1ST ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS. AND THE NOMINEES ARE...
Well it’s awards season yet again, and with writer’s striking and boycotting several awards shows, I feel compelled to start the first annual Video Vacuum Awards. As a general rule, I hate award shows, so to set the VVA’s (otherwise known as the “Viddies”) apart from the rest of the pack I’ve set up these guidelines:
1.) I’ve had it up to here with award shows where people accepting the awards thank God. God had nothing to do with you winning the award, it was the jackasses who voted for you. So when you get your award, shut the Hell up and move along so the next person can get theirs.
2.) I’ve had it up to here with presenters who take their podium time to bring attention to their own selfish charities or humanitarian causes. If you want to do something for charity, dress up like Santa and ring a bell like everybody else. To nip this in the bud, I will be giving out the awards.
3.) I’ve had it up to here with award shows that feature terrible music numbers, so there will be NO music when these babies are handed out.
4.) I’ve had it up to here with award shows that take 700 minutes showing you everybody who’s died in the past twelve months. People die every day. Get over it. If there is ONE person of special significance who bought the farm, I may mention it briefly, but otherwise read the obituaries like everyone else.
5.) I’ve had it up to here with all the red carpet hoopla associated with any awards show. I could really give a rat’s ass about what the Hell some second rate celebrity is wearing. It’s probably by a designer I’ve never heard of, can’t pronounce or can’t afford, so why bother. To put a stop to this once and for all The Viddies will be held in a nudist colony so we don’t have to worry about what the heck they’re wearing.
6.) I’ve had it up to here with those Price Waterhouse retards that “guard” the votes. Really, get a life. To squelch these pricks, I and I alone will tally the votes.
7.) Oh yeah, about the voting system. I count all the votes, which are cast by ME, tabulated by ME, and presented by ME. If you turkeys don’t like it, bite it off and choke on it.
So now to announce the nominations for the First Annual Video Vacuum Awards. The winners will be announced when I get around to it. And the nominees are…
CRAZY PERSON AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN INSANITY
JAVIER BARDIEM as ANTON CHIGURGH in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
JOHN GOODMAN as THE ARMS DEALER in DEATH SENTENCE
MARCIA GAY HARDEN as MRS. CARMODY in THE MIST
ASHLEY JUDD as AGNES in BUG
BEST ZOMBIE MOVIE
FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
GRINDHOUSE
I AM LEGEND
RESIDENT EVIL EXTINCTION
28 WEEKS LATER
WORST MUSICAL
ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
HAIRSPRAY
SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF
BEST SEQUEL
FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER
HILLS HAVE EYES 2
OCEAN’S THIRTEEN
SPIDER-MAN 3
28 WEEKS LATER
WORST SEQUEL
ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM
BLOODRAYNE 2: DELIVERANCE
PUMPKINHEAD: BLOOD FEUD
SAW IV
SPECIES: THE AWAKENING
BEST MOVIE BASED ON A COMIC BOOK
FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER
GHOST RIDER
SPIDER-MAN 3
300
BEST REVENGE MOVIE
THE BRAVE ONE
DEATH SENTENCE
HOSTEL 2
BEST COMEDY
HOT FUZZ
KNOCKED UP
SUPERBAD
WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY
BEST HORROR MOVIE
GRINDHOUSE
HILLS HAVE EYES 2
HOSTEL 2
THE MIST
28 WEEKS LATER
RIP AWARD FOR BEST DEATH SCENE
VANESSA FERLITO for TAKING A CAR TO THE FACE in DEATH PROOF
ROGER BART for RECEIVING THE SWEDISH SPECIAL in HOSTEL 2
THE LEAD MUTANT for GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD, HAVING HIS BRAINS PULLED OUT LIKE GRAPEFRUIT, GETTING A POLE SHOVED THROUGH HIS STOMACH, GETTING HIS ARM CHOPPED OFF WITH A MACHETE, HAVING HIS NUTS CRUSHED WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER… TWICE, AND HAVING A BAYONET SHOVED DOWN HIS THROAT in THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2
MEGA SNAKE for SADDLING UP TO THE MATTERHORN AND CHOMPING DOWN ON PASSENGER’S HEADS in MEGA SNAKE
QUENTIN TARANTINO for HIS MELTING GENITALIA in PLANET TERROR
WORST DIRECT-TO-DVD-SEQUEL
BLOODRAYNE 2
SPECIES 4
DECOYS 2
PUMPKINHEAD: BLOOD FEUD
BEST ACTOR
JAVIER BARDIM for CREEPING UP THE JOINT in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
GERARD BUTLER for SLAUGHTERING PERSIANS WITH EXTREME PREDJUDICE in 300
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS for DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HIS GRUBBY HANDS ON SOME OIL, EVEN IF IT MEANS BASHING A PREACHER IN THE HEAD WITH A BOWLING PIN in THERE WILL BE BLOOD
THOMAS JANE for SHOOTING EVERYONE IN THE SUV AND THEN WHOOPS! in THE MIST
KURT RUSSELL for WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL ON THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A STUNT MAN’S LIFE THEN RUNNING OVER WOMEN AT HIGH SPEEDS in DEATH PROOF
BEST ACTRESS
ZOE BELL for DOING ALL HER OWN STUNTS AND BEING THE LEAST ANNOYING FEMALE CHARACTER in DEATH PROOF
MARCIA GAY HARDEN for GOING TOTALLY BONKERS IN THE GROCERY STORE AND PREDICTING JUDGEMENT DAY in THE MIST
MILA JOVOVICH for BEING HOT AND KILLING ZOMBIES in RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION
ROSE MCGOWAN as THE ONE-LEGGED STRIPPER WITH A SEMI-AUTOMATIC PROSTHESIS in PLANET TERROR
ELLEN PAGE for BEING PREGNANT AND KEEPING HER HORMONES MORE OR LESS IN CHECK in JUNO
SCREENWRITING AWARD FOR BEST LINE OF DIALOGUE OF THE YEAR
BUG for “I AM THE SUPER MOTHER BUG!”
1408 for “THAT’S ONE EVIL FUCKING ROOM!”
THE MIST for “IF I WANTED A LITTLE FRIEND LIKE YOU I’D SQUAT DOWN AND SHIT ONE OUT!”
P2 for “WAY TO RUIN CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLE!”
RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION for THE EXCHANGE: “WHAT HAPPENED TO VEGAS?” “THE DESERT TOOK IT BACK.”
SPECIES: THE AWAKENING for “FERTILIZATION ACHIEVED!”
THERE WILL BE BLOOD for “YOU’RE JUST THE AFTERBIRTH THAT SLITHERED OUT OF YOUR MOTHER’S FILTH!”
300 for “THIS IS
TRANSFORMERS for “STOP LUBRICATING ON THAT MAN!”
ZOO for “MAYBE I’LL JUST FEEL THE HORSE’S NUTS.”
BEST DIRECTOR
THE COHEN BROTHERS for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
JASON REITMAN for JUNO
ROBERT RODRIGUEZ/QUENTIN TARANTINO/ROB ZOMBIE/ELI ROTH/EDGAR WRIGHT for GRINDHOUSE
ZACK SNYDER for 300
MARTIN WEISZ for THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2
WORST MOVIE
ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM
BLOODRAYNE 2: DELIVERANCE
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME
TRANSFORMERS
BEST MOVIE
GRINDHOUSE
THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2
SPIDER-MAN 3
300
28 WEEKS LATER
I will announce the winners soon.
