June 2nd, 2008

CINDY AND DONNA (1970) **

Poor teenage Cindy (Debbie Osborne) doesn’t have a clue when it comes to sex.  She doesn’t have the best role models as her dad is having an affair with a stripper and her mother is a boozing alky.  Her big sister Donna (Nancy Ison) isn’t any help either as she’s always off having sex, smoking grass and saying stuff like “groovy” all the time.  Meanwhile Cindy yearns to grow up as fast as she can so she can experience all the sleazy pleasures the late 60’s has to offer.  With no one to turn to, Cindy learns the hard way about sex.  She masturbates, gets stoned, has a lesbian tryst with her best friend and eventually seduces Donna’s dope pushing boyfriend.  After Donna gets gangbanged at a sexy photo shoot, she comes home to see her boyfriend humping Cindy.  The scuzzbucket, annoyed that he just got cockblocked, throws Donna into the middle of the street and she is promptly run over by a car.  The End. 

 

Wait, HUH!?! 

 

You know for about 75 minutes, Cindy and Donna is a halfway watchable 70’s softcore skin flick.  Then from out of nowhere, the filmmakers toss in this moralistic, downbeat ending that throws cold water on all the sexy shenanigans.  The silver lining is that Osborne and Ison are pretty good in their respective roles and have plenty of topless scenes. 

 

If you can stomach all the sub-After School Special theatrics, you’ll also be treated to scads of topless dancing and lots of long (though not particularly titillating) softcore sex scenes.  The scant 79 minute running time certainly helps, but unfortunately the filmmakers felt compelled to ruin everything with their gratuitous “message” that comes out of left field at the very end. 

 

Ison gets the best line of the movie when scoring some grass:  “I could really dig on getting high!”

THE DIRTY TWO (1972) *

Klaus (For a Few Dollars More) Kinski and Ray (Violent City) Saunders star as two American GI’s in WWII who freak out and kill their own men and rape a civilian woman (though it looked to me like she was enjoying it).  George (The Case of the Scorpion’s Tail) Hilton is assigned to oversee their death by firing squad, but before their sentence can be carried out, the Germans attack and the prisoners escape.  Hilton eludes the Nazis and then sets out to recapture Kinski and Saunders.  Behind enemy lines and low on ammo, the three men make an uneasy alliance to stay alive, an alliance that is severely tested when they take shelter in a small town that welcomes them as heroes and liberators. 

 

This badly dubbed low budget Italian Dirty Dozen knockoff is dull as all get out, but then again what did you expect from a badly dubbed low budget Italian Dirty Dozen knockoff?  I mean the first sign you’re in trouble is when the budget is so low that the filmmakers could only afford 1/6 as many soldiers as the original Dirty Dozen.  And when you find yourself watching a badly dubbed low budget Italian Dirty Dozen knockoff with 1/6 the amount of soldiers, you have to at least expect it to be 1/6 as good.  Well, The Dirty Two is actually 1/4 as good as The Dirty Dozen, but that’s still only good enough for one star.

 

While it’s always fun to watch Kinski act typically bonkers (especially when he’s so poorly dubbed), the rest of the movie is pretty tough going.  What passes for “action” is haphazardly staged and executed and the film really hits a dead spot when it turns into some kind of half assed Three Amigos shit with the soldiers agreeing to save the small town from the invading Germans.  

 

At one point Kinski says, “Crap, crap, nothing but crap!”  I agree. 

 

AKA:  Salt in the Wound.  AKA:  The Liberators.  AKA:  War Fever.

SINAI COMMANDOS: A STORY OF THE SIX DAY WAR (1968) ½ *

 

In 1967, Israel claimed it’s independence by fighting off it’s Arabic neighbors in a six day military siege.  This tedious war movie is all about the team of crack Israeli commandos (led by Robert Fuller) who were sent behind enemy lines for a sneak attack that started the war for independence. 

 

It’s funny because the movie is only 95 minutes long but I’ll be damned if it didn’t feel longer than the actual war itself. 

 

The action was extremely weak (lots of stock footage is used) and the “dramatic” portions of the film were thoroughly coma inducing, but I DID like the scene where Fuller’s wife cornered him and forced him to impregnate her… or else.  If the action sequences in this flick were nearly as entertaining as that one scene, Sinai Commandos could’ve been a lot of fun.  Despite that one fun, goofy bit of business, the rest of the movie is boring beyond belief. 

 

Because of the subject matter, the flick will be of interest to some history buffs out there.  I mean having a war movie about Jews vs. Arabs as opposed to say, Americans vs. Germans is novel to say the least, but that novelty quickly wears out it’s welcome thanks to the stagnant pacing and the non-existent action.