An R & B singing sensation named Liz (Leslie Uggams) goes on vacation to get away from it all. Her car breaks down in a small redneck town and she winds up staying in a crappy motel ran by the mentally imbalanced Eddie (Michael Christian) who immediately gets a crush on her. This predictably makes his fat and ugly ex-stripper girlfriend (Shelley Winters) jealous. Despite her protestations, Eddie sets out to woo Liz. And by woo I mean kidnap and rape her. Since everyone in the town is an A-1 nutbar, the sheriff (Slim Pickens) doesn’t see a problem with that and even gets the whole town together for their “wedding”. Luckily, the one decent guy in town (Ted Cassidy) decides to break up the nuptials with a shotgun.
Poor Pretty Eddie is marinated in a grimy grindhouse atmosphere that sorta worked. Much of the film is muddy looking but that kinda enhances the overall mood. Unfortunately, it’s all pretty tasteless; even for my usually low standards. There is a buffet of loathsomeness here. While the scene where Liz gets molested in front of the entire VFW was bad, I say the film hit the bottom of the barrel during the first rape scene. Director Chris Robinson (not the guy from The Black Crowes) crossed the line when he edited a pair of humping dogs in with the attack. I mean there’s poor taste and there’s no taste. This scene is a case of the latter. It gives new meaning to the term, Doggystyle.
Although the film isn’t a whole heck of a lot of fun, the great supporting cast keeps you watching. In addition to Shelley Winters’ over-acting, you can enjoy western veterans Dub Taylor and Slim Pickens (playing yet another slow-witted sheriff) as two of the viler community members. I also dug the understated work of Cassidy. I had no idea that Lurch from The Addams Family was such a good actor.
AKA: Heartbreak Motel. AKA:
Synapse Films returns with their latest compilation of exploitation trailers. All of the trailers come from the folks at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin Texas, who know a thing or two about exploitation cinema. As with most compilations in this series, it has it’s share of faults (too many dumb trailers in the middle section), but it also happens to be a lot of fun. Out of the ever growing
The opening sets the tone perfectly for what’s to come. It’s a MPAA promo designed to explain the Ratings system and it’s hosted by none other than Charlton Heston! For some reason though, “Chuck” is delivering his lines from a tennis court. This only adds to the bizarreness.
First up is a chunk of Kung Fu previews. The highlights include: A Life of Ninja, The Bodyguard (“Viva Chiba!”), and Mad Monkey Kung Fu. The trailer that really needs to be seen is the one for Lucky Seven. It looks like The Little Rascals Take on the Mob. What’s so great about this trailer is that nearly all the kids look like they do their own stunts and take what looks to be a
After a few lame trailers we get into the 70’s sex genre with the likes of Danish Love Acts, Group Marriage, and Caged Virgins (AKA: Requiem for a Vampire). The highlight of these previews is Chatterbox (starring Candace Rialson from
Next up is a handful of trailers for Sci-Fi movies like Message from Space (which looks nuts), Mind Warp (AKA: Galaxy of Terror; a movie that pretty much rocks), and awesome looking Megaforce. (“The good guys always win… even in the 80’s!”) After a few ho-hum action trailers, we get to Stacey; a movie directed by Andy Sidaris that I’ve always wanted to see. Boy do I ever want to see it now! Some so-so trailers follow until we see a trio of black themed previews (Putney Swope,
Then comes a run of trailers that is definitely the crown jewels of the collection. These previews are all for family films of the 60’s and 70’s. If your sanity is intact after you see The Magic Christmas Tree and Pinocchio’s Birthday Party, you’re a strong individual. However, I guarantee the trailer for The Secret of Magic Island will be enough to make your head explode. It’s all about puppies and ducks fighting a “villainous space age monkey”. What’s even crazier is that the film’s stars are all played by real animals! Unbelievable!
I still say my favorite trailer is the one for Sorceress. It has everything you could possibly want in a movie. Topless Kung Fu fighting twins, magic, monkey men, zombies, giant space griffins, witches, barbarians, imps, and even more. Vol. 5 also features vintage ads for air-conditioned theaters, BBQ, coming attractions, shrimp rolls, and hot dogs too so you aren’t constantly bombarded with nothing but trailers. Hopefully Synapse will put the
After a pretty cool opening credits sequence, we get to see Bruce Lee in a couple of candid scenes signing autographs while a narrator tells us how great he was and stuff. Next we see him in four sepia tone vignettes from movies he appeared in as a child. Then footage of his funeral is shown. It’s here where we stop seeing anything remotely resembling the “Real” Bruce Lee.
When the brief summary of Bruce’s life is over, the narrator tells us that Bruce Lee imitators started popping up because “Imitation is the highest form of flattery”. We see Bruce Li in a couple poorly pasted together scenes from various films (one of which is the pathetic Bruce Lee Against Supermen) and then Dragon Lee does some Kung Fu. From then on, the whole movie is just a random Dragon Lee film.
I have to admit that I did enjoy seeing Bruce Lee’s legend crassly exploited during the opening segments, even if the scenes of Young Bruce ran on a bit long. I would’ve loved it if the film had explored the Bruce Lee imitator phenomenon a bit further, but alas the flick switches over to another Kung Fu movie before that can happen. It’s as if the producers had short Bruce Lee documentary and no idea how to market it so they just slapped it on the front of an unreleased Kung Fu flick. The audience would note that the running time was 100 minutes and figure that they were in for a really thorough documentary. Actually, the documentary portion of the film is only thirty minutes and Dragon Lee movie runs about seventy.
The Kung Fu flick that’s tacked onto the end is extremely slow to start but once it gets going, it’s not bad. It’s all about a
The Dragon Lee portion of the flick offers little variation on the whole warring karate schools clichés. Despite a tedious beginning (which is actually the middle of the “movie”), the action is more or less non-stop in the third act. The villains have some pretty cool gadgets too. One guy has a sword that extends out five feet from the hilt and another dude uses a pair of deadly hubcaps. Other than that, the flick is little more than your standard issue chopsocky bullhonkey. There is a good (albeit slightly censored) gut-ripping scene at the end though.
If the Dragon Lee movie was all there was to watch, I don’t think I would’ve minded. If the Bruce Lee documentary was all there was to watch, I don’t think I would’ve minded. The fact that they’re both Frankensteined together so haphazardly definitely costs the film major points. Otherwise, it’s a marginal recommendation; just Buyer Beware there's very little of the "Real" Bruce Lee to be found.
AKA: Bruce Lee: The Little Dragon. AKA: The Young Bruce Lee.
