEAR THROUGH ALL THE OTHER MONSTERS IN THIS CATEGORY WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT! (KEITH WOULD PROBABLY GIVE HIM THE MOST TROUBLE.) 6TH AWARD FOR SLY AND CO.
WORST MONSTER
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE MONSTER in CLOVERFIELD. IT LOOKED LIKE A REJECT BUG FROM STARSHIP TROOPERS… 2.
THE SPIDER-MAN “ZOMBIES” from DAY OF THE DEAD WHO RUN LIKE JESSE OWENS ON CRANK, HOWL LIKE BANSHEES AND CAN WALK ON CEILINGS.
THE INVISIBLE SCORPION MONSTER from THE SCORPION KING 2: RISE OF A WARRIOR. SERIOUSLY, WHY PAY FOR THE SPECIAL EFFECTS WHEN YOU CAN JUST HAVE AN “INVISIBLE” MONSTER?
THE GOD BUG from STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER for LOOKING LIKE A DISEASED CUNT ATTACHED TO A BUNCH OF ALASKAN KING CRAB LEGS.
THE PATHETIC WHITE TRASH ZOMBIES from
AND THE LOSER IS… THE SPIDER-MAN “ZOMBIES” FROM DAY OF THE DEAD. SERIOUSLY FOLKS, RENT THE ORIGINAL GUT MUNCHER INSTEAD OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT.
BEST SCENE I COULDN’T MAKE UP
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
A GUY NAMED “BUD” TURNS INTO A ZOMBIE BUT DOESN’T EAT ANYONE BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED VEGETARIAN in DAY OF THE DEAD
JET LI PISSING IN JACKIE CHAN’S FACE in THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM
WILL SMITH SHOVES A DUDE’S HEAD UP ANOTHER GUY’S ASS in HANCOCK
BURT REYNOLDS DRESSED AS A SAMURAI FOR NO GOOD REASON in IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
A CHINESE CHICK THAT INEXPLICABLY KNOWS HOW TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN in THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR
VERNE TROYER GETTING RAPED BY MONKEYS in POSTAL
RAMBO BLOWS AWAY 2,600 BURMESE SOLDIERS AND ONLY RELOADS ONCE in RAMBO
SAMUEL L. JACKSON DRESSED LIKE A NAZI FOR NO APPARENT REASON in THE SPIRIT
BARRY BONDS TAKING A WHOLE BUNCH OF ‘ROIDS AND SHOOTING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS in SUPERHERO MOVIE
GIGANTIC OSTRICHES TRYING TO EAT DREADLOCKED CAVEMEN in 10,000 B.C.
TRACI LORDS BLOWING BUBBLES OUT OF HER PUSSY in ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
A ZOMBIFIED JENNA JAMESON SHOOTING BILLIARD BALLS OUT OF HER TWAT in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS
AND THE WINNER IS… BARRY BONDS TAKING A WHOLE BUNCH OF ‘ROIDS AND SHOOTING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS in SUPERHERO MOVIE. HONESTLY FOLKS, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT TO BELIEVE IT.
BEST FACIAL HAIR
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
JEFF BRIDGES’S BEARD in IRON MAN
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.’S GOATEE in IRON MAN
AL PACINO’S GOATEE in 88 MINUTES
DENNIS QUAID’S BEARD in SMART PEOPLE
JOHN GOODMAN’S MOUSTACHE in SPEED RACER
AND THE WINNER IS… RDJ’S GOAT FROM IRON MAN!
WORST REMAKE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
APRIL FOOL’S DAY
DAY OF THE DEAD
THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL
PROM NIGHT
SISTERS
AND THE LOSER IS… DAY OF THE DEAD. IT’S SAD WHEN YOU HAVE HARDLY ANY FILMS COMPETING FOR THE AWARD FOR BEST REMAKE, BUT THERE ARE A SLEW OF REMAKES TO CHOOSE FROM FOR WORST REMAKE.
WORST STRAIGHT TO DVD MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
APRIL FOOL’S DAY
DAY OF THE DEAD
FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
SISTERS
AND THE WINNER IS… FEAST 2. AND THE SHAME PARADE KNOWN AS FEAST 2 KEEPS RIGHT ON MARCHING.
