June 5th, 2008

SCHOOLGIRL REPORT VOL. 1: WHAT PARENTS DON’T THINK IS POSSIBLE (1972) ** ½

After a schoolgirl seduces her bus driver while on a field trip to a nuclear power plant, she is reprimanded and brought before the school board, who want to expel her.  The school psychiatrist comes to her defense and tells the faculty that he’s been doing some research on the subject of oversexed schoolgirls and gives them his findings.  The rest of the movie is nothing more than acted out vignettes of the doctor’s case studies peppered with man-on-the-street interviews of a reporter asking young girls frank sexual questions. 

 

The vignettes are pretty hit and miss, but some of the better ones include: a girl who tells dirty stories to a priest through the confessional, a three-way lesbian scene, and a girl who masturbates using a stuffed animal.  The shrink tells the council that the sexed up underaged girls aren’t victims, but rather sexually aggressive vixens who almost always are the ones who initiate the copulation.  (We see a math tutor, a gym teacher, and a lifeguard all being seduced by the foxy females.) 

 

I realize that the Germans who made this flick had to try to pass this off as a “legitimate” documentary in order to show off a lot of underage girls balling their brains out, so I’ll overlook the fact that the man-on-the-street interviews really bog the pace down.  While some of the answers the kraut cunts give are illuminating, it all loses much of it’s intended punch since we know that they’re all giving staged responses. 

 

Schoolgirl Report Vol. 1 does have it’s fair share of crotch adjusting moments (I think the skinnydipping scene was my favorite), but the movie also has a number of bland sex scenes as well.  The good news is that the flick features one truly priceless WTF moment when a girl masturbates while thinking of horses fucking! 

 

It’s no Emanuelle in America, but it DOES have a lot of teenage girls having lots of dirty sex, which is always a good thing if you ask me. 

 

Followed by twelve (TWELVE!) sequels. 

 

One sexually precocious schoolgirl gets the best line of the movie when she says, “Be glad to get rid of your hymen!”

 

AKA:  Confessions of a Sixth Form Girl.  AKA:  The School Girls. 

THE WIZARD OF GORE (1970) ***

Montag the Magnificent (Ray Sager) is a crackpot magician who continuously invites a morning talk show host to see his magic act where he cuts a woman in half with a chainsaw, drives a metal spike through a woman’s skull, guides an industrial punch press through a chick’s abdomen and forces two other broads to swallow incredibly sharp swords.  Montag also gives a lot of pompous speeches about the line between reality and dreams and even though he’s really butchering girls on stage, the audience thinks it’s all an illusion.  The girls themselves appear fine until they leave the stage, go out to dinner and mysteriously end up REALLY being sawed in half, have a whole in their head, puking blood, etc.  The talk show host’s cop boyfriend figures it all out, but the reality bending surprise ending confuses the heck out of him, not to mention the audience. 

 

This is one of director H.G. (Blood Feast) Lewis’ better efforts because it features a terrific gore scene about every ten minutes or so.  Like most of Lewis’ gore movies, whenever someone gets their guts ripped out, Montag plays around with them in lingering close-ups.  (Lewis paid for those chicken livers covered in catsup and by God he’s gonna show ‘em!)  As with a lot of Lewis’ later works, The Wizard of Gore suffers from overlength and excess padding (the police procedural stuff brings things to a dead stop), but whenever Sager is on stage mutilating lovely women, it’s damn good times.

 

Sager (who later gave up acting and went on to produce all those unrelated Prom Night sequels) is excellent as Montag.  He could’ve looked pretty ridiculous, but he actually imbues Montag with a sense of menace and at times flashes a wicked sense of humor without being obvious or hammy. 

 

This is just a theory, but I think that this is probably Lewis’ most personal film.  I believe there’s a lot of Lewis in the character of Montag.  Consider the way that Montag chastises his audience’s bloodlust and then lets them revel in it.  Lewis probably had the same mentality while making this flick, but just like Montag, he’s a master showman who really delights in giving the audience for what they want to see; namely blood and gore.  And for that we should be entirely grateful. 

THE GRUESOME TWOSOME (1967) *** ½

 

The Gruesome Twosome is somewhat of an unsung classic in goremeister H.G. Lewis’ career.  I mean everyone knows Blood Feast, 2000 Maniacs and The Wizard of Gore, but nobody really bandies around The Gruesome Twosome when talking about Lewis’ films.  I hope to in some way remedy that with this review. 

 

For starters, this film is the only film on record that begins with two mannequin heads talking to each other in Southern accents.  And they talk for FIVE MINUTES straight, people!  Are you feeling the love I got for this movie yet?

 

The plot has a little old spinster named Mrs. Pringle (Elizabeth Davis) who runs a wig shop out of her home and lives with her mentally deranged son Rodney (Chris Martell) and their stuffed leopard Napoleon.  Mrs. Pringle has a room for rent and whenever a young co-ed comes to take a look at the room, Rodney scalps them.  The old biddy then sells the scalps as wigs to her unsuspecting customers. 

 

Okay, I admit there are long stretches of this movie in which NOTHING happens.  I will admit that the heroine of the film totally overdosed on Nancy Drew pills while trying to figure out why all those college girls were disappearing.  I’ll even give you that this flick features some of the worst editing in the history of the medium. 

 

That being said, The Gruesome Twosome simply has some of the best moments ever captured on film, so to me it’s totally worth it.


Let’s talk gore.  While no means is The Gruesome Twosome in the same league as Blood Feast when it comes to the red stuff, it still has enough scalpings, decapitations and gut ripping to be loads of fun.
 

The acting by the two leads is also pretty stellar.  Martell is nothing short of amazing as the crazy as an outhouse rat Rodney.  Looking at him in this film, you’ll swear he really IS retarded, and his performance is ten times better than Leonardo DiCaprio in that Gilbert Grape movie.  Davis is equally great playing a demented version of the All-American grandmother.  Call me crazy, but every time she talked to her stuffed leopard Napoleon I laughed. 

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah so what if the movie features long pointless scenes of people walking aimlessly around, I don’t care.  This movie features one of the greatest scenes of all time.  Of course, I’m talking about the inexplicable scene where a bunch of co-eds sitting around in their nighties start go-go dancing for no apparent reason while chowing down on Kentucky Fried Chicken. 

 

Look, it’s pretty hard to defend The Gruesome Twosome in any way, shape or form.  I admit it’s not a perfect movie.  I admit that the 72 minute running time sometimes seems more like 720.  I admit that you might have to be under the influence of a controlled substance to fully enjoy this movie, but dammit I do love me some Gruesome Twosome.

 

Let me put it to you this way:  Mannequin heads talking incessantly for five minutes about God knows what?  CLASSIC!  The scene where Rodney has to rip open a girl’s stomach in order to get Napoleon’s fresh liver dinner?  CLASSIC!  Crazy old women talking to stuffed leopards?  CLASSIC!  Random ass go-go dancing complete with gratuitous KFC product placement?  CLASSIC!

 

The Gruesome Twosome is still Number 7 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten for the great year of 1967, just above Point Blank and resting below Zatoichi Challenged. 

 

Suggested Drinking Game:  If you take a shot every time Mrs. Pringle talks to her stuffed leopard Napoleon; say hello to Charles Bukowski for me once you reach the great saloon in the sky.