<Special Note:  I had originally intended to have this up on the night that The Diamond State Drive-In Theater closed, but what started out as a small farewell grew into a massive eulogy (nearly 3,000 words).  I hope you have as much fun reading this as I did writing it.>

Felton, Delaware.  Saturday, November 29th.  9:00 pm.

The Diamond State Drive-In Theater, Delaware’s only drive-in movie theater has closed its doors forever.

It’s gone to that Big Drive-In in the Sky.

We may never see another drive-in in the First State again.

But I’ve come here to praise the drive-in, not to bury it.  For over half a century, The Diamond State Drive-In Theater provided Delaware with the best movie-going experience you can have.  To me, there is no single better way to watch a movie than sitting in your own personal automobile under the stars with someone you love.  

The first drive-in theater opened in Camden, New Jersey on June 6, 1933.  Over the years, the number of drive-ins grew and grew, and particularly flourished during the post World War II “Baby Boom”.  It was in this period that The Diamond State Drive-In Theater opened up in Felton (on August 12, 1949 to be exact).  At the peak of drive-in’s popularity, there were close to 5,000 drive-ins in America.  In 1954 there were as many as 9 drive-in theaters in the state of Delaware alone.  Now, there are none.

Now you might say, “Mitch, what does it matter to you?  After all you live in MARYLAND for Pete’s sakes!”

I’ll tell you why it matters to me.  I have a soft spot in my heart for the drive-ins of yesteryear.  One of my earliest and most memorable movie-going experiences was at the now long gone Delmar Drive-In in Delmar, Delaware.  There I saw a double feature of Mortuary and Mausoleum.  It was that night when I saw Bobbie Bresee’s breasts grow monstrous faces and devour Marjoe Gortner that I realized that the drive-in was the only true place to see a movie.  That historic evening took place in Delaware.  As much as I love my home state, the nearest drive-in in Maryland is in Middle River, about three hours away from my house in Bishopville.  Not an easy haul.  The Diamond State Drive-In was about an hour away, a much more manageable commute even when you’re driving home from a from-dusk-till-dawn show. 

The DSDIT was also far more economical than the multiplexes (or as like to call them, “Roofies”).  Double Features cost a measly $8 compared to the $10 you had to fork over in order to see ONE damn movie at a Roofie.  In addition to having some of the best damn popcorn I’ve ever tasted, the DSDIT also served up some out-of-this-world cheeseburgers and inexpensive drinks.  I mean me and my wife would get two tickets, a complete dinner, a healthy ration of snacks for about $30.  You spend that much at a Roofie just on tickets and concessions, without the benefit of a hearty meal AND you only get to see ONE movie to boot.

Plus, you got to enjoy the movie inside the comfy confides of your own personal form of transportation and didn’t have to worry about some stupid teenager talking on his cellphone throughout the whole movie.  If on the rare occasion someone did start getting obnoxious, you could simply roll your window up and turn the volume up on the FM radio and all was right with the world.

Not to mention you get to see some of the best pre-show material that ever graced the silver screen.  I don’t know about you but I’m sick and tired of all those commercials they show at a Roofie before the film starts.  The DSDIT, while they do show one or two newer ads, always begin their night's entertainment with the immortal “Let’s All Go to the Lobby!” advertisement.  Honestly, there should be a federal mandate that says that all movie theaters in the nation have to play this before showing a motion picture.  Nothing and I mean nothing sets the mood for a film like some dancing popcorn and singing soda pop.  They also play vintage ads (my favorite is for the mosquito repellent Pic) and even Woody Woodpecker cartoons in between the features.  That’s old school. 

Now I’m not going to lie to you and pretend that I didn’t honestly prefer the days when drive-ins showed nothing but exploitation fare like The Big Bird Cage, I Spit on Your Grave, and Pieces (or as I like to call it “The Golden Age”) to the family-friendly oriented experience of the here and now.  As previously stated, I was weaned on stuff like Mausoleum so I may be a bit biased, but every now and then, the DSDIT would return to its Golden Age roots.  Like a few years back when, on Halloween weekend, they played an Evil Dead marathon.  I was sadly unaware that this went down until afterwards and I unfortunately missed out on the fun, but I sure as heck was there for the outstanding Texas Chainsaw Massacre Triple Feature in ‘06.  Yes no matter how many Disney movies and kid-friendly flicks the DSDIT showed, they always kept true to their drive-in heritage around All Hallow’s Eve. 

Folks, there is just nothing finer on God’s green Earth than sitting behind the steering wheel of your loyal automobile with the woman you love and watch Leatherface carve up teenagers into human pate not once but THREE times in a single evening.

My first experience with the DSDIT was back in ’03 when me and my brother fired up the dearly departed Ford Tempo and gunned it up Route 13 to see a Comic Book Double Feature of X-Men 2:  X-Men United and Daredevil.  I got to tell you it was love at first sight.  It was 1983 all over again.  While X-Men 2 is a classic piece of drive-in cinema, it was still no Mausoleum, but that was okay.  Top that off with a showing of Daredevil, one of the most criminally underrated movies of the 21st century, and you had not one, but two Four Star classics.

I admit I’m getting a bit teary-eyed at the fact that I will never see the sight of Ben Affleck dressed in tight red leather beating the crap out of low level hoods on an outdoor screen in Delaware ever again.

Personal and financial issues kept me from frequenting the DSDIT for the next couple of years but I never once forgot the magic of that evening watching Hugh Jackman slash the bejesus out of SWAT team personnel with his adamantium claws while under the stars.  It would take three years until I would see my next feature at the DSDIT, but it was well worth the wait as I took my beautiful wife to the aforementioned Texas Chainsaw Massacre Triple Feature.  You just know you’ve found that Special Someone when you can share with her the joys of seeing a redneck lunatic wielding a heavy duty power tool while wearing a mask made out of human skin. 