BEST STRAIGHT TO DVD MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
GINGERDEAD MAN 2: PASSION OF THE CRUST
LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE
RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER
WRESTLEMANIAC
AND THE WINNER IS… RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP. IT TOOK ANGELA TWO DECADES TO RETURN TO CAMP, BUT IT SURE AS SHIT WAS WORTH IT.
BEST HORROR MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
INSIDE
RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
THE SIGNAL
TEETH
AND THE WINNER IS… TEETH. THE BEST KILLER VAGINA MOVIE OF THE YEAR. POSSIBLY OF ALL TIME.
WORST HORROR MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
APRIL FOOL’S DAY
DAY OF THE DEAD
FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
SISTERS
SPIRAL
AND THE WINNER IS… FEAST 2. THE FECES FEST PICKS UP IT’S THIRD AWARD FOR CINEMATIC INEPTITUDE.
WORST MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
APRIL FOOL’S DAY
BOARDING GATE
DAY OF THE DEAD
FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
SEX AND THE CITY
AND THE WINNER IS… YOU GUESSED IT… FEAST 2: SHITTY SECONDS. THE FOURTH TIME’S THE CHARM.
AND NOW FOLKS, THE MOMENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR…
BEST MOVIE
AND THE NOMINEES ARE…
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
IRON MAN
RAMBO
SHINE A LIGHT
TEETH
AND THE WINNER IS… RAMBO! WAS THERE EVER A DOUBT? THAT’S AWARD LUCKY NUMBER 7 FOR SLY! THAT’S A NEW RECORD FOR THE VIDDIES! (8 IF YOU COUNT TECHNICAL AWARDS.)
Thanks for attending everybody. Hope you enjoyed. If you agree or disagree with any of tonight’s winners (or losers), leave me a comment or two. I’m Mitch Lovell and I’ll see you at the movies.
Okay guys, sorry I’m a little late getting out the nominations for the 2nd Annual Video Vacuum Awards (or as I like to call ‘em, The Viddies). It’s been a busy week for me and I apologize. Last year, Grindhouse walked away with FIVE Viddies, including Best Picture. Who will win this year?
Now 2008 was a great year for movies. I personally handed out over a dozen Four Star reviews, something I’m particularly proud of. Were the movies really that good or are my standards just really low? Well… let’s not dwell on that. In fact, let’s cut right to the chase. Without further ado here are:
THE NOMINEES FOR THE 2008 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS
BEST ACTION MOVIE
DOOMSDAY
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
IRON MAN
RAMBO
TROPIC THUNDER
BEST JASON STATHAM MOVIE
THE BANK JOB
DEATH RACE
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
TRANSPORTER 3
BEST GROSSOUT SCENE
A DEFIBRILLATOR IS USED ON A ZOMBIE’S HEAD AND MAKES IT’S EYEBALLS EXPLODE in DIARY OF THE DEAD
THE CRAZY FRENCH BROAD USING A PAIR OF SCISSORS TO GIVE THAT PREGNANT CHICK AN IMPROMPTU C-SECTION in INSIDE
UWE BOLL TRIED TO DIRECT A LOVE SCENE WITH RAY LIOTTA AND LEELEE SOBIESKI in IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
A FAT LESBIAN GETS SHIT ON TO DEATH in KILLER PAD
A WOMAN GETS HER GUTS RIPPED OUT AND THEN IS STRANGLED WITH THEM in THE MOTHER OF TEARS: THE THIRD MOTHER
JOE FLEISHSHAKER GETS A CASE OF KILLER DIARRHEA AND PAINTS THE ROOM BROWN in POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
THE PUNISHER USES A NO. 2 PENCIL TO FIX HIS DEVIATED SEPTUM in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO TURNS A BUNCH OF BURMESE SOLDIERS INTO ITTY BITTY PIECES USING A VERY BIG GUN in RAMBO
THE MEDICAL STUDENT AMPUTATING BOTH LEGS OFF A KRAUT WITH A GINSU KNIFE BEFORE CAUTERIZING THE WOUND WITH A FRYING PAN in THE RUINS
