This review goes out to my buddy Ryan Kenner who has his own action movie review website (http://www.geocities.com/pistolsblazing85/MoviesInTheAttic.html) who sent me an email demanding more Dolph Lundgren reviews.  I’ll pretty much do anything for my fans, so Ryan, this is for you.  Hope you like it as I got plenty more Dolph flicks en route from Netflix…

If you were a boy-child of the 80’s like me, you played with Masters of the Universe action figures (unless your parents were specifically breeding you for a decidedly un-hetero lifestyle; that is).  I loved sitting on the floor playing with He-Man Skeletor, Orko, Man-At-Arms and Teela in my Castle of Grayskull playset while simultaneously watching the Masters of the Universe cartoon.  As much as I loved He-Man, my all time favorite Masters of the Universe character was Stinkor; a kind of mutant half-man half-skunk that literally smelled like a real skunk.  I have to congratulate the toy exec who thought THAT one up.  (“Hey guys, let’s make a toy that smells like a SKUNK!”)  Only in the 80’s…

Anyway, Masters of the Universe was the big-screen version of the He-Man action figures/cartoon/Marvel comic book.  I never saw it as a kid because my internal BS monitor knew it was going to be bad.  Even at nine years-old, I knew that if it was made by Cannon Films you know that the budget is going to be about seven bucks, so you shouldn’t expect quality of any kind.  And speaking of cheap, He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) and Co. only spend about 15 minutes on their home planet of Eternia before a dumb ass wizard named Gwildor (Billy Barty) zaps them into present day California.  (Which is much cheaper than filming in Eternia I suppose.) 

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  What happens is Skeletor (Frost/Nixon’s Frank Langella) imprisons the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull.  He-Man and his buddies try to rescue her but have to escape to another dimension using Gwildor’s “cosmic key”.  They end up in California where a dumb chick with dead parents (Courtney Cox) finds the key and she and her keyboard playing boyfriend try to make music with it.  (“It must be one of those new Japanese synthesizers!”)  This predictably gets Skeletor’s attention and he rides into California on what looks to be a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day float and he kidnaps He-Man and takes him back to Eternia.  In the end, He-Man finally gets his mitts on his sword, says his catchphrase “I HAVE THE POWER!” and kicks Skeletor’s ass.

In short, it’s He-Man In Name Only.

I loved the cartoon and the toys, but this movie just fills me with venom.  WHY in God’s name does a He-Man movie have to take place in California?  (Answer:  To further line Golan and Globus’ pockets.)  Seriously, how hard would it have been just to film the flick out in a desert somewhere and pass it off as Eternia?  I mean that Grayskull set is actually pretty cool looking; couldn’t they have just set the whole movie there?  NOOOOO… instead we get a lot of stupid scenes where He-Man interacts with various idiotic Southern Californian types.  ARGH! 

Masters of the Universe just doesn’t much feel like a He-Man movie to me.  While He-Man, Skeletor and Evil-Lyn somewhat resemble their plastic counterparts, Teela looks like a reject from Thunderdome.  Of Skeletor’s henchmen, only Beast-Man is a real character, although one guy does look like Trap Jaw a little bit.  (Where’s Stinkor when you need him?)  Plus there is no ORKO!  There is only this Gwildor idiot who gets on your nerves in every scene he’s in… and he’s in just about every scene! 

The moronic teens also wore thin on my nerves and the gratuitous dumb ass cop (James Tolkan from Back to the Future) made me want to strangle somebody.  And the less said about the scene in which Skeletor wears a golden crown that makes him look like a disco version of Galactus, the better.  To further save on money and add to the movie’s woes, Castle Grayskull is just a cheap looking matte painting and looks pretty terrible too.

I tried to like Dolph in this movie.  It’s not his fault that he sucks.  With his perfectly coifed mullet and perpetually blank stare, Dolph is pretty much a non-entity in the film.  The mortal sin the movie commits is that it never really gives He-Man anything to do and at all times, he seems to be stuck on the sidelines while all the other menial supporting characters hog the spotlight.  Langella gets to ham it up but his performance is a thankless one since he’s buried behind tons of latex.  Meg Foster, with her magnificently blue eyes does a fine job as Evil-Lyn; although like He-Man she just kinda hangs out for most of the movie.

Things I DID like about the movie:  The laser gun battle in the music store, the scene where He-Man flies around on a hovering surfboard, Bill Conti’s Superman-ish score, and any brief scenes that actually took place on Eternia.  Director Gary Goddard later went on to direct the live action segments for the Terminator 3-D ride.

