Hard Ticket to Hawaii is perhaps the greatest Andy Sidaris movie ever made.  It features everything that a great Andy Sidaris movie should have; namely topless gut-toting Playboy Playmates, softcore sex scenes, Kung Fu, remote control helicopters, scuzzy drug dealers, studly guys who can’t shoot straight, beautiful locations, Jacuzzis, random guys driving motorcycles and ATV’s, people sipping champagne on a yacht, comic relief henchmen, James Bond references, shit blowing up, etc.   As an added bonus, there is also a subplot involving a killer mutant cancer-ridden snake.

Folks, how many movies can you name off the top of your head that feature killer mutant cancer-ridden snakes?

I first caught this flick when I was ten years old on Skinamax at about two in the morning and have never forgotten it.  Hard Ticket to Hawaii served as my introduction to the world of Andy Sidaris and that’s also another reason why it has a special place in my heart.  Nobody combines tits and guns like Andy Sidaris and in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, he really outdoes himself.  We get a lot of tits and a lot of guns.

The main problem with Andy’s films is that they are all interchangeable and it’s hard to tell one from another.  Also, the stuff that doesn’t revolve around tits and guns isn’t nearly as much fun.  I’ve seen every single one of Andy’s flicks from the 80’s and 90’s and despite their varying quality they all get *** from me just for the sheer number of naked Playmates and explosions.  

The thing about Hard Ticket to Hawaii that sets it apart from the rest of Sidaris’ work is the fucking awesome killer mutant cancer-ridden snake.  Andy doesn’t get a lot of credit as a “director” director but the scene where the snake pops out of the toilet ranks right up there with the shower scene in Psycho.  Other than that there’s a pretty cool scene involving a razor-lined Frisbee as well as the bat shit insane part where a blow-up doll gets bazooka’ed to death!

Andy also knows how to write some fucking brilliant dialogue too.  Not many of the lines make a whole lot of sense (“One man’s dream is another man’s lunch!”) but I got to tell you, Sidaris is a gifted writer.  Who else could write the line, “If brains were bird shit, you’d have a clean cage!” and get away with it?  

Picasso Trigger was the next in the series.