October 4th, 2008

INSIDE (2008) ****

To me, about the only good thing that ever came out of France was French Fries.  I mean think about it, what have the French ever really gave us that was so great?  The answer is not much.  Luckily the French made horror flick, Inside is pretty fucking amazing and features more gratuitous bloodletting than a dozen American horror flicks combined. 

 

The story is simple.  A pregnant woman is home alone on Christmas Eve when a psycho chick wielding a pair of scissors shows up wanting to snatch her baby.  And she ain’t waiting till it’s born either.  I mean she wants to cut the bitch open and pull that little sucker right out.

 

No plot.  Just crazy woman vs. pregnant woman trapped in a house playing cat and mouse with each other.  To make sure there is a nice body count, the directors Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury slyly keep having tons of folk stopping by to see how the pregger gal is doing so that the gonzo murderess can hack them up. 

 

The premise almost too thin though and the film often feels padded, even though the running time is a mere 83 minutes.  That’s okay though because this insane Frenchie broad creates some of the most memorable carnage I’ve seen in a horror flick in recent months.  We get:  scissors into the belly button, a hatpin to the neck accompanied by some glorious arterial spray, scissors to the face, scissors to the hand, hatpin to the eyeball, one of the greatest head blowing off scenes ever filmed, scissors to the noggin, heads getting bashed in with toasters, faces getting burned off, throat poking (No not that kind of throat poking, get your head out of the gutter.), awesome involuntary water-breaking and a particularly inspired use of Staples Office Products for an emergency C-section.  There’s also some excellent projectile vomiting, a spectacular baby coming out of the mouth dream sequence and a groovy piss-on-the-floor scene thrown in there for good measure. 

 

One thing that pissed me off about this movie was the music.  It sounded like a goddamned smoke alarm going off.  I know the intended effect was supposed to be “unsettling” but to me it was more annoying than anything else. 

 

But I’m nitpicking.  If my biggest complaint with a movie is the fucking tunes, then who really gives a flip?  Inside is tighter than a nun’s hoo-hah and has several scenes that will be hard to stomach (no pun intended) for not only expectant mothers, but even die hard horror fans and gorehounds as well.

 

Word is that the Weinstein Brothers have hired the French guys who directed this movie to do the next Halloween movie.  If that’s the case, I think old Michael Myers is in good hands. 

 

Inside has enough prenatal panic, spontaneous scissor cut Caesarians, and gallons and gallons of blood to dethrone The Dark Knight for the 10 spot on the Video Vacuum Top Ten for 2008.