August 27th, 2008

THE UNSEEN (1981) **

Mrs. Ringo Starr, Barbara (The Spy Who Loved Me) Bach stars in this middling horror flick from Danny (Friday the 13th Part V) Steinmann as a sexy reporter, who along with her two sexy friends spend the night at crazy old Sydney (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) Lassick’s mansion out in the middle of nowhere.  While Babs is out getting her story; Sydney’s hulking, diaper-wearing, inbred son (Stephen Furst from Animal House) is hiding in the floor grates and breathing heavier than an asthmatic Barry White.  Whenever the gals get THIS close to the hole in the floor; Furst grabs ‘em and squishes their faces through the grate.  When Barbara finally comes back to the mansion after some innocuous soap opera antics with her knucklehead boyfriend, Lassick locks her in the basement with the disgusting looking “Junior”.

 

Barbara’s had sex with Ringo Starr, so dealing with a demented retard in a diaper is a walk in the park for her.

 

Lassick is pretty great at acting crazier than an outhouse skunk on LSD and Furst gives one of the finest portrayals of a cellar dwelling mental midget in a diaper I’ve ever seen.  The females in the cast are fairly decent too.  One of the chicks has a touching “dramatic” scene in the bathtub where she bares a whole lot more than her soul to the camera, but unfortunately, Babs remains fully clothed throughout   (Ringo must’ve told her to keep them titties under wraps.)

 

Mostly though, there ain’t a whole lot going on in The Unseen for a good chunk of the movie.  A lot of the kills are off screen or (even worse) done without the benefit of a money shot.  The belated dysfunctional family reunion between Lassick and Furst is kinda amusing (I especially liked Furst’s wrestling moves) but the flick is almost completely devoid of gruesomeness until the final reel.  (Unless you count the chicken getting its head cut off gruesome.) 

 

I didn’t think The Unseen was terrible or anything, but Steinmann must’ve thought so because he took his name off the credits.  Speaking of credits, the late, great special effects legend Sam Winston helped concoct the story.