August 1st, 2008

.45 (2007) **

Any movie that opens up with Milla Jovovich talking incessantly about her boyfriend’s humongous schlong immediately gets my full attention.  (In more ways than one if you know what I mean.)  Any movie in which Milla Jovovich gets fucked and shows her goodies BEFORE the opening credits is also enough to keep me fully engrossed.  But any movie that slowly starts to descend into boring clichés and paper thin characters will make me lose interest REAL fast.  Then again, this movie features lots of scenes of Milla Jovovich nekkid (albeit tastefully), so it can’t be all THAT bad.   

 

Jovovich plays the girlfriend of a scumbag gun dealer named Big Al (Angus MacFadyen) who sells the titular gun from his collection under his nose.  When Al beats her within an inch of her life, she decides she’s had enough and seduces not one, but FOUR people and draws them into her elaborate revenge scheme.  Luckily for the audience, two out of the four people are LESBIANS, which means we get a couple of hot scenes where bull dykes munch down on Milla’s juice box. 

 

.45 is the kind of movie that there were scads of in the mid 90’s when everyone wanted to be the next Tarantino and filled their movies with skeevy underworld characters who spouted colorfully off-color dialogue, racial epithets and pop culture references.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn’t exactly help matters when most of the characters are as irritating as all get out.  The biggest annoyance of the movie comes from the characters constantly breaking the fourth wall and giving the audience confessionals about why the do this and can’t stand that, etc., etc., etc.  This device could’ve been put to good use, but unfortunately the dialogue in these scenes is amateurishly written and is delivered awkwardly compared what the characters say during the “plot” portions of the film.  The complete non-ending doesn’t do the flick any favors either.  

 

Milla looks incredibly hot naked and the lesbian scenes, while brief; are reason enough for me to recommend this flick to any heterosexual male with an ounce of testosterone and a heartbeat.  MacFadyen is pretty great while spouting shit like, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you fucking cunt!”, but it’s the skanky lesbian who gets the best line of the movie:  “You know men are like snow.  I never know how many inches I’m gonna get or how long it’s gonna last!”

THE BUSHWHACKER (1968) ***

 

A rugged pilot and three hot chicks (two of which are raging lesbians) crash their plane in the middle of nowhere.  They decide it’s best to build a fire, so while the pilot and one of the gals go to get wood, the pilot literally “gets wood” and they promptly bone in the middle of the forest.  Meanwhile there’s a lecherous hillbilly in a Davy Crockett hat who watches them from the bushes.  (Proving the theory if there’s a man in a movie wearing a Davy Crockett who doesn’t happen to BE Davy Crockett, he probably shouldn’t be trusted.)  When he gropes one of the sleeping girls in the night, it deeply disturbs her; and we all know the best cure for being groped by a demented pervert… HOT LESBIAN SEX!  The chick eventually ends up being tied up and kidnapped by the coonskin clad perv and everyone goes searching for her, taking only ONE time-out for some more tepid sex. 

 

This Bushwhacker fellow is one strange bird cuz once he finally gets his woman he likes to hang her from a tree, punch her in the gut, bite on her thighs, and then beat her with a branch.  (Hey, they don’t call him The Bushwhacker for nothing!)  After she’s finally dead, he slices her up with his Bowie knife and brands her. 

 

But that’s not the fucked up thing here, people.  After her lesbo lover discovers the chick’s dead body, she get SOOO grief stricken that she whips out her ginormous titties and starts rubbing them all over her former flame’s corpse!

 

My jaw is still on the floor from that one, folks. 

 

So anyway… uh back to the plot.  Umm… let’s see, so the Bushwhacker kidnaps the lone heterosexual female in the cast and takes her back to his old Punishment Tree and starts beating her like a punching bag.  When he finally gets bored enough, he cuts her tit off… AND EATS IT!

 

In the climatic showdown, the Final Lesbo decides she’s had enough so she challenges the Bushwhacker to a brawl (one of which she’ll HAVE to fight completely topless, you understand).  When it seems like she’s about to lose, the pilot miraculously steps in at the last minute to flambé the killer’s appendix out with a flare gun.

 

Incredible. 

 

Sex with dead lesbians.  Impromptu mastectomies performed by deranged cannibals in coonskin caps.  Goring via flare gun.  You’d think a movie with so much to offer would get an automatic four star rating, but unfortunately the flick does have its drawbacks.  First off, it’s cheap.  Super cheap.  El Cheap-O Grande.  How cheap you ask?  Well, the opening and closing credits are written on cardboard with a magic marker.  You want cheap?  How about the fact that plane “crash” is kept off screen and we never ONCE see the wreckage?  We’re talking Cheapskate City.

 

At least what budget there WAS went to chicks removing their clothes.  The girls aren’t very good actresses but they are all talented in all the right places if you catch my drift.  There are plenty of perky breasts on display as well as a few bushes that are in dire need of being whacked.  Strangely enough, the pilot dude keeps his pants on during all of his sex scenes.  While this at first may seem impractical for the participants engaging in the act, it’s probably for the better that I never got to see the beefy looking dude’s wiener.  

 

I didn’t mind the scenes of the women slowly disrobing but too much of the movie’s running time is padded with them meticulously putting their clothes BACK ON after the sex.  The endless scenes of people walking around aimlessly don’t help much either.  On the plus side though, I liked the swinging lounge music score (Dig that xylophone man!) and there are few things finer than necrophiliac lesbian sex to brighten up your movie. 

 

Director Byron Mabe (who plays The Bushwhacker) was also responsible for the minor classic A Smell of Honey, A Swallow of Brine.