THE AVENGERS (1998) NO STARS

If The Avengers was cheese, it would be limburger.  If The Avengers was a disease it would be Ebola.  If The Avengers was a country it would be France.  Unmistakably one of the worst big budget major studio releases in recent memory.  Unmistakably one of the worst movies to be derived from a TV show.  Unmistakably one of the worst movies ever.  

The plot concerns a madman (Sean Connery in a definite career low) who controls the weather using a computer (just like in Superman 3!) to try to conquer the world.  Mrs. Emma Peel (Uma Thurman) and John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) are brought in to stop his reign (rain?) of terror.  There’s also an evil Emma Peel look alike assassin, but she’s only onscreen for about 38 seconds then disappears.  

Everything about this movie stinks.  Fiennes has only one facial expression throughout the movie and is a total bore as a hero.  Connery is embarrassing and Thurman is only in tight leather for one scene, which is really disappointing.  The Avengers is as flat and boring as balsa wood.  The only good part comes at the end when Connery’s henchman played by Eddie (Mystery Men) Izzard gets killed.  He’s totally silent through the movie until he’s about to die, to which he says:  “Oh fuck.”  

Did Warners even see this before they released it?  Whole scenes come and go with no consequence or purpose (like Connery trying to hypnotize Uma so he can screw her) and the whole movie is filled with special F/X that are third rate (Bees, blizzards, bubbles, etc.).  Stick with the original show.  Speaking of which, Patrick Macnee, who played John Steed on the original show has a vocal cameo.  From the director of Christmas Vacation, Jeremiah Checkik.