September 25th, 2008

STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION (2004) *

If you are like me and you love the original Starship Troopers, do whatever you can to avoid this straight-to-DVD pile of bug shit.  Remember how the first Starship Troopers had a lot of biting black humor and was filled with satirical jabs at the armed forces recruitment process?  Uh-uh.  Not in this movie.  How about the awesome special effects of swarming teems of thousands of bugs attacking soldiers?  It’s here, but only in the first five minutes or so.  Doogie Howser dressed up like a futuristic Nazi?  Nada. 

 

Would you like to know more?

 

How about the fact that this flick’s budget was so fucking pathetic (they only had 5% of the original’s moolah) that the filmmakers were forced to come up with another way for soldiers to fight bugs that somehow didn’t involve expensive CGI effects.  What they settled on is having the bugs get inside the soldiers’ bodies and controlling them so that they can turn other soldiers into human bug farms. 

 

The thing that really depressed me about this cheap-ass soulless hemorrhoid of a movie was that it ripped off wholesale from countless other (BETTER) movies left and right and never bothered to come up with anything new on its own.  The Marine grunts running around shooting aliens was exactly like Aliens.  The aliens that jump down the throats of their victims and turn them into mindless, seemingly indestructible drones was exactly like The Hidden.  The alien drones in human form conspiring to turn others into one of “them” is exactly like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  Using psychics to… ugh… you get the idea. 

 

The ONLY thing that this flick really had going for it was the gore.  There were a few fine impalings, a severed head, fingers getting chopped off, and bugs bursting out of people’s skulls.  The nudity was fleeting but it was there. 

 

Legendary FX man Phil Tippett made his directorial debut with this shit stain.  While he is an expert in the special effects field (this is the man who invented Tauntauns here, people), when it comes to directing living, breathing actors; the results are anything BUT special.

 

The butch lesbo gets the only good line of the flick when she says, “Is this one of your psychic hot flashes?” 

LITTLE COREY GOREY (1993) * ½

Corey Gorey (Todd Fortune) is a dim-witted teenager who moves into a new neighborhood with his extremely abusive and overweight stepmother who loves nothing more than making him wait on her hand and foot.  One night, Corey inadvertently kills his hateful stepbrother and covers up the murder by hacking him up and storing the body parts in the freezer.  Corey also keeps his mama tied up on the couch and throughout the course of the movie flattens the mail lady underneath a car, butchers a drug dealer and slaughters his would-be girlfriend with a Black and Decker power saw.  When his stepmother finally gets free, she chases him around the house with a butcher knife, but luckily for Corey the cops show up on the scene to save his bacon.   

 

This comedy-horror flick plays like a demented John Hughes movie; minus the laughs.  It could’ve worked though had the movie actually been funny as the premise seems solid enough.  Too bad director William Morroni is no John Hughes. 

 

The best part of the film was the hideous white trash 80’s fashions.  Yeah I know the flick was released in 1993, but I honestly don’t remember anyone in ’93 who still sported a mullet and wore acid washed jeans with the knees ripped out.  (Though to be fair to the movie, they still dress that way in New Jersey to this very day.)  And for a movie with the word “Gorey” in the title, there is precious little red stuff to be found.  We do get to see Corey’s brother’s amputated legs getting stuffed into the fridge, but for the most part it looks as if a lot of the gore got cut out.  It should’ve been called No Gorey Corey.  

SS GIRLS (1977) ***

Bruno (Night of the Zombies) Mattei was behind the camera for this better than you’d expect Naziploitation flick that plays like a random ass hybrid of The Dirty Dozen and The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. 

 

Crazed Nazi officer Hans Schellenberg (Gabriele Carrara) gets handpicked by Der Fuehrer for a top secret operation to root out soldiers who may not be 100% loyal to The Third Reich.  The plan is to round up the ten best hookers in Germany and set them up in a secluded brothel where they can fuck the top Nazi brass.  Hopefully when they are all liquored up and spent from a night of passion, the soldiers will spew out some anti-Fuehrer sentiment that will land them in hot water. 

 

But since Hans is a perverted perfectionist, he hires two scientists (one is a hot chick who looks like Martine Beswick with a big scar on her face) to teach the girls to be even more skanky by having them fuck all kinds of nasty people like dirty dykes, deformed dudes and even a damned dog!  (Of course it HAD to be a German Shepherd, right?)  The thinking behind that is if they don’t say no to a dog, they won’t have any problems catering to the desires of debased one-eyed Nazis who like their sex a little kinky. 

 

Naziploitation is a crude and skuzzy subgenre that isn’t for all tastes.  Having said that, if you are in the mood for crude and skuzzy, then SS Girls will definitely be your cup of tea.  The sheer amount of female flesh that was paraded around makes the flick recommendation enough, but the montage Mattei cooked up in which the hos exercised, fucked dogs AND took a ballerina class in order to become a better slut was priceless.

 

Honestly though, if I could single out just one reason why you should see SS Girls it’s for Gabriele Carrara.  This dude is a lunatic.  His whacked out performance made Crispin Glover look like Mister Rogers.

 

SS Girls gets off to a great start but things quickly run out of steam once Carrara hari-karis himself.  As entertaining as the rest of the movie was, without the amazing presence of Carrara (who was also in Mattei’s Women’s Camp 119 the same year), it was severely lacking in the crazy department. 

 

AKA:  Private House of the SS.