January 23rd, 2008


A pair of guys gets their kicks by kidnapping a trio of women, taking them back to their homemade dungeon and “scaring them to death”.  One guy dresses up like the poster child for Quiet Riot and coerces a nice girl into doing the deed with him by charming her, drugging her and talking in a Darth Vader voice.  The next girl gets drugged and placed on an altar where an (obviously fake) Indian mystic who talks a lot of nonsense about “constellations” and “birthrights” wants to sacrifice her to his stone idol.  The final girl gets shackled to a wall and is berated by a Nazi officer who whips her and gives her “truth serum” in a silly looking oversized syringe before sending her off to “the breeding farm”. 


Scare Their Pants Off is technically a “roughie”, a type of sex film that usually revolves around S & M and abduction.  Back in the 60’s when roughies were first invented, they catered to their audiences’ baser desires, but this flick is so tame (even for the time it was released) that it should’ve been called a “softie”.  I don’t think anyone in their right mind would be turned on by this mess.  The film is hardly what you would call “titillating” as the sex and nudity is rather minimal (only two out of the three women briefly pop their tops).  The bizarre situations don’t add zip to the eroticism either and the performances are pretty cartoonish.  On the plus side, the film is only an hour long and the jazzy score is kinda cool. 


Out of the three vignettes, the first one is easily the best, if only because it features a bit of style and the man in the iron mask is kinda freaky looking.  The second act is pretty unbearable as the dude’s phony Indian accent will grate on your nerves fast.  The final scene is slightly better, but loses a lot of it’s impact because the actress refused to take her bra off and the Nazis are more like extras from Hogan’s Heroes than Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS. 


Cinematographer Arthur Marks later when onto be the director of photography for THREE Tim Kinkaid movies in the 80’s, Bad Girl’s Dormitory, Breeders, and Robot Holocaust. 

SATAN’S BED (1965) * ½


One of the hallmarks of exploitation movies is the Skeleton in the Closet movie.  The studios have always had a knack for finding movies that famous people made BEFORE they were famous and re-releasing them as something new.  Usually no one is safe from the Skeleton in Closet movie.  Remember Madonna’s A Certain Sacrifice?  Brad Pitt had Cutting Class.  Charlize Theron was in Children of the Corn 3.  And Naomi Watts had Children of the Corn 4. 


And don’t think this is a NEW trend.  Lord no.  Why even back in the 60’s producers were doing it.  Take for example:  Satan’s Bed.  It’s “star”:  YOKO ONO.  In ’65, when this film was made, nobody gave a rat’s ass about poor Yoko, but once she got mixed up with John Lennon, EVERYBODY knew who she was.  The producers of this film, Roberta and Michael Findlay (of the infamous “Flesh” Trilogy”) re-released this softcore “roughie” exploitation number that Yoko made when she was just an Asian nobody, to mucho box office. 


The Plot:  A group of rapists break into a woman’s apartment after she showers and rapes her at knifepoint.  She doesn’t really seem to mind though, especially after the female rapist puts her paws all over her.  Meanwhile, a gangster kidnaps Yoko from her wimpy fiancée, takes her to an empty apartment, and forces her to put some newspapers down before sexing her up.  Then we awkwardly cut back to the trio of rapists who defile another woman in the backseat of her car.  Then, the gangster takes Yoko to ANOTHER apartment (this one is fully furnished) where he, you guessed it, rapes her AGAIN.  Then guess what happens?  BACK to the other group of rapists who break into ANOTHER woman’s home and molest her at knifepoint. 


You get the idea. 


In the end, the woman escapes and guns down the rapists while Yoko escapes and gets hit by a car. 




If the film doesn’t make a lick of sense, it’s because the Findlays took an unfinished film named “Judas City” and added scenes of Yoko to the movie in a desperate attempt to make SOMETHING that ran 70+ minutes so it could be shown in a theater.  It’s not very good, but it deserves an extra half-star for the quality lesbo scenes. 


If you ever wanted to see Yoko Ono in a low budget sex flick that was actually two films edited into one, then look no further.  Yoko DOESN’T get naked but she does sing…badly. 


AKA:  Satan’s Hot Bed.