Ms. Peterson (Julie Ange) comes to a small town high school to teach sex education. A lot of people don’t like that too much, particularly a greasy pornographer, because Ms. Peterson threatens his “business” of selling dirty pictures to school kids. Meanwhile, one of her students, Arlene (Arlene Farber from Female Animal) is upset that her jock boyfriend won’t marry her so she fakes being pregnant. Arlene’s dad becomes furious and thinks the Sex Ed teacher should be fired, so he calls an emergency PTA meeting. Arlene eventually fesses up and Ms. Peterson's name is cleared, but not until she shows everyone an “educational” film strip showcasing the actual birth of a baby.
Jerry Gross, producer of such classics as I Spit on Your Grave, I Drink Your Blood, and Zombie wrote and directed this landmark in exploitation entertainment. In terms of a movie, Teenage Mother ain’t much. It’s slow paced and far too much of the flick is padded with useless scenes of teens dancing and drag racing. As a piece of exploitation showmanship, it deserves it’s place in schlock history. Gross was smart enough to know that people would sit through an hour of After School Special crap just to see 3 minutes of disgusting “clinical” birthing footage. (Plus, movies like this were the only place you could see full-on vag.) Gross even put together a great ad campaign (“Teenage Mother Means Nine Months of Trouble!”) that had nothing to do with the actual movie. I mean Arlene doesn’t even get pregnant… what a rip-off!
That’s OK though because the birthing scene is appropriately disgusting. As someone who has watched a lot of birthing movies lately as part of his parenting class, I can attest that obstetrics have come a long way in 42 years. This clinical footage looks about as clinical as Faces of Death (or maybe Let Me Die a Woman). Not only does the doctor use some medieval looking forceps, but he also performs a hasty episiotomy (the cutting of the vagina) as well. All this and you get an extremely youthful Fred (Best in Show) Willard popping up as the high school coach.
Teenage Mother is pretty worthless but the birthing stuff is guaranteed to make you want to upchuck in your shorts. One Star for the lame-o “plot”, Three Stars for the baby coming out of a bloody cooch. That makes a Two Star average.
Cult movie producers Michael and Robert Findlay, the people responsible for the immensely enjoyable “Flesh Trilogy” bought an obscure Argentinean biker flick (called “The Slaughter”) and re-dubbed it, re-edited it, and re-named it Snuff. Then they tacked on a new gory ending and tried to pass it off on the public as a “real” snuff movie. The results were kinda weak but thanks to a great advertising campaign, Snuff, went on to become one of the most notorious exploitation movies of all time.
The “plot” follows a Manson like cult leader named Satan (it’s pronounced “Sah-Tan”) who gets a bunch of hippie biker chicks to do his bidding. Satan has his sights set on a cute pregnant actress (shades of Sharon Tate) who he wants sacrificed. After the biker babes murder the poor chick, a director yells “Cut” and things switch over to the “real” world of a movie studio. The “director” then entices his “actress” (who is clearly not the same broad from the biker movie we’ve been watching for the last 70 minutes) to stick around the set. He then proceeds to torture and murder her while the crew films everything.
To me, Snuff is one of those movies you’d have to watch while under the spell of the marketing campaign to get the full effect. I mean have you tried to watch The Blair Witch Project years later after all the media hoopla died down? It sucks. But, if you caught it in the theater during the height of Blair Witch Mania, you have to admit it worked. Snuff is kinda like that. 33 years after the fact, you already know this isn’t real. However, if you saw the flick during its original run, you might’ve entered the theater asking yourself, “is it or isn’t it real”, which coulda been fun.
I didn’t hate the movie really. The biker portion of the flick (7/8 of the film’s running time) was OK I guess. I mean it featured hilarious fake “Born to Be Wild” music, foot slicing, back stabbing, grandmas dying in slow motion, severed hands, a pregnant woman getting stabbed in the belly, and a bunch of hippie chicks getting naked and frolicking in a pond; so it’s not like it was unwatchable or anything.
The “Snuff” scene isn’t particularly bad either, it just loses a lot of its intended impact because we already know it’s fake. This scene is gory to be sure. It features the girl’s fingers and hands getting cut off and she even gets her guts ripped out too. It’s pretty cool and stuff but the blood looks too much like Ragu to be realistic.
The flick moved too slow and probably featured one too many useless characters and/or flashbacks for it to have really worked. I must say though that the atrociously dubbed dialogue was good for a couple laughs. (Wait until you hear the little girl whose voice sounds like it was dubbed by Mr. Bill.) I also enjoyed hearing the familiar voices of the Findlays numerous times playing different characters. Of all the laughable lines, my favorite had to be: “Pig! Filthiest of all animals! I will cut out your heart and feed it to the dogs!”
AKA: American Cannibale. AKA: The Slaughter.
A stripper on her way to her latest gig gets kidnapped by some bozos at the airport. They take her out to the desert where she escapes in her underwear. While eluding capture, the stripper often finds time to bathe naked in a stream and daydream about taking her clothes off. Meanwhile, the owner of the strip club is worried because she hasn’t showed up, so he puts a lot of dancing girls in her place (one of which dresses like an Indian). Just when the kidnapper looks like he’s catching up to the ditzy dancer, an escaped sideshow geek jumps in and kills him. The lecherous freak then pursues the chick to an amusement park where she hides in the Wild Mouse rollercoaster. The geek chases after the gal but comes to an untimely end when he gets ran over by the Wild Mouse car.
Passion in the Sun is a mostly dull nudie flick made up of boring striptease routines. The “plot” stuff is nothing but stupid chase scenes that are accompanied by some of the worst incidental music I’ve ever heard. The reason I sorta dug it was because the final Wild Mouse chase is awesome. When I was growing up, there was a Wild Mouse ride at our local amusement park that sat dormant for what seemed liked forever. Supposedly that was because someone died on it. Just the thought that somebody could die on something that was intended to be fun kinda fucked me up as a kid and turned me off rollercoasters for a long time. Seeing the old Wild Mouse ride (and more importantly the ominous looking mascot) in its heyday sparked a bunch of childhood nostalgia for me that no doubt added an extra ½ * or two to my review. (Seeing someone getting killed on said coaster was pretty cool too.) If of course you don’t share me enthusiasm for ancient amusements of a bygone era and are watching this thing for its intended arousal purposes, you’re going to be severely disappointed.
AKA: Passion of the Sun. AKA: The Girl and the Geek.
When’s the last time you saw a good pubic hair eating scene in a movie?
I don’t know either. What I do know is that SS Hell Camp has the definitive pubic hair eating scene I’ve ever seen. Let me give you the set-up: This hot Nazi doctor creates a Beast Dude in the laboratory whose sole purpose in life is to rape virgins in order to propagate the Aryan bloodline. After raping about a half dozen or so virgins in the flick, Beast Dude gets bored and RIPS OUT A CHICK’S PUBIC HAIR FROM IT’S ROOTS AND EATS IT!!!
I’m sure Spielberg is kicking himself he didn’t put THAT into Schindler’s List.
Why the hot Nazi doctor created Beast Dude is beyond me. His scientific purpose is never clearly explained (other than the usual “Master Race” stuff that is). All I know is that whenever he’s on screen, he delivers some of the finest Nazi-Experiment-Mutant-Raping-A-Virgin-T
Had the movie been all about the hot Nazi doctor and Beast Dude, SS Hell Camp may have been the best Nazi movie ever made. What cripples the movie is the tedious subplot involving some “bumpkin” freedom fighters who try to stop the Nazis. All of this stuff is about as much fun as watching your dog lick it’s own dick.
Where the movie really comes to life is the experiment and torture scenes. There are the standard issue Nazi stuff like rats eating people, whipping, and electrodes to the genitals but SS Hell Camp also delivers a great scene where SS officers toss a baby up in the air and shoot it like a tin can and a classic scene in which a German general shoves a gun up chick’s hoo-ha and pulls the trigger. Whenever the flick cuts back to the idiotic resistance fighters it becomes excruciatingly dull and lifeless.
SS Hell Camp is no Caligula Reincarnated as Hitler, that’s for damn sure but it’s not bad as far as these Naziploitation flicks go. The scenes of Beast Dude humping get Four Stars and the useless resistance fighters scenes are worth No Stars. Since the flick features the best pubic hair eating scene in history, I’m going to give it an extra Half Star, which leaves it with: ** ½.
The horny general gets the best line of the flick when he tells the concubine/resistance spy, “You’re an obscene whore… that’s what you are!”
AKA: Horrifying Experiments of the SS Last Days. AKA: SS Experiment Part 2. AKA: The Beast in Heat.
Secrets of Sweet Sixteen consists of a bunch of tenuously connected vignettes that involve young girls getting themselves into compromising sexual situations. Before the titles even come up we see two hot gals completely disrobe to distract a would-be child molester just long enough for the cops to arrive and cart him off. The next sequence involves a young girl who throws herself at her mom’s beau. She ends up not wanting to go all the way, so he rapes her. Weirdly enough we’re later told that “mother and daughter became the best of friends”! The third story involves a swinging dude arranging for his virgin roommate to get laid by the insanely hot Christina (Thriller: A Cruel Picture) Lindberg. The following segment is all about the postmaster’s horny daughter who fucks in the post office. Her boyfriend stamps her butt with “Return to Sender” and when her dad sees it, he gets furious. He thinks some idiot mailman is responsible and he chases him around Benny Hill style. The final segment is all about a Satanic cult who buys a virgin who is willing to be sacrificed. Her fiancée finds out and he and his tough-talking Sicilian friends try to stop the ceremony. Little do they know that the Satanists moonlight as professional wrestlers (!) and are ready for a fight.
This nutty flick was directed by Ernst Hofbauer, the guy who did all of those Schoolgirl Report films. If you’ve seen any of those movies, then you pretty much know what to expect. What makes Secrets of Sweet Sixteen different is that Hofbauer more or less ditches the whole “documentary” angle and is content to just give us a disjointed skin flick with little to no explanation as to how it’s all connected.
The stories themselves aren’t much to brag about. The first one is pretty skeevy, the second doesn’t have much of a payoff, and the third doesn’t really go anywhere. The fourth story is probably the best because it has the most “plot”, although I did enjoy the last episode too. Just seeing those professional wrestling Satanists do battle with irate Italian-Americans was… different to say the least.
The stories really don’t matter though; it’s the sexy stuff that counts. Based on that rationale, Secrets of Sweet Sixteen gets a solid Three Star rating from me. There was enough face-sucking and nipple-gobbling for me to recommend it. Also, Christina Lindberg looks hot and is mostly topless throughout her limited screen time. I do have to deduct a Half Star for the gratuitous scene (featured in the second story) involving a bunch of fat, old, naked ladies lounging around in a spa. These broads are not “Sweet”, and they sure as shit aren’t “Sixteen”. Other than that, the flick was fairly decent.
Lindberg also starred in Schoolgirl Report 4 for Hofbauer.
AKA: What Schoolgirls Don’t Tell.
Joel M. (Bloodsucking Freaks) Reed made his directorial debut with this ho-hum skin flick. Porn legend Georgina Spelvin stars as a fake doctor (who has a phony shock of white hair to make her look old) that acts as an on screen narrator and tells us all about people who advertise in dirty magazines for sex. She informs us on advertisements for S & M (pliers to the earlobe, soldering iron to the nipples, electroshock treatments, etc.), masked orgies (kinda like in Eyes Wide Shut), “bird watching” (voyeurism), and sleazy casting couch producers. We also learn about people who use sex advertisements to scam their potential clients; including (but not limited to) con artists who use Lonely Hearts columns to fleece lovesick losers and white slavers who place ads for “nannies”.
Reed films everything in a pseudo Mondo movie style and that helps up to a certain point. At first seeing people place sexy ads is kinda funny (think Craigslist: The Movie) but after awhile, the flick gets stale and it ultimately fails to live up to its early promise. It also doesn’t help that most of the girls look like a deer in headlights and often look directly at the camera. And although Spelvin gets a lot of screen time, sadly she doesn’t get naked
Sex by Advertisement isn’t very sexy but it is good for an unintentional chuckle or two. Most of the segments though are just interchangeable and boring; and bored is the last thing you want to be while watching a skin flick. Reed returned the next year with the slightly better Career Bed.
A loathsome stage mother (Honey Hunter) will do whatever it takes to make her luscious daughter Susan (future porn star Jennifer Welles) a star. When Susan’s boyfriend comes and tries to elope with her, Mom promptly seduces him so she won’t have anything to do with him. She also arranges for Susan to go on dates with slimy agents but won’t let them go all the way with her until she gets a contract. Finally, Mom trades Susan’s virginity so she can have a screen test. In the end, Susan gets fed up with Mother and finally stands up for herself.
I know awhile back I told you that you should kill me if I ever rented another Something Weird movie from Netflix but I kinda forgot this one was on my Queue. As it turns out, it’s not halfway bad. Although it’s clunky and doesn’t know when to wrap things up, it definitely has its moments. What puts Career Bed a notch or two above most Something Weird sex flicks from the 60’s is the twisted mother-daughter relationship. The scenes where Mommy cruelly manipulates her would-be starlet daughter are pretty memorable and give the flick SOMETHING to hang the stilted sex scenes on.