Over the past couple of years, Hollyweird keeps threatening to remake He-Man.  Make them stop.

Space Ranger Rocky Jones (Richard Crane) and his goofy sidekick Winky (Scotty Beckett) get assigned to rescue a hot princess (Sally Mansfield) after her ship is attacked by space pirates.  Rocky follows the space bandits to the planet of Prah and gets to slug a couple of those bastards with a barrage of right crosses.  Meanwhile, Rocky’s exploits get the attention from the bitchy Queen Cleolanta (Patsy Parsons) who quickly gets the hots for him and gets royally pissed when she can’t get her hands on her man.

Like Crash of the Moons and Menace from Outer Space, Manhunt in Space is just three episodes of the Rocky Jones TV show slapped together and passed off on an unsuspecting public.  This makes for a herky jerky narrative to be sure.  As with those flicks, Manhunt in Space is kinda fun if you’re a fan of that sort of thing.  I liked the cheesy rocket effects, stupid “scientific” explanations, goofy costumes, and hot 50’s chicks in skintight spandex.  The highpoint of the silliness comes when Rocky turns his spaceship invisible (using “Cold Light”), presumably only to save the special effects crew a couple bucks on Estes rockets.

Crane, with his rugged good looks and his square jawed machismo, handles himself well in the role of Rocky.  You have to put up with an annoyingly precocious little brat named Bobby running around the ship, but you’re ensured to be rolling in the floor with laughter whenever you hear the effeminate Winky pining for “the gay nightlife”.  If you don’t crack up at that shit, you’ll get a big chuckle out of his folksy musical number!

AKA:  Rocky Jones, Space Ranger.  AKA:  Pirates of Prah.

I remember seeing Mystery Science Theater 3000 for the first time when I was about 12 years old, around the time the second season began and it was love at first sight.  If you don’t already know the premise, shame on you.  Basically Dr. Forrester (Trace Beaulieu) puts a temp worker named Mike (Michael J. Nelson) into space and tries to drive him crazy by forcing him to watch bad movies.  To cope, Mike, along with his robot pals Tom Servo (voiced by Kevin Murphy) and Crow (voiced by Beaulieu) make funny wisecracks at the movies’ expense.  I’m telling you now that this review is coming from a die hard fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (or MiSTies, as we are more commonly known), so if you’re one of those people who bemoan the fact that The Movie makes fun of This Island Earth, a film that some consider “a classic”, you can put an egg in your shoe and beat it. 

Mystery Science Theater 3000:  The Movie is slightly different from the series in that the budget is slightly larger and the running time is slighter shorter (an average episode clocks in at about 90 minutes while The Movie is less than 75).  Since the writers chopped about 25 minutes of out This Island Earth’s running time, it greatly reduces the fat of the movie and allows Mike and Co. to make fun of (or “riff”) on only the best scenes.  (Which is a good thing considering some episodes suffer from dry spells where the movie is just too bad to crack wise on.)  The flick is also PG-13, which means that the crew can make more drug references and say “shit” every once and awhile. 

The writers and performers really brought their A game to The Movie and as a result, MST3K:TM is one of their funniest efforts, second only to the infamous Manos:  The Hands of Fate episode, in this humble reviewers opinion.  There are so many good riffs in this one.  The robots make fun of the “Mu-Tant” monster, saying he looks like he’s wearing slacks.  There are a lot of jokes made at the human-looking alien’s foreheads.  We also get some pretty good Gilligan’s Island jabs, which is fitting since the Professor himself, Russell Johnson has a small role in the movie.  The funniest gag (to me anyways) is the Top Gun reference, which literally had me in the floor laughing the first time I saw it.  Since this has only happened to me on a few movies (Blazing Saddles was another), this means that Mystery Science Theater 3000:  The Movie comes with the highest recommendation and you should really watch it NOW.

Mystery Science Theater 3000:  The Movie ranks Number 2 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten for 1996, just below Escape from LA and right above Bottle Rocket.