The next year saw us only visiting the drive-in once to see a double bill of Balls of Fury and the Rob Zombified Halloween.  You know I’ve long had a theory that the very nature of watching a film at a drive-in not only enhances the quality of your movie-going experience but the actual quality of the movie itself.  This theory was proven correct on that night.  By all means, Rob Zombie’s Halloween remake should’ve been a total cinematic turd but somehow seeing Zombie’s white trashy deja vu version of John Carpenter’s immortal classic at the drive-in added at least an extra star to the film.

Then the unthinkable happened.  In the early months of ’08 I learned that this was to be the final year of the beloved DSDIT.  I was dumbstruck.  How could this have happened?  I started beating up on myself for not visiting the drive-in as often as I would’ve liked.  I told myself that I should’ve been a more frequent patron.  That I should’ve gone more than only three times in five years.  As much as I loved the drive-in, I would only wait for “Must See” entertainment to play there before I would go.  If only I had gone more, maybe the drive-in wouldn’t be in this predicament.  I soon made a pledge to visit the drive-in as often as I could, whenever I could, to see whatever looked remotely interesting.

Thankfully ’08 was a GREAT year to be a drive-in moviegoer.  It seemed like wonderful drive-in fare was being cranked out on a week to week basis by Hollywood.  It was as if they sensed that the DSDIT was coming to an end so they decided to shower them with nothing but the finest drive-in flicks since Bobbie Bresee’s mammary monster faces in Mausoleum.

First trip we made up to the DSDIT during its final season was in April to see a double feature of Jumper and Rambo.  Usually drive-in double features work better when the films have a common theme.  Jumper and Rambo were similar in that they both had one-word titles.  Jumper was a low grade sci-fi action flick that like the Halloween remake; played ten times better while projected on the jumbo drive-in screen.  Then there was Rambo.  People, there is just nothing more American than seeing Rambo machinegun the bejabbers out of 2,500 Burmese soldiers while resting comfortably in your American made vehicle.  Sigh...  It’s moments like these that I’ll miss the drive-in most.  Sure I have this movie on DVD, but even if I watched it on Blu-Ray in High Definition quality on a 72 inch plasma screen, it still wouldn’t compare to the majesty of seeing Rambo firing 250,000 rounds of high caliber ammunition into the skulls of slimy Burmese soldiers on the drive-in movie screen.

The first week in May, me and the wife returned to our beloved DSDIT to check out the awesome double feature of Iron Man and The Forbidden Kingdom.  As with Rambo, Iron Man pulled at our jingoistic heartstrings when Robert Downey Jr. pulled a reverse 9/11 on some Afghani soldiers by napalming them in the face with a flamethrower.  Then Forbidden Kingdom started up and believe you me, that the drive-in was the perfect place to see the historic pairing of kung fu superstars Jackie Chan and Jet Li.

A few months later the drive-in was showing a Comic Book Double Feature of Hellboy 2:  The Golden Army and Wanted.  Since I had fond memories of my first trip to the drive-in where they showed a double bill of X-Men 2 and Daredevil, I figured I might as well make another pilgrimage to the DSDIT.  Hellboy 2 was no Daredevil but it did have a great scene in “The Troll Market” where there was about a thousand varieties of aliens, monsters and weirdos.  Wanted was next and it turned out to be the best brain dead action movie since Shoot ‘Em Up.  It didn’t make too much sense (a weaving loom tells assassins who they should murder or some such nonsense) but the best thing I can say about it was that Angelina Jolie’s naked frame looked damn fine projected upon the gargantuan drive-in screen.

A couple weeks passed and I heard that the DSDIT was playing The Dark Knight and The X-Files 2.  Although The Dark Knight is overrated like all get out, it will be forever remembered for Heath Ledger’s take-no-prisoners performance as The Joker; one of the best in the history of the drive-in.  When X-Files started up, it stunk up the joint but good.  Still, seeing a cinematic turd at a drive-in is a lot preferable to seeing a cinematic turd in a Roofie, that’s for damn certain.

Then on Labor Day Weekend, the DSDIT showed a From-Dusk-Till-Dawn Sci-Fi Quintuple Feature of Space Chimps, Meet Dave, Babylon A.D., Journey to the Center of the Earth, and The Happening.  While neither of the films turned out to be classics, most of them carried a wonderful aroma of drive-in goodness.  Space Chimps was typical of the kiddie fare that the drive-in now catered to, but it wasn’t terrible or anything.  Meet Dave was horribly marketed and the previews were awful, but it turned out to be surprisingly decent and had a handful of good laughs.  Babylon A.D. was Babylon O.K. and featured a great drive-in performance by Vin Diesel and some above average futuristic kung fu.  Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D was next, and even though it wasn’t shown in 3-D (I’m beginning to think this new 3-D craze is a complete crock because none of the movies that have been advertised as being in 3-D have actually been showed in 3-D at my local theaters), it had enough eye candy to keep me awake at 3:00 AM.  Finally, The Happening started up and it was probably the best dang M. Night Shyamamadingdong flick ever made.  I’m not saying that it was any good, but it did have that great scene in which Marky Mark begged a plastic plant not to kill him.  

What was even greater than seeing FIVE movies that evening (for the low, low cost of $10) was the fact that it gave us five intermissions to see all of those wonderful drive-in ads, some of which we saw for the first time.  There was the immortal “Let’s All Go to the Lobby”, a classic Woody Woodpecker cartoon, a wonderfully cheesy (no pun intended) nacho commercial from the 70’s, an ad featuring a juggling box of popcorn, as well as the good old “Countdown to Showtime” clock.

