March 5th, 2008

EMANUELLE ON TABOO ISLAND (1976) **

A jackass junkie named Daniel (Paolo Giusti) gets pissed because his old lady OD’s on heroin and cheats on him (in that order) so he shipwrecks himself on a desert island.   When he realizes that the only food he brought with him was a bottle of booze and a box of Whitman’s Samplers, he gets kinda crazy and smashes his radio along with a bunch of cocoanuts.  After about twenty minutes of bitching and moaning, he decides to check the rest of the island out and runs into the beautiful Haydee, played by Laura Gemser. 

 

That’s right folks; it’s another Emanuelle movie where they don’t even bother to call her Emaunelle.  I tell ya, only the Italians could get away with this kind of stuff. 

 

Arthur (Let Sleeping Corpses Lie) Kennedy plays Haydee’s grouchy dad who wants Daniel off the island, but Haydee and her brother (Nicola Paguone) like him, so they teach him how to fish using a spear.  Haydee and Daniel start making goo-goo eyes at each other and you know what that means:  Pretty soon they’re going to be doing the Blue Lagoon Boogie. 

 

Little does Daniel know that her brother has also been slipping her the Christopher Atkins special, which makes things kinda awkward for everybody, including the audience.   

 

For the first part of the movie there’s a whole lot of sub-Cast Away high jinx, except instead of Tom Hanks, we get a nondescript, sweaty, badly dubbed Italian actor.  It seems like forever before Gemser finally shows up, but it’s okay cuz when she does, she rarely wears a shirt. 

 

I’m not going to rag on the flimsy plot, sluggish pacing, amateurish acting, cruddy cinematography or lamentable dialogue (“You’re a prisoner… of DOPE!”) because honestly, this movie exists for one reason and one reason only, and that’s Laura Gemser getting naked.  She gets naked enough to satisfy her fans and that’s what really counts.  The flick may be as involving as watching splooge stains dry on your jeans, but since Gemser’s tits are constantly on display, I can’t get too mad at it.  Besides you don’t rent an Emanuelle movie for it’s groundbreaking contributions to cinema, you watch it to ogle Gemser’s rack.  And for that reason, I can’t bring myself to give it any less than **. 

 

AKA:  A Beach Called Desire.  AKA:  Taboo Island.