With This Island Earth being such an integral part to Mystery Science Theater 3000:  The Movie, I feel the need to review it as well, while I’m thinking of it:

THIS ISLAND EARTH  (1955)  ***

Cal (Rex Reason) is a jet flying scientist who almost crashes his plane when it is mysteriously saved by a glowing green aura.  Later, while building some sciency looking thing, he receives instructions through the mail of how to build an “Interociter”, a glorified LCD TV.  We learn that the Interociter building assignment was just a test sent out by the smirking white-haired huge-foreheaded scientist Exeter (Jeff Morrow) to find the brightest scientific minds in the world.  He brings Cal to his secluded ranch where he teams up with a lady scientist named Ruth (Faith Domergue) to work on a top secret project.  They slowly realize that Exeter and his oddly shaped skulled partners are actually aliens who want to invade the Earth and drain it of its uranium.  After the aliens kidnap Cal and Ruth and take them back to their home world, Exeter proves he isn’t all bad and saves them from a big brained “Mu-Tant”.  (“He’s similar to your insects… larger of course.”)  Eventually, he gives them a ride back to Earth before the mortally wounded Exeter crashes his ship into the sea.

Sure, This Island Earth isn’t a “bad” movie per se, but it’s no classic.  Like most Universal Sci-Fi/horror films from the 50’s, it’s not without its charms.  The cheesy effects, goofy looking monsters, and bombastic acting make for a fun time.  It’s these same ingredients that make This Island Earth a prime target for Mike and the ‘bots.  Sure, the film is still perfectly watchable on its own terms, but it’s given a new lease on life courtesy of the trio’s constant commentary.   

Reason and Morrow later teamed up for The Creature Walks Among Us the next year.

Well I’ve been itching to give The Dark Knight another viewing (since I had some major problems with the final act), so me and the wife fired up the old Cavalier and gunned that sumbitch up to The Diamond State Drive-In Theater in Felton, Delaware for a Sequel Double Feature of Batman 6 and The X-Files Deux.  Now usually, the drive-in plays the newer movie first and the second-run movie last, but since The Dark Knight has been more popular than a double jointed hooker, they showed Batman first.  As previously stated, I have some problems with the last third of the movie, but I decided to give the film a second chance because the first time I saw it, it was midnight, I was dead tired, and my bladder was committing hari-kari on me for half the movie.  I thought that maybe seeing the flick at the drive-in, within the comfortable confines of my Cavalier, it might better my judgment a little. 

Well… I still stand by my original review.  The movie is perfect up until the ferry boat scene; then everything promptly goes down the shitter.  Heath Ledger is great, giving probably the best performance I’ve seen at the drive-in in quite sometime; one that we’d probably still be hooting and hollering about even if he didn’t go ahead and make himself into a Hot Topic Martyr.   *** ½. 

Then after the intermission (you know the one with the juggling box of popcorn), The X-Files:  I Want to Believe started up, or as I like to call it:  The X-Files:  I Want to Believe I’ll Somehow Get My Eight Bucks Back. 

Man did it ever stink up the joint. 

Now I was never a fan of the X-Files TV show, but the first movie was pretty decent.  Actually, now that I think about it, I can’t remember thing one that happened in that flick.  I don’t know if that’s because it’s been ten years since I last saw it or if it’s just because it just wasn’t all that memorable, I’m not sure.  Anyway, it’s the worst sequel since Indiana Jones fucked around with them crystal skull paperweights.

Billy (The Boondock Saints) Connolly stars as this psychic pedophile priest who acts like a bloodhound and sniffs out body parts hiding in icy lakes for the FBI.  Shit’s pretty weird right, so the Feds decide it’s high time to bring in Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) to help with the investigation.  Mulder mumbles a lot and Scully gives everyone that “I have PMS, don’t fuck with me” look of hers for about an hour so until they finally figure out that there are a bunch of homosexual Russian Frankenstein fuckers running around lopping off people’s body parts and gluing them onto their lover’s torso. 

Okay, roll call of all the movies this mess rips off of:

The Silence of the Lambs.  (Chubby women getting kidnapped and stuck in damp places while their captors dawdle around and wait to kill them.)

Turistas.  (Black market organ donors who prey upon unsuspecting Americans and steal their body parts.)

Pieces.  (A murderer running around collecting body parts.)

The Dead Zone.  (Psychic whackjob helping the police find a killer.)

Frankenhooker.  (A maniac with dubious medical credentials and a laboratory in his garage keeps this lover alive by slapping other people’s body parts onto ‘em.)

The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  (Sexual deviant building his perfect man out of spare body parts.)

Now you would THINK that a movie that rips off of all these flicks would have a recipe for success but unfortunately director (and series creator) Chris Carter doesn’t spring any of this on us until the last ten minutes.  That’s bad enough but the real problem with the movie is that there isn’t even enough plot in this thing to fill a one hour episode, let alone a two hour, decade-after-the-fact sequel.  In fact, nothing really feels very X-Filesy about this movie until the final reel.  Hell, even Indiana Jones 4 had more X-Files type shit in it than this flick.  I thought The X-Files was supposed to be all about aliens and crap, and not a bunch of half-assed-homosexual-organ-donors-bull-honky.  There’s also a Gratuitous Sick Kid Who Needs A Controversial Stem-Cell-Research Brain Operation that brings the movie to a screeching halt.  Not only that, but there’s also an unintentionally hilarious moment when the “eerie” X-Files whistling theme plays over a picture of George W. Bush that has to be seen to be… uh… believed.

Duchovny delivers a solid performance, if you can take his patented, nasally, monotone persona that is.  Anderson is okay, but the film gives her way too many I’ve-Got-To-Save-The-Sick-Retard scenes for her to flounder in.  On the plus side, neither one of them looks as if they’ve aged a day so if they ever decide to wait ANOTHER ten years to make XF3, at least they’ll still look the same. 

Token rapper Xzibit took time off from pimping people’s rides long enough to play the Asshole FBI Man who says things like, “I don’t believe this!”, just so Mulder can holler the movie’s subtitle, “I WANT to believe!” 

I WANT to believe I didn’t wait ten years to see this crap.

Well folks, seeing as though this MIGHT be the last year for the Diamond State Drive-In, we have to do our patriotic American duty to save this beloved establishment.  The drive-in movie theater itself is already an endangered species and the Diamond State Drive-In is the last drive-in left in state of Delaware.  So if you guys and gals love the drive-in as much as I do, drop the Felton Community Historical Society a line (ATT:  Sarah Ferguson, email:  sferguson@townoffelton.com) and let them know why you all think that the drive-in should remain in Delaware.

I never got into the cult Comedy Central TV show this barely released comedy is based off of, but this flick has a couple of genuine laughs and is a sporadically amusing way to kill 85 minutes. 

Amy Sedaris stars as Jerri, a forty-something ex-prostitute/ex-junkie who gets out of prison only to find out that her father (Dan Hedaya) is in a coma.  Her family doctor (Ian Holm) recommends for her to reconnect with her childhood in order to awaken her father from his slumber, so Jerri goes back to high school where she tries to fit in with her peers and hopefully win the school science fair.

The paper thin plot is just an excuse for Sedaris to act like a slutty tard without a helmet.  Her shenanigans are intermittently funny, but most of the laughs come from Stephen Colbert (who also co-wrote the screenplay) as the closeted science teacher.  It’s also pretty great seeing a big name supporting cast (including Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker) turning up in extended cameos. 

Comedies like this one are an acquired taste.  I usually give comedies a star rating based off of how much I laughed.  In that respect, Strangers with Candy’s ** ½ rating is justified.  I mean I laughed enough to keep myself amused but honestly, as I sit here to write this review I can’t remember what gags really made me laugh. 

I’m sure fans of the show will probably eat this up.  For the uninitiated, it’s worth at least a rental. 

David Letterman of all people, executive produced. 

I could always take or leave the 60’s TV spy spoof (created by comedy legends Buck Henry and Mel Brooks) that this flick is based on, so it’s a surprise to announce that this new Get Smart is a lot of fun.  It’s a fast and funny action comedy with a great cast and is a perfect example of a well done summer popcorn movie.

Steve Carell fills in for Don Adams’ phone shoes as Maxwell Smart, a rookie spy for the top government agency CONTROL, who is out to stop a maniacal arms dealer from the sinister terrorist group KAOS (Terence Stamp) from blowing up the President.  Since he’s partnered with the no-nonsense, but dead sexy Agent 99 (Anne Hathaway), Smart predictably falls head over heels for her.

Steve Carell’s brand of humor is perfectly suited to the material.  While he’s not the first person that immediately comes to mind when you think of the ideal Maxwell Smart, you’re always assured a good laugh or two whenever he’s getting himself into trouble.  Carell and Hathaway make a great team and their chemistry keeps the movie afloat during the occasional lulls.  The supporting cast includes The Rock (I refuse to call him by his Christian name), Alan Arkin (as The Chief), David Koechner, and even Bill Murray, all of whom have their moments.
 