In the waning days of the DSDIT, they reverted back to playing nothing but kiddie friendly fare like Beverly Hills Chihuahua and High School Musical 3, so we didn’t really see a need to go back.  When the announcement came that on the final night of the drive-in, there would be only be showing ONE feature, my heart sank.  Although I desperately wanted to have one last visit to my favorite theater, the whole point of going to the drive-in was to get the double feature experience.  Add to the fact that the film in question was Bolt, yet another kid’s movie (and another one of those 3-D movies that’s NOT shown in 3-D) I knew I just couldn’t muster up the strength to go one last time.

I’m glad that the From-Dusk-Till-Dawn show was the final night that I went to the drive-in because that’s exactly how I wanted it to live on in my mind.  Showing great drive-in entertainment from sundown to sunrise, seeing such spectacular sights as Eddie Murphy sharpening his nose with a pencil, Vin Diesel kung fuing people with his futuristic metal hand, Brendan Fraser fighting off prehistoric piranhas, and scenes of people feeding themselves to lions, that’s how I wanted to remember the DSDIT.  I didn’t want to remember the drive-in as the place that showed badly animated CGI movies starring Scientologists. 

It’s kinda like remembering a deceased relative.  You don’t want your last memory of them to be of the senile version of their former self that wasted away dying a slow death in a nursing home.  No, you want to remember them as they were in their prime, when they were filled with life and love. 

Now all this time I didn’t sit idly by and let the drive-in go down without a fight.  I did all I could to help it prevail in its fight.  I wrote a plea to the great drive-in movie critic Joe Bob Briggs who was especially bereaved to hear of the DSDIT’s imminent passing.  I wrote long letters to the Historical Society of Felton, urging them to consider it a historical landmark.  I got a pleasant reply from Sarah Ferguson who let me know that my voice did not go unheard, but at the end of the day, it did little from stopping the inevitable.  No matter how many voices were heard, the drive-in’s lights came to a close on November 29, 2008.

There is a silver lining though.  There are plans to move the drive-in to Wattsville, Virginia where it will hopefully reopen in ’09 or ’10.  By then, who knows what kind of spectacular drive-in entertainment will be in store for us.  One thing is for sure though; wherever the drive-in goes, I most certainly will follow.

Until we meet again under a starlit night, this is Mitch Lovell reminding you that the drive-in will live on...

There are fewer things more sacred to a man than the Holy Trinity:  His wife, his movies, and his car.  What better way to combine all three by taking your better half and tossing her in your ride to see some quality flicks under a beautiful summer night sky? 

Sadly, two weeks ago, some jackass rear-ended the beloved Cavalier and totaled it.  While it was making it’s way up to that great junkyard in the sky, I’ve been dealing with whiplash and physical therapy and haven’t had the time (or the car) to get up to the drive-in and see Clone Wars.  (Dammit, I missed my opportunity to see Star Wars under the goddamned STARS for Christ’s sakes!)

Anyway, I’m feeling much better now that I got my new ride, a steel blue ‘01 Ford Taurus; or as I like to call her, The Big Blue Bull.  What better way to pop the Bull’s Drive-In cherry than to put the pedal to the metal and make a beeline for the state line to check out the Diamond State Drive-In’s Labor Day From-Dusk-Till-Dawn Show.  This year they had FIVE movies for $10, and better yet, they were all Sci-Fi flicks in one way or another.  The wife wasn’t too sure about the “quality” of the movies being shown, but that didn’t discourage her from performing her marital duties and accompanying her husband to the drive-in for a sundown to sunup Sci-Fi cinema smorgasbord. 

As the sun was setting, the show began.  First they played all the usual intermission trailers from the 60’s that advertised everything from popcorn to candy to soda; my favorite being the immortal “Let’s All Go to the Lobby” ad.  Seriously, there ought to be a federal law that states that theaters both indoor and outdoor alike have to play this ad before the main attraction or face prosecution to the fullest extent of the law.  Of course, the Drive-In also has to play the obligatory modern day commercials for such lame-o products like Ax Body Spray too, but I guess they got to earn a buck somehow. 

After a couple of mediocre previews, it was “ON WITH THE SHOW!”  First up: 

SPACE CHIMPS  (2008)  **

Well, WALL-E it was not

Space Chimps follows a chimp named Ham (voiced by Andy Samberg from Saturday Night Live) who is chosen by NASA along with two other chimps to pilot a space shuttle into a wormhole at the far end of the galaxy.  Once there, they come into contact with a wimpy alien race being menaced by an overweight and overzealous beastie (voiced by Jeff Daniels) who wants to enslave the inhabitants of the planet.  It’s up to the Chimps to put a kibosh on the slimy bastard’s plan and save the day.  Oh yeah and fall and love.  Oh yeah and show that they’re smarter than humans.  You know; the usual stuff. 

The set-up is similar in a lot of respects to Space Cowboys, but instead of a bunch of septuagenarian old farts going in space, it’s a bunch of chimps.  Things go off the deep end once we meet the aliens though; all of whom are fairly grating on the nerves.  You know, when you are thinking of someone to give voice to your evil alien leader, I’m not sure that the name Jeff Daniels would be at the top of your list.  Hell, I’m not sure if he would be on anybody’s list to tell you the truth.  As a villain, he’s a total bore and his one-dimensional line readings wear out their welcome fast.  If the film had focused more on the chimps training for their mission and less on all the goofy alien shit, Space Chimps may have been a good time.  The flick may have had more problems than a math book, but it did manage to eek a few laughs out of me.  Not bad for a third rate CGI animated kiddie movie, I guess. 

