The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum


Here’s a new segment for y’all. Week in and week out I do my Legends of the Silver Screen column where I showcase three films from a particular actor. Now I feel it’s high time I started highlighting some of my favorite directors’ work. I won’t be doing these columns as often as the Legends posts, but I will from time to time set aside a few movies from a particular director and review them. Since February is going to be Skinamax-A-Palooza, I figured we’d get things started off with a handful of films by legendary sleaze wizard Fred Olen Ray:

Our first Ray flick is…


We’re starting Skinamax-A-Palooza off in the biggest way possible with a movie starring a gal who has the two biggest assets you’ve ever seen on late night cable. Of course I’m talking about the one and only Kylee Nash. You loved her in Jim Wynorski’s Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders and now she’s starring in Fred Olen Ray’s Bikini Time Machine. Sure, it’s no Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders (and quite frankly, what could be?), but her eye-popping frame is the sole reason why you should probably check it out.

This old professor dude invents a Virtual Reality helmet that allows the user to go back in time. Meanwhile Joslyn James’s restaurant is about to go under. Together with Kylee Nash, they hatch a plan to go back in time to win the lotto and use the money to save the restaurant.

Bikini Time Machine features the usual Fred Olen Ray Skinamax nonsense. Only this time, he forgot to put in some funny jokes. The flick also suffers from some worse acting than normal (except for Kylee of course). The movie really needed a better main actress than Joslyn James. One can almost imagine how much better things would’ve been if Ms. Nash was in the lead.

It goes without saying that every scene Kylee is in is a winner. There’s a good part where Nash goes back to the 60’s and bangs a hippie and says a lot of catchphrases like “Sock it to me!” and “Make love, not war!” before getting down to business. My favorite scene though was her soapy bubble bath. This scene is also important because it’s here where we learn that Kylee is extremely BOUYANT. Just remember fellas, if you are drowning; Kylee Nash can be used as a floatation device.

Since this month is Skinamax-A-Palooza, and I’m going to be reviewing a mess of Skinamax flicks, I thought now would be a good time to remind you how The Skinamax Scale works. First, we tally up the number of sex scenes. Then we divide that total by the running time to find our Sex Scene Per Minute number. Finally, we plug that number into the following scale:

If there’s a sex scene every 10 minutes or more-You’re Better Off Watching Porn. A sex scene every 9 minutes-Not Worth Your Time. A sex scene every 8 minutes-Not Bad (this is usually about the norm). A sex scene every 7 minutes-Good. A sex scene every 6 minutes- Recommended. A sex scene every 5 minutes-Highly Recommended. A sex scene less than 5 minutes-HEAVEN.

(You got all that? Make sure you save the above paragraph for future reference. I don’t intend on going through it again.)

So where does Bikini Time Machine fall? Let’s take a look at those Skinamax Stats to find out. We have two Girl on Girl scenes (which aren’t very sexy, but at least they feature some scissoring), one Solo Girl Bubble Bath scene, and four Guy on Girl scenes. Since the flick runs about 80 minutes long; that means we get a sex scene about every 11 minutes. Not the kind of total we’ve come to expect from Mr. Fred Olen Ray.

Despite the appallingly low Skinamax Stats, I’m still giving Bikini Time Machine Two Stars; one for each of Ms. Nash’s glorious 32HH gazongas.

Our next Ray joint is…


Porn star (one of Tiger Woods’ many mistresses) Holly Sampson stars as a rich broad who’s banging the gardener. Her hubby (porn icon Randy Spears) gives her an old book and whenever she reads it, she gets horny. He also hires a new sexy maid (Jessie Lunderby) and before long, he’s boning her. The new maid turns out to be the reincarnation of a dead silent movie star who has the power to make everyone around her horny.

Lady Chatterly’s Daughter didn’t have much of a hook to it. It could never make up its mind whether it wanted to be a Lady Chatterly update (note the different spelling) or a sexy ghost story. Because of that, the plot more or less sucks. Not that plot is something we’re grading on here, but still.

The gals in the cast are hot, but they just aren’t as much fun to watch as say a Beverly Lynne or a Christine Nguyen. Lunderby’s bust is generous, yet her line readings are flat as can be. Not that I’m craving thespianism of the highest order in a Fred Olen Ray Skinamax movie, but still.

The only way to accurately grade Lady Chatterly’s Daughter is by looking at the sex scenes, so let’s look at those Skinamax Stats. We have four Guy on Girl scenes, one Solo Soapy Shower scene, one Girl on Girl scene, and one Two Girls on One Guy scene. With a running time hovering around 80 minutes, that means we’ve got a sex scene every 11 minutes.

Faults aside, Lady Chatterly’s Daughter remains watchable throughout. It also moves along at a steady clip, something that can’t be said for a lot of Skinamax flicks. Too bad the sex scenes were so damn sparse.

AKA: Lady Chatterly’s Ghost.

And our final Ray flick is…


Fred Olen Ray must be the hardest working man in the Skinamax business. Sexual Witchcraft was the third of four Skinamax movies Ray directed in 2011. It’s not a sterling example of what Ray is capable of, but I give him points for the prolific rate he (bump and) grinds these things out. As long as he keeps making ‘em, I’ll keep watchin’ them.

Christine Nguyen is a sexy witch who moves into a new neighborhood with her clueless husband. Her prudish neighbor (Michelle Bauer) learns of her hocus pocus ways and tries to expose her as a witch. Meanwhile, Christine helps her hubby come up with a new beauty campaign and inexplicably winds up conjuring the horny Cleopatra (Vanessa Brink AKA: Porn star Cassandra Cruz).

So basically what we have here is a Skinamax version of Bewitched.

The best thing I can say about Sexual Witchcraft is that the cast is filled with hot chicks. Any time you’ve got Christine Nguyen, Holly Sampson, and Jessie Lunderby in a movie; you’re off to a good start. However, the best looking gal in the bunch, Michelle Bauer never gets naked. What’s up with that Ray? I know she’s getting older, but she’s still looking good. It’s a damn shame she never gets in on the fun.

Another debit about this movie is the scant number of sex scenes. Like Bikini Time Machine and Lady Chatterly’s Daughter, there are only seven sex scenes in Sexual Witchcraft. There are four Guy on Girl scenes, one Soapy Shower Scene, and two Girl on Girl scenes (including a lesbian pool sequence that features way too much slow motion). Again, since the running time is about 80 minutes, that means we only get one sex scene every 11 minutes. For Sexual Witchcraft to have truly worked, Ray should’ve used a little more Skinamax magic and conjured up some more sex scenes.

AKA: Little Witches.

Tags: .director spotlight, b, fred olen ray, l, s, skinamax
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