As funny as Carell and Hathaway are, Get Smart works just as well as an honest to goodness spy movie as it does a comedy.  Director Peter (Naked Gun 33 1/3) Segal blows something up real good every twenty minutes or so, which is always a sign of a capable action director.  The skydiving scene in this flick is the best of it’s kind since Terminal Velocity, and the film also features the best Avoid the Red Alarm Laser scene since Entrapment.  The movie probably could’ve used another pass around the editing table (at 111 minutes, it’s probably about 11 minutes longer than necessary), but that shouldn’t stop you from thoroughly enjoying it.

Carell gets the best line of the movie when a hungry rat crawls up the front of his pants and he yells:  “That’s not cheese!”

Get Smart has enough explosions and laughs for it to land at the Number 8 spot on The Video Vacuum Top Ten for 2008, sandwiched in between The Forbidden Kingdom and The Ruins. 

Okay, I know that most of you guys are going to be hurting from this movie.  It’s bad.  Real bad.  Yeah, I know your wife or girlfriend will tell you, “You took me to see Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, so now you have to see Sex and the City with me!”  Fellas, I know Indy 4 was bad but trust me, about halfway through this shitfest you’ll be on your knees begging for a crystal skull to pop up somewhere.

For all of you who don’t Mitch’s Rule for Chick Flicks; allow me to clue you in.  It’s a known medical fact that Chick Flicks are detrimental to a guy’s health.  In order for a guy to be able to sit through a chick flick, he must be promised sex afterwards.  The worse the Chick Flick, the more the chick has to put out.  For example:

Four stars = Kiss on the cheek.  Now before you say, “But Mitch, there are no such things as a four star Chick Flick”, but you’re wrong.  There is ONE and it was called Terms of Endearment and it was worth sitting through solely because of Jack Nicholson’s awesome performance.  Four star Chick Flicks only come along once in a lifetime and don’t let your mate forget it.

Three stars = Hand job.  Three star Chick Flicks come around about once every four or five years and are low on torture, but still contain enough lovey dovey bull honkey to warrant SOME sexual satisfaction for the male.  See:  High Fidelity.

Two stars = Blow job.  Two star Chick Flicks feature LOTS of lovey dovey bull honkey and/or a terminal illness but most likely will feature at least one very masculine actor that the male audience can identify with, like Patrick Swayze in Ghost.  These films are usually followed by oral retribution on the female’s part to justify the man’s waste of $9 for the movie ticket and/or any other expenditures his date may require like cab fare or Super Sizing her Value Meal.

One star = Sex in the V-Hole.  One star Chick Flicks are a dime a dozen.  If your woman drug you to see The Devil Wears Prada, you get to fuck her.  Marie Antoinette?  You get to fuck her.  My Big Fat Greek Wedding?  You get to fuck her.  Girls, there’s no way around this one; it’s the law in the 48 continental United States.

No stars = You get to do her in the pooper.  These flicks happen every so often but when they do; have the Anal-Ease ready.  It doesn’t matter if she’s an anal virgin; she got to give up the sphincter.  Seriously, the promise of anal intercourse is the only way a man can sit through the movie Beaches without blowing his brains out with a shotgun.  (Which probably also explains that movie’s tremendous following among the gay community.)

Which brings us to Sex and the City; the feature length theatrical retread of the hit HBO show in which Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon and uh… that other chick, run around New York City with shopping bags in their hands and act like lobotomized oversexed cocktail hostesses.  Bringing a TV show to the big screen can be tricky business, but if we’ve learned anything from Star Trek, Mystery Science Theater and Serenity, we know it can be done and done properly.  Unfortunately, movies based on TV shows that feature four numb cunts jibber jabbering for two and a half hours non-stop don’t always fare as well as movies based on TV shows featuring space ships.

That’s right, you heard me:  TWO AND A HALF HOURS!  This is the Return of the King of Chick Flicks, people.  When you think it’s over, it isn’t.  When it SHOULD be over, it isn’t.  It just goes on and on and on. 

And of that two and a half hour running time, only 45 seconds of it is devoted to actual sex!  I’m not kidding.  We’re talking 45 seconds of “Sex” and two hours, twenty nine minutes and fifteen seconds of “City”.

Speaking of sex, there are only FIVE titties in the whole movie, and only two of whom belong to Cynthia Nixon.  That’s right; they paid those four cunts millions of dollars and only ONE of them shows off their goodies.  RIP OFF!  Not to mention that the flick tosses in every single Chick Flick cliché in the book.  There’s a wedding, a birth, a divorce, and a break-up.  Oh yeah, and all men are portrayed either as assholes or they’re gay. 

