?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

SKINAMAX-A-PALOOZA: BIKINI-A-PALOOZA

BIKINI AIRWAYS (2003) ***

Regina Russell’s rich uncle (whose name is Hugh Janus) dies and leaves her his failing airline in his will. To turn the sagging company around, she decides to sex things up a bit and makes all her model friends hang out in front of the terminal in bikinis. They eventually charter a bachelor party plane with the hopes that the profit will pull them out of debt.

After watching dozens of mediocre Skinamax movies this month, it gives me great pleasure to say that you’ll definitely want to climb aboard Bikini Airways. It’s one of the best Bikini movies Fred Olen Ray has ever made. I think the reason is that Ray was working with a bigger budget this time out. I mean he actually had sets for this one! Not only does the flick sport a convincing airplane set, it has a decent airport mock-up too! It’s amazing what a little production value will do for your softcore movie. It’s a lot better than just having Ray film sex scenes in his kitchen, I’ll tell you that.

The thing I dug about Bikini Airways was that it had a distinct 80’s skin flick vibe to it. And like those softcore films of yore, it actually managed to be funny in between the sex scenes. It’s one of those rare Skinamax flicks that prove you don’t need a sex scene every five minutes to be entertaining. That’s mostly because Jay Richardson is fucking hilarious in this thing. He gives one of his all-time best performances as the airline’s dim-witted pilot.

Bikini Airways features an impressive ten sex scenes. There are six Guy on Girl scenes, one Girl on Girl on Girl scene (easily my favorite), one Girl on Girl on Girl Photo Shoot scene, one Two Girls on One Guy scene, and one Steamy Lapdance scene. Since the flick runs 84 minutes, that means we get a sex scene about every eight minutes or so. My only complaint is that some of the music is pretty awful. One sex scene is nearly ruined by the constant repetitive faux-“Earth Angel” music and another scene features music that sounds a lot like the Charlie Brown Christmas Theme!

Richardson gets the best line of the movie when he says: “Bikini Airways, where you’re always flying on Cloud 69!”

BIKINI A GO GO (2004) ***

Beverly Lynne and her nerdy boyfriend are total virgins who wouldn’t know first base if it hit them in the forehead. For their anniversary, he gives her a magic Tiki necklace which has the power to make anyone who wears it horny. As it turns out, the necklace belongs to a sultry Dragon Lady (Nikki Fritz) who will do anything she can to get it back, including sending out her Terminator-esque bodyguard after Lynne.

While no one will mistake Bikini A Go Go as a classic of the genre, it’s still quite a bit of fun. The plot is amusing in a kitchen sink sort of way, and I appreciated the whole retro feeling director Fred Olen Ray was going for. The cast are all top notch too. Lynne is very sexy (even though she’s almost unrecognizable in her Daphne wig and Velma glasses) and Nikki Fritz was looking hot as always. And of course, Jay Richardson totally killed it as the Rod Serling-esque narrator.

But as great as the veterans in the cast are, Bikini A Go Go really belongs to Stacy Burke and Cailey Taylor. Not only are these gals hotter than Hell in a microwave in the middle of July, their changing room lesbian scene has to be one of the greatest ever filmed in the annals of Skinamax history. Sometimes I complain the sex scenes go on forever in these movies. Well, this is one that I wish went on forever. This scene definitely features everything you’d want from a latenight lesbian lickdown. It’s got bleach blondes, hot tans, silicone (but not TOO much silicone), and LOTS of lingering shots of simulated oral fixation. The movie as a whole kinda blows its load early (err… strictly in a matter of speaking), but it doesn’t matter because this scene is so amazing.

There are seven other scenes in the film, but none of them can touch the Burke/Taylor coupling. In a span of 75 minutes we get: four Guy on Girl scenes, two Girl on Girl scenes, one Girl on Girl on Girl scene, and one Solo Girl scene. That works out to be a sex scene every nine minutes or so.

Best line: “You look like you need a lube job and this is a full service station!”

AKA: Curse of the Erotic Tiki.

BIKINI CHAINGANG (2005) ** ½

Beverly Lynne gets blamed for a robbery she didn’t commit and is sent to jail. Warden Jay Richardson takes pity on her and signs her up for the chain gang (where of course everyone is required to wear bikinis). Beverly doesn’t stay shackled for long though as she escapes while sexy guard Nicole Sheridan is busy getting it on. When the real robber (who wears a Lucha Libre mask) finds out Beverly’s escaped, he sets out to silence her forever.

Bikini Chaingang is director Fred Olen Ray’s riff on a 70’s Women in Prison movie; with a touch of Ed Wood’s The Violent Years thrown in there for good measure. The film has several things working against it. For one, a lot of the jokes fall flat (like Evan Stone acting like a bloodhound). For another, the sex scenes are a bit uneven. And even though the film runs 80 minutes, it feels a lot longer than that. However, Bikini Chaingang remains immensely watchable thanks to the game performances by Lynne, Richardson, and Sheridan (who is especially memorable here).

