The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum

BLAIR WITCH (2016) ½ *

You all are complaining you lost an hour because of the time change. Amateurs. I watched Blair Witch and lost ninety minutes.

I guess you all remember the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones”. Well, we learned in the first Blair Witch that they can also bore you. At least in that movie the budget was so low that that’s all they could afford to show you. In this soft reboot/sequel, they actually show the Blair Witch. Would it surprise you that she looks like a half-assed CGI monster from the Syfy Channel? Probably not.

Look. Found Footage movies are not my bag. Still, I sat through this one because it was directed by Adam Wingard, who made You’re Next and The Guest. I thought if anyone could breathe a little life into the tired franchise, it was him. To quote Obi-Wan Kenobi: “I was wrong”.

Some more dummies go into the woods with cameras looking for the Blair Witch. After a half an hour of checking the camera equipment, putting up tents, and walking around the woods endlessly, we finally get to the meat of the movie. That is to say another half an hour of people looking for other people.

The thing that makes this entry different? This time out, there are a couple of local stoners that join the camera crew who act as tour guides. That is to say there’s even more people to annoy the shit out of you while they’re wandering through the woods.

I don’t know why Wingard would want to make this shit. This sort of thing is clearly beneath him. He proved with You’re Next and The Guest he can hold the camera still with the best of them. Sadly, Blair Witch features brand new ways to irritate the piss out of you in terms of shaky-cam nonsense.

You see, this is the 21st century, so now people can wear cameras on their heads to capture their footage. That means that instead of holding a camera in their hand and shaking it up and down when they run, they have a camera on their head that shakes side to side when they run. Progress.

Hundreds of imitators have come and gone since the first Blair Witch. You shouldn’t do another one unless you’ve got an interesting angle. The only potentially intriguing idea they can come up with is the camera crew’s use of drones to give them aerial footage of the woods. This admittedly decent idea is almost immediately squandered when the damn thing gets stuck in a tree. When a chick climbs up to get the thing, she dies from… wait for it… falling out of the tree. Weak.

The kills are downright stupid, other than the part where a girl is folded in half. The sole “good” part is when a girl picks at her pussy leg. As in her leg is filled with pus. Not as in her pussy is filled with leg.

The extended finale in the Blair Witch Asbestos House of Death goes on forever. It looks like the first person camerawork from Doom, except minus the guns. Or the point. (This is the second review in a row I’ve mentioned Doom. Maybe it’s time to give that flick a reevaluation.)

At least in the original once they got to the house you knew it was over. Here, it continues on and on with the heroine having to partake in a prolonged crawl through a tunnel of shit. I couldn't think of a better metaphor for this movie if I tried.

Tags: b, horror, sequel, shaky-cam bullshit


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