I think a lot of credit must be given to writer/director Joel M. Reed. He really wrote some truly hateful dialogue (“If you say you love her, I’ll vomit!”) and knows how to put his characters in degrading predicaments. If he only focused as much attention on the sex scenes as he did on the plot; Career Bed could’ve been a contender. I’m willing to give him a Mulligan on it though because it was still early in his career. (Reed went on to direct the immortal Bloodsucking Freaks nine years later.)
The performances are better than the film deserves. Hunter is suitably nasty as the bitchy mother and Welles plays the innocent virgin nicely. In addition to Welles, you should also get a kick out of seeing a young Georgina Spelvin four years before she starred in the classic Devil in Miss Jones. Their sex scene together is the best of the bunch. Spelvin also appeared in Reed’s Sex by Advertisement the previous year.
Jack Nicholson stars as a hippie named Stoney who along with a couple of pals (biker movie staple Adam Roarke and The Mack’s Max Julien) helps a deaf girl named Jenny (Susan Strasberg) find her drop-out acid-head brother (Bruce Dern). Another hippie (Dean Stockwell) gives Jenny a powerful form of LSD called STP and it causes her to trips balls and wander around
So basically the whole movie is just a bunch of stoned out of their gourd hippies looking for other stoned out of their gourd hippies.
I have a low tolerance for hippies as it is so the soft focus scenes of hippies frolicking around while being high as a kite didn’t do much for me. The barest minimum of plot didn’t help matters any either and the hippie characters were all thinly sketched. The cheesy kaleidoscopic faux trip sequences were pretty annoying and mostly just served to pad the running time. Also, the random ass downbeat ending is more or less just there to remind you that “Drugs are bad”. (The flick was produced by Dick Clark after all; not the kind of guy who would condone illegal substances.)
The music is also pretty lame. At one point Jack plays some fake Jimi Hendrix music; which is kinda hilarious. Oh well, at least you get to hear Strawberry Alarm Clock sing “Incense and Peppermints” two years before they were in Russ Meyer’s Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.
The only real reason to watch this flick (unless you’re an old hippie trying to remember what the heck happened in the 60’s) is the cast. Nicholson (who also helped concoct the story) is decent in the starring role and it’s funny just to see him wearing a ponytail. Psych-Out may reek of hippie bullshit, I still say any movie that features Nicholson, Dern, AND Stockwell is worth checking out at least once. I also had fun spotting future directors Henry Jaglom, Bud Cardos, and Robert Kelljan in small roles as well.
There is one great scene however. It comes when Jaglom takes a bunch of acid and has a major freakout and imagines all of his friends are zombies. Then he tries to hack off his own hand with a band saw. If director Richard (The Stunt Man) Rush put a couple more of these cool touches into the flick, Psych-Out might’ve kicked a little ass. Unfortunately, it’s just kinda whatever. Rush also directed Hell's Angels on Wheels the previous year, which featured a lot of the same people.
I love character actor Timothy (Glen or Glenda) Farrell and I love women’s wrestling, so it should come as no surprise to you that I dig Racket Girls. It’s slow moving and pretty stupid but it features plenty of scenes of Farrell being smug and seedy as well as lots and lots of footage of women wrestling, so what’s not to like?
Farrell plays Umberto Scalli, a greasy racketeer who uses a wrestling gymnasium as a front for his various underworld dealings. He hires a vibrant new wrestler named Peaches Page (who plays herself) who instantly falls for Scalli. When Scalli wants the reigning champ Clara Mortensen to throw her big match against Rita Martinez, Clara gets upset and refuses because wrestling is the only “clean” sport left. After Scalli blows the whistle on “Mr. Big”, he finds himself on the run from both the gangsters AND the police.
Now a lot of people will say that Racket Girls has far too many scenes of women putting each other into headlocks and writhing around. Not me. I couldn’t get enough of these dated scenes of women rassling. Sure, these women might not be GLOW girls (some of them are downright butch) but they can definitely throw down.
Most of the gals may be pretty rough looking but Peaches is kinda cute and definitely has a smattering of star presence. I absolutely loved the gratuitous training scene where the jiggly Peaches jogged, jumped rope, and tossed a medicine ball around. It’s Farrell who steals the show though. His scenery chewing turn is the best thing about the flick and keeps you watching throughout the film’s slower sections. Farrell also starred as the sleazy Scalli in The Devil’s Sleep and Dance Hall Racket.
Racket Girls has enough scenes of sexy sirens in strangleholds to put it on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of the Year for 1951 at the Number 7 spot, placing it in between
AKA: Blonde Pickup. AKA: Pin Down Girl. AKA: Pin Down Girls. AKA: Wrestling Racket Girls.
A bunch of bisexual bitches sit around on a sofa and have a lot of sex. Then they plan a bank robbery before engaging in more fornication. After successfully committing the robbery, they retreat home where they start up an orgy with a couple of strangers. When one of the girls' boyfriends (who just so happens to work at the bank) threatens to go to the cops, they hogtie him, scald his feet with a red hot screwdriver and then stick his fingers in a toaster!
The Girl from Pussycat is a veritable carnal rollercoaster. The gals have sex with their boyfriends (or each other) like every five minutes or so, so the flick definitely isn’t boring. Even though the girls aren’t really lookers or anything, they certainly aren’t ashamed to crassly show off their bodies so I couldn’t really complain too much.
I can’t say it’s a “good” movie though. For all of the scads of nudity found in The Girl from Pussycat, none of it is particularly titillating. Most of the sex scenes are flatly staged and seemingly go on forever. On top of that, none of the actresses really possessed that va-va-voom needed to make Little Mitchie happy. So overall, it’s a pretty mixed bag.
While I was watching this flick my wife said, “Why the Hell do you watch these Something Weird Double Features? You know they’re never any damn good.” I’m starting to agree with her. This flick wasn’t too bad but the other movie on the disc; Kitten in a Cage was the pits. So henceforth, I’m putting a momentary moratorium on all Something Weird movies. If you see me attempting to put a Something Weird disc in my DVD player (except if it’s a certified classic like Basket Case, Blood Feast, or Johnny Firecloud or something like that), by all means report me to the proper authorities.
