A stupid college co-ed wins a dubious contest that pays for an all expense paid weekend to a quaint old fashioned inn that’s ran by two old farts. The chick develops a crush on the proprietors' slow witted grandson and doesn’t really notice when the other guests start disappearing. Turns out that the old fogies are actually cannibals and they’re planning to put the dumb broad on the menu.
Terror at Red Wolf Inn was better than I expected but it really wasn’t “good” per se. Everything that happened was fairly predictable, right down to the scene where the heroine escapes the house only to run straight into the arms of her captors. (Just like in Texas Chainsaw Massacre; which was released two years later.) I can let that slide. I can also forget about the fact that the main character was dumber than a bag of hammers. I was even able to deal with the murky cinematography too.
Let me tell you why I can easily forgive this movie for its various shortcomings: THE SCENE. There is a scene in Terror at Red Wolf Inn that had me in stitches. Seriously, I don’t think I laughed this hard at a scene since Boat Trip.
This scene involves the dim bulb hunk of a grandson trying to impress the bimbo leading lady on the beach. First, he starts by idly playing in the sand and she joins him. They stare at each other longingly for a minute or so before he awkwardly (and I do mean AWKWARDLY) learns in for a kiss. That’s not the best part. You see, right before he’s about to kiss her, his fishing rod hooks something and their lovebird shit comes to a screeching halt. He reels the line in and is horrified to find a baby shark on the hook. He screams, “SHHHHAAAARRRKK!” and picks the thing up by its tail and smashes it against a rock about 13 times. After it’s good and dead, the guy REPEATEDLY PUNCHES THE SHARK IN THE FACE. It’s here where he turns to the chick and solemnly says, “I love you” before storming off. The bewildered chick then proceeds to BURY THE SHARK on the beach while crying.
And here’s the kicker, folks: After all that, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. Incredible.
I cannot begin to describe to you my brain’s reaction to seeing this scene unfold before my eyes. You can’t imagine how my sides pained me while I was laughing at this scene. All I kept thinking throughout this scene was: WHAT THE FUCK WERE THESE PEOPLE SMOKING WHEN THEY CAME UP WITH THIS SCENE AND WHERE CAN I GET SOME?
I have seen people act in a fit of rage before but John Neilson, the guy who played the whack job shark catcher takes the cake. There’s Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. There’s Peter Finch in Network. And then there’s this guy.
If I were to compile the 50 greatest scenes of all time, this scene would definitely be up there with the horse head scene from The Godfather and the three minute tracking shot from Goodfellas.
The rest of Terror at Red Wolf Inn is just so-so. Staying at a Red Roof Inn would probably be just as terrifying. But because this movie contains THE SCENE, it deserves every single one of its Three Stars.
AKA: Terror House. AKA: Terror at the
<Special Note> I don’t know why the heck Frontier(s) has that little (s) on the end of the title but since it was pretty cool flick, I won’t press the issue.
Frontier(s) is basically a French version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A quartet of people run(s) afoul of a demented cannibal family who intend to eat them for dinner. As with Chainsaw, there is a disgusting family dinner table scene (except instead of a Grandpa, there’s a Grandma), a scene where someone is hung up on a meathook (except the victim is hung upside down with the hook through his ankle), a Final Girl who escape(s) the house only to be picked up hitchhiking by another member of “the family”, and a similar scene where said Final Girl finally leaves the house at the end of the movie covered in blood and screaming at the top of her lung(s). What makes Frontier(s) different from Chainsaw is that the family is a bunch of degenerate Nazi(s) that live in
Frontier(s) ain’t no Chainsaw however. Director Xavier (Hitman) Gen(s) set(s) up the flick in a weird alternate reality where the French government is collapsing and the country is engulfed in riot(s). This shit take(s) up about 20 minute(s) of screen time that doesn’t add anything to the overall film. The only thing that this shit does is add to the film’s already whopping 109 minute running time.
Luckily, Gen(s) deliver(s) the gory good(s). Despite its pokey paced set-up, Frontier(s) is positively dripping with over-the-top death sequence(s). There’s trach ring spewing, bolt cutters to the Achille(s), a guy getting steamed alive like a crab, and a gnarly exploding head too. If Gen(s) didn’t take so damn long in between the gore set piece(s), Frontier(s) might have been a classic. As it is, Frontier(s) is still the Best French Horror Movie Featuring Gratuitous Violence Against a Pregnant Woman I’ve seen since Inside.
The best line of the flick comes after a guy get(s) shot and his buddy says, “He look(s) like a tampon!”