Andy Samberg’s likeable performance is really the thing that makes this movie worth a look.  If you loved him in the classic SNL sketch, Lazy Sunday and want watch a G rated movie with your kids that at least keeps a small fraction of his persona intact, then this should fit the bill.

(The wife didn’t care too much for this one as she was completely engrossed with her Nintendo DS during much of the film’s running time.)

Then after all the CGI bull-honky, we got some REAL animated entertainment in the form of a Woody Woodpecker cartoon during intermission time.  The cartoon had Woody putting the screws to his sleepy neighbor by making as much racket as possible (including doing his infectious trademark laugh).  After that wonderful little gem, next came:

MEET DAVE  (2008)  ** ½

The fact that the trailers for this movie were truly terrible shouldn’t dissuade you from checking Meet Dave out.  The fact that the film reunites Eddie Murphy with Norbit director Brian Robbins shouldn’t stop you from seeing it either.  Nor should the fact that Murphy doesn’t exactly have the best sci-fi track record after the mega-flop, The Adventures of Pluto Nash.  Meet Dave is much better than that turd and while it may be just a middling entry in Murphy’s oeuvre, it’s a damn sight better than say, Harlem Nights or Boomerang. 

Murphy plays an alien spacecraft disguised as a human whose mission is to drain the Earth of its oceans.  Inside of Murphy is a crew of astronauts not unlike the crew from Star Trek, who are captained by… you guessed it, Eddie Murphy.  When the mission doesn’t go as planned, the spaceship (named “Dave”) has to mingle among the citizens of Earth where it learns the value of human life, friendship, and love.  You know; the usual stuff. 

The sole reason I was willing to give this thing a chance is that it was co-written by Bill Corbett, better known as Crow from Mystery Science Theater 3000.  Although the film reeks of Hollywood re-writes, it manages to maintain a lot of Corbett’s wit throughout the flick.  I was actually surprised to find myself laughing sporadically during the course of the movie, often louder than I expected.  Besides, it doesn’t matter if a lot of the slapsticky stuff involving Dave learning to blend in with his human surroundings is groan-inducing.  What matters is that Murphy looks like he’s having fun, especially in the scenes where he shits out a bunch of money, sharpens a pencil with his nose, and comically eats dozens of Nathan’s hot dogs in no time flat. 

Read that last sentence again.  Does that kind of thing sound funny to you?  If not, avoid this movie like the plague.  Otherwise, you might find yourself having a good time, at least half of the time that is. 

(The wife didn’t catch this one, she slept right through it.)

After we met Dave, we were treated to more old timey ads; my favorite being the one for “Rico’s Nachos” that boasted “finely aged cheese”.  Cheesy is right, because this ad is chockfull of 70’s cheesiness.  From the past, we went to the future of: 

BABYLON A.D.  (2008)  ** ½

You know, I hadn’t seen a great Vin Diesel sci-fi action flick since The Chronicles of Riddick came out four years ago.  I know, I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up like that.  I know there will never be another movie quite like The Chronicles of Riddick.  Flicks like that one only come along once, maybe twice in a lifetime.  Babylon A.D. ain’t in the same league as COR, but I still kinda dug it.

Babylon A.D. is all about Diesel trying to smuggle this virgin chick into New York because it’s the future and things are so bad you have to import fine tail over the border on the down low.  Naturally, all the vaguely Eastern European looking bad guys want her dead as a doornail and Diesel has to grudgingly protect her.  Then we learn she’s pregnant.  Then we learn with what. 

Basically it’s Blade Runner Meets Children of Men on a Doomsday budget.  Actually the film is less about all that stuff and really more about how Vin Diesel pays his electric bills in between Fast and the Furious movies. 

You know the advance word on this movie was venomous.  20^th Century Fox kept pushing the release date back, which is never a good sign.  Then they drastically re-cut and re-edited the film from a reported 2 ½ hours down to an even 90 minutes.  The director, Mathieu Kassovitz then complained openly that the studio ruined his film and his “vision”.  I don’t know Mathieu, but when your last movie was the godawful Gothika, I have to think you’re stretching credibility by saying you have a “vision” of anything.

Despite all that malarkey, I didn’t think Babylon A.D. was all that bad.  One caveat is that the movie is light in the action department.  BUT… when Vin does bust a move, things get downright wonderfully shitdiculous.  The scene where Diesel hops on a snowmobile and actually outruns a Stealth bomber is zanier than anything he did in XXX.  While the film does show signs of studio meddling (it’s in dire need of a third act), you DO get to see Vin participate in a futuristic UFC style cage match, so to me it’s an even trade off.

I also liked the way the flick didn’t hit you over the head with all the futuristic shit.  At one point, Vin Diesel gets an Army of Darkness style metal hand for no real good reason at all, other than it looks pretty badass.  No one ever explains “Oh, the neuro-tendons will coagulate the this and the that”.  Uh-uh.  Vin just kinda takes the fact that he woke up from a coma wearing a robotic appendage in stride.  (Who wouldn’t?  That thing looked sweet to me!)

Not everything in the film is up to snuff, but Diesel is the bomb and really owns in this movie.  All of his dialogue is of the clichéd macho tough guy variety, which is to say it’s pretty awesome.  Like the Riddick movies, his opening narration is great (“Save the planet?  Every time I see that bumper sticker I have to laugh.  Save it for who?”), and he gets all the best lines like “In this business you need two things, balls and brains and you don’t have either one!” and “I only have one rule:  DON’T FUCK WITH ME!”

(Interestingly, the wife tried to stay up for this one.  About five minutes into the film though, this exchange could be heard from the confines of the Big Blue Bull:

WIFE:  So, where’s the cavemen?

ME:  Cavemen?

WIFE:  Yeah, don’t they fight wooly mammoths or something?