MICK JAGGER DRY HUMPS A PREGNANT CHRISTINA AGUILERA in SHINE A LIGHT
ANY SCENE INVOLVING JESS WEIXLER’S KILLER CUNT CHOMPING OFF CHUMPS’ COCKS in TEETH
A MEDIC REMOVES SEVERAL STAPLES FROM RANDY “THE RAM”’S BACK in THE WRESTLER
BEST COMEDY
CHOKE
ROLE MODELS
SON OF RAMBOW
TROPIC THUNDER
ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
BEST COMIC BOOK MOVIE
THE DARK KNIGHT
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
IRON MAN
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
WANTED
BEST SEQUEL
THE DARK KNIGHT
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
QUANTUM OF SOLACE
RAMBO
RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
WORST SEQUEL
DIARY OF THE DEAD
FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
POISON IVY: THE SECRET SOCIETY
THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE
BEST ACTION SCENE
JACKIE CHAN VS. JET LI in THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM
HULK AND ABOMINATION DUKE IT OUT ON THE STREETS OF
IRON MAN DONS A MAKESHIFT SCRAP METAL SUIT OF ARMOR AND PULLS A REVERSE 9/11 ON A BUNCH OF ASSHOLE AFGHANI TERRORISTS in IRON MAN
THE OPENING SCENE SHOWCASING THE WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF GREASY GANGSTERS in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO SHOOTS 2,600 PEOPLE INTO LITTLE TINY PIECES WITH A VERY BIG GUN in RAMBO
RIP AWARD FOR BEST DEATH SCENE
THE JOKER’S “MAGIC TRICK” in THE DARK KNIGHT
THE SELF-INFLICTED DOUBLE SKULL IMPALEMENT VIA SCYTHE in DIARY OF THE DEAD
GINGERDEAD MAN SHOVING A RED HOT CURLING IRON UP A GAY GUY’S ASS in GINGERDEAD MAN 2: PASSION OF THE CRUST
A TERRORIST SHOOTS IRON MAN IN THE HEAD BUT THE BULLET RICOCHETS OFF HIS HELMET AND LANDS IN THE TERRORIST’S SKULL in IRON MAN
PACO
THE VAPORIZATION OF AN ACROBATIC HOOLIGAN VIA ROCKET LAUNCHER in PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO CUTS THE HEAD OFF A BURMESE SOLDIER WITH A HOMEMADE MACHETE, GIVING NEW DEFINITION TO THE TERM “
THE BUNK BED OF DEATH SCENE from RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
CASTRATION VIA 4 WHEEL DRIVE JEEP in RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
BEST SCREENPLAY
APRIL FOOL’S DAY for “IF THAT ENDS UP ON THE INTERNET, I’LL HAVE YOU RAPED BY A WIZARD!”
BABY MAMA for “IT FEELS LIKE I’M SHITTING A KNIFE!”
THE BANK JOB for “YOU CONNIVING CUNT!”
CHOKE for “THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE OR COMMITMENT. I SIMPLY WANT YOUR SEED!”
THE DARK KNIGHT for “WHATEVER DOESN’T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRANGER!”
DEATH RACE for “FUCK UP MY RACE COCKSUCKER AND WE’LL SEE WHO SHITS ON THE SIDEWALK!”
DRILLBIT TAYLOR for “I CALL IT MEXICAN JUDO AS IN JUDON’T KNOW WHO YOU’RE MESSING WITH HOLMES!”
THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM for “CROUCHING TIGER, SPANKING MONKEY!”
FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL for “IS THAT A HAPPY TISSUE OR A SAD TISSUE?”
GRAN
HAMLET 2 for “I FEEL LIKE I’VE BEEN RAPED... IN THE FACE!”
HANCOCK for “I WILL BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS, WOMAN!”
HELLBOY 2: THE GOLDEN ARMY for “I’M NOT A BABY, I’M A TUMOR!”
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE for “WISDOM IS OUR HAMMER. PRUDENCE IS OUR NAILS!”
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH for “HUMONGOUS FUNGUS!”
JUMPER for “IF IT MOVES, I CAN JUMP IT!”
LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE for “YOUR SISTER IS A SUCK MONKEY!”
MILK for “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE, LATINO MAN!”
THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR for “YOU THREE-HEADED SHAPE-SHIFTING SON OF A BITCH!”
