The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

LADY STREET FIGHTER (1985) ½ *

Some bad dudes torture Renee Harmon’s twin sister to death and she quickly goes out for revenge. Apparently, they wanted to kill Renee, but killed her sister by mistake. If the bad guys just did their job competently, it would’ve saved us all 72 minutes.

Lady Street Fighter (which should in no way be confused with Sister Street Fighter) was filmed in 1975, but sat on the shelf for ten years. A decade was not long enough. The human race would’ve been better off if it stayed on that goddamned shelf for eternity.

I watched this as part of Kung Fu-A-Palooza because I thought it was a Kung Fu flick. Really, it’s more of a revenge movie than anything else. And a terrible one at that.

Let’s start with the positive. Liz Renay is in this movie and does a striptease. I’ve always been a fan of Ms. Renay, so it was nice seeing her shake her goodies on stage. That’s about the only good thing I can say about Lady Street Fighter though.

No disrespect to Renee Harmon, but she is not a good looking woman. This fact is made exponential during the scenes where she tries to act “sexy”. Take for instance the scene where she literally has phone sex and starts licking the receiver seductively. It’s a painful experience.

Throughout the film, Harmon resembles someone’s drunk aunt at a wedding. And no, not the one that would be worth fucking. To make matters worse, her voice is horribly dubbed by somebody doing a bad Lily von Shtupp impersonation.

Harmon also gets naked in this movie, which is something she shouldn’t be particularly proud of. Usually, whenever an actress takes two showers within the span of two minutes in a movie, its cause for celebration. In Lady Street Fighter, its cause for depression.

But it gets worse folks. Later she poses as an escort and licks some celery suggestively (if you thought the phone scene was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet). This entices some random jackass to suck on her toes. Just thinking about all this again makes me want to vomit.

But it gets worse folks. Later he lets her whip him while champagne pops and sprays everywhere symbolically. I’m sure there are snuff films out there that have sexier scenes than this one.

It sounds like I’m being cruel here to Ms. Harmon. And I apologize, but writing this review isn’t a form of film criticism; is more like therapy for me. Look, Lady Street Fighter hurt me badly. Now it’s my turn to hurt it back.

Words will only hurt this movie but so much though. I want to hurt this movie physically. I want to go all kinds of Rick James on it. And no, that doesn’t mean I want to get Superfreaky with it. I mean I want to chain it up and burn it with a crack pipe for three days, just to make it suffer. The way it made me suffer.

Lady Street Fighter was directed by James Bryan, who also was responsible for the equally atrocious The Executioner 2. He stages the shootouts shoddily and handles the car chases are even worse. You know it’s bad when they speed up the film so much that the cars look like something out of a Keystone Kops movie.

Oh and at the end, there’s a title card that reads, “Watch for The Return of Lady Street Fighter coming this fall”. Thank God THAT never happened. (Then again, I shouldn’t speak too soon. Anything can happen before the Mayan Apocalypse.)

The only way I would recommend this movie to you is if your doctor tells you that you only have 72 minutes to live. Then by all means, you should watch Lady Street Fighter on your deathbed. I can’t say it will be enjoyable, but it’s guaranteed to be the longest 72 minutes of your life.

AKA: Woman in Anger. AKA: Deadly Games.

Tags: action, l
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