ME:  Uh, honey, that was 10,000 B.C.  You know B.C. as in prehistoric times.  This is Babylon A.D. as in like, the future.

WIFE:  Oh.  So… no wooly mammoths then? 

ME:  No.

Five minutes later.

WIFE:  ZZZZZZZZZZZZ……)

After the credits rolled on Babylon A.D., we got another intermission.  This one was one of those 10 minute deals where the juggling popcorn and jumping hotdogs countdown the minutes to showtime.  Next up was: 

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH  (2008)  * ½

Watching a 3-D movie in two dimensions is kinda like wearing a condom during sex.  You go through all the motions but you’re missing the sensation. 

We unfortunately couldn’t watch the new Journey to the Center of the Earth in three dimensions as God had intended, so we had to settle for two dimensions instead.  Even if you were lucky enough to see the movie in 3-D, it probably seemed pretty flat. 

What we got here is Brendan Fraser grabbing his teenage nephew and going to Iceland to look for the titular center of the Earth with the help of a hottie guide.  Once to the core, they encounter luminescent birds, giant mushrooms (“Humongous fungus!”), flying prehistoric piranhas, man-eating plants and a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  Then they got to figure out how to get back home.  The way they do it is… no, I’m sorry, it’s just too stupid to describe and I just couldn’t bear to go over it in my mind again. 

The big problem I had with this flick is that like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the main characters are never once in any real “danger”.  (There’s even a mine cart scene blatantly stolen from Temple of Doom that seems more like a prototype for a theme park ride than anything else.)  I mean Fraser is running from a T-Rex for his life and he still has time to make inane wisecracks.  Worse still is the scene where the trio literally stumbles into a hole and fall thousands of miles down into the center of the Earth and don’t go splat when they reach the bottom.  (I didn’t quite get the physics of that one either.)  Another odd thing about the movie is the jailbait guide who is obviously set up to be the nephew’s love interest, but bizarrely enough ends up locking lips with Fraser at the end of the movie.  Weird. 

I guess if you saw this in 3-D, it MIGHT have been more fun, what with all the yo-yos, birds, rocks, fish, tape measures, and mouthwash (that’s right, you heard me, mouthwash) constantly being hurtled at the audience.  In 3-D, I’m sure it’s really something.  (Give it an extra half star if you do catch the 3-D version.)  In 2-D, not so much.  Still when’s the last time you saw Brendan Fraser duke it out with a carnivorous Venus Fly Trap?

As 3-D movies go, it’s no Spacehunter:  Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, but there are certainly worse Brendan Fraser movies out there that you could waste your time with. 

(The only dimensions the wife saw were the dimensions of the back of her eyelids.)

The final intermission ad was just the intermission clock letting you know how long you had to take a three-dimensional piss before the final flick started up, which happened to be…

THE HAPPENING  (2008)  **

Let me go on record by saying that I was not looking forward to this one at all.  You all may know of my unabashed hatred for M. Night Shymalamadingdong’s work.  I was there for the very first show of The Sixth Sense, where I successfully predicted the “twist” ending that everyone subsequently went gaga for.  I sat through Unbreakable, which really should’ve been called Unwatchable.  I was the first to notice the real sign that Signs was going to go down the shitter when Shymalamadingdong gave himself that hilariously extended egotistical cameo.  (Not to mention the fact that the aliens could master space travel but couldn’t figure out how to open up a damn door.)  I tried to give him one more chance with The Village, but it only gave me another reason to hate the son of a bitch (not to mention hippies who like to live in turn-of-the-century Quaker communes). 

After that, I swore off Shymalamadingdong movies.  I skipped that Lady in the Water shit PDQ (It looked like it should’ve been called Splash but with Ugly People) and would’ve bypassed this flick altogether, had it not been playing at the ass end of the quintuple feature.  I had already been behind the wheel of the Big Blue Bull for eight hours straight, so why not ring in the dawn with Marky Mark running around Pennsylvania while crazy people hari-kari themselves underneath of John Deere tractors? 

I will give this to Shymalamadingdong:  He had me for a little bit. 

The plot:  Nature is Angry.  So trees produce a toxin that makes people kill themselves in order to tip the balance of Nature.  The thing is, you can always tell when someone is about to go plum loco and off themselves because they always give you this funny little look, as if they’re trying to do long division in their head or something.  Then, blammo, either they’re sucking on a service revolver, sticking hatpins in their jugular or feeding themselves to the lions. 

Actually for the first 2/3 of the flick, The Happening ain’t half bad.  Shymalamadingdong finally dropped all those PG-13 shenanigans and finally went R rated on us, and the results are fairly decent.  I got to give Shymalamadingdong credit for evoking a Romero-esque feel and a handful of quality kills (including the outright butchering of a couple of young kids). 

But just like every other one of his flicks, M. Nyquil screws the pooch in the third act.  The flick completely jumps the rails once Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch of People Who Haven’t Killed Themselves Yet stay at the bizarro Betty (Carrie) Buckley’s Bed and Breakfast from Hell.  Sure, bunking up with senile senior citizens is scary and all, but it just doesn’t make for a satisfying climax to your preachy, ecological horror flick. 

Another thing that irritated the shit out of me during this flick:  Everyone says the word “happening” about 75 times throughout the movie.  Seriously, if you play a drinking game while watching this flick and take a shot every time that someone says “happening”, you are guaranteed to suffer from alcohol poisoning before the credits roll. 

Kudos must be given to Marky Mark for acting all kinds of sincere and earnest and shit.  There’s this one great scene where he talks to a potted plant and begs for it to spare his life.  Seeing him emphatically plea for mercy to a goddamn geranium is a hoot and the flick as a whole is a heck of a lot better than that “I see dead people” crap. 

