May 13th, 2008

TEETH (2008) ****

A vehemently virginal high school chick named Dawn (Jess Weixler) gets raped.  Luckily for her (and the audience), her pussy is packing a set of sharp chompers that John Wayne Bobbitt anybody who comes up inside her business.

 

That’s right folks, this movie is all about a Killer Cunt.

 

A Vasectomy Vag.

 

A Psycho Snatch.

 

A Vicious Va-jay-jay.   

 

A Castrating Coochie.

 

A Terror Twat.

 

This movie features not one but THREE excellent scenes where some hapless dude tries to slip Dawn the sausage surprise and her man-eating pussy bites it off.  (There’s even a great scene where an uncouth gynecologist tries to slip her the four fingered Charlie and gets his digits gnawed off, too.)  Teeth also contains one of the grisliest castration scenes since I Spit on Your Grave, no small feat believe you me.

 

What I dug about this movie is that it didn’t go for any cheap exploitation shocks.  Nor did it try to be a cheesy After School Special.  (Substituting underage drinking with toothy vaginas, of course.)  Director Mitchell Lichtenstein actually depicted high school life with a keen eye and did as good of a job portraying teens in this movie as Jason Reitman did in Juno. 

 

Teeth is quite simply the Best Killer Vagina Flick of the Year.  Possibly of all time.

 

One of Dawn’s prospective penis donors gets the best line of the movie.  When trying to coax the pants off her, he says:  "C’mon, I haven’t jerked off since Easter!”

 

Teeth has enough scrotum squirming moments to land it at Number 3 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten of the Year, just below Iron Man and right above Shine a Light.