A chick named Julie (Miriam Eliot) escapes from a mental ward with no memory of how she got there. She thumbs a ride home with some schmo and then calls her boss who takes her to a strip club to refresh her memory. We eventually learn that Julie actually knows the location of some stolen jewels that’s worth about a million bucks and that some unsavory dudes want to get their grubby hands on the jewels and Julie.
I think that’s what happened anyway. Man, this is one muddled and under-plotted skinflick, so it’s kinda hard to tell. The biggest problem with Kitten in a Cage is that the audience never really knows what the fuck is going on throughout the entire movie. Sometimes this is a good thing, like if Christopher Nolan or David Lynch is directing the flick, because at the end there’s some sort of payoff. Since this flick was directed by the no-name never-was Robert MacLeod, none of this remotely works. At one point Julie says, “There are so many loose ends”. That pretty much sums everything up.
Kitten in a Cage put me to sleep in record time last night and it still took me two more tries tonight to successfully work my way through this turd. Never in my life would I have thought that a 79 minute movie would be “too long”. Here’s proof. The plot is paper thin (although that’s really an insult to paper) and the painful running time is padded with decidedly unsexy footage of horse-faced strippers. Combine that with the molasses pacing, terrible acting, non-existent production values, and horribly looped dialogued and sound effects; and you’ve got yourself one truly shitty flick. I did like the lesbian massage scene though.
AKA: Kitten in the Cage.
The first scene of Bruce Lee’s Deadly Kung Fu really got my blood pumping. It’s totally badass and all kinds of awesome. Although the rest of the movie never quite lived up to the opening scene, it still put this flick a notch or two or three above most of the Bruceploitation flicks I’ve been watching lately.
The scene I’m referring to plays a lot like a Kung Fu version of Waiting. Bruce (Bruce Li) is a waiter who gets his dim-witted best friend to bus his table for him. When the jackass customers trip him, he drops the dishes and cuts himself. Bruce goes over to the table to see what’s wrong and the customers slap him around a bit. Bruce then heads back to the kitchen and puts a ton of black pepper in their food. Then the guys get all pissed at him and try to fight him but Bruce naturally mops the floor with them.
See, I’m a waiter by trade so I could really identify with this scene. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t ever felt the urge to karate kick an asshole customer in the face. This scene was the bitch’s tits so I thought I was in store for a classic of martial arts cinema. As the film progressed it became apparent that it was just going to be a solid Kung Fu movie, no more, no less. After a great first 25 minutes or so, the flick pretty much settled down into the routine Good Karate School vs.
There were parts of the film that showed signs of holding to its early promise though. The best non-customer ass kicking scene came when the bad guy’s flamboyantly gay henchman, “San Francisco Iron Fist Man” got the snot kicked out of him by Bruce. Other than that, it was business as usual. The competent fight choreography and lots of action kept me from totally losing interest, and I liked seeing Carter (Big Trouble in Little China) Wong in a dignified supporting role. The movie really belongs to Bruce Li though. The man can ape the real Bruce like no one else and his considerable screen presence helped anchor the flick.
AKA: A Dragon Story. AKA: Bruce Lee’s Secret. AKA: Bruce Li’s Jeet Kune Do. AKA: He’s a Legend, He’s a Hero. AKA: Master of Jeet Kune Do. AKA: Story of the Dragon. AKA: Wing Chun Big Brother.
A secret society of lesbians called the Daughters of Lesbos throw a dinner party where they each relate how they came to be Sapphic sisters. The first chick got dosed with a date-rape drug laced with Spanish Fly by some skeevy perv before swearing off men forever. The second gal masturbated all the time before hooking up with her summer camp counselor. The next broad picked up a female Flower Power hitchhiker who was into Free Love. The last girl was also raped by a man but she at least had the guts to get revenge by cutting off a very sensitive area of his anatomy.
Despite the promising set-up, Daughters of Lesbos isn’t a whole lot of fun. What bugged me about this flick was that the sex scenes (which comprises about ¾ of the film’s running time) were all boring and not very erotic. They also suffered from a lack of variety (basically either the lesbians get raped or the lesbians play with dildos) and poor editing. The silver lining to that cloud was that unlike some 60’s skin flicks, this one shows a lot of bush.
I really wish that Daughters of Lesbos had focused more on the revenge aspects of the plot instead of being little more than just a series of flashbacks. The fact that there was no sound, only the female narrator’s voice also irked me too. Still, she does get some great dialogue like, “She was forever the butch!”
AKA: Dominique in Daughters of
George Weiss, the man who bankrolled Glen or Glenda produced this brazenly politically incorrect “expose” on lesbianism. Any modern day lesbian watching this archaic “documentary” will surely be offended. Fans of dated exploitation junk (like me) should get a few laughs out of it.
The film starts out with a concerned narrator giving us statistics about lesbians (some of which are repeated in order to pad the running time out to an hour long) while we see a bunch of people walking in and out of supposed gay bars. Then in filmed segments, the audience is treated to scenes of a lesbian photographer coaxing her comely models out of their lingerie. The biggest chunk of the flick is devoted to a young lesbian’s “Coming Out Party” which culminates in her getting gang-banged by a group of “butch” women.
The funniest thing about Chained Girls is that it thinks words like “dyke”, “bull dyke”, “butch”, and “baby butch” are real scientific terms. The off screen narrator also gets some laughs just because he’s so damn over earnest about the whole thing. I also liked how most of the “documentary” scenes were just captured by the director sticking the camera out of the car window at random passersby. (Ah yes the days when you could film a documentary and didn’t have to leave your car.)
Sadly, the laughs dry up around the second half when the documentary scenes give way to the scripted ones. It’s then when the film starts to lose its Ed Wood-ian charm and becomes downright dull. Oh, and we never once get to see the girls chained to something. Bummer.
AKA: Caged Girls.
Howard (Robert Gribben) is a nerdy mama’s boy that drives around in his work van and picks up ugly dumpy-looking chicks hitchhiking. Initially Howard seems tame enough, but whenever the girls mention that they are running away from their mothers, he snaps and proceeds to rape and strangle them. Russell (The Professor!) Johnson stars as the caring cop who tries to bring the sicko to justice.
Although Hitch Hike to Hell sounds promising at first, it features way too much tease and not enough sleaze. The main problem is that the girls are all dogs. Words just cannot describe how hideous these chicks look. Luckily, most of them do show off their racks, so that’s a good thing.
The film is largely a failure because Irvin (The Monster of Piedras Blancas) Berwick directed it without an iota of tension. All the attacks are more or less the same and most of the violence happens off screen. Berwick does deliver a pretty funny scene when a gay guy hitches a ride with the killer, but for the most part, Hitch Hike to Hell is just one long monotonous bore. There is a great country & western title song that you have to hear to believe. That thing is freakin’ hilarious. It says a lot though when a country song is the best part of your sexploitation movie.