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS for “WHAT’S DOWN THERE, THE RANCOR?”
POSTAL for “THE TIME HAS COME TO PLACE OUR SWORDS INTO THE GENITALS OF THE INFIDELS!”
POULTRYGEST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD for “GRAB THOSE VEIN-FILLED PULSATING EGGS AND PUT THEM WITH THE BREAKFAST FOOD!”
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE for “I’M GOING TO PUT YOU OUT OF MY MISERY!”
RAMBO for “LIVE FOR SOMETHING OR DIE FOR NOTHING!”
ROGUE for “I FUCKING HATE ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT CAN KILL YOU!”
THE SCORPION KING 2: RISE OF A WARRIOR for “I JUST STEPPED IN SOMEONE!”
SEMI-PRO for “SWEDISH MADE PORN WAS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME THROUGH
SHINE A LIGHT for “WE CAN’T BURN MICK JAGGER!”
SPEED RACER for “I’LL PINCH OFF THOSE TURDS!”
THE SPIRIT for “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL KINDS OF DEAD!”
STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER for “SOLDIER, MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL! PICK UP THAT ARM AND FIND OUT WHO IT BELONGS TO!”
STEP BROTHERS for “I GOT A V OF HAIR GOING FROM MY CHEST-PUBES DOWN TO MY BALL ‘FRO!”
SUPERHERO MOVIE for “YOUR THIGHS LOOK LIKE COTTAGE CHEESE SOMEONE THREW UP ON THE SIDEWALK ON A HOT SUMMER DAY!”
TEETH for “C’MON, I HAVEN’T JERKED OFF SINCE EASTER!”
TROPIC THUNDER for “BEDS GIVE ME NIGHTMARES!”
WRESTLEMANIAC for “THEY GAVE HIM FIFTY LOBOTOMIES AND IT DIDN’T HELP FOR SHIT!”
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS for “GET BACK, YOU WALKING HERPE!”
BEST DIRECTOR
CLINT EASTWOOD for BEING 78 YEARS OLD AND STILL KICKING ASS in GRAN
JON FAVREAU for THE AWESOME SCENE WHERE IRON MAN FLAMETHROWERS A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS TO DEATH in IRON MAN
MITCHELL LICTHENSTEIN for TEETH for DIRECTING THE BEST KILLER VAGINA MOVIE OF THE YEAR.
MARTIN SCORSESE for FILMING THE SECOND BEST ROLLING STONES MOVIE EVER in SHINE A LIGHT.
SYLVESTER STALLONE for KNOWING HOW TO FILM ACTION SEQUENCES THAT MAKE SAVING PRIVATE RYAN LOOK LIKE SENSE AND SENSIBILITY in RAMBO
BEST ACTOR
ROBERT
CLINT EASTWOOD in GRAN
HEATH LEDGER for CREEPING UP THE JOINT in THE DARK KNIGHT
KEITH RICHARDS in SHINE A LIGHT FOR SAYING EIGHT INTELLIGIBLE WORDS
MICKEY ROURKE for FLYING OF THE TOP ROPE WITH STYLE in THE WRESTLER
BEST ACTRESS
JULIE BENZ in RAMBO for BEING THE SEXIEST CHRISTIAN MISSIONARY IN
OLGA KURYLENKO for LOOKING HOTTER THAN SHIT in QUANTUM OF SOLACE
RHONA MITRA for PLAYING A FEMALE SNAKE PLISSKEN CHARACTER in DOOMSDAY
CHRISTINA RICCI for ALREADY HAVING THE ANIME EYES NECESSARY TO PLAY SPEED RACER’S GIRLFRIEND TRIXIE in SPEED RACER
JESS WEIXLER as THE VIRGINAL HIGH SCHOOL CHICK WHO CHOMPS COCKS OFF OF RAPISTS WITH HER TOOTHY VAGINA in TEETH
BEST MONSTER
ABOMINATION in THE INCREDIBLE HULK
HULK in THE INCREDIBLE HULK
RAMBO in RAMBO, WHO SINGLEHANDEDLY WIPES OUT HALF THE POPULATION OF
KEITH RICHARDS in SHINE A LIGHT
THE MAN-EATING VAGINA in TEETH
WORST MONSTER
THE MONSTER in CLOVERFIELD. IT LOOKED LIKE A REJECT BUG FROM STARSHIP TROOPERS… 2.