The cast is all thoroughly annoying.  While Sarah Jessica Parker looks like an emaciated Barbra Streisand, co-stars Jennifer (Dreamgirls) Hudson and Candice (Murphy Brown) Bergen look like they were paid in coupons for the Sizzler buffet.  

All I got to say is ladies; make your men feel good after the film.  (Don’t worry though; you’ll probably end up having less sex tonight than what was in this movie, so it’s all good.)  Anyway it could be worse.  At least you girls won’t go home walking funny tonight. 

(Special Note:  To pay tribute to Speed Racer, I’ve written this review to the tune to the Speed Racer theme song.)

Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer

He’s got a new movie.

He’s got a movie and it’s actually quite groovy. 

The casting is perfect and that comes as some surprise

Especially Christina Ricci and her Anime Eyes. 

And Matthew Fox is pretty awesome as Racer X.

Don’t forget John Goodman and Susan Sarandon are in there too.

Emile Hirsch plays Speed and though I didn’t really care for him

Spritle cracked me up and so did Chim Chim

So who really gives a flip?

Go (see) Speed Racer!  Go (see) Speed Racer!  Go (see) Speed Racer, Go!

The story is so-so but you won’t believe the effects.

But what did you expect from the guys who did The Matrix?

Any time Speed talks to his family, it’s pretty banal.

But that damned monkey was pretty cute.

Whenever Speed’s on the track, things are really great

And I’d probably give it four stars if I was eight

But for now it’ll have to settle for three!

Go (see) Speed Racer!  Go (see) Speed Racer!  Go (see) Speed Racer, Go!

Martin Short stars in this big screen comedy as his small screen alter ego, Jiminy Glick, a small time celebrity interviewer whose sheer incompetence usually results in some pretty big laughs.  In the film, Glick is sent to the Toronto Film Festival to interview movie stars and inadvertently gets embroiled in a murder mystery by none other than David Lynch (also Short).

The film is frequently funny thanks to tons of celebrity cameos (most of who have worked with Short in the past) who take Glick’s backhanded compliments with genuine aplomb.  Whether Glick is talking porno with Steve Martin (“Something Liquid This Way Comes”) or confusing Whoopi Goldberg for Oprah, the celebrity portions of the film will have you in stitches. 

The other half of the flick plays like a spoof of David Lynch movies and the director Jean Vadim, captures the mood of Lynch’s work (namely Lost Highway and Mulholland Drive) nicely.  While Short is funny in the fat suit as Glick, he’s simply awesome as Lynch and his impersonation is eerily dead on. 

Will most people enjoy this movie?  Hard to say.  The audience for this flick is a very narrow slice of the movie going pie.  You’d have to be a fan of Short’s show (which had been canceled by the time this had reached theaters), enjoy Hollywood in-jokes, and like David Lynch movies to fully appreciate the film.  Since I fall into all three of those categories, I’m happy to say I dug the flick.  Others will find the movie particularly baffling, but they may get a kick out of the sheer amount of celebrity cameos (Kiefer Sutherland, Sharon Stone, Forest Whitaker, Kevin Kline, etc.). 

Audience litmus test:  Glick has twin boys named Matthew and Modine.  Did you laugh at that sentence?  If so, you’ll enjoy the flick.  If not, by all means keep clear of this movie.

Steven Spielberg produced and co-directed this entertaining updating of Rod Serling’s immortal television classic.  Although his segment is decidedly the weakest of the lot, we should be thankful to the ‘Berg for getting such a great bunch of directors together for this minor classic.  I’m a sucker for anthology movies anyway, so it doesn’t really matter to me that this thing is uneven as all get out.  What matters is that I grew up watching this flick and despite it’s major flaws (again, Spielberg’s sappy ass segment); watching it now as an adult, it’s still a lot of fun. 

The Prologue (****) stars Dan Aykroyd and Albert Brooks driving in a car along a deserted stretch of road in the middle of the night.  Bored, they start to play road games to pass the time.  First they try to scare each other; then they hum themes to TV shows and try to guess them.  This inevitably leads to a discussion of The Twilight Zone and how scary it was.  Aykroyd then decides to show Brooks something “REALLY scary” and turns into a blue faced zombie that howls like a jaguar in heat. 

