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SIRENS OF SKINAMAX: CHRISTINE NGUYEN

Of the new era of Skinamax vixens, I’d have to say that Christine Nguyen is probably the gal I most look forward to seeing in the latest Skinamax romp.  She has a natural screen presence and an immensely likeable charm about her that makes her fun to watch.  Plus, she has an uncanny knack for removing her clothes at the drop of a hat.  All of these qualities make Nguyen one of the hottest Sirens of Skinamax.

 

Our first Nguyen skin flick is…

 

BIKINI JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF EROS  (2010)  ** ½

 

Christine Nguyen stars as Bikini Jones, an adventuress who gets caught by a hot security guard stealing a valuable idol.  In exchange for her silence they partake in some hot lesbian sex.  Her boss then gives Bikini her next assignment:  To find the Temple of Eros and bring back The Tiara of Aisha.  As legend has it, whoever possesses the Tiara will become the ruler of the Empire of Moronica.  Of course, the sinister Evila Cruella (Heather Vandeven) also wants the Tiara and it’s up to Bikini to get to the Temple before she does.

 

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros does a fair job at delivering the late night cable goodies.  We get two Girl on Girl scenes, one Solo Girl Shower scene (complete with a great soap-suds-going-down-the-buttcrack shot), four Guy on Girl scenes, and one 2 Girls on 1 Guy scene.  Fans of Christine Nguyen will walk away happy.  The lesbian scene between her and the ever-busty Rebecca Love is particularly hot, as it features all the nipple sucking, poontang licking, and hot snatch-on-snatch scissoring action one could hope for.  Nguyen has a decent scene in a doctor’s office too.  (There’s also a scene where Love is put into handcuffs and gives a dude a BJ that’s pretty good.)

 

These sex scenes are all good in one way or another, yet the ones that don’t feature Nguyen or Love just don’t quite cut the mustard.  The problem is Heather Vandeven.  I like Heather and all, but her sex scenes pale in comparison.  Plus, she just doesn’t have what it takes to play the kind of campy villainess the movie needed.

 

And you know, I don’t ask for much from the non-sex scenes in these movies but I do think they should at least be funny.  This one doesn’t hardly have any laughs in it (there are a lot of Hoboken jokes), except for the unintentional kind (I did have to chuckle at the seriously awful looking CGI dinosaur).  Considering that Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros was directed by Fred Olen Ray, one of the reigning kings of late night softcore cinema, I guess I was just expecting better.

 

Our next Nguyen movie is…

 

BIKINI FRANKENSTEIN  (2010)  ** ½

 

Dr. Frankenstein (Frankie Cullen) gets kicked out of college for banging the dean’s hot daughter.  (“You were caught fraternizing with the student body… my daughter’s student body no less!”)  He returns to his homeland of Transylvania to continue his work and resurrects a dead babe he calls Eve (Jayden Cole).  Once she comes to life, she immediately starts having lesbian sex with Frankenstein’s busty assistant (Brandin Rackley).  Frankenstein then heads back to school to show off his latest creation to prove his theories are correct… and of course, have more sex.

 

Bikini Frankenstein suffers from the same problem Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros did; namely that one crucial Skinamax actress fails to make her sex scenes lively and enjoyable.  In Bikini Jones, it was Heather Vandeven who brought the movie down a notch.  Here, Jayden Cole is kind of a cold fish as Bikini Frankenstein.  She’s just not as nearly energetic as Christine and Brandin (although the fact that she’s a reanimated corpse might explain her lifeless performance) and doesn’t look like she’s enjoying it the way they do.

 

In all honesty though, I did like the part where she shoots electricity when she cums.

 

Christine Nguyen is quite good in this one but she doesn’t get all that many scenes.  That’s okay because Brandin Rackley steals the show as Frankenstein’s sex-starved assistant.  All of her scenes are fun to watch because she actually ACTS during the sex instead of switching over to autopilot like most Skinamax actresses.

 

Overall, we have four Guy on Girl scenes, two Girl on Girl scenes (including one shower scene), and one Girl on Girl on Girl scene.  That works out to be a sex scene every eleven minutes or so; which isn’t a very good ratio.  However, the final Cole/Rackley/Nguyen vag fest is literally explosive.

 

As much as I wanted to like Bikini Frankenstein, it pains me to say that it was lacking the (pardon the pun) spark most Fred Olen Ray directed skin flicks have.  I mean the concept of a Frankenstein Skinamax movie is a promising one but sadly, the whole thing boils down to one of those “I’ll sleep with him to steal his secret formula” deals.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s still plenty of here to recommend.  I liked the resurrection scene where electricity went back and forth between Cole’s nipples, and got a kick out of the credit that said, “Based on the classic novel by Mary Shelley”.  Probably the best thing about the flick though (besides Rackley’s terrific performance) was the great song over the opening credits that sounded a lot like The Cramps.  So all in all, Bikini Frankenstein isn’t bad; it just doesn’t quite live up to its potential.

 

And our final Nguyen fuck flick is yet another one of her countless Fred Olen Ray collaborations…

 

BIKINI GIRLS FROM THE LOST PLANET  (2006)  **

 

The alien Queen Morganna (Rebecca Love) orders two chicks from a lesbian planet (Syren and Christine Nguyen) to fly to Earth (in their boob shaped spaceship, no less) and find men to use as “breeding specimens”.  They run into this slut college bimbo (Nicole Sheridan) who agrees to help find them horny men.  Predictably, these guys are all too willing to help make first (sexual) contact.

 

I don’t know.  This one didn’t do a whole lot for me.  There are seven sex scenes altogether (four Guy on Girl scenes, one Girl on Girl scene, one 3 Girls on 1 Guy scene, and one 2 Guys on 2 Girls scene) and most of them are rather ho-hum.  There’s one scene in particular where Syren and Nguyen watch a skin flick in order to learn about the mating habits of humans that just seemed like filler to get the running time up to an appropriate length for late night cable.  The lone standout scene was the lesbian scene between Syren and Nguyen.  That was pretty good. 

 

But here’s what I don’t understand about this movie:  Why make a softcore fuck flick with Rebecca Love and NOT let her have sex with anyone?  All she does is stand around barking orders.  What a fucking waste.  Oh well, at least she has her humongous hooters out the whole time.

 

And the jokes are OK at best, although some of the sight gags are good for a snicker or two.  (I liked the disintegrating ray shaped like a dildo.)  As extraterrestrial skin flicks directed by Fred Olen Ray go, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet just isn’t up to the high standards of Housewives from Another World.

 

That’s all folks for this installment of Sirens of Skinamax.  Join us next time when we’ll take a look at three flicks from the ever-lovely Julie K. Smith.  See you then…

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