The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum

LOLIDA 2000 (1997) *

In the future, soft core porn is banned and the task of erasing it belongs to Lolita (Femalien’s Jaqueline Lovell). When she gets all turned on by the low grade porn that wouldn’t have cut it on Skinamax, she rebels by stealing the discs and broadcasts them. Then we get to see three of the soft core stories that she was watching.

The first is about an obsessive compulsive painter who has weird dreams and visions filmed in negative about a green monster who tries to grope her. She goes to a psychiatrist and we learn that her phobias stem from being abducted by aliens! These “visitors” put her on a metal table and stick some sort of device up her hoo-ha. Afterwards, she’s stuck in a cell with some hunk and they are forced to bang in front of the green skinned aliens. The end. No wrap-up, no conclusion, no nothing. We never learn if she conquers her fears or gets abducted again, it just ends there. It ends so abruptly that Lolita is even caught off guard because when the story is over, we see her making out with some chick. After shooing her lady friend aside she tells us the second story.

This one is about an interplanetary prison where a cute blonde “Earther” gets harassed by a dominatrix warden and is seduced by her sexy cellmate. (“Have you ever been with a Feline before?”) She also meets an imprisoned cargo pilot and after they get it on they plan their escape. When they are captured, the warden ties her up and punishes her, but gets caught up in the moment and gets tied up herself. Like the previous story there’s an abrupt ending where we learn it was all a behavioral experiment. The sex scenes, plot and acting are all a lot better than the first story, but that’s not saying Jack Shit. We go back to Lolita who gets found by “The Society”, and escapes, but before she goes she gives us the final story.

This one is about a trucker who bangs a waitress in a truck stop bathroom (Talk about service!) and when he goes back to the restaurant it’s suddenly 1955. (Where there’s the worst Elvis impersonator you’ve ever seen.) We learn from an “old timer” that the trucker is actually caught in a “timeslip”. We also learn from the boring sex scene that this was the original story that inspired Lolita to revolt. (We also learn from this scene that sluts who wore poodle skirts in the 50’s also pierced their bellybuttons.) Then he walks out again and the truck stop has turned into some Robot Holocaust inspired “arena” (I say arena but it’s really a couple mattresses thrown together) where he watches some post apocalyptic chicks wrestle topless. Then he’s suddenly in the Stone Age where has a threeway with some cavegirls while shouting “Is this what you want?” Then when bigger stronger cavemen toss him aside they have some down and dirty caveman sex with them. The end. Seriously. We never learn if he gets back to his own time. We never learn what happens to the bad Elvis impersonator. We never find out if he gets caveman herpes. Nothing.

Then Lolita shows up again and takes off her clothes. The end.

This is pretty much a mess from start to finish. The three stories seem like they were taken from other, perhaps unfinished movies because they all end so abruptly. These trite and unsexy tales might get the repressed society of the future off, but it won’t do anything for anyone in the present. The production values are at least decent enough, but the slipshod set Lovell is on makes me think they just strung this together with some unused footage from other movies. The end credits feature outtakes that are vital to any future director out there who wants to learn how to direct a caveman sex scene.

Lovell is the best thing about the movie. Her plucky charm, sweet nature and sexy body can’t hold together the cut and paste stories though. Even die hard fans of Skinamax movies (and anthologies) may not even get through this one. Lovell was also in Virtual Encounters which was also directed by ”Sybil Richards”. The original title was Lolita 2000 but was changed to presumably avoid confusion with Adrian Lyne’s 1997 Lolita. (Yeah right!)

AKA: Lolita 2000. AKA: O Lita 2000.
Tags: anthology, l, sci-fi, skinamax
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