This segment written and directed by John (An American Werewolf in London) Landis is a great way to start things off.  He keeps the audience off balance and effectively sets the mood for what’s to come.  (Landis also makes great use of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Midnight Special”.)  Aykroyd and Brooks have great chemistry together and it’s a shame they never starred in anything else together as this scene is easily the most memorable thing in the entire movie (if not one of the best opening scenes of any movie ever).  Too bad things get pretty spotty after Aykroyd turns into a monster.  Watch this segment with the lights out for maximum effect. 

Landis also directed the first installment, Time Out (***) starring Vic Morrow as a racist who walks into a bar and insults every minority known to man.  When he steps out of the pub, he finds himself in WWII Germany and all the Nazis think he’s a Jew so they round him up and try to haul him off to the concentration camp.  He then winds up in the south where a bunch of KKK members (led by John Larroquette of all people) thinks he’s black and try to hang him.  Next, Morrow ends up in Vietnam where a platoon of soldiers mistakes him for VC and tries to blow him away. 

There’s an undeniable pall that hangs over this entire story.  Everyone knows that Vic Morrow and two little kids died in a helicopter crash while filming this.  Morrow’s death (and the subsequent legal fallout) forced Landis to end the segment abruptly, which makes things even more depressing.  Still the story is quite captivating and even though it’s as predictable as a junkie hooker, it has an overall good “message” to it.  Landis films things in his usual matter of fact manner that is well suited to the subject matter (he even tosses out a sly reference to Animal House in there for good measure).  But it’s Morrow’s performance that is the centerpiece of the story.  Throughout the character’s journey, you actually begin to sympathize with him.  I’m not quite sure if that’s because of his acting ability, or the fact that you know the dude ended up taking a helicopter to the face while filming this flick, but you certainly can’t help but feel sorry for the guy. 

Next comes Kick the Can (**) and it’s easily one of the worst cinematic atrocities director Spielberg has ever committed.   (It’s worse than Hook, if that gives you any indication.)  It’s all about a happy old man (Scatman Crothers) who comes to a retirement home where he teaches the residents to become youthful by playing a simple game of Kick the Can.  But his can possesses magical powers and turns the old farts into annoying youngsters and Crothers offers them all a second chance at their youth.  If you couldn’t guess what happens next, the old timers eventually decide to stay ancient while still retaining “fresh young minds”. 

Kick the Can?  You’ll be hoping these old fuckers Kick the Bucket.  I’ll admit the set-up of the story works and Spielberg really knows how to pull you in, but once the old fogeys turn into little brats, all bets are off.  Spielberg has always been able to balance whimsy with syrupy melodramatics, but here, he completely goes overboard with the sappiness as the story is schmaltzy enough to put you into a goddamned diabetic coma. 

It’s a Good Life (****), the third story was helmed by Joe (Piranha) Dante, and features Kathleen Quinlan as a schoolteacher who gives a young boy a ride home where she meets his very peculiar “family” who all live in constant fear of him.  She soon learns that the tyke has bizarre powers that include (but are not limited to) wishing people into cartoons, personifying the Tasmanian Devil and making it come out of the television, and removing the mouth of his sister.  Quinlan finally realizes that all the boy needed was a little TLC and agrees to mother him and help him hone his powers. 

Dante really lets loose on this segment and shows a lot of visual pizzazz, especially during the scenes involving the crazed animated characters coming to life.  The scene where the kid’s sister (Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson) gets sucked into the cartoon and is murdered is kinda freaky (“That’s all, Ethel!”) and the reveal of the mouthless sister (The Runaways’ lead singer Cherie Currie) gave me freaking nightmares as a kid.  This story is also anchored by great performances by a host of Dante regulars such as Dick Miller, Kevin McCarthy and William Schallert who all shine in their supporting roles.  Look also for a cameo by Billy Mumy, who played the kid role on the original show. 

But they saved the best for last on Nightmare at 20,000 Feet (****).  Directed by George (The Road Warrior) Miller, this episode does not stop for a second and will particularly freak out people who hate to fly.  John Lithgow stars as a paranoid airplane passenger who sees a slimy green faced man on the wing of the plane.  He tries to warn everyone that the monster is trying to sabotage the plane, but of course, no one believes him.  He decides to take matters into his own hands, which brings him face to face with the booger faced beast. 