An English photographer (Ivan Rassimov) goes to
Rassimov then makes goo-goo eyes at the chief’s hot daughter (played by the appropriately named Me Me Lay) long enough for him to consent to their marriage and after the ceremony they run around the jungle having a bunch of sex. As a result of some much damn sex with her new horndog hubby, Me Me becomes pregnant. Then a neighboring cannibal tribe starts chowing down on some of the native girls, so Rassimov has to dispense some jungle justice and cut some tongues out. After busting a few heads, Ivan returns to his wife who bears him a tot (“My little black savage!”), then dies in childbirth. In the end, a helicopter flies overhead but Ivan chooses to stay with the natives to raise his son and help rebuild the village.
The Man from
Even though the flick does get bogged down every once and awhile, it still features enough gory goodness to make it worth a look for cannibal fans. Tongues are cut out, monkey brains are eaten, and there is an excellent scene where the cannibals munch on a girl’s boob. Speaking of the female anatomy, the amount of naked women on display in this movie is considerable. Me Me Lay hardly ever wore a stitch of clothes and the scene where a bunch of native girls laid around sunbathing in the nude was A-OK by me. There were also some nasty real life animal mutilations in there too, for folks who are into that sort of thing. We got a mongoose vs. snake scene, a cockfight, crocodiles being gutted and goats getting their throats slit. In short, The Man from
Rassimov and Lay later starred in Jungle Holocaust together.
AKA:
An inbred cannibal living underground in
Raw Meat had the potential to be an entertaining horror flick, but you can tell that director
Donald Pleasence is the only memorable thing about this turd. His off kilter performance as the Inspector on the case who goes bonkers whenever he doesn’t get a cup of tea is pretty funny, even though it obviously belongs in another movie. Christopher Lee sticks around long enough to cash a check and is very good in his one and only scene with Pleasence.
There are a handful of impressive special effects of half-eaten corpses and some adequate moments of gore (an axe to the skull, impaling, rat eating, etc.), although not nearly as many as there should’ve been. One could only imagine what kind of movie
AKA: Death Line.
Two bimbos wander around
Island Fury is a wretched excuse for cinema. It feels like two unfinished movies clumsily edited together in order to get a feature length film. The (newer looking) framing scenes of the two girls getting kidnapped play a lot better than the rest of the flick, but that’s not saying much. The middle section is thoroughly boring and takes forever to finally get going. The flick also fails to offer up even the basest thrills. The T & A is scant and most of the kills happen off screen. (Although the meat cleaver to the face wasn’t too shabby.)
The budget on this sucker was pathetic. I normally don’t care if a movie cost a hundred dollars or a hundred million, but this was one cheap fucking movie. The low point comes when the island shattering “earthquake” is simulated by shaking the camera around a whole bunch. The acting was also insufferable and the old timer who played the main looney tune seemed like he was being fed all of his lines from off camera.
Director Henri Charr quickly put this shit burger behind him and went on to direct the classic women in prison flicks, Cellblock Sisters: Banished Behind Bars and Under Lock and Key.
AKA: Please Don’t Eat the Babies.
(Special Note: A lot of times when I prepare my reviews, I make a few quick notes while watching the film and afterwards I’ll glance over the notes and work them into the review. But just looking at these notes I took while watching Cannibals, well… they speak for themselves. Without any further ado I present to you my thoughts on Cannibals in its rawest, purest form. Enjoy.)
Jess Franco directed this movie. 9 times out of 10 he directs shit but sometimes that 1 movie turns out to be something like Sadomania or Faceless.
Are you serious with this dubbing? The boat captain sounds like Forrest Gump after drinking a case of Schlitz.
So the cannibals swim across the ocean and climb aboard the boat and they don’t even get wet!?! (Well I guess if Michael Caine can do it in Jaws the Revenge, these bozos can too.)
How come all of the cannibals’ make-up makes it look like they just joined the KISS Army?
Why do all the cannibals have 70’s sideburns?
Excellent slow motion gut ripping/intestine gnawing scene.
Not so excellent arm amputation scene.
How come all the cannibals speak a bunch of gibberish but can enunciate “White Goddess” perfectly?
Are you serious with this dubbing? That nurse sounds like Scarlett O’Hara on helium.
This movie is kinda like an inverse Fugitive but instead of a doctor looking for the one-armed man who killed his wife; it’s a one-armed doctor looking for the cannibals who killed his wife.
The Cannibal Chief looks like Keith Richards… on a good day.
The cannibals’ body paint makes it look like their nipples have eyebrows!