(The wife actually stayed awake for this one.  She didn’t like it much neither.) 

So let’s review.  What did we see tonight?  Chimps in space, Eddie Murphy shitting out a bunch of nickels, Vin Diesel being fitted with a robotic arm, Brendan Fraser sucker punching a Venus Fly Trap and Marky Mark talking to potted plants and begging for his life.  All in all, a wonderful night of entertainment.  While none of the films were singularly great, they at least had their moments and seeing them all together at the Drive-In, the greatest place on Earth to see a movie, certainly didn’t hurt. 
 

Well I’ve been itching to give The Dark Knight another viewing (since I had some major problems with the final act), so me and the wife fired up the old Cavalier and gunned that sumbitch up to The Diamond State Drive-In Theater in Felton, Delaware for a Sequel Double Feature of Batman 6 and The X-Files Deux.  Now usually, the drive-in plays the newer movie first and the second-run movie last, but since The Dark Knight has been more popular than a double jointed hooker, they showed Batman first.  As previously stated, I have some problems with the last third of the movie, but I decided to give the film a second chance because the first time I saw it, it was midnight, I was dead tired, and my bladder was committing hari-kari on me for half the movie.  I thought that maybe seeing the flick at the drive-in, within the comfortable confines of my Cavalier, it might better my judgment a little. 

Well… I still stand by my original review.  The movie is perfect up until the ferry boat scene; then everything promptly goes down the shitter.  Heath Ledger is great, giving probably the best performance I’ve seen at the drive-in in quite sometime; one that we’d probably still be hooting and hollering about even if he didn’t go ahead and make himself into a Hot Topic Martyr.   *** ½. 

Then after the intermission (you know the one with the juggling box of popcorn), The X-Files:  I Want to Believe started up, or as I like to call it:  The X-Files:  I Want to Believe I’ll Somehow Get My Eight Bucks Back. 

Man did it ever stink up the joint. 

Now I was never a fan of the X-Files TV show, but the first movie was pretty decent.  Actually, now that I think about it, I can’t remember thing one that happened in that flick.  I don’t know if that’s because it’s been ten years since I last saw it or if it’s just because it just wasn’t all that memorable, I’m not sure.  Anyway, it’s the worst sequel since Indiana Jones fucked around with them crystal skull paperweights.

Billy (The Boondock Saints) Connolly stars as this psychic pedophile priest who acts like a bloodhound and sniffs out body parts hiding in icy lakes for the FBI.  Shit’s pretty weird right, so the Feds decide it’s high time to bring in Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) to help with the investigation.  Mulder mumbles a lot and Scully gives everyone that “I have PMS, don’t fuck with me” look of hers for about an hour so until they finally figure out that there are a bunch of homosexual Russian Frankenstein fuckers running around lopping off people’s body parts and gluing them onto their lover’s torso. 

Okay, roll call of all the movies this mess rips off of:

The Silence of the Lambs.  (Chubby women getting kidnapped and stuck in damp places while their captors dawdle around and wait to kill them.)

Turistas.  (Black market organ donors who prey upon unsuspecting Americans and steal their body parts.)

Pieces.  (A murderer running around collecting body parts.)

The Dead Zone.  (Psychic whackjob helping the police find a killer.)

Frankenhooker.  (A maniac with dubious medical credentials and a laboratory in his garage keeps this lover alive by slapping other people’s body parts onto ‘em.)

The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  (Sexual deviant building his perfect man out of spare body parts.)

Now you would THINK that a movie that rips off of all these flicks would have a recipe for success but unfortunately director (and series creator) Chris Carter doesn’t spring any of this on us until the last ten minutes.  That’s bad enough but the real problem with the movie is that there isn’t even enough plot in this thing to fill a one hour episode, let alone a two hour, decade-after-the-fact sequel.  In fact, nothing really feels very X-Filesy about this movie until the final reel.  Hell, even Indiana Jones 4 had more X-Files type shit in it than this flick.  I thought The X-Files was supposed to be all about aliens and crap, and not a bunch of half-assed-homosexual-organ-donors-bull-honky.  There’s also a Gratuitous Sick Kid Who Needs A Controversial Stem-Cell-Research Brain Operation that brings the movie to a screeching halt.  Not only that, but there’s also an unintentionally hilarious moment when the “eerie” X-Files whistling theme plays over a picture of George W. Bush that has to be seen to be… uh… believed.

Duchovny delivers a solid performance, if you can take his patented, nasally, monotone persona that is.  Anderson is okay, but the film gives her way too many I’ve-Got-To-Save-The-Sick-Retard scenes for her to flounder in.  On the plus side, neither one of them looks as if they’ve aged a day so if they ever decide to wait ANOTHER ten years to make XF3, at least they’ll still look the same. 

Token rapper Xzibit took time off from pimping people’s rides long enough to play the Asshole FBI Man who says things like, “I don’t believe this!”, just so Mulder can holler the movie’s subtitle, “I WANT to believe!” 

I WANT to believe I didn’t wait ten years to see this crap.

Well folks, seeing as though this MIGHT be the last year for the Diamond State Drive-In, we have to do our patriotic American duty to save this beloved establishment.  The drive-in movie theater itself is already an endangered species and the Diamond State Drive-In is the last drive-in left in state of Delaware.  So if you guys and gals love the drive-in as much as I do, drop the Felton Community Historical Society a line (ATT:  Sarah Ferguson, email:  sferguson@townoffelton.com) and let them know why you all think that the drive-in should remain in Delaware.

