February 16th, 2008

1ST ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS. AND THE WINNERS ARE...

We know what time it is.  Time when all the Hollywood folk start falling all over themselves to praise each other and tell each other how good they look and how great they are.  Time for all the celebs to show off their tans they got while standing out on the picket line.  Time for all the women to start showing off their inexplicably expensive gowns from designers I can't pronounce and never heard of.  Time for them Price Waterhorse jerk offs to stand around smugly with their little briefcases.  Time for Tim Robbins to tell us all that for every million he made off of Bull Durham, there's a thousand starving African children that need our help.  

Yep, it's Oscar time in Hollywood.  

But for the true connoisseurs of cinema, there's only one award show that really matters.  It's the Video Vaccum Awards.  

I been sweating trying to pull the award show together.  Phone calls were made (I was put on hold A LOT), agents were notified (I was put on hold A LOT), and the stars themselves were invited to attend the gala event (Mila Jovovich was so touched about being nominated that she couldn't even pull herself together long enough to return my phone call).  

Turns out nobody showed up.  That's okay though, cuz I'm giving them out anyway.  

First off, as much as I'm trying to distance myself from the pretentiousness of the Oscars, I have to cave in with one thing.  You know those "technical awards" they hand out every year?  The ones that some has been like Kim Basinger hosts where a bunch of people get awards for "technical achievements" that are too boring to even include in the regular ceremony?  Well I have a set of those I'd like to hand out real fast.  The only reason I call them "technical awards" is because technically the categories were so narrow that only one (or sometimes two) films could even QUALIFY for consideration.  Here goes...

BEST COITUS INTERUPTUS VIA GUNFIRE

 

SHOOT ‘EM UP

 

BEST SKYDIVING ACTION SEQUENCE

 

SHOOT ‘EM UP

 

RECORD NUMBER OF DEATHS VIA CARROT

 

SHOOT ‘EM UP

 

GOLDEN GELDING AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN SCROTAL DAMAGE

 

ROGER BART in HOSTEL 2

 

RUNNER UP:  GRENDEL in BEOWULF

 

BEST MUSICAL

 

WALK HARD:  THE DEWEY COX STORY

 

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME

 

RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION

 

RUNNER UP:  DOA:  DEAD OR ALIVE

 

WORST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME

 

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

 

BEST REMAKE

 

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

 

WORST REMAKE

 

THE HITCHER

 

WORST MOVIE BASED ON A COMIC BOOK

 

30 DAYS OF NIGHT

 

HOTEL AWARD (FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BEST WESTERN)

 

3:10 TO YUMA

BEST HAIRSTYLIST

WHOEVER CAME UP WITH JAVIER BARDEM'S PORN STAR LOOK in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

Okay now that that nonsense is out of the way, on with the show.

CRAZY PERSON AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN INSANITY 

And the nominees are...

 

JAVIER BARDEM as ANTON CHIGURGH in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

 

JOHN GOODMAN as THE ARMS DEALER in DEATH SENTENCE

 

MARCIA GAY HARDEN as MRS. CARMODY in THE MIST

 

ASHLEY JUDD as AGNES in BUG

 

TYLER MANE as MICHAEL MYERS in HALLOWEEN

And the winner is... JAVIER BARDEM for CREEPING EVERYBODY OUT WITHOUT MOVING A FACIAL MUSCLE.

 

BEST ZOMBIE  MOVIE

 

And the nominees are...

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

 

GRINDHOUSE

 

I AM LEGEND

 

RESIDENT EVIL EXTINCTION

 

28 WEEKS LATER

And the winner is... GRINDHOUSE.  EXCELLENT GUT MUNCHING "SICKOS". 

 

WORST MUSICAL

 

And the nominees are...

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

 

HAIRSPRAY

 

SWEENEY TODD:  THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET

 
And the LOSER is... ACROSS THE UNIVERSE for MAKING ME WISH MARK DAVID CHAPMAN SHOT JOHN LENNON 30 YEARS SOONER SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THAT CRAP.

BEST SEQUEL

 

And the nominees are...

FANTASTIC FOUR:  RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

 

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

 

OCEAN’S THIRTEEN

 

SPIDER-MAN 3

 

28 WEEKS LATER

And the winner is... 28 WEEKS LATER FOR BEING 28 TIMES BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL.

 

WORST SEQUEL

 

And the nominees are...

ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM

 

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

 

PUMPKINHEAD:  BLOOD FEUD

 

SAW IV

 

SPECIES:  THE AWAKENING

And the LOSER is... BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE because NOBODY MAKES CRAPPY SEQUELS BASED ON A VIDEO GAME LIKE UWE BOLL.

 

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A COMIC BOOK

 

And the nominees are...

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

 

GHOST RIDER

 

SPIDER-MAN 3

 

300

And the winner is... SPIDER-MAN 3 because 3 TIMES THE VILLAINS IS 3 TIMES THE FUN.

 

BEST REVENGE MOVIE

 

And the nominees are...

THE BRAVE ONE

 

DEATH SENTENCE

 

HANNIBAL RISING

 

HOSTEL 2

And the winner is... DEATH SENTENCE because THE SPIRIT OF CHARLES BRONSON IS ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING INSIDE OF KEVIN BACON.

 

BEST COMEDY


And the nominees are... 


HOT FUZZ

 

KNOCKED UP

 

SUPERBAD

 

RENO 911: THE MOVIE

 

WALK HARD:  THE DEWEY COX STORY

And the winner is... HOT FUZZ for THE EXCELLENT POINT BREAK SPOOF.

 

BEST HORROR MOVIE

 

And the winner is...

GRINDHOUSE

 

HILLS HAVE EYES 2

 

HOSTEL 2

 

THE MIST

 

28 WEEKS LATER

And the winner is... GRINDHOUSE because YOU CAN'T BEAT TWO GREAT MOVIES FOR ONE LOW PRICE.

 

RIP AWARD FOR BEST DEATH SCENE

 

And the nominees are...

VANESSA FERLITO for TAKING A CAR TO THE FACE in DEATH PROOF

 

ROGER BART for RECEIVING THE SWEDISH SPECIAL in HOSTEL 2

 

THE LEAD MUTANT for GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD, HAVING HIS BRAINS PULLED OUT LIKE GRAPEFRUIT, GETTING A POLE SHOVED THROUGH HIS STOMACH, GETTING HIS ARM CHOPPED OFF WITH A MACHETE, HAVING HIS NUTS CRUSHED WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER… TWICE, AND HAVING A BAYONET SHOVED DOWN HIS THROAT in THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

 

MEGA SNAKE for SADDLING UP TO THE MATTERHORN AND CHOMPING DOWN ON PASSENGER’S HEADS in MEGA SNAKE

 

QUENTIN TARANTINO for HIS MELTING GENITALIA in PLANET TERROR

And the winner is... THE MUTANT FROM THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 for THE BEST DEATH OF THE KILLER SCENE SINCE FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 4.

 

WORST DIRECT-TO-DVD-SEQUEL

 

And the nominees are...

BLOODRAYNE 2

 

SPECIES 4

 

DECOYS 2

 

PUMPKINHEAD:  BLOOD FEUD

And the LOSER IS... BLOODRAYNE 2.  UWE BOLL STRIKES AGAIN.

 

BEST ACTOR

 
And the nominees are...

JAVIER BARDEM for CREEPING UP THE JOINT in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

 

GERARD BUTLER for SLAUGHTERING PERSIANS WITH EXTREME PREDJUDICE in 300

 

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS for DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HIS GRUBBY HANDS ON SOME OIL, EVEN IF IT MEANS BASHING A PREACHER IN THE HEAD WITH A BOWLING PIN in THERE WILL BE BLOOD

 

THOMAS JANE for SHOOTING EVERYONE IN THE SUV AND THEN WHOOPS! in THE MIST

 

KURT RUSSELL for WAXING PHILOSOPHICAL ON THE UPS AND DOWNS OF A STUNT MAN’S LIFE THEN RUNNING OVER WOMEN AT HIGH SPEEDS in DEATH PROOF

And the winner is... JAVIER BARDEM for PLAYING ONE HECK OF A SCARY MEXICAN. 

 

BEST ACTRESS

And the nominees are...

 

ZOE BELL for DOING ALL HER OWN STUNTS AND BEING THE LEAST ANNOYING FEMALE CHARACTER in DEATH PROOF

 

MARCIA GAY HARDEN for GOING TOTALLY BONKERS IN THE GROCERY STORE AND PREDICTING JUDGEMENT DAY in THE MIST

 

MILA JOVOVICH for BEING HOT AND KILLING ZOMBIES in RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION

 

ROSE MCGOWAN as THE ONE-LEGGED STRIPPER WITH A SEMI-AUTOMATIC PROSTHESIS in PLANET TERROR

 

ELLEN PAGE for BEING PREGNANT AND KEEPING HER HORMONES MORE OR LESS IN CHECK in JUNO

And the winner is... ROSE MCGOWAN for PROVING THAT THE HANDICAPPED ARE HANDI-CAPABLE OF BEING ACTION HEROES.