That White Goddess chick grew up to be one fine ass broad. Hey wait, how did she get those fake eyelashes out in the middle of the jungle?
Whoa, Jess Franco is in this movie too? Is it just me or does he look and sound exactly like Droopy?
The country the cannibal tribe lives in sounds like it’s called “My Lobby”. This dude keeps asking “Where’s My Lobby?” I’m to the point of telling him, “Just get in the elevator and press ‘G’!”
Every time this flick gets slow, out comes that White Goddess chick wearing nothing but a loin cloth. Respect.
Where did they get that skeleton, K-Mart?
How many scenes of people wandering around endless through a jungle can one movie take?
Finally, another slow motion cannibal chow down scene. Now that is what I call eating a woman out!
You ever notice in all these cannibal movies how the cannibals always CHEW on the guts but never SWALLOW them? Why is that?
Well, Cannibals is certainly far from the worst Franco movie I’ve ever seen; not a ringing endorsement to be sure. Still, it’s got plenty of titties and enough slow motion cannibal smorgasbord scenes to make any Franco and/or cannibal movie fan want to spend 90 minutes of their Friday evening on.
AKA: Barbarian Goddess. AKA: White Cannibal Queen. AKA: Mondo Cannibal.
A quartet of weenies kidnaps a little girl and head into the godforsaken jungle. When their Jeep breaks down in the middle of the rainforest, they have to hoof it across cannibal country. The natives don’t take kindly to slow-witted kidnappers from the
Cannibal Terror is a no-frills, low budget French-Italian co-production recommended only for die-hard gorehounds and cannibal movie completists. The pacing of this movie is infuriating. Nothing happens for the longest time until about 25 minutes in to the picture when we get our first cannibal chow-down. Then we get more pointless scenes of people gallivanting around the jungle. A pretty sweet scene of some voluptuous chick bathing herself spices up the monotony, but then it’s right back to a good hour’s worth of badly dubbed Italian idiots trying to hit their marks. Just when you think your patience has run dry with this movie, there’s another excellent evisceration scene complete with gratuitous gut gobbling.
Director Alain Deruelle doesn’t really have a “style” per se; he just puts the camera down and lets it run until the actors have finished their dialogue. Fortunately for the audience, he sure as shit knows how to film a gut-ripping cannibal cookout scene. I especially admired how he instructed his cannibal extras to pull out every organ SLOWLY and wave it in front of the camera before chomping down on it. These scenes should also be noteworthy for anyone who has an anatomy test coming up and needs some impromptu Cliff’s Notes.
Bottom Line: When it comes to guts being munched, there ain’t a bad scene in the bunch, but the scenes involving dialogue will have you sleeping like a log.
Spanish horror legend Paul Naschy stars in this Spanish-Japanese co-production as a professional thief hired by the yakuza to steal a cache of diamonds. He rips off the big boss man and intends to run off with his sister, but after Naschy fills him with lead, his sister goes out for revenge. When Naschy is severely wounded in the woods during the ensuing gun battle, he hobbles his way to a cabin where he is taken in by a family of pig farmers. While he convalesces, their nympho daughter gets naked and writhes around on top of him.
If you think that’s weird, you haven’t heard the half of it. Pops gets his jollies by whipping the black maid (its okay, she LIKES it, folks), rocking chairs start rocking all by themselves when the clock strikes midnight, and someone starts murdering people with a hook and feeding what’s left of them to the pigs. To top it all off, Naschy starts having really bizarre slow motion dreams that further confuses things. In the end, Naschy learns that the family is a bunch of ravenous cannibals.
And guess who is on the menu.
A lot of this flick just plain doesn’t work. The constant flashbacks and dream sequences are pretty worthless and merely add to the film’s running time (it’s only 90 minutes but it still feels about 15 minutes too long). Also, as fucked up as the second half of the film is, the set-up is far more intriguing. Although the first half of the film is tense and involving, once Naschy gets to the cottage things get increasingly disjointed. The “twist” ending is slight and obvious and will probably leave a bad taste in your mouth. (Pun intended.)
That’s not to say that the film is a complete washout. There’s a bounty of female flesh on display and the film is just plain weird enough to keep you more than halfway interested. We also get a good scene where Naschy blows up a woman with a grenade, but my favorite part of the film was when Naschy’s tender love scene was intercut with the bloodthirsty pigs chowing down on a helpless doctor.