Gribben fares OK as the hitchhiker hating geek and adequately displays his character’s psychotic tendencies. Johnson is fun to watch in his brief role, even though he looks like he’d rather be taking a three hour cruise. His presence lends the flick it’s only sliver of credibility, so I hope he was at least well paid for his services.
Folks, you get not one, but THREE ersatz Bruce Lees fighting side by side by side in this ludicrous Bruceploitation action flick from legendary sleaze merchant Dick (Pieces) Randall. There’s Bruce (Challenge of the Tiger) Le (my personal favorite of the dozens of Bruce Lee imitators), Dragon (
The British Special Branch of Intelligence acquires Bruce Lee’s corpse and hires a nutty scientist to make three clones. The first clone is sent undercover as a Kung Fu actor to stop a movie director who dabbling in gold smuggling. When the director learns that his new star is a clone working for the government, he plans to kill him on camera so he can “capitalize on his death for years after this picture comes out!” Meanwhile, the other two clones are sent to bring down the diabolical Doctor Nye who is perfecting an army of men made out of bronze. After finishing up their respective missions, the clones return home, only do have the deranged scientist force them to fight each other to the death.
There’s so much bizarre stuff going on in this flick that it would break the Goofy Meter. First off, the three clones of Bruce Lee don’t look nothing like each other and only bare the smallest resemblance to Bruce himself. (Le comes the closest of the bunch.)
Next, let’s talk about the so-called “Bronze Men" for a second. These guys are supposed to be living bronze statues but they’re really nothing more than a couple of guys that are covered in gold spray tan that wear diapers. At one point, the bronze paint rubs off onto one of the clone’s white pants! Unbelievable. To top it off, they die by eating poisoned plants!!! The sight of fake Bruce Lees shoving fistfuls of grass into bronzed diaper-wearing dude’s mouths is one that will stick with me for a long time. And just wait until you hear the “metallic” sound effects that were added in whenever they get punched.
In addition to all that, the scientist’s computer just looks just like a giant Simon game. Also, there is a completely gratuitous (but wholly worthwhile) scene where half dozen naked women emerge from the ocean and try to rape one of the Bruces. There are also a couple of laugh-out-loud training montages that feature music that was blatantly stolen from Rocky and The Warriors!
While it may seem like this is leading up to a Four Star review, nothing could be further from the truth. While I liked seeing all this insane mishmash for about an hour or so, eventually The Clones of Bruce Lee runs out of goofy momentum and starts getting a bit monotonous after awhile. Mostly, it seemed like two different Kung Fu flicks edited together with the hilarious cloning subplot tacked onto the beginning and end to justify the crazy ass title. In all fairness though, somebody gets the living bejabbers Kung Fued out of them about every eight minutes or so, so the movie has got that going for it.
As Bruceploitation movies go, it doesn’t reach the precedence of jaw-dropping insanity set by The Dragon Lives Again (you know, the one where Bruce Lee went to Hell and teamed up with Popeye to fight Dracula, James Bond, and Clint Eastwood), but there are certainly scads of worse Fake Bruce flicks you could waste your time with. (Cough, cough; Fist of Fear, Touch of Death; cough, cough.)
Christina (Thriller: A Cruel Picture) Lindberg's massive mammaries ought to be named a national Swedish monument. She shows off those immaculate puppies over a dozen times in this so-so Scandanavian skin flick. If you're a fan of Christina, you'll definitely wanna check this flick out, if only to see her bare her beautiful breasts over and over again.
The plot has Christina playing this coy schoolgirl with a boring boyfriend named Jan. Actually, the shy schoolgirl act is just a front for her more dubious activities. In reality, she's a plaything for a rich sleazeball named Helge who makes her have sex with his swinging party guests. When Christina tries to leave Helge and makes a fresh start with Jan, Helge shows up with some incriminating photos of her and threatens to put a damper on her promising future.
What totally pissed me off about this movie is that Christina will be doing something really kinky or dirty and then we find out it was all a daydream. She'll be getting slapped around by her boyfriend or be getting raped while hitchhiking and just when it really starts getting good, Christina will snap out of it and go back to whatever it was she was doing. (This is especially cruel during the scene where Helge skillfully ties her up and fucks her.) This daydreaming bullshit eats up the entire first act of the film and it takes a half an hour for the whole blackmail "plot" to kick in.
There was also a particularly WTF moment near the end of the film when Christina and Jan go to see a Tarzan movie. For the next two minutes of screen time, we see a scene from the Tarzan movie in it's entirety. Not just clips or a brief moment or two. THE WHOLE FUCKING SCENE! (Complete with Swedish subtitles!) Way to pad the running time to the 90 minute mark!
Sure, I got a lot of complaints about this movie. That's OK though because Christina gets naked a whole heck of a lot in it. I don't care if she daydreamed the whole thing (which I'm pretty sure she did since the ending is one of those ambiguous deals), as long as Christina was showing off that dynamite figure of hers, the movie was at least doing SOMETHING right.
AKA: The Depraved. AKA: Diary of a Rape.
A black chick named Venus (Josephine Jacqueline Jones) provides the inspiration for a down and out sculptor to create a statue of her likeness. They fall in love but he gets all belligerent on her when she starts bringing home the bread and paying the rent while he's doing his starving artist thing. So Venus goes out and becomes a total slut. First thing she does is become a "companion" to a rich old MILF who likes to buy her stuff and fuck her. Venus gets pissed though when her hubby comes home and wants her to become his plaything too, so she splits. She ends up being a high class hooker who gets sold outright to some rich art critic who has a grudge against her ex-boyfriend. To really piss him off, he also steals the statue of Venus too. In the end, the drunken artist comes barging in to the art critic's house with a loaded gun to get Venus back. But which one does he want more; the flesh and blood Venus, or the statue?
As a young and impressionable lad, I used to stay up late and secretly watch Skinamax. A lot. It was such a bad habit that the first day we'd receive the cable guide in the mail, I'd immediately sit down and memorize the "After Dark" line-up for the month. Any movie that was listed as having AS (Adult Situations), SSC (Strong Sexual Content), and of course N (Nudity) was fair game for little Mitchie's late night viewing. One flick I remember seeing quite frequently (at least the dirty parts that is) was Black Venus. When I saw that it was on Netflix, I felt a wave of nostalgia fall over me. I quickly moved the flick to the top of my Queue and waited impatiently for it to come in the mail so I could take a walk back down memory lane. Plus, I would be able to watch the movie during the early evening without turning the sound down real low so my parents wouldn't hear me.
