The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

TRIASSIC ATTACK (2010) * ½

A greedy land developer wants to bulldoze over a Native American gift shop so he can expand the campus of the local college.  The gift shop owner won’t go down without a fight so he sneaks inside the campus paleontology exhibit and puts a spell on the dinosaur bones to make them come to life and attack the town.  It’s up to the half-breed sheriff and his estranged wife to stop them.

 

You know, watching fossilized dinosaur skeletons running around and killing people is sort of amusing for about five minutes.  Sadly, this thing has to take up a two hour time slot on The SYFY Channel.  And that means you’re pretty much up Shit Creek.

 

Usually I don’t like to get into logistics while discussing SYFY Channel Original Movies.  However, Triassic Attack is so bad that the only way to stay sane during the film is by picking out all the stupid shit.  Take the dinosaur skeleton monsters for instance.  If the monsters are nothing more than walking bones, how are they able to growl and roar without the benefit of vocal cords?  Likewise, how are the pterodactyl skeletons able to fly without flesh on their wings?  And since the dinosaurs are missing their stomachs, how are they able to sustain themselves on human flesh if they can’t digest their food?  And how come there are a bunch of gratuitous Dino-Cam POV shots when the dinosaurs don’t have any fucking eyeballs? 

 

I know, I know, you can probably just chalk it up to the Indian mystical mumbo jumbo, but is it too much to ask that we have a LITTLE coherency in these movies?

 

The director was that jackass sheriff from Lake Placid 3.  He directs SYFY Channel Movies just as bad, if not worse than he acts in them.  Oh well, at least this way he can hide behind the camera and save himself SOME embarrassment.

 

The sole bright spot in this steaming pile of crap is that the half-breed sheriff’s wife (Kirsty Mitchell) is fucking hot.  This broad is like a Nazi experiment of hotness.  Imagine if someone put the eyes of Claire Forlani onto the face of an in-her-prime Erin Gray and then grafted on the mouth of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.  That should give you some idea of how hot this dame is.  Tragically, with all of the bones flying around in this movie, it’s a shame that she didn’t get one of them.

Tags: horror, syfy, t
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