This was a change of pace for Naschy after several Wolf Man movies. Granted, I would have much rather seen Naschy in a full fledged hard-boiled yakuza flick than a mediocre horror movie that only PRETENDS to be a hard-boiled yakuza flick, but he’s pretty good at playing a ruthless killer and is fairly decent in the more romantic scenes he shares with his Japanese love interest.
Speaking of the Japanese, since the Japanese helped to make this movie, they insisted on throwing in the gratuitous bad model boat for no good reason whatsoever.
AKA: The Beasts’ Carnival.
Jaa is part of a group of mercenaries who go into the jungle to assassinate a drug dealer. On their journey they run afoul of some pint sized pigmy headhunters (called "The Black Goblins") as well as a couple of kung fu zombie bodyguards.
You'd think a movie that featured Tony Jaa, pigmy cannibals and kung fu zombies would be a recipe for some high octane thrills, but all we get are a lot of low budget shenanigans. What precious little kung fu there is manages to be passable, but too much of the movie is taken up by the mercenary jackasses wandering aimlessly through the jungle.
Add that to the fact that this movie features THE WORST dubbing I have ever heard in a motion picture since the history of time. Now I have seen lots and lots and lots of badly dubbed kung fu flicks in my day to be historian enough to tell you that this flick is the king when it comes to atrociously dubbed dialogue. I mean these guys are supposed to be MERCENARIES and they all sound like stuttering effeminate fashion designers. Only one dude sounds appropriately "macho", but the weenie saying the dialogue is just doing a pale Arnold impersonation.
Now in the appropriate time and place, bad dubbing can be a lot of fun, but folks let me tell you this shit is SO bad that all it will do is play Hell with your ear drums for 90 minutes. There's a veritable smorgasbord of idiotic dialogue, my favorites being: "My name is Top... it means... apex!", "Don't worry, I have a powerful talisman!", "We can't hurt him, he's immortal!", and "Are you insane? My men aren't queers!"
AKA: Mission Hunter 2.
Cameron (The Toolbox Murders) Mitchell, Camille (I Spit on Your Grave) Keaton, and Vic (Superbeast) Diaz star in this film about a cruise ship full of karate experts who go to the mysterious Warrior’s Island for a secret martial arts tournament. There they run afoul of some white slavers, led by a guy who looks like a cross between Adolph Hitler and Colonel Sanders, who sell girls to a group of cannibal monks who barbeque bimbos and eat them to gain the power necessary to raise an army of kung fu zombies. Oh yeah and lots of girls (including a young Jewel Shepard) get totally naked for various unimportant reasons.
Look, either you’re the kind of person whose ears perk up at the sound of the words “Cameron Mitchell”, “white slavers”, “cannibal monks”, “lots of girls totally naked”, or “kung fu zombies”, or you’re not. Said people who know and appreciate these phrases will instantly want to track this one down. Anyone who says “Cameron who?”, “cannibal huh?”, or “kung fu what?” need not apply.
Yeah, yeah I know Raw Force is far from perfect. It’s got way too much slow motion, some scenes are too dark and you can’t tell what the hell’s going on, and it suffers greatly from it’s $7.36 budget, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t the greatest kung fu zombie/cannibal monk movie Cameron Mitchell ever made.
AKA: Kung Fu Cannibals. AKA: Shogun Island.
The plot has a playboy author (William Joyce) going to the mysterious “Voodoo Island” to research a book about zombies. There he and his agent (along with his amazingly annoying wife) run afoul of a mad scientist whose cure for cancer turns patients into mindless, bug eyed zombies. Meanwhile a cannibal tribe wants to use the scientist’s hot daughter for their upcoming virgin sacrifice, but Joyce puts the kibosh on their plans by promptly bedding her.
It’s definitely no I Drink Your Blood (or Horror of Party Beach for that matter), but if you have to watch it, make sure you put in I Drink Your Blood first to recreate the drive-in double bill experience. And just so you know, nobody eats anybody’s skin in this movie.
AKA: Voodoo Blood Bath. AKA: Zombies
Well, I’m happy to report that not only is this flick actually better than the 2006 remake, it happens to be one of the best gore films in recent memory. (And there isn’t a brain dead teenager driving a supped up dirt bike in sight either.)
Those looking for interesting characters and head spinning plot twists can go take a hike. Those seeking severed limbs, shattered craniums, mutant rape, indescribable shit torture, and rampant blood letting will eat it up.
The plot has a bunch of wet behind the ears National Guardsmen dropping off some supplies to a military unit stationed in the titular Hills. They find that the base is deserted and soon become targets of the cannibalistic mutants that inhabit the desert. The mutants kill off the men one by one, but keep the women alive for “breeding purposes”.
