September 30th, 2008


After the horrendous Starship Troopers 2:  Hero of the Federation, I had zero hopes for yet another straight to DVD sequel.  Turns out, this one isn’t terrible.  I’ll tell you one thing; I’d never thought I’d be so happy to see Casper Van Dien, that’s for damn sure.


Yes, you heard me.  Casper Van Dien is back ladies and gentlemen and for the first time in the history of cinema, he gives the best performance out of anyone in a movie.  I usually crap all over this guy (mostly because he married Catherine Oxenberg, who I WOULD have married if she ever gave me the time of day) but I have to admit that he’s pretty great in this flick. 


Van Dien is once again Johnny Rico, commander of the Starship Troopers who relentlessly wage war against an army of carnivorous bugs.  Early on in the flick, Rico gets into a bar fight and is sentenced to hang (those fascists of the future are so particular) but his bacon gets saved by a bean counter who wants Johnny to go on a top secret rescue mission to save his girlfriend.  Johnny’s not so sure about it but once he finds out that he gets to run around in a Marauder, a mechanized armored suit that looks like a cross between Iron Monger and ED-209, he says let’s do it. 


A couple hundred barbequed bugs later; it’s Hero Time. 


Like its predecessor, Starship Troopers 3 keeps its killer bug attacks limited to the first and last fifteen minutes.  Unlike that flick though, this one keeps the satirical tone that made the first one so memorable intact.  (That’s probably because first time director Ed Neumeier also wrote the original.)  The hilarious news reports are more plentiful this time around and there’s a great jingoistic federation approved theme song, “Today is a Good Day to Die” that helps lure cadets into enlisting.  The co-ed nudity is more plentiful too and that’s always a plus. 


The special effects are not bad.  Although the CGI bugs in this one move pretty stiffly and look a little too “clean”, they still slice and dice troopers like there’s no tomorrow.  The new “Scorpion Bug” is kinda tight although it’s too bad that the final “God Bug” just looks like a giant diseased cunt attached to a bunch of Alaskan King Crab Legs.


Even though Marauder is a fuck of a lot better than Part 2 that still doesn’t necessarily mean it’s in the clear.  The endless scenes of the marooned troopers wandering aimlessly around a barren desert REALLY slow things down and again, the bug battling is kept to a minimum.  And with the exception of Van Dien and the hotter-than-shit Jolene (Enterprise) Blalock, most of the cast is thoroughly ass.  Sure in the first Starship Troopers, that was the point, but here the cadets don’t seem to be in on the joke.  Oh well, you really won’t care once Casper and a few of his buddies hop into the Marauders and beat the snot out of hundreds of swarming bugs. 


Van Dien gets the best line of the movie when he barks out:  “Soldier, make yourself useful!  Pick up that arm and find out who it belongs to!”