 

SCREENWRITING AWARD FOR BEST LINE OF DIALOGUE OF THE YEAR

 

And the nominees are...

BUG for “I AM THE SUPER MOTHER BUG!”

 

1408 for “THAT’S ONE EVIL FUCKING ROOM!”

 

THE MIST for “IF I WANTED A LITTLE FRIEND LIKE YOU I’D SQUAT DOWN AND SHIT ONE OUT!”

 

P2 for “WAY TO RUIN CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLE!”

 

RESIDENT EVIL:  EXTINCTION for THE EXCHANGE:  “WHAT HAPPENED TO VEGAS?”  “THE DESERT TOOK IT BACK.”

 

SPECIES:  THE AWAKENING for “FERTILIZATION ACHIEVED!” 

 

THERE WILL BE BLOOD for “YOU’RE JUST THE AFTERBIRTH THAT SLITHERED OUT OF YOUR MOTHER’S FILTH!”

 

300 for “THIS IS SPARTA!”

 

TRANSFORMERS for “STOP LUBRICATING ON THAT MAN!”

 

ZOO for “MAYBE I’LL JUST FEEL THE HORSE’S NUTS.”

And the winner is... ZOO.  "MAYBE I'LL JUST FEEL THE HORSES NUTS."  PURE POETRY.

 

BEST DIRECTOR

 

And the nominees are...

THE COHEN BROTHERS for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

 

JASON REITMAN for JUNO

 

ROBERT RODRIGUEZ/QUENTIN TARANTINO/ROB ZOMBIE/ELI ROTH/EDGAR WRIGHT for GRINDHOUSE

 

ZACK SNYDER for 300

 

MARTIN WEISZ for THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

And the winner is... ROBERT RODRIGUEZ/QUENTIN TARANTINO/ROB ZOMBIE/ELI ROTH/EDGAR WRIGHT for GRINDHOUSE.  IN THE SPIRIT OF THE MOVIE WE'RE GOING TO DISMEMBER THE AWARD IN FIVE PARTS AND DISPERSE IT AMONGST THE DIRECTORS.  ROBERT, YOU GET THE TORSO, QUENTIN YOU GET THE RIGHT ARM, ROB YOU GET THE LEFT ARM, ELI THE LEFT LEG, EDGAR THE RIGHT LEG.  I'LL WORK OUT VISITATION RIGHTS FOR THE HEAD AFTER THE SHOW.

 

WORST MOVIE

 

And the nominees are...

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

 

ALIENS VS. PREDATOR:  REQUIEM

 

BLOODRAYNE 2:  DELIVERANCE

 

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

 

TRANSFORMERS 

And the LOSER is... BLOODRAYNE 2.  UWE BOLL GETS THE QUADRUPLE CROWN OF CRAP.  WORST SEQUEL, WORST DIRECT-TO-DVD SEQUEL,  WORST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME AND NOW WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

 

BEST MOVIE

 

And the nominees are...

GRINDHOUSE

 

THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

 

SPIDER-MAN 3

 

300

 

28 WEEKS LATER

 

And the winner is...

(Drum roll please...)

GRINDHOUSE!  WAS THERE EVER A DOUBT?

See you all next year...

2007: THE TOP TEN FILMS OF THE YEAR

1. GRINDHOUSE

"Two great movies for the price of one!"

2. 28 WEEKS LATER

"28 times better than the original!"

3. SPIDER-MAN 3 

"3 times the villains is three times the fun!"

4. THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2

"The best inbred cannibal rapist movie of the new millennium."

5. 300

"Excellent battle scenes."

6. HOT FUZZ

"Those Shaun of the Dead boys score again."

7. THE MIST

"The Best Apocalypse in a Supermarket Movie ever made!"

8. DEATH SENTENCE

"The spirit of Charles Bronson is alive and well and living in Kevin Bacon."

9. FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

"The Silver Surfer was my favorite comic book character as a kid, so lay off!"

10. HOSTEL 2

"Some of the best testicular torture we've seen since I Spit on Your Grave."

HONORABLE MENTION:

SHOOT 'EM UP

"The best brain dead action movie since Transporter 2!"