Now anyone who is familiar with my reviews will know that I’m a sucker for any movie in which some mutant/demon/monster/maniac has an aggressive desire to mate, so I may be a little biased here when I say that this is the best mutant cannibal rape movie of all time.
This flick has it all. There’s a tight birthing scene right at the get-go that makes the one in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning look tame. We also get a particularly icky scene in which a mutant tries to get fresh with a girl by sticking his lizard like tongue down her throat, but is interrupted by the Daddy Mutant who scares him off and precedes to get himself a piece. (At least the long tongued joker HEARD of foreplay.) There’s also a stellar scene in which a mutant gets his head bashed in with a rock as well.
I also loved how there is ZERO plot and ZERO characterization in this flick too. Well, that’s not entirely true, I mean the characters nick names clue you into how they act. There’s “Mickey Mouse; so called because he’s All-American, “Napoleon”; as in Dynamite, due to the fact that he’s tall and goofy; and “Crank”, because well, he’s cranky. Since there are NO likable characters in this one, it’s not WHO dies, it’s HOW they die, and believe me brother; we have some beauties this time out.
Speaking of the National Guard, I’m pretty sure they won’t want you to watch this movie, as the National Guardsmen in this movie are THE worst bunch of soldiers to ever grace the silver screen. Not one, but TWO soldiers inadvertently kill another soldier and a third accidentally blows himself up with dynamite.
And you wonder why we’re losing the war in Iraq.
Wes Craven, who wrote and directed the original Hills movies, also wrote this sucker. He’s to be commended, especially for saying “Look, at the end of our movie we could simply shoot the main murdering mutant rapist in the head and be done with it, but how about if we shoot him in the head… but that won’t kill him, then we get the Final Girl to pluck out his brains like grapefruit… but that won’t kill him, then we ram a pole through his stomach… but that still doesn’t kill him, so we cut off his arm with a machete… but that doesn’t kill him, so we hit him in the nuts… WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER…TWICE… but that doesn’t kill him, so we stab him with a bayonet through the mouth… and that kills him.”
Analia Ivers stars as Liana. As a girl, her parents were murdered by topless Amazon women after her father stole some gold from their hidden temple. She’s forced to survive all alone in the jungle and grows up to become a topless jungle girl who rides on elephants and talks to giraffes. Liana sets out for revenge and along the way she befriends a fat bald cannibal and some random explorers, swings on a vine like Tarzan, and of course parades around topless.
She encounters the tribe of Amazons (who are lead by a man, go figure) and they test her to see if she’s got what it takes to become the next great Amazon warrior. So what they do is have her go womano y womano against the Amazon king’s one eyed right hand woman, Rena (Eva Leon) and Liana wins. Her prize is to be raped by the Amazon King in efforts to propagate the species! After doing the jungle nasty, she murders him in his sleep and escapes. When Rena finds out the kind is dead she proclaims “I’m in charge now, I say we have fun!”, and begins to torture Liana’s traveling companions. Liana predictably escapes and saves the day and gives the Amazon women a “You go girl!” type speech.
All of this sounds a lot better than it actually is, but if you want to see a lot of scantily clad jungle bitches then you’ll want to check it out. Ivers is kind of a non-presence in this film (she resembles a slightly less talented Lea Thompson), but Leon is fun as the eyepatched henchwoman (think a bargain bin version of Dyanne Thorne). While the film moves at a snail’s pace, it IS filled with lots of topless women.
Oh yeah did I mention there’s a bunch of topless women in it?
AKA: Amazons in the Temple of Gold.
A plane crashes in the jungle carrying a young girl and her father. They survive the crash and he becomes the new leader of the tribe (they think he’s a god who came from the sky) and she grows up to be the insanely sexy but criminally underage Diana (Katja Biernert), who is kinda like a Lolita version of Tarzan. Meanwhile back in civilization Diana’s bedridden mother gets a team of explorers together to find her husband and daughter. When they arrive in the jungle, Diana looks on in horror as the explorers invade her territory and shoot gators. She also watches them voyeuristically when they’re screwing and pretty soon her hormones start to kick in. The search party’s behavior riles up the cannibals (they wear cool looking skull masks) in the tribe and brings out their headhunting tendencies and Diana fights to spare the explorers lives so she can get some more nooky. In the end a topless black native gives a pretty convincing anti-white speech.