As it turns out, Black Venus is more of a Harlequin Romance novel come to life than a down-and-dirty skin flick. The filmmakers put on heirs that they're actually making a "real" movie and fill the flick with a heck of a lot of plot. Also, the costumes and period setting are lavish (not quite Titanic, but substantial for this sort of thing), which kinda gets in the way of all of the softcore fucking. Having said that though, there's some softcore fucking just about every five minutes or so, so you can't really call it "boring" or anything. Too bad most of the scenes aren't very hot though. There are quite a few lesbian scenes in there; so if you're a fan of girl-on-girl stuff, you might want to give it an additional star.
Special Note: This movie was written by a guy named "Honored Balzac", which has to be the greatest name for a writer ever; especially for a guy who writes Skinamax flicks.
The disheveled artist dude gets the best line of the movie when he says, "Red wine... to take away the blues!"
A poor British couple rent a room from a skeevy old scarred up landlady and her demented dwarf son in a rundown part of town. They're totally unaware that the mother and son duo keep a trio of naked junkie hookers locked up in the attic and that the lecherous little person spies on them while they make love. Naturally, the dwarf and his fugly mama set their sights on turning the cute Brit chick into their newest playmate.
I more or less dug The Sinful Dwarf but there was something missing that I just couldn't put my finger on. Sure, the flick had more than it's share of sleaze. The film was certainly ripe with scenes where smacked out naked heroin hookers got their brains balled out by indifferent johns and the scene where the titular dwarf got downright sinful on the helpless chained up housewife was quite the crowd pleaser. There was also a great part where a drug dealer named Santa Claus smuggles heroin inside of teddy bears!
As great as all of this sounds, I just can't quite give The Sinful Dwarf the full Three Stars treatment. Maybe it's because of the stiff acting from the bland romantic leads. Maybe it's because of the endless scenes where the dwarf's mother dresses up and sings like Marlene Dietrich and Carmen Miranda. Maybe it's because of the way that the filmmakers crassly exploited the diminutive dude's handicap. Maybe it was a combination of all three. I don't know. Close, but no cigar. Still, if you're watching this flick under the sole auspices of seeing women stripped, chained up, shot up with junk, and balled (and yes, once by a dwarf), then this is definitely the movie for you.
AKA: Abducted Bride. AKA: Teenage Bride.
A bunch of dirty hippies have a party in an old barn where they dance endlessly and have sex. One girl almost gets raped by a dude and a meek birdwatcher steps in to save her. After the party, the hippie chick's car runs out of gas, and she (along with her redheaded lesbian pal) seeks shelter in the birdwatcher's home. It doesn't take too long to figure out that this guy has several screws loose and pretty soon, the girls become unwilling participants in the demented birdwatcher and his crone of a sister's bizarre sexual experiments. You see, this dude is looking for the perfect "Love Mate" and guess who he has in mind for his "research"? He also keeps stuffed naked chicks in his basement (previous research subjects who "resisted") that his hairy handyman constantly fondles. After being subjected to several experiments, the girls finally escape while the preserved hotties in the cellar return to life to get their revenge on the nutty birdwatcher. Incredibly, it all ends with more hippie dancing.
The scenes that take place "behind locked doors" at the house of the depraved birdwatcher are pretty good and feature a nice amount of nudity and sleaze. If there were more outlandish sex experiments and general nuttiness, the movie would've been a lot better. Then there are the scenes of non-stop hippie dancing. These scenes will probably cause you permanent brain damage. Seriously people, did we really need TWENTY SOLID MINUTES of dirty hippies shaking their groove things? I think not. Plus, the scene where the fat lustful birdwatcher (who looks like Henry Kissinger) oils himself up won't do your sanity any favors either. But look on the bright side folks, lots of girls get naked, so that's always a good thing in my book.
AKA: Any Body... Any Way. AKA: Behind Closed Doors. AKA: Then Came the Ecstasy.
If you've seen the Alex Rocco biker movie, The Wild Riders then you've pretty much seen this flick too. The plot is the same. Two greasy bikers force their way into a suburban home and molest a couple of housewives and force them to drink, party, and (of course) have some stinky biker sex. The fun stops though when hubby comes home early and grabs his shotgun.
I really wanted to like The Takers, but in the end, I just couldn't. Although the premise seems ideally sleazy and scummy, the execution leaves a lot to be desired. The bikers (who look like Jerry Reed and Colin Ferrell respectively) aren't very menacing and the housewives submit way too easily to their scuzzy needs. Also, the sex scenes go on FOREVER and are staged rather clumsily to boot. Honestly, if you're going to have a twenty-some minute sex scene, you might as well show it XXX style just to keep us from being bored.
Still, the flick is much better than The Wild Riders. I particularly liked the ending when the husband shows up and gets his "revenge". I'm not going to reveal what exactly happens, as it's one of the few truly worthwhile things about the picture; just know that it's pretty unexpected and even a bit "arty" too. The husband was played by none other than Booby Trap star Carl Monson, who also made his directing debut with this flick and would go on to direct the inane John Carradine thriller, Blood Legacy the next year.
The Jerry Reed looking biker gets the best line of the flick when he says, "Okay you classy cunts, who wants to party?"
A mentally deranged ex-military man (Carl Monson) buys some explosives and sets out to blow up a
Booby Trap, as the name implies, has quite a few boobies on display, enough at least to warrant Two Stars. The problem is that there is way too much plot going on in between the boobies. The main thrust (no pun intended) of the plot that involves the crazy dude trying to blow shit up is OK, but there are far too many unnecessary supporting characters that get in the way and bog the movie down. It almost seems like the movie is a little embarrassed to be a skin flick so it tries way too hard to pretend to be a "real" movie. I'm sure all of the actors tried to tell themselves they were acting in a "real" movie, which is fine, but the movie is called BOOBY Trap for God's sakes! Quit trying to "act" and show me some Booby already!
Another thing that annoyed me about this movie is that the previews for the flick (which are also on the DVD) show way more boobies than the movie itself. There are full-on close-ups of vag, cock shots, and near hardcore fucking in the trailers, all of which isn't present in the actual film. Talk about a rip-off. Still, there are plenty of boobies for the buck in Booby Trap, so I can't complain too much. Too bad nothing else in the flick is worth a damn.
Monson later went on to direct the immortal Please Don't Eat My Mother.
The gratuitous gay guy gets the best line of the movie when he says, "I'm not after your boyfriend's ass, I'm out to save my own!"
