September 5th, 2008

LINDA LOVELACE FOR PRESIDENT (1975) NO STARS

A bunch of fucking multicultural hippies living in some goddamned commune out in the middle of the shitty woods try to pick their candidate for president and decide on porn star Linda Lovelace (playing the only thing she knows how to play, herself).  She says okay and starts campaigning across the country while finding time to hump various idiots along the way.  The other parties don’t take kindly to a woman candidate so they hire some inept hitman to kill her. 

 

At least I think that’s what happened.  This movie is so damn sloppily edited, directed and acted that I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.  And all I’ll say about the pacing is that I’m sure Stephen Hawking would have a field day explaining just how in the Hell 94 minutes can actually feel like an goddamned eternity. 

 

Damn this movie is embarrassing.  Some movies can be embarrassing because they are so bad that you feel embarrassed for yourself for even trying to put it into your DVD player.  Other films are so bad that you feel embarrassed for the poor people who actually agreed to be in the movie.  Linda Lovelace for President is embarrassing on both levels.  This flick is bad.  Real bad.  I didn’t laugh once from all the terrible sex related jokes and I didn’t get a boner once from all the lame R rated sex.  I couldn’t even have fun spotting guest stars like Scatman (The Shining) Crothers because just seeing them in this movie made me lose all respect for them.  Seriously, Micky Fucking Dolenz is in this movie as a dim-witted nearsighted bus driver.  You know, when I was a kid, Micky was my favorite Monkee.  Now, I hate the ever-loving shit out of him.  Thanks movie!

 

If you enjoy idiotic stereotypical characters, a lot of stupid hippies, and scads of unfunny jokes written by a mentally deficient burlesque comedian, then knock yourself out.  I was halfway tempted to generously give this movie ½ * just because Linda is naked a lot in it, but I just couldn’t do it.  I mean you can rent Deep Throat just as easily and see her doing the nasty for real instead of having tepid R rated sex scenes.  Plus you won’t have to sit through all of the shamefully inane “comedy” shit either.  She actually has a thin sliver of screen presence and an OK body (although her cunt lips hang down lower than my nut sack does), but even IF she was blowing dudes left and right with that Deep Throat of hers, it STILL wouldn’t save this turkey. 

 

This movie is so tortuous to sit through that I’m pretty sure it’s the top rental at the Guantanamo Bay Blockbuster. 

 

AKA:  Hot Neon.