Biernert is pretty captivating as Diana and parades around topless for most the movie. The rest of the cast is rather dull, except for the women who shamelessly show their breasts. They’re okay. The scenes of the explorers are totally unnecessary (except for the scenes of them banging chicks) and seriously interrupt the flow of watching Diana frolicking au natural. The badly dubbed and/or translated dialogue is also good for a laugh (Someone refers to a stand up comic as a “stand in” comic.) and some of the stock footage featured in the movie actually comes from none other than Mondo Cane! Also some of the natives refer to Diana as Liana, which is interesting because if that is her real name then that makes this a sort of unofficial prequel to Golden Temple Amazons, which was co-directed by; you guessed it: Jess Franco.
Oh yeah there’s no diamonds and no one goes to Kilimandjaro. Just letting you know.
AKA: Treasure of the White Goddess.
Elvire Audray stars as Catherine, a barely legal virgin who goes with her family on vacation to the jungle. Her parents get blow darted to death (momma gets one in the eyeball and one in the titty) and get their heads lopped off for souvenirs while Catherine gets drugged by the natives and taken to their village, which is conveniently located smack dab in the middle of a bunch of stock footage. They strip her down and wash her up (“I felt ashamed as they touched my naked body everywhere!”) and auction her off to a tribe member who rapes her with a bamboo dildo. She fits right in with the native’s other 18 wives and eeks out a living doing laundry for the tribe. Since she can’t stand looking at her parents rotting heads hanging around she buries them out in the jungle. While held prisoner she fixes a cannibal’s broken leg and watches an alligator attack. A lovesick cannibal falls in love with the pale skinned bimbo and helps her escape into the jungle where she’s forced to become a cannibal to survive until finally making her way back to civilization.
The film is told in flashback during Catherine’s murder trial to give it that authentic “true story” feeling, but you can obviously tell that it’s all phony baloney from the get go. The newsreel footage of the “real” Catherine Mills is equally bogus, but if you’re the kind of dipshit viewer that though Blair Witch was real, you might like it. Director Mario (The Eerie Midnight Horror Show) Gariazzo gives us a few juicy beheadings and some Wild Kingdom style stock footage showing leopards eating deer and monkeys, but for most cannibal movie fans it will be been-there-done-that.
The flat chested Audray isn’t much of an actress (her single facial expression evokes more of “Who farted?” than “Oh my God I’ve been kidnapped by cannibals who ate my parents!”) but is naked enough to please fans of women with itty bitty titties. It was released in some areas as Cannibal Holocaust 2, as was another similar movie called The Green Inferno, ironically enough also written by Prosperi.
AKA: Cannibal Holocaust 2. AKA: Captive Women 7: White Slave. AKA: White Slave.
AKA: Mountain of the Cannibal God. AKA: Prisoner of the Cannibal God.
In the action packed opening, Jelita, a “mysterious jungle woman” protects the natives of her Indonesian jungle home by swinging on vines and yelling like Tarzan and battling alligators. When the tribe tries to accept her, the “Holy Man” objects and shoots lightning through one of the native bimbos. Then all hell breaks loose. There’s a big fight and several people get kung fued (that’s right, this primitive jungle tribe can throw down like Bruce Lee) and lots of people get run through with arrows and spears. The tribesmen try to kill Jelita, and when the Queen objects, she’s thrown off a cliff.
Meanwhile back in “civilization”, a professor planning an exploration into the same jungle repeatedly tells his team not to tell anyone about their trip. Of course somebody talks, and some fortune hunters get wind of it and shoot the professor and try to kung fu their hands on their map. The would-be explorers get the drop on them and escape, but the fortune hunters catch up to them and drive a car through their house! There’s more kung fu followed by another car chase and a very satisfactory car explosion. The explorers hop the next plane and head into the jungle, where the Holy Man has now proclaimed himself king and rewards his best fighter by magically making horns grow out of the dude’s head!
I am not making this up.
The expedition continues into the jungle with the help of a big game hunter named Bunyon, while the fortune hunters and the Holy Man’s tribe follow close behind. When one of the female explorers falls into the river, the tribe captures her, hang her upside down and decapitate her. They then kidnap several of the treasure hunters and the anthropology party and take them back to the cave and tie them to “torture poles”. The Holy Man zaps one of the dudes with electricity from his fingers which turns him into a human filet mignon and then he becomes a cannibal free for all! The tribe also plans a baby sacrifice, but when one tribe woman objects, the Holy Man melts her! Jelita sneaks in and rescues the surviving people from the cave of the Holy Man. When Bunyon is fatally wounded the Deus Ex Machina sets in, he realizes that Jelita is actually his long lost daughter! Unfortunately at this point the film’s breakneck pace gets bogged down and gets all soap operay as most of the characters fight over who loves who, and argues about the treasure.
