September 9th, 2008

WILBUR AND THE BABY FACTORY (1970) **

Hippie Wilbur Steele (Peter Ford, the son of Glenn Ford) is about to get drafted to Nam when he gets signed up for a bizarre experiment in which he has to impregnate 2000 women.  At first it seems like a dream come true, but Wilbur slowly grows disenchanted with his rigorous schedule of fucking foxes and begins to become wary of his mysterious benefactor.  It turns out that the experiment is bankrolled by a bitter billionaire with a dick the size of a peanut (the great Stuart Lancaster from Faster Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!) who has a secret plan to sterilize the entire population of the United States. 

 

This premise sounds like it could’ve been a lot of fun; however director Tom McGowan is out to make one of those “message” movies.  I don’t know exactly what the “message” is, but there are a lot of mentions of the Vietnam War, the pill, and hippies spouting endlessly about God knows what.  McGowan shoots all of the sex scenes about the same, using garish colors to make things look as psychedelic as possible.  They aren’t very sexy, but what they lack in sensuality, they more than make up for it by sheer number.  While all of the boning scenes suffer from a dated flower powery look to them, at least there are a lot of them and they feature a lot of female flesh.  Things would have been a lot easier on the audience if McGowan had set out to make a groovy sex comedy and not a damn statement though.  

 

Ford is OK in the lead but he’s just too bland to carry the film.  At least Lancaster makes the most of his brief role and chews the scenery with his usual aplomb. 

 

If dated fashions and ideals are the kind of thing you want to see in your late 60’s softcore sex movie, then Wilbur and the Baby Factory is for you.  However, you will have to look elsewhere if you want a movie that will stimulate your nether regions. 

 

McGowan later went on to co-direct the immortal Night Train to Terror.  

 

AKA:  The Baby Factory.  AKA:  Sex Machine.  AKA:  The Loving Machine.  AKA:  The Pleasure Farm.

TANYA (1976) *

Remember the 70’s when you didn’t have to be good looking to star in a smut picture?  Well, you can relive those glorious days with Tanya, a fictionalized, no-budget, softcore account of the Patty Hearst story starring some of the ugliest motherfuckers you’ve ever seen in a sex flick. 

 

The “Symphonic Liberation Army” kidnaps an heiress named Charlotte Kane (Maria Arnold from Fugitive Girls) and say if her father (named Charles Foster Kane!!!) doesn’t meet their demands, they’ll kill her.  While daddy twiddles his thumbs, the prudish Charlotte gets introduced to some middling softcore sex, courtesy of her captors.  Once she’s turned into a full fledged slut by the SLA, Charlotte changes her name to Tanya and wants to fuck, fuck, fuck.    

 

The sex scenes are a grab bag of interracial, bald guys balling bitches with big bushes, and ugly lesbians going at it.  All of these scenes are indifferently staged (usually on the same set no less), poorly filmed and are decidedly unsexy.  With the exception of Miss Arnold, nearly all of the stars are about as photogenic as a dog’s ass and are forced to deliver a stream of unending hippie gobbledygook that will have you scrambling for the mute button. 

 

I guess back in ’76 people were hot to see a crass rip-off of the Hearst story.  32 years later, the headlines are history all that’s left is a woefully dated and none-too arousing bore.  

 

AKA:  Sex Queen of the SLA.