The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

CAVE DWELLERS (1984) *

Miles O’Keeffe stars as Ator, a third rate Conan rip-off who has to rescue some hot chick’s dad from an evil mincing wuss. Together with his trusty sidekick Thong, Ator travels from the ends of the Earth to fight a clan of cannibal cavemen, a band of invisible warriors, some samurais, and an evil snake cult before finally storming the bad guy’s castle with a suspiciously 20th century looking hang glider. In addition to making short work of the admittedly wimpy villain, he also destroys a “geometric nucleus” (AKA: stock footage of an A-Bomb exploding), which if fallen into the wrong hands could wipe out the planet.

You know, the prospect of having exploitation movie icon Joe D’Amato directing a cheesy Conan knockoff sounds promising enough. Too bad the results are so piss poor. Cave Dwellers is filled with so much incompetence per frame of film that it’s kind of baffling that it even got released. (I mean a HANG GLIDER the barbarian ages?!? Were they serious?) You know you’re in trouble when our hero has to pretend to be beaten up by “invisible” warriors. In fact, Ator isn’t much of a hero at all as it always seems like Thong is bailing him out of trouble at the last second.

Despite the fact that Ator relies heavily on his sidekick to save his bacon, O’Keeffe isn’t bad in the lead. It also helps that the main chick is kinda hot (although she’s wearing too much eyeliner considering the time period). And since this IS a Joe D’Amato movie, we do get a little gore (there’s some heart ripping and eating), so it’s not a TOTAL waste of celluloid or anything.

Then again I just remembered how fucking pathetic the villain was. He kinda looks like Freddy Mercury dressed up as The Black Swan or something. Plus, the chick’s dad gives one of the all-time worst performances in history. His long “dramatic” pauses in just the simplest lines of dialogue will have you falling asleep way before you even get to Ator, so forget I said anything. That asshole wasn’t worth going to the ends of the Earth for.

AKA: Ator the Invincible. AKA: Ator the Invincible 2. AKA: Ator 2. AKA: Ator, the Blade Master. AKA: The Blade Master. AKA: The Return. AKA: Day of the Sword Man.

Tags: action, c, mst3k, sequel
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