The sex scenes are a bit sparse. Throughout the running time we only get six sex scenes; two Girl on Girl scenes, two Guy on Girl scenes, and two One Guy on Two Girls scenes. That means there’s only a sex scene every thirteen minutes or so. That’s not a great average, but I do have to give Ray credit for starting the movie off with a bang (literally) as the first Girl on Girl pairing is pretty sizzling. I also have to give the movie props for the great fake Peter Gunn music over the 60’s style credit sequence.

Overall, Bikini Chaingang ain’t great, but there are far worse Skinamax flicks you could get shackled with.

BIKINI ROUND-UP (2005) **

Nicole Sheridan has a one night stand with cowboy Randy Spears. When he dies, he leaves his rundown casino and silver mine to her. Nicole and her gal pal Beverly Lynne head out west to check it out. Much to their surprise, the place turns out to be located in the middle of a haunted ghost town. Cowpoke Jay Richardson wants to get his hands on the deed and sends his two dim-witted cowhands to get it. Luckily for Sheridan, the ghost of cowgirl Calamity Kate (Belinda Gavin) shows up to protect the town (and get it on with our heroines).

Director Fred Olen Ray got a lot of production value out of the ghost town set, and I enjoyed the faux-Morricone score, but other than that Bikini Round-Up is pretty run of the mill. While it was nice to see Ray’s usual stable of stars doing their thing, it wasn’t quite enough to save the film. Sure, there are some funny bits here and there (like when Sheridan shoots a six-gun when she has an orgasm), but not nearly as many as you’d expect.

I guess the main problem with this one was that the sex scenes weren’t really all that great. There’s four Guy on Girl scenes, one Girl on Girl scene, and one Girl on Girl on Girl scene. The latter scene is easily the best of the bunch, but when you’re only pulling in a sex scene every 13 minutes (the flick runs 78 minutes), you need a lot more than one great sex scene to make it worthwhile. Ultimately, Bikini Round-Up suffers from too much yakety-yak and not enough butt crack.

Richardson gets the best line when he says, “I’ll get you! If not now… then in the sequel!”

AKA: The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful.

THE BIKINI ESCORT COMPANY (2006) ** ½

Beverly Lynne and friends start an escort business. When one of them gets busted, Bev and the other gals start a car wash fundraiser to get her out of jail. The prudish Jay Richardson and Michelle Bauer try to close them down, but luckily for the audience, they fail and Beverly and Co. are able to give their customers sudsy soap jobs.

The Bikini Escort Company features three Guy on Girl scenes, two Girl on Girl scenes, one Two Girls on One Guy scene, and one Lesbian Photo Shoot scene. Since the flick clocks in at 74 minutes, that means we get a sex scene every ten minutes or so. And while Beverly Lynne is hot as always, it’s Bikini A Go Go’s Stacy Burke who gets all best scenes.

Look, I could sit here and pick this movie apart. God knows it’s not perfect. (For one, this movie makes the mistake of keeping Bauer fully clothed. What’s up with that?) Instead, I’d rather accentuate the positive as they say. Whatever flaws it has, The Bikini Escort Company features A) Stacy Burke having hot sex B) Lesbian scissoring on a pool table and C) Lots of scenes of topless chicks washing cars and smooshing their boobs against the windshields. Because of this, any kind of criticism of the film will be pretty much irrelevant. So if that’s what you’re looking for in a movie; The Bikini Escort Company surely delivers.

AKA: The Erotic Escort Company.

THE GIRL FROM B.I.K.I.N.I. (2007) ** ½

Beverly Lynne stars as a secret agent trying to find out who’s jamming a radio station that’s actually a front for incoming spy transmissions. After a little snooping, she learns that an evil Dragon Lady (Gianna Lynn) is behind the dastardly plot. When she kidnaps the radio station owner’s daughter (Rebecca Love), Beverly is sent in to rescue her.

Not only is Beverly Lynne extremely sexy in The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I., she’s also pretty funny too. This is easily one of her best roles to date. And Rebecca Love is great too. While a lot of the sex scenes are fair-to-middling, any time Love’s impeccable bust is exposed; it’s good times all around.

Speaking of which, there are eight sex scenes in the film. We get three Guy on Girl scenes, one Girl on Girl scene, one Girl on Girl on Girl scene, one Two Girls on One Guy scene, one Striptease scene, and one Solo Girl Shower Scene (complete with disposal shower head). With a running time of 84 minutes, that means we get a sex scene about every ten and a half minutes.

Like any Fred Olen Ray late night Skinamax extravaganza, The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is pretty hit-or-miss. When it does hit; it’s usually laugh out loud funny though. The highlight comes when the villainess ties Rebecca Love’s enormous boobs under a giant swinging bladed pendulum and she quips, “this is a regular Tit and the Pendulum!” So no matter what its faults are; it has that going for it.

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Katy Towell