This one is a doozy.  From the breakneck pacing and lightning fast editing (this sucker is almost as intense as Road Warrior was and that’s saying a lot), Miller really ratchets up the suspense and keeps you as jumpy as Lithgow is; which is quite a feat.  Speaking of Lithgow, his performance is easily the best work he’s ever done and his pill-popping, wide-eyed manic behavior is something to behold.  (Look fast for the split second Mad Max reference when Lithgow’s eyes bulge out cartoonishly just like Toecutter’s.)  The ending also benefits from another appearance by Aykroyd, which really ties everything together. 

Despite the depressing aspect of the Landis lensed segment and the woefully whimsical Spielberg story, Twilight Zone:  The Movie still remains one of the best anthologies of the 80’s.  What makes the movie work is an obvious respect for the material (three of the four stories are remakes of episodes from the original series) along with a handful of stellar performances that really sell the more fantastic elements of the film.  One could only imagine if Spielberg had delivered as Dante and Miller did what the film COULD have been.  It’s obvious that they both were very hungry and had something to prove and the ‘Berg could’ve really taken a page out of their books.  The narration by Burgess Meredith (a vet of the old series) is fine, but it can’t hold a candle to Serling’s sardonic introductions.  At least the old theme music is enough to still give you goose bumps.   

Though not the blockbuster hit Spielberg might have been anticipating (probably from all the negative publicity stemming from the Morrow incident), Twilight Zone:  The Movie was popular enough to spawn a new weekly series.  Spielberg later created the similarly themed Amazing Stories series for television.

(Special Note:  Warner Bros. REMOVED the old opening studio logo and replaced it with the newer flashier one for the DVD release.  Not a big deal in the scheme of things, but it kinda ruined the nostalgia of watching the opening scene for me as I love that old school pudgy looking Warners logo.) 

If The Avengers was cheese, it would be limburger.  If The Avengers was a disease it would be Ebola.  If The Avengers was a country it would be France.  Unmistakably one of the worst big budget major studio releases in recent memory.  Unmistakably one of the worst movies to be derived from a TV show.  Unmistakably one of the worst movies ever.  

The plot concerns a madman (Sean Connery in a definite career low) who controls the weather using a computer (just like in Superman 3!) to try to conquer the world.  Mrs. Emma Peel (Uma Thurman) and John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) are brought in to stop his reign (rain?) of terror.  There’s also an evil Emma Peel look alike assassin, but she’s only onscreen for about 38 seconds then disappears.  

Everything about this movie stinks.  Fiennes has only one facial expression throughout the movie and is a total bore as a hero.  Connery is embarrassing and Thurman is only in tight leather for one scene, which is really disappointing.  The Avengers is as flat and boring as balsa wood.  The only good part comes at the end when Connery’s henchman played by Eddie (Mystery Men) Izzard gets killed.  He’s totally silent through the movie until he’s about to die, to which he says:  “Oh fuck.”  

Did Warners even see this before they released it?  Whole scenes come and go with no consequence or purpose (like Connery trying to hypnotize Uma so he can screw her) and the whole movie is filled with special F/X that are third rate (Bees, blizzards, bubbles, etc.).  Stick with the original show.  Speaking of which, Patrick Macnee, who played John Steed on the original show has a vocal cameo.  From the director of Christmas Vacation, Jeremiah Checkik.

This mediocre sequel is better than the first, but it still ain’t all that great.  Joan Cusack plays a scheming nanny out to steal Uncle Fester’s (Christopher Lloyd) money.  Wednesday (Christina Ricci) and Pugsley (Jimmy Workman) are sent to summer camp and have the best scenes (again).  Their Thanksgiving play is just as funny as their Hamlet play in the first movie.  The film has some funny gags but is hampered by a lame plot and idiotic ending.  Angelica Huston and Raul Julia return as Morticia and Gomez, and Christine Baranski and Peter MacNichol are funny as the camp counselors.

While this comedy looks great (director Barry Sonnenfeld used to be a cinematographer), it’s just plain unfunny and trashes the memory of the original show.  Raul Julia and Angelica Huston overact as Gomez and Morticia.  Christopher Lloyd is a fake Uncle Fester who is trying to steal the Addams Family fortune.  Christina Ricci is the only bright (dark?) spot of the movie.  Her portrayal of Wednesday is perfect.  Her blood soaked rendition of Hamlet is hilarious and is the only funny bit in the movie, and makes you think how good this COULD have been.  This was a big hit so naturally; we got a glut of movies based on “classic” TV shows.