March 2nd, 2008

BLACK EMANUELLE 2 (1976) **

For whatever reason, Laura Gemser decided not to reprise her role as “Black Emanuelle” for the first sequel in the long running series, so we’re stuck with Sharon Lesley.  She’s nowhere near as hot, sexy or entertaining as Gemser, but at least she’s actually BLACK!  (Gemser was Indonesian.)  She’s got a nice rack too, so that helps somewhat. 

 

In this installment, Emanuelle has amnesia (stemming from a bombing in Beirut) and gets locked up in a looney bin.  Her doctor tries to get her to remember her identity, but mostly he's too busy dealing with his nymphomaniac niece who always wants to fuck him.  During the course of the movie, Emanuelle is whipped in a dungeon, has sex with her photographer, gets groped by a homeless street musician, has sex with her basketball player during halftime, has a lesbian tryst with the doctor’s niece, does some nude body painting, and gets gangbanged by a bunch of bikers. 

 

The story is told in flashbacks Rashomon style (some people remember things differently and we see the same scene play out through their different points of view), which makes things needlessly arty.  This installment is rather light in the sex and sleaze department and at times almost seems like an R rated version of General Hospital.  Lesley doesn't come close to matching Gemser's magnetism, but as unrelated sequels of rip-offs that don’t feature any of the same actors go, you can do a Hell of a lot worse.  

 

Dagmar (House by the Cemetery) Lassander co-stars as the psychiatrist’s frigid wife, and gets the movie’s best line:  “Up your fat fanny with you and your Freud!” 

 

AKA:  The New Black Emanuelle. 

CHING WU AND SHAOLIN KUNG FU (1977) *

Bruce Le stars as Ching Wu, a kung fu expert who kicks ass in Japanese occupied WWII era China.  The dirty Japs go around systematically closing down Chinese karate schools and when they murder Bruce’s brother, he goes out for revenge.  He roams around the countryside getting into kung fu battles and swordfights with Japanese soldiers all in the name of vengeance.  After the Japanese top brass get wind of his activities, he hightails it to Korea to train with his master.  The bad guys send a gang of bad muthas that include Bolo (Enter the Dragon) Yeung and a dude with a Hitler moustache to Korea to find Bruce and whoop him good.  They make a pit stop to kill his master and rape his daughter first, and that makes Bruce REAL mad.  You can probably guess what happens after that.  Le spends the next 20 minutes kung fuing the crap out of Japanese dudes. 

 

As much as I like watching Le and Yeung, this flick gives them nothing memorable to do.  This is pretty much your (below) average Chinese period piece with a few half assed kung fu sequences tossed in.  It moves at a snail’s pace and it’s extremely hard to tell who is who as all the Koreans, Chinese and Japanese dudes all look alike.  That’s not a slam against Asian people in general, just the chuckleheads that are in this movie.   

 

The action sequences look like they were choreographed by a retarded five year old and the dubbing is some of the worse I’ve seen.  At least there’s an occasional tit or two that’ll keep you from completely dozing off on this turd. 

 

In the end, Le gets gunned down by a firing squad, but that didn’t stop him from returning for the sequel the next year. 

 

AKA:  Bruce and Shaolin Kung Fu.  AKA:  Bruce vs. Black Dragon.  AKA:  Shadow of the Snake Wizard.

CHING WU AND SHAOLIN KUNG FU 2 (1978) *

 

A wise old kung fu master brings Bruce Le back to life after being gunned down by Japanese soldiers in the first movie.  When the Japanese learn that Le has come back from the dead, they send out some soldiers to kill him AGAIN.  After Le’s master is murdered at the hands of the scumbag soldiers, Le vows to get revenge AGAIN.  This time he gets ANOTHER master to teach him Tae Kwon Do in order to take on the Japs. 

 

This is pretty much the same movie as the first one.  All the same stuff happens.  Bruce still looks like a deer in the headlights and talks in a horribly dubbed voice.  Even the fight scenes are pretty much the same (it looks like Stevie Wonder was the stunt coordinator), that is to say they are extremely weak. 

 

All the same people involved in Part 1 were responsible for this mess too.  You’d think they’d learn from the (numerous) mistakes they made on the first movie and try to improve on the formula, but alas, this one sucks llama cunt too.  What makes things worse this time out is that it takes FOREVER for Bruce to get resurrected and regain his strength to the point of actually taking his revenge.  Also, too much time is spent on the Japanese soldiers plotting to kill Bruce and not enough on them actually doing it.   

 

What makes this heap of hyena dung memorable (at least more memorable than the first movie that is) is that the familiar theme from The Young and the Restless is heard during the more “dramatic” scenes of the movie.  Every time you hear it (and you’ll hear it A LOT), you’ll half expect Victor to show up and punch Bruce’s lights out. 

 

AKA:  Bruce and Shaolin Kung Fu.