Since this may be the last year of The Diamond State Drive-In Theater (Delaware’s last remaining drive-in in existence), I thought it would be a great idea to toss the wife in the Cavalier and go across state lines to check out a Comic Book Movie Double Feature of Hellboy 2:  The Golden Army and Wanted.  Now I wasn’t a big fan of the first Hellboy movie, but I do admire the work of director Guillermo del Toro and the previews were promising lots of eye-popping special effects and plenty of monster mashing, so if figured what the hay.  Besides, it won’t be too long before seeing demons with gigantic stone boxing gloves fighting enormous robots under the moonlight will become a thing of the past in the First State, so you got to grab each opportunity you can get by nut sac.

The plot of Hellboy 2 has an evil Troll Prince getting pissed off that humans have ignored the truce between Man and Troll to keep out of his forests, so he’s getting itchy to try out his father’s Golden Army of Giant Indestructible Killer Robots that have the capacity to bring about the end of humankind as we know it.  His hottie twin sister doesn’t want that so she hides the map containing the Army’s whereabouts and ditches the Troll Kingdom for New York where the demon Hellboy (Ron Perlman) and his band of paranormal investigators try to protect her from her spear wielding sibling. 

Hellboy 2 suffers from some of the same problems the first film did (mainly that Hellboy mostly seems like a supporting character in his own movie), but this time out del Toro is totally in his element.  Thanks to the critical success of his Pan’s Labyrinth, del Toro doesn’t have to kowtow to the lame-brained execs and can finally make a movie for himself instead of a studio mandated demographic group.  This means that del Toro can put in as many bedtime stories that look like a Rankin Bass version of an Iron Maiden album, calcium eating tooth fairies, and other assorted general weirdness without worrying if an exec is looking over his shoulder screaming “What the fuck is this crap?”

Del Toro serves up at least one memorable special effects set piece in The Troll Market which kinda plays like an updated version of the Star Wars cantina scene for the new millennium.  This scene alone has a bigger cast of mutants and weirdos than the last three David Lynch movies combined and is totally worthy of your $8.  (Don’t you just love drive-in prices?  TWO movies for EIGHT BUCKS, baby!  It certainly beats the shit out of going to a Roofie Cinema.) 

Sure the movie is uneven as all get out, and could’ve benefited from some tighter editing, but this flick features a giant monster brawl every ten minutes or so, so what more do you really want?  I especially enjoyed the scene where Hellboy squared off against the giant Elemental monster.  If the monster itself suffers from comparison to the Cloverfield monster, that’s okay because this movie one-ups the monster from that movie because this monster actually turns INTO a clover field after it’s been slain.

Perlman is great (again) but you’ll be wishing he had more screen time (again).  Luckily for us, there’s no more wet-behind-the-ears rookie FBI guys mucking up the works, which lets the supporting cast do their thing.  Returning stars Selma Blair (Firestarter Goth Girl), and Doug Jones (Telepathic Fish Man) are in fine form and their performances are complemented nicely by the addition of a new character, Johan Krauss (German Gas Man) voiced by Family Guy’s Seth MacFarlane.  

The flick is also chockfull of great dialogue, but I think I’m going to have to nominate “I’m not a baby, I’m a tumor!” as the best of the bunch.

Next up was Wanted and I don’t if it was because this was my second time viewing the film but most of this movie actually MADE SENSE this time around.  I guess goofy shit like assassins who can curve bullets and weaving looms that order people to kill just makes more sense when you’re at the drive-in.  For those who’ve seen Wanted already, you already know how insane this movie is.  Even though I just saw it nine days ago, Wanted is STILL the Best Brain Dead Action Movie since Shoot ‘Em Up and STILL the Best Exploding Rat Movie ever made and I'm STILL giving it three stars despite it's moments of extreme stupidity.  Honestly folks, how can you turn down an opportunity to see Angelina Jolie’s bare ass 50 feet high on the drive-in screen under the stars in the comfort of your own car?

Anyone out there interested in doing their part to save The Diamond State Drive-In Theater, check out their website at www.dsdit.com.  Take someone you love to the drive-in tonight. 

I’ve been up for almost twenty hours now and have to be at work early tomorrow (technically this) morning, so I’ll make this review short and sweet.

Me and the wife made like a cigarette truck and hauled our butts up to the Diamond State Drive-In Theater, Delaware’s only drive-in (www.dsdit.com) to see a double feature of Iron Man and The Forbidden Kingdom. 

Since Marvel Comics got tired of the big studios messing up their potentially lucrative superhero properties, starting with Iron Man, they’re doing it all by themselves now.  First time up to the plate, they knock it out of the park. 

The alcoholic, womanizing industrial billionaire and high tech weapons manufacturer Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) gets kidnapped in Afghanistan by a radical group of terrorists and gets coerced into building them a weapon of mass destruction.  Tony says uh-uh and builds himself a suit of armor instead and equips it with a machine gun, a flamethrower and a rocket pack, and precedes to do a reverse 9/11 on them asshole Afghanis.   When he returns home, he modifies his armor and sets out to help people instead of profit off of them, much to the chagrin of his business partner Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges).  Stane steals Stark’s blueprints and builds himself his own suit and the two go toe to toe for the final showdown. 

We’re talking the cinematic equivalent of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, here.

In fact, this movie features some of the finest scenes of men dressed in robotic suits kicking the crap out of each other since Robocop 2.  (And if you all know me, you know of my unhealthy love for Robocop 2, which means that last sentence is nothing short of the highest praise I can give by law.)

Iron Man is an origin story so there’s going to be more story than action, but that’s okay cuz I’m kind of a sucker for origin stories.  But if you want action, Stark’s escape from Afghanistan wearing his clunky armor is nothing short of awesome.  Although nothing else in the movie comes quite as close to topping that scene, it’s still one of the coolest things you’ve ever seen in a superhero movie, period.

Director Jon Favreau (who also has a small role) does an excellent job blending the effects with the human element of the story and gets some truly great performances from his actors.  Downey is simply fantastic and everyone else around him is rock solid too.  A movie like this one thrives on supporting characters and people like Bridges, Gwyneth Paltrow and Terence Howard help Downey out immensely and allow him to shine that much brighter.  Oh, and stay glued to your seat until after the credits.  You’ll be glad you did. 

As far as comic book movies go, it’s not quite up to par with say, The Shadow, but it’s still much better than most of the stuff Marvel has been making lately and good enough for it to fly straight to Number 2 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten of 2008, right below Rambo and just above Shine a Light. 

After Iron Man was over, The Forbidden Kingdom was up next and even though I already reviewed it a while back, I’ll hit the highlights again:

Jackie Chan fights Jet Li.  You want more reasons to see this flick?  How about Jet Li pissing in Jackie Chan’s face?  You’re sold now I bet aren’t you?  How about Jackie Chan doing some of the best drunken boxing since The Legend of Drunken Master?  Have you got your tickets yet?  Do the words Best Kung Fu Movie of 2008 mean anything to you?  What if I told you that The Forbidden Kingdom is also the odds on favorite to win the coveted Video Vacuum Award for Best Screenplay for having Jackie Chan say the immortal line, “Crouching Tiger, Spanking Monkey!”  If you couldn’t figure it out by now, I’m talking about *** ½ and a rock steady Number 5 spot on the Top Ten. 

Do yourself a favor and take someone you love to the drive-in tonight. 

There’s no better place in the world to see a movie than at a drive-in.  I felt my drive-in epiphany at the tender age of five when my dad took me to see a double feature of Mortuary and Mausoleum.  When I saw Bobbie Bresee’s breasts grow faces and chow down on Marjoe Gortner, well I was a changed man.  I never forgot that experience and hopefully everyone reading this will also feel like that at least once in their lives.  What makes the drive-in great is the fact that you do get two movies for the price of one.  It’s even better when the movies have a common theme.  (Like Mortuary and Mausoleum.  Both films featured people getting butchered in places known for their ample cadaver storage.)  This week, I went up to The Diamond State Drive-In, the last remaining drive-in in Delaware and checked out a double feature of Jumper and Rambo.  These flicks had a lot in common. 

For starters they both have one word titles. 

Okay, that’s about all they have in common.

Jumper may never win any Video Vacuum Awards, but just the fact that I saw this mess at the drive-in probably added a star or more to it’s rating. 

Jumper is all about how Hayden Christensen can teleport himself all over the world.  He has the ability to teleport (or “jump”) to Rome in the morning, teleport to Egypt and chow down on a Wawa sub on top of the Sphinx at noon, jump on over to London and hang out at Big Ben, and still be back home for dinner.  

Unfortunately with all his power, he couldn’t teleport himself into a better movie. 

Then Samuel L. Jackson enters the picture as a “Paladin”, a guy who hunts down Jumpers and kills them with a giant Bowie knife.  (Usually Jackson can light up any movie he’s in, but he looks less than thrilled to be in this flick.)  Jackson’s barber gave him a Brian Dennehy hairdo and that REALLY pissed him off, so he takes all his aggression out on Christensen by cattle prodding the shit out of him and holding his girlfriend (Rachel Bilson) hostage. 

There’s only two places in the world where a movie this stupid actually works.  One is on the Sci-Fi Channel (where this flick is bound to end up in a year or so) and the other is the drive-in.  Teleporting teenagers being chased by tired looking character actors is just easier to accept when you’re under the stars sitting behind the steering wheel of your trusty Cavalier. 

Actually, the flick wasn’t half bad until they introduced Hayden’s thoroughly annoying British sidekick and the plot starting jumping around more than the characters did.  It also lost points for the tame love scene between Hayden and Bilson.  The movie was PG-13 so the filmmakers completely ignored the possibilities of teleportation sex (AKA:  “Jumping” her bones).

Even though the sidekick was grating on my last nerve, at least he got the movie’s best line when he said:  “If it moves, I can jump it!”

Then Rambo started up.  I love this movie.  This was my second go-round with it (I already saw it on opening night about three months ago) and if there was ever a better (recent) movie to see at a drive-in, then I sure can’t think of one.  Rambo may be my favorite of the series, and seeing it at the drive-in only made it that much better. 

It’s hard for me to single out what makes Rambo so great. 

It might be the scene where Rambo decapitates a Burmese soldier with a homemade machete, giving a new meaning to the term “Burma Shave”.

Perhaps it’s when Rambo tore a dude’s throat out Road House style. 

Or when Rambo ripped the child molester general’s guts out and they spilled all over the forest. 

Could it be the scene where the villains make innocent farmers run the 100 yard dash thorough a minefield? 

Or the scene where Rambo single-handedly mowed down half of Burma with a machine gun and only had to reload once.

Maybe it was the part when Rambo snuck up on two soldiers and shot them with a machine gun at point blank range, turning them into human Jackson Pollack paintings. 

I could go on, but what’s the point?  Faithful readers will already know that Rambo is Number One with a bullet (make that ten thousand bullets) on the Video Vacuum Top Ten for ‘08.

All I’m going to say is that there are few things more American than watching a Rambo movie at a drive-in. 

Speaking of the drive-in, there is a terrible crime being perpetrated on American soil.  There’s a bunch of greedy land developers that want to tear the Diamond State Drive-In down and put up condominiums.  Just like the evil Burmese soldiers in the movie, these people want to rape and pillage something decent and good and use it for their own debauched desires.  Like Rambo, we the drive-in going audience must combat the evil, not by ripping people’s throats out, but by supporting the drive-in regularly.  For information on how you can help, check out www.dsdit.com for more details.