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MACHETE KILLS (2013) ****

I know a lot of people are going nuts over that Gravity movie. My question to the movie-going public at large is this: Why the fuck would you pay to see George Clooney and Sandra Bullock in space when you could see Machete in space for the same amount of money? Seriously, Machete Kills features Machete in space wielding a light-machete-saber.

That’s right, folks. Write down October 11th, 2013 down on your calendar. That’s the night movie history was made. That was the night Machete went to space. That was the night America as a nation became a better world to live in because Robert Rodriguez had the conviction to send a Mexican badass into orbit to do battle with a Darth Vader/Destro looking villain.

And this is just the first minute into the movie, folks. From there on it just gets crazier. And better. If Machete Kills isn’t the best movie of the year, it’s certainly the most fun.

It’s the finest American film since The Expendables 2.

Machete, of course, is the character made famous in the fake movie trailer in Grindhouse. Then director Robert Rodriguez expanded the trailer and made a full length movie out of it. Machete Kills is the world’s first feature-length movie trailer. It’s virtually all money shots. It feels almost like watching twelve chapters of a serial right in a row as Machete gets into increasingly outlandish scenarios at every reel change.

Remember the immortal scene in Machete Uno when Machete ripped out a guy’s guts and used them to repel down the side of a building? Well, they found a way to top that kill in this one. I won’t spoil it for you, but it does involve someone’s guts… and a helicopter.

Machete is played by the one and only Danny Trejo. Let me just say that there are times when Trejo gets lost in his own movie because there is so much craziness going on around him. But that’s okay, because the dude can still decapitate people with a machete better than anyone this side of Jason Vorhees.

Sometimes there are moments that you can’t even comprehend what you just saw. There is just too much awesome in this movie for the mind to properly catalogue. Okay, so we have Sophia Vergara as this brothel madam who has a gun bra. We have Amber Heard as a beauty queen secret agent. We have Marko Zaror as himself, and himself, and himself, and so on. We have Walt(on) Goggins, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Lady Gaga, and Antonio Banderas playing.... Never mind.

And we have Mel Gibson making his big screen comeback as the villain, Voz. He’s great in this movie. He walks the line between camp and total seriousness effortlessly. The movies need more Mel if you ask me. I can’t wait to see him in The Expendables 3.

But the big story here is Carlos Estevez as The President. In the history of Movie Presidents, Carlos Estevez plays what is perhaps the best Movie President of them all. You all can have your Obamacare. I’d sign up for Estevezcare in a heartbeat.


( 2 comments — Comment )
Oct. 14th, 2013 05:26 pm (UTC)
Loved this film except for Alba's character getting killed off in the first few minutes, that was kind of a rip-off.
Oct. 14th, 2013 07:13 pm (UTC)
I had a feeling they were gonna go there. The rest of the movie was so over the top that it didn't matter much (to me at least) in the long run.
( 2 comments — Comment )


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