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THE HITMAN (1991) **

Chuck Norris stars as a cop who gets double-crossed and shot by his dirty partner (the always entertaining Michael Parks).  Chuck actually dies and even sees The Light but his spirit returns to his body in the nick of time.  The cops don’t tell anyone he’s still alive and they make him their head undercover man.  Chuck even grows out his mullet so no one will recognize him.  Then he becomes a hitman for the Mob and helps to wipe out organized crime from the inside out.  Predictably, his old buddy Parks is really the one behind the syndicate and they have to settle the score with one another.

 

Chuck’s mullet in this one is pretty spectacular.  In fact, I think it should go into the Supercuts Hall of Fame for Mullet Excellence.  It’s purely business in the front, and one finely moussed party in the back.  Billy Ray Cyrus ain’t got nothing on this baby.  Michael Bolton can officially suck it.  Chuck is the Numero Uno Mulletto Supremo. 

 

The flick starts out like gangbusters but slowly but surely the pacing of the movie starts to slide.  The scenes where Chuck tries to mentor an underprivileged youngster only help to slow the film down.  Some parts of this movie are so stupid that it’s impossible to hate though.  Like the fact that the Italian mob would hire a dude with a mullet, beard, and bolo tie to be their main enforcer.

 

Aaron Norris, Chuck’s brother was in the director’s chair for this one.  You can tell if he wasn’t Chuck’s blood, he probably wouldn’t have gotten the gig.  He stages the action in a lethargic manner and can’t make the various shootouts and fistfights crackle the way they should’ve.

 

Parks is his usual amazing self, putting 110% of gonzo energy into his performance.  Unfortunately, he’s only on screen for the first ten and the last fifteen minutes or so of the flick.  Once he disappears, so does much of the movie’s pulse.

 

Norris is OK but he could’ve probably sleepwalked through his role.  On top of that, all of his one-liners are weak and not very funny.  (“Drop dead!”, “Isn’t this fun?”, and “Ain’t life a bitch?”)  I think if the movie was all about Chuck getting revenge on Parks, it would’ve been awesome.  As it is, the bulk of the movie is just Chuck vs. Gangsters shit, and it’s mostly just sorta dull.  I did like the ending when Parks blows up though (err… Spoiler).

 

If you couldn’t already guess, Parks gets all of the best lines of the movie.  My favorite was, “I’m so goddamned horny I could fuck mud!”

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