When the team finally goes back to the cave to get the treasure, the Holy Man attacks and uses his powers to hurl stalagmites into people’s abdomens. When they finally do find the treasure one guy proclaims: “The world is my oyster! I’m the richest man in human history! MONEY!” In the finale, the Queen returns and has a Jedi power battle with the Holy Man which causes the cave to crumble and a baking soda volcano to erupt. This leaves Jelita and the last surviving male alone to fall in love and go back to civilization.
This nutty movie also features death by cannibal trap, tribal women aerobicizing, and voodoo dolls. The best line of dialogue occurs when one of the explorers can’t stand a native’s loincloth and tells him, “Cover that thing up! Haven’t’ you heard of evolution?” The overblown erratic music is also great.
AKA: The Last Survivor. AKA: Cannibal. AKA: The Lost Cannibal World.
Tisa (Zombie) Farrow stars as a photographer who hitches a ride aboard a sailboat headed to a deserted island. There, she learns why it’s uninhabited: George (Erotic Nights of the Living Dead) Eastman has gone flesh crazy and started eating everyone.
The movie takes it’s time to get started, but there are moments of extreme gore that make it worth a look. The standout scene is when Eastman (who co-wrote the screenplay with D’Amato) rips a fetus out of a pregnant woman and munches on it, but the part when he gets his own guts ripped out and bites into them is pretty good too. There’s also a decent hatchet to the face and a Zombie-esque scene in which a woman gets her face gouged when she’s pulled through a stucco roof.
The flashback scene that “explains” why Eastman has become a hulking cannibal is priceless. He and his family are the only survivors of a shipwreck floating aimlessly at sea. When his son dies, he wants to eat him. “He’s dead! He’s meat!” His wife objects and when Eastman accidentally stabs her she screams: “Dear God, eat me!”
As always, D’Amato’s cinematography is quite crisp and the beautiful locations appear to be the same he used for Porno Holocaust. Both D’Amato and Eastman returned for the sequel, Monster Hunter (AKA: Anthropophagus 2).
AKA: Anthropophagus. AKA: Savage Island.
The plot has a group of teens going out into the middle of some Irish forest where a centuries old tribe of inbred cannibals still practice human sacrifice. Of course years of rampant inbreeding have caused them not to be able to reproduce, so they’re on the look out for some nubile “breeders” too. There’s an annoying “clairvoyant” caretaker who warns the teens they’re doomed and tells them to “stay on the path and out of the woods”. It doesn’t matter though, because the cannibals attack them while they’re in the house anyway.
So what the hell is the purpose of the psychic caretaker you might ask? It’s simple. His only purpose is to get his guts ripped out of his asshole and strangled with them. Brillant.
The “teens” all look at least 40 and make irritating sub-Scream 3 horror movie references. The XXX starlets only appear for a few scenes, but that’s okay though because we still get to see some porn star boobage (only Ginger Lynn keeps her clothes on). The gore is above average and features heart ripping, people cut in half, and of course the incredible scene where the caretaker gets his guts pulled out of his ass and strangled with them.
Porn stars. Richard Grieco. Guts being pulled out the ass. What more do you what from a movie?
Zombie star Ian McCulloch goes to the jungle to find a quack doctor who graphically mutilates his victims and lives amongst the cannibals. In the film’s most grueling scene, he operates on a female patient who’s still conscious and when her screaming gets to be too much for the good doctor, he cuts out her vocal cords! He says, “I could easily kill you now, but I need your brain!”
Pure genius!
In the end, his lab burns to the ground and the cannibals for once get a cooked meal. The unrelated opening scene was taken from a student film by Roy (Document of the Dead) Frumkes that was thrown in by the producers for no good reason whatsoever!
AKA: Zombie Holocaust.
AKA: Man Hunter.
Before Bill Maher hosted Politically Incorrect, he starred in this funny spoof of 40’s jungle pictures, feminism, and male sensitivity. B Movie Queen Shannon Tweed stars as a feminist professor who goes into the untamed jungles of
This is one of the most disgusting and controversial movies ever made. It’s been banned in dozens of countries all over the world and has a die hard cult following. The story revolves around a professor (Robert Kerman) who goes to a cannibal ridden jungle to investigate the disappearance of a group of documentary filmmakers. He brings back their footage and is appalled to see them raping and killing tribe members merely for shock value. Of course the cannibals get fed up with the white men and turn them into their Sunday brunch. The ending was later stolen in The Blair Witch Project.
Scenes of real animal mutilation, rape, amputation, castration and gut munching are still as shocking as they were in 1980. The scene where a woman is seen sitting through a large wooden spike is unforgettable. Director Ruggero (Jungle Holocaust) Deodato is a master at in your face “Can you stomach this?” moments, but unfortunately the film would have been even more shocking (and better) if the victims were likable and sympathetic instead of assholes that deserve what they get. It’s not the first, last or best cannibal movie out there, just the most notorious.
Grindhouse Releasing (ran by Spider-Man cameraman Bob Murawski and Sylvester’s son, Sage Stallone) released this uncut on DVD after years of unavailability.
The white man goes mucking around in the cannibal infested jungle and gets captured, tortured and eaten in this sick flick from director Umberto (Seven Blood-Stained Orchids) Lenzi. There’s eye gouging, castration, gut munching, penis eating, piranha attacks, hand chopping and brain eating, but the most infamous scene has a woman getting hung up on hooks by her nipples. There are also some Wild Kingdom-esque scenes of snakes eating lemurs, leopards eating monkeys and iguanas eating snakes. All this and we get graphic scenes of real turtle and crocodile mutilation too.
John (The Gates of Hell) Morghen is pretty great as the coked up asshole American who likes to say “twat” a lot. (“Do you get off on ecology, twat?”) Next to the rampant gore, his performance is the best thing about the movie. He gets some great lines like, “Get off my case motherfucker!” too. Regrettably there are also a lot of unnecessary scenes that take place in
The ads proudly boasted that the film was “Banned in 31 Countries!”
Director Joel M. (Night of the Zombies) Reed’s masterpiece is still as jaw dropping now as it was when it was first released. It features extreme nudity, gore and healthy doses of S & M, proving once again, that they just don’t make ‘em like they used to.
The plot has the Great Sardu, (Seamus O’Brien) and his little Latino midget Ralphus (Luis de Jesus) putting on an off Broadway torture show. The first night he crushes a woman’s skull and cut’s off another girl’s hand. Ralphus finishes the act by cutting out her eyeball and eating it. When a hoity toity theater critic is left unimpressed, Ralphus gets out his blow gun and kidnaps him. Sardu tries to impress the critic by running 500 volts through a girl’s breasts before putting her to work in the bathroom, (where he says, “Her mouth will make an interesting urinal!”). When the critic still doesn’t cotton to Sardu’s “art”, he decides to kidnap a world class ballerina and incorporate ballet (!) into the act. They tie her up and brainwash her by having Ralphus bang cymbals nonstop. When they give her too much hot cymbal action she passes out and they get a doctor to revive her. In lieu of a fee, they let him torture one of Sardu’s girls. He rips out her teeth one by one before performing “elective neurosurgery” on her, in which he drills a hole in her skull and sucks out her brains with a straw! Pure genius. Sardu then throws the doctor to his caged crazy women he keeps on hand to sell on the black market, and they promptly rip his heart out and rub it all over themselves.
Meanwhile, Sardu convinces the ballerina to perform by cutting off her rival’s feet. In the film’s best scene he puts a woman in a guillotine and makes her hold the rope connected to the blade in her mouth. Ralphus whips her until she screams out, letting go of the rope and the blade comes down and decapitates her. THEN Ralphus gets himself a little head, if you know what I mean. When the ballerina’s football player boyfriend and a crooked detective comes looking for her, all hell breaks loose. He tries to rescue his true love, but since she’s effectively brainwashed by Sardu, she brains him with a sledgehammer. The detective shakes down Sardu for some of his white slavery cash and since he keeps his money in the cage with all his crazed cannibalistic cuties, they kill him and break free, massacring everyone until the last shot of a cannibal chick chomping down on a severed penis hoagie.
It’s that kind of movie folks.
So what did we learn from all of this?
1. If your uptight ballerina girlfriend wants to perform in an Off Broadway torture show, LET HER.
2. When putting on an Off Broadway torture show, you have to throw in some kind of upscale theatrics like ballet because your audience will not respond to sadism alone.
3. Brains CAN be sucked out from a straw.
4. If you don’t have a dart board handy, a woman’s ass is an acceptable substitute.
5. Most importantly, if you keep a lot of cash on hand from trading women on the white slavery circuit, do NOT stash your cash in a cage full of hungry naked cannibal chicks. Get a piggy bank instead.
AKA: The Incredible Torture Show. AKA: The House of the Screaming Virgins. AKA: Heritage of Caligula.
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