September 23rd, 2008

SS EXPERIMENT LOVE CAMP (1976) ***

A gaggle of Jewish women get sent to a debauched Nazi camp were the depraved goose-steppers perform all sorts of insane experiments on them.  First they electrocute them into pledging allegiance to the Third Reich and if they don’t, it’s straight to the crematorium with ‘em.  If they are real good they get to fuck a bunch of horny German soldiers while butch lesbos in white lab coats and clipboards take notes.  If they are bad they get sent to the nutty doctor who performs illicit ovary transplants on them. 

 

Meanwhile a hunky German soldier named Helmut gets attached to his “lab partner” Mirelle and wants to run away with her.  The mean ass commandant says the only way that will happen is if Helmut signs up for a super secret experiment and he stupidly says okay.  What he didn’t know is that he signed up to get his nuts cut off so they could be transplanted onto the commandant.  (He lost his testes after some irate Jewish woman bit them off.)  When the stitches heal, Helmut is one pissed off nutless Kraut.  He storms in on the commandant while he’s going to town on this other Jewish love camp experiment gal and says, “How have you been doing with my balls?”  He doesn’t get to find out though because there’s a female sex experiment uprising and all the girls butcher the commandant with any sharp object they can get their hands on.  It isn’t a happy ending though for the no-nut Helmut and his woman as they end up as Nazi machine gun fodder while trying to escape. 

 

It’s no Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS, but it’s a Hell of a lot more fun than Schindler’s List. 

 

If you like gross-out operation scenes, this flick is chockfull of ‘em.  There are multiple scenes of doctors tugging ovaries out of chicks and the nut-ectomy scene is one for the books.  As far as icky operations go, the Discovery Channel ain’t got shit on this movie. 

 

Any fan of Naziploitation worth their salt oughta check out SS Experiment Love Camp.  I don’t really care if it’s paced slower than a constipated turtle, it features plenty of jaw-dropping Did-I-Just-See-That? moments to make it worth spending 93 minutes of your life on.  Honestly, have you ever seen women frozen solid by irritated Nazi matrons?  Chicks pissing themselves while they’re sitting in Old Sparky and getting juiced with 20,000 volts?  How about extremely cheesed off scrotumless soldiers on a kill-anything-with-a-swastika rampage?  Folks, this movie has it all. 

 

AKA:  Captive Women 2:  Orgies of the Damned.  AKA:  SS Experiment.  AKA:  SS Experiment Camp.

THE HOLE (2003) * ½

Thora Birch is a mousy chick who convinces her annoying privileged British friends into having a slumber party over the weekend in an abandoned fallout shelter.  Thora wants to sleep with the dude from Wrong Turn but their prospective romance is put on hold when they get stuck down in “the hole” and have to try to survive.  But wait…

 

That’s not what happened.  What REALLY happened was that Thora was a scheming, coldhearted, and bitchy sociopath who invited her friends to the fallout shelter for a lot of partying and drugs.  She then trapped them all down in “the hole” and watched her friends go crazy, turn on each other, and eventually kill one another, so that she and the dude from Wrong Turn could finally be with each other. 

 

Basically it’s just a shitty British teen psycho-drama told Rashomon style.  ¾ of the teens all speak in irritating, whiny British accents and constantly bicker for over 100 minutes.  Not exactly a fun way to spend an evening at home in front of the tube. 

 

I really had nothing against the film’s structure.  The big problem I had was that the “true” version Birch tells the cops is far less entertaining and a lot more sluggishly paced than the first time she told it.  Also, I was a bit surprised at how little mileage director Nick Hamm (who later went on to direct Godsend) got out of the “hole” itself.  You’d think an ominous, decrepit bomb shelter would be an ideal place for a horror movie, but the teens could’ve been trapped anywhere really. 

 

There is one reason this movie exists though and that is to see Keira Knightley’s underage rack.  She was all of 15 at the time she made this and all I’m gonna say is her parents must’ve been really proud of their girl’s ta-tas to let her show the whole world her rack like that at such a young age.  Birch, who has matured A LOT since Monkey Trouble, doesn’t get naked, although she does have a decent wet T-shirt scene about halfway through the movie.   

 

The dude from Wrong Turn gets the best line of the movie when he says; “I killed by best friend for a Coke!”

 

AKA:  After the Hole.