July 26th, 2008

THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE (2008) *

 

Well I’ve been itching to give The Dark Knight another viewing (since I had some major problems with the final act), so me and the wife fired up the old Cavalier and gunned that sumbitch up to The Diamond State Drive-In Theater in Felton, Delaware for a Sequel Double Feature of Batman 6 and The X-Files Deux.  Now usually, the drive-in plays the newer movie first and the second-run movie last, but since The Dark Knight has been more popular than a double jointed hooker, they showed Batman first.  As previously stated, I have some problems with the last third of the movie, but I decided to give the film a second chance because the first time I saw it, it was midnight, I was dead tired, and my bladder was committing hari-kari on me for half the movie.  I thought that maybe seeing the flick at the drive-in, within the comfortable confines of my Cavalier, it might better my judgment a little. 

 

Well… I still stand by my original review.  The movie is perfect up until the ferry boat scene; then everything promptly goes down the shitter.  Heath Ledger is great, giving probably the best performance I’ve seen at the drive-in in quite sometime; one that we’d probably still be hooting and hollering about even if he didn’t go ahead and make himself into a Hot Topic Martyr.   *** ½. 

 

Then after the intermission (you know the one with the juggling box of popcorn), The X-Files:  I Want to Believe started up, or as I like to call it:  The X-Files:  I Want to Believe I’ll Somehow Get My Eight Bucks Back. 

 

Man did it ever stink up the joint. 

 

Now I was never a fan of the X-Files TV show, but the first movie was pretty decent.  Actually, now that I think about it, I can’t remember thing one that happened in that flick.  I don’t know if that’s because it’s been ten years since I last saw it or if it’s just because it just wasn’t all that memorable, I’m not sure.  Anyway, it’s the worst sequel since Indiana Jones fucked around with them crystal skull paperweights.

 

Billy (The Boondock Saints) Connolly stars as this psychic pedophile priest who acts like a bloodhound and sniffs out body parts hiding in icy lakes for the FBI.  Shit’s pretty weird right, so the Feds decide it’s high time to bring in Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) to help with the investigation.  Mulder mumbles a lot and Scully gives everyone that “I have PMS, don’t fuck with me” look of hers for about an hour so until they finally figure out that there are a bunch of homosexual Russian Frankenstein fuckers running around lopping off people’s body parts and gluing them onto their lover’s torso. 

 

Okay, roll call of all the movies this mess rips off of:

 

The Silence of the Lambs.  (Chubby women getting kidnapped and stuck in damp places while their captors dawdle around and wait to kill them.)

 

Turistas.  (Black market organ donors who prey upon unsuspecting Americans and steal their body parts.)

 

Pieces.  (A murderer running around collecting body parts.)

 

The Dead Zone.  (Psychic whackjob helping the police find a killer.)

 

Frankenhooker.  (A maniac with dubious medical credentials and a laboratory in his garage keeps this lover alive by slapping other people’s body parts onto ‘em.)

 

The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  (Sexual deviant building his perfect man out of spare body parts.)

 

Now you would THINK that a movie that rips off of all these flicks would have a recipe for success but unfortunately director (and series creator) Chris Carter doesn’t spring any of this on us until the last ten minutes.  That’s bad enough but the real problem with the movie is that there isn’t even enough plot in this thing to fill a one hour episode, let alone a two hour, decade-after-the-fact sequel.  In fact, nothing really feels very X-Filesy about this movie until the final reel.  Hell, even Indiana Jones 4 had more X-Files type shit in it than this flick.  I thought The X-Files was supposed to be all about aliens and crap, and not a bunch of half-assed-homosexual-organ-donors-bull-honky.  There’s also a Gratuitous Sick Kid Who Needs A Controversial Stem-Cell-Research Brain Operation that brings the movie to a screeching halt.  Not only that, but there’s also an unintentionally hilarious moment when the “eerie” X-Files whistling theme plays over a picture of George W. Bush that has to be seen to be… uh… believed.

 

Duchovny delivers a solid performance, if you can take his patented, nasally, monotone persona that is.  Anderson is okay, but the film gives her way too many I’ve-Got-To-Save-The-Sick-Retard scenes for her to flounder in.  On the plus side, neither one of them looks as if they’ve aged a day so if they ever decide to wait ANOTHER ten years to make XF3, at least they’ll still look the same. 

 

Token rapper Xzibit took time off from pimping people’s rides long enough to play the Asshole FBI Man who says things like, “I don’t believe this!”, just so Mulder can holler the movie’s subtitle, “I WANT to believe!” 

 

I WANT to believe I didn’t wait ten years to see this crap.

 

Well folks, seeing as though this MIGHT be the last year for the Diamond State Drive-In, we have to do our patriotic American duty to save this beloved establishment.  The drive-in movie theater itself is already an endangered species and the Diamond State Drive-In is the last drive-in left in state of Delaware.  So if you guys and gals love the drive-in as much as I do, drop the Felton Community Historical Society a line (ATT:  Sarah Ferguson, email:  sferguson@townoffelton.com) and let them know why you all think that the drive-in should remain in Delaware.