The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
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SYFY-PALOOZA: THE FINAL CHAPTER: CROCS AND GATORS

ROBO CROC (2013) * ½

A crocodile named Stella breathes in some experimental stuff and becomes part robot. Its eyes become red and give the croc a heads up display like The Terminator that helps her hunt its prey. She eats her handler and escapes the zoo and goes on a rampage in a nearby water park.

Parker Lewis Can’t Lose’s Corin Nemec stars as the wisecracking zookeeper hero. He’s become something of a mainstay at the SyFy Channel over the years. (As he’s aged, he sorta resembles Mike Nelson from Mystery Science Theater 3000.) But as far as Corin Nemec SyFy vehicles go, Robo Croc isn’t a patch on the great Mansquito.

Over the course of SyFy-Palooza, we’ve been asked to believe some pretty stupid things. We’ve seen killer Tasmanian Devils, tornados filled with sharks, and the murderous ghost of a great white. Robo Croc brings us to new heights (make that lows) of stupidity. In particular, the heads-up display for the crocodile was supremely stupid. Whenever Stella approaches a potential victim, the heads up display flashes “Prey Detected”. Now my question is, “How in the hell can the crocodile read?”

I’m sorry to bring those kinds of logistical sticking points to a SyFy Channel movie, but inquiring minds want to know.

In one scene, a guy is attacked for wearing Crocs. That’s about as inventive as this thing gets. I hate those goofy-looking shoes as much as the next guy, but it’s not exactly what I would call funny. We also get a scene where Robo Croc jumps up and kills a helicopter; which to me just seems like a callback to the airplane scene in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.

Robo Croc is from start to finish a rather dreary affair. It moves at a snail’s pace and is full of What-the-Fuck-Did-My-Agent-Sign-Me-Up-For performances. (Dee Wallace in particular looks pretty bored.) The CGI effects are horrible too; especially once the croc becomes completely robotic. At least the effects in Sharknado and Ghost Shark were fairly decent (for a SyFy Channel joint; that is).

Talk about a Robo Crock of Shit.

RAGIN CAJUN REDNECK GATORS (2013) * ½

Some Cajun gator poachers make a bad batch of moonshine using some blue chemical they found on the internet. They dump the shine into the swamp and it turns the gators into giant mutant killers with red necks. The rival Cajun clan that lives just across the river kills a mutant gator and eats it. Pretty soon, they all turn into mutant gators too.

You know, for a movie about were-alligators, Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators isn’t a whole lot of fun. The acting is pretty bad and the overdone Cajun accents will grate on your nerves. The pacing moves at a crawl, which pretty much negates the zaniness of the plot.

The CGI gator effects aren’t bad. Most of the CGI monsters in these SyFy Channel movies look like they came out of a PlayStation 3 game. The monsters in this one look like they came out of a PlayStation 4 game. I know that’s not saying much, but oh well.

Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators was directed by Griff Furst. His directional output for the SyFy Channel is a bit spotty. Usually whenever he directs a movie about mutant sharks (like Swamp Shark and Ghost Shark), it’s pretty decent. But when he makes a movie about mutant gators and crocs (Lake Placid 3 and this), they aren’t very good. Maybe next time, just stick to sharks, buddy.

Note: Furst is the son of Stephen Furst, who played Flounder in Animal House. I don’t know about you, but “Son of Flounder” would make for a great SyFy movie title.

AKA: Alligator Alley.

That wraps things up for SyFy-Palooza. Since next month is February, I’ll be doing the requisite Skinamax-A-Palooza marathon. You know, because of Valentine’s Day and shit. Who says romance is dead?

Tags: horror, r, syfy
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