THE SPIDER-MAN “ZOMBIES” from DAY OF THE DEAD WHO RUN LIKE JESSE OWENS ON CRANK, HOWL LIKE BANSHEES AND CAN WALK ON CEILINGS.
THE INVISIBLE SCORPION MONSTER from THE SCORPION KING 2: RISE OF A WARRIOR. SERIOUSLY, WHY PAY FOR THE SPECIAL EFFECTS WHEN YOU CAN JUST HAVE AN “INVISIBLE” MONSTER?
THE GOD BUG from STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER for LOOKING LIKE A DISEASED CUNT ATTACHED TO A BUNCH OF ALASKAN KING CRAB LEGS.
THE PATHETIC WHITE TRASH ZOMBIES from
BEST SCENE I COULDN’T MAKE UP
A GUY NAMED “BUD” TURNS INTO A ZOMBIE BUT DOESN’T EAT ANYONE BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMNED VEGETARIAN in DAY OF THE DEAD
JET LI PISSING IN JACKIE CHAN’S FACE in THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM
WILL SMITH SHOVES A DUDE’S HEAD UP ANOTHER GUY’S ASS in HANCOCK
BURT REYNOLDS DRESSED AS A SAMURAI FOR NO GOOD REASON in IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
A CHINESE CHICK THAT INEXPLICABLY KNOWS HOW TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN in THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR
VERNE TROYER GETTING RAPED BY MONKEYS in POSTAL
RAMBO BLOWS AWAY 2,600 BURMESE SOLDIERS AND ONLY RELOADS ONCE in RAMBO
SAMUEL L. JACKSON DRESSED LIKE A NAZI FOR NO APPARENT REASON in THE SPIRIT
BARRY BONDS TAKING A WHOLE BUNCH OF ‘ROIDS AND SHOOTING LASERS OUT OF HIS EYEBALLS in SUPERHERO MOVIE
GIGANTIC OSTRICHES TRYING TO EAT DREADLOCKED CAVEMEN in 10,000 B.C.
TRACI LORDS BLOWING BUBBLES OUT OF HER PUSSY in ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
A ZOMBIFIED JENNA JAMESON SHOOTING BILLIARD BALLS OUT OF HER TWAT in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS
BEST FACIAL HAIR
JEFF BRIDGES’S BEARD in IRON MAN
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.’S GOATEE in IRON MAN
AL PACINO’S GOATEE in 88 MINUTES
DENNIS QUAID’S BEARD in SMART PEOPLE
JOHN GOODMAN’S MOUSTACHE in SPEED RACER
WORST REMAKE
APRIL FOOL’S DAY
DAY OF THE DEAD
THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL
PROM NIGHT
SISTERS
WORST STRAIGHT TO DVD MOVIE
APRIL FOOL’S DAY
DAY OF THE DEAD
FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
SISTERS
BEST STRAIGHT TO DVD MOVIE
GINGERDEAD MAN 2: PASSION OF THE CRUST
LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE
RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
STARSHIP TROOPERS 3: MARAUDER
WRESTLEMANIAC
BEST HORROR MOVIE
INSIDE
RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP
POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
THE SIGNAL
TEETH
WORST HORROR MOVIE
APRIL FOOL’S DAY
DAY OF THE DEAD
FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
SISTERS
SPIRAL
BEST MOVIE
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
IRON MAN
RAMBO
SHINE A LIGHT
TEETH
WORST MOVIE
APRIL FOOL’S DAY
BOARDING GATE
DAY OF THE DEAD
FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECONDS
SEX AND THE CITY
Hopefully folks, I’ll have the winners announced before that OTHER big award show takes place out in Hollyweird. Stay tuned fellow Video Vacuumers!
PS: If anybody has any ideas on who SHOULD or SHOULD NOT win, post a comment or two. It may help to sway the judges. (And speaking of swaying judges, I want all the nominees to know that I DO accept monetary bribes; so if you really want to win one of these coveted Viddies, all you got to do is grease my err... the 'judges'' palms.)
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