THE APPLE (1980) NO STARS
For anyone who thought that Xanadu was an understated masterpiece of restrained emotion. For anyone who thought that Can’t Stop the Music was a touching portrait of wonderment and beauty. For anyone who thought The Wall made sense. I give you The Apple.
Of all the mind numbing, inexplicable, ridiculous musicals made in the late 70’s and the early 80’s, The Apple is the bottom of the barrel. Imagine if a homosexual hairdresser from
Let’s talk gay for a second. Remember the scenes of Al Pacino in the S & M leather bar in Cruising? That will seem like John Wayne in McClintock once you witness this movie.
Seriously, this movie is gay.
And I’m not just saying that because it features a musical number that takes place completely inside the confines of a transsexual orgy. I mean this movie is GAY.
(Just so the PC Police don’t get me, when I say that this movie is gay, I mean it in every form of the word. 1. Homosexual. 2. Slang for extremely weak. 3. Happy. Okay, except definition 3.)
The plot has Catherine Mary Stewart (long before she was in Night of the Comet) and her clueless boyfriend trying to get a recording contract for BIM Records. Of course the devilish agent signs only her to a contract and turns her into an overnight sensation while her wimpy boyfriend joins a clan of hippies who believe in peace. Now see the movie is called The Apple because in one of the film’s increasing non-heterosexual dance numbers, Mary takes a bite of the titular fruit a la the Garden of Eden and loses her musical innocence. In the end, God himself puts a stop to all the legwarmer, crimped hair, gay S & M, transsexual, rejects from Fame, rejects from Hair, rejects from Tommy, rejects from Buck Rodgers shenanigans and everyone follows his Holy Cadillac to Heaven. It’s a shame he didn’t show up 85 minutes sooner and saved us a lot of time.
The sad thing is that for a movie that has all the testosterone of Paul Lynde, it was directed by a man who has done so much for Manly Men the world round. Of course I’m talking about Menahem Golan. The man who founded Cannon Pictures, produced 700 Charles Bronson movies, and taught us all the meaning of the word Breakin.’ The man who directed such classics as Enter the Ninja, The Delta Force and Over the Top was also responsible for this limp wristed LSD nightmare. Had Charles Bronson, Chuck Norris or Sly Stallone ever knew that Golan directed this flick, I’m sure none of them would’ve ever been associated with Golan for directing this shit-heap.
The Apple will make you doubt your sanity more in one minute than Glen or Glenda did in it’s entire running time, so I guess that’s worth something. It’s the Citizen Kane of bad movie musicals.
AKA: Star Rock.