AKA: Ten Seconds to Murder. AKA: Young and Wild.
An art teacher stands around his class and narrates the movie while his students draw nude figure models. Finally after about twenty minutes of this, something of a plot appears as the art teacher's buddy from out of town moves in. The teacher gets him a gig photographing nude models and for another twenty minutes or so, we follow this guy around as he snaps some photos of a couple naked chicks. One of his models gets a paper cut, and he goes nuts when he sees the blood and strangles her before smashing her face in with a rock. Then another chick gets a nosebleed and he chokes and stabs her. After being caught (literally) red handed, the photographer wigs out and repeatedly stabs himself to death.
The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare lives up to it's title, but that's about it. At least ONE of the half dozen or so chicks is a beauty (the redhead... YOWZERS), the killer ends up all bloody in the end, and all the girls in the cast take their clothes off. So that's the good news. The bad news is that the movie is boring as Hell because it's more or less 50 minutes of nude modeling (in a chair, on a couch, in a bubble bath, etc.) and 15 minutes of murdering. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Naked chicks and psycho killers; so what's not to like? Well, if that's the ONLY reason you're picking this up, you might enjoy it. If non-stop 60's cheesecake pin-up girl modeling gets you hard, then add an extra star. For everyone else, the Two Star rating is strictly enforced.
AKA: Bloody, Bare, and Beautiful. AKA: The Beautiful and the Bloody.
A redneck moonshiner gets his kicks by “shucking” the corn of his freshly legal neighbor’s daughter Dolly (Sharon Kelly of Delinquent Schoolgirls fame). Since the moonshiner’s son Junior has a cow fucking problem, dear old dad figures that a roll in the hay with hottie Dolly will cure him of his farm animal inclinations. Unfortunately, Junior ties a bell around poor Dolly’s neck, makes her moo, and fucks her cow style. Afterwards, Pops beds down another red-headed cutie (Sandy Carey from Deep Jaws) and convinces her (along with her appropriately slutty sister) to give Junior a whirl in the sack and Junior promptly fizzles in bed due to premature ejaculation. In the end, Junior professes his love for Sassy Sue, the family cow and his folks take the news surprisingly well.
Sassy Sue is pretty funny and is a lot more consistently entertaining than director Bethel Buckalew’s similarly themed The Pig Keeper’s Daughter, which was released the same year. Unlike that film, the sex scenes in Sassy Sue are much more fun and feature a lot of variety. Besides the kinky scene where Kelly is made to moo like a cow, we also get some lesbian bathing, a couple of threeways, and some light S & M. The comic relief actually made me chuckle and the subplot about Pa making “custom made” toilet seats is a hoot.
I’m not saying that this flick is great; not by a long shot. The stuff that happens in between the sex is kinda dull and even though some of the shtick is sorta funny, it wears out its welcome pretty fast. What really makes Sassy Sue a (pubic) hair or two better than most of its type is the actresses. Both Kelly and Carey are extremely hot and get lots of opportunities to show off their fire crotches. Although I was a little disappointed that Kelly only stayed around for two scenes, she left a big impression on me (or at least my pants), so it was all good.
A grubby looking pig farmer wants to marry off his enormous breasted daughter Moonbeam (Terry Gibson). Most times though, Moonbeam can be seen rolling in the hay (literally) with the local stud who splits his time between boning Moonbeam and trying to get into the pants of the enormous breasted town virgin (Peggy Church). When a door-to-door salesman comes to the farm, Moonbeam’s enormous breasted mother (Gina Paluzzi) exchanges sexual favors with him in order to get all of his
The Pig Keeper’s Daughter is rife with sexual possibilities. There’s the over-sexed daughter, the curious virgin, the horny mother, the hitchhiking hooker, and the door-to-door salesman. The problem with the film is that while the set-ups to the sex scenes are all nicely staged, by the time we get to the sex itself, it’s pretty boring. The sex scenes go on FOREVER and aren’t very sexy to boot. It’s like telling the beginning of a joke flawlessly and then fumbling around the punchline for fifteen minutes.
Sure, all the girls have tremendous bustlines (nothing less than a D-Cup here) and show off their finely landscaped valleys, but all the sex is flatly choreographed and woefully padded out. The scads of nudity always helped to keep my attention; it just seems to me that filming the sex in real time was a bad idea. While I can’t say I really enjoyed the flick, since it features women with the biggest boobs I’ve seen outside of a Russ Meyer movie, it can’t be all that bad.
Director Bethel Buckalew also helmed the immortal Kiss Me Quick.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Japanese people are kinky! Female Prisoner: Caged comes from
With no plot and a scant running time, you’d think that Female Prisoner: Caged would be a classic. No, not really. None of the characters really stand out and while I do admit to getting a chub during one of the sex scenes, most of it wasn’t all that sexy. This movie also had a bizarre fetish about women expunging liquids from their va-jay-jay. In one scene a chick pisses on another girl who’s fingering her and in another, the heroine squirts out her lover’s jizz so that all the other prisoners can have some “Demon Sperm”. (I am not making this up.) Like I told you: Those Japanese are KINKY!
Sure Female Prisoner: Caged features lesbians, rape, mean guards, a bitchy warden and lots and lots of sex, but it drops the ball when it comes to the fundamental women-in-prison cliché: The Shower Scene. There are NO shower scenes in this movie! People, if you’re going to make a Women In Prison Movie, make a Women in Prison movie! Half-Star Deduction for no shower scene; but otherwise a decent flick.
AKA: The Prison Heat.
Stacey (Meg Myles) is a bitchy stripper who works at a carnival who steals $900 from her junkie ex and leaves the carny life behind her to head to the big city where she gets a job singing in an upscale nightclub. She sleeps her way to the top (or as close to the top as an ex-carny can get while working in a nightclub anyway) and leaves a lot of jealous men in her wake. Eventually, her no-good ex shows up with a knife looking for trouble and Stacey uses her super skank skills to elude him.
Satan in High Heels is a tepid soap opera parading around as a 60’s skin flick. It’s light on nudity (there’s an all too brief skinnydipping scene) and short on skuzzy thrills and probably wouldn’t give you a chub even if you just took a dozen pills of Viagra. Myles never quite lives up to her “Satan” moniker and isn’t very convincing at playing a sexpot; although she does get to belt out a great song called “The Female of the Species (Is Deadlier than the Male)”. Director Jerald Intrator later specialized in shooting “racy” insert scenes for imported horror movies like Night of the Bloody Apes and The Curious Dr. Humpp, but he really needed someone else to come in and shoot some steamy footage to spice up this dull turd of a film.
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