Okay so you know you’re in trouble when:
1. You’re watching a sequel to a movie that was based in name only on a Stephen King story.
2. This sequel has an alternate subtitle. Sometimes it goes by Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe’s War. Other prints are labeled Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace. Many movies have alternate titles, but precious few have alternate SUBTITLES. You can probably guess the quality of said films.
3. Jeff Fahey, the star of the first movie is nowhere to be found. Seriously, what movie has Jeff Fahey EVER said, “Thanks, but no thanks” to? Answer: This one.
4. The replacement for Fahey is Matt (Max Headroom) Frewer. How many theatrical movies do you know of actually STAR Matt Frewer? Answer: This one.
5. Not only did Frewer use to play Max Headroom, he plays him again… in this movie.
6. The filmmakers explain that Frewer’s character Jobe, suffered from severe burns and had reconstructive surgery in order to say “Hey, we got ourselves a new actor who doesn’t look anything like the guy from the first movie, but it MAKES SENSE!”
7. The first seven minutes of the movie are projected through a tiny box in the middle of the screen. There’s letterbox, then there’s Crackerjack Box. This movie is filmed in the latter.
8. The only person returning from the first movie is Austin O’Brien. He was in another sequel. It was called My Girl 2. That does not bode well.
9. Austin O’Brien is four years older than he was in the first movie, but the “future” setting of the film looks about FORTY years after the first movie.
10. Virtual Reality is a main plot point.
11. The movie features inane futuristic techno-jargon like “jacking in”, “full-on sensory involvement”, “Kryon chips”, “nano-matching hardware” and “trans-matrix”. Jacking in? I’d rather be jacking off than watch this crap.
12. Characters say things like, “I don’t get it”, “I’m unclear how all this fits together”, and “Who are you?”, and you wholeheartedly agree with them.
13. The flick supposedly takes place in the “future” but Patrick Bergin dresses like Dances With Wolves.
14. The “cyberspace” computer effects make the ones from the first movie look like Tron by comparison.
15. “Security footage” is actually just scenes from the movie we’ve already seen. I mean how many security cameras out there use editing, dolly shots and close-ups? Answer: The ones in this movie.
16. You start doing your laundry mid-movie and suddenly, finding that ever elusive missing sock takes precedence over trying to understand the plot of the movie.
17. The corporate villain of the film is about as menacing as James Lipton from Inside the Actor’s Studio.
18. Out of sheer boredom, you start calling this movie names like YAWNmower Man 2: Jobe’s SNORE.
19. Out of sheer boredom, you start thinking up porno spoof titles for this movie like Cockblower Man 2: Jobe’s Whore
20. You hear the line, “People will look to him as the new Messiah in cyberspace” and try with all your might not to piss your pants with laughter.
21. You hear the line, “The womb of cyberspace is a chance for a new beginning” and you ALMOST succeed in pissing your pants with laughter.
22. The climatic swordfight is worse than anything in a Highlander sequel.
23. Characters start flying around for no apparent reason and the effects are worse than anything in Superman 4: The Quest for Peace.
24. When the movie SHOULD be over, it isn’t over.
25. When Jobe, the main villain of the movie, a guy who tried to cripple the world’s financial market, caused the death of several people and tried to slice up Patrick Bergin with a samurai sword has his plans for world domination thwarted, what happens? Nothing. In fact, everyone is all buddy-buddy with him. They even get him settled into a wheelchair and wheel him out so he can see the dawning of a new day. What kind of movie has the villain immediately being forgiven of all wrongdoing without even TRYING to apologize? Answer: This movie.
Honestly this movie is so bad that after you watch it, you won’t even want to LOOK at a computer for three weeks.
It’s so bad you’ll probably swear off any movie with the number 2 in it for at least a month.
Seriously folks, as far as cheapjack sequels to Stephen King movies go; Lawnmower Man 2 makes Children of the Corn 7 look like The Shining by comparison.
AKA: Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace.