October 13th, 2008

BOARDING GATE (2008) ½ *

Asia Argento is one of my favorite actresses working in films right now, mostly because she always seems to find a way to take off all of her clothes.  (Plus those skanky tattoos are kinda hot, especially that one of the huge angel coming out of her twat.)  Michael Madsen has always been one of my favorite actors, mostly because he always plays the same guy (the embittered badass) in every movie.  S & M sex is always fun because I always got off on that “Master/Slave” shit.  So, you would think that Boarding Gate, a movie that features Asia Argento and Michael Madsen having S & M sex would be one for the record books, right?  Wrong.  This movie sucks donkey balls. 


Basically what we have is Michael Madsen is this big deal businessman who likes to have S & M sex with Asia Argento.  So far, so good.  The thing is, before the S & M sex, they like to have long, drawn out conversations where they barely speak above a whisper and you have to turn the volume setting on your Wal-Mart LCD television up to about 75 just to figure out what the fuck they’re talking about.


Turns out it’s a bunch of boring Emo shit about how he’s all depressed about his wife leaving him and taking the kids.  Dude, Asia Argento is down on her knees wearing see-through black lingerie, all ready to fuck and you’re talking about your fucking wife and kids?!?


Anyway to spice things up, Asia reverses the roles and handcuffs Mikey Boy up and forces him to get on his knees.  Then she does something REALLY kinky:  She blows his brains out the back of his head with a silenced hand cannon. 


So, Asia runs back to her drug smuggling Asian boss who hired her to do the hit and he tells her to lay low for a few days and go to Hong Kong to chill out.  She does, but once she gets there, there’s a bunch of guys who try to kill her, so she’s got to shoot herself a few Asian dudes. 


Then we learn that Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth is somehow involved in all of this.  Apparently the kids don’t go gaga for the grunge music like they used to, so poor Kim's got to be a go-between for Asian hitmen and Italian hookers just to pay the bills. 


When Asia finds the slimy douche bag that set her up, she grabs a steak knife and… lets him go.  The end.  Fuck the what?


I don’t know about this movie.  I “get” the ending (Madsen hired the Asian dude to hire Asia to kill him because he was depressed that his wife left him) but that doesn’t necessarily mean it was a sturdy enough premise to sustain a 106 minute movie.  Watching this movie is like watching some artsy fartsy director try to make one of those Shannon Tweed “erotic thrillers” or something.  Sure, there’s murder and sex; just not very much of it.  And all these fuckers do is talk, talk, talk.  Most of Asia and Mike’s scenes together seem like a bad off Broadway play as they endlessly drone on and on about God knows what. 


The movie HAD potential.  If the filmmakers went hogwild on the nudity and violence, it could’ve been a classic.  Sadly, they opt for a bunch of aforementioned artsy fartsy crap instead. 


Oh and WHY THE FUCK WAS THIS MOVIE CALLED BOARDING GATE?  There is ONE scene in the movie where Asia goes past an airport boarding gate, but that lasts all of two damn seconds.  It shoulda been called BORING GATE for Fuck’s Sakes.


Star Trek’s William Shatner stars in this dirt cheap Spaghetti Western in the dual role of half white, half Comanche twins.  One is the good guy, and the other is a crazy Indian who wears war paint, rapes white women and eats lots of peyote.  The good Shatner gets tired of being mistaken for his Hell raising brother and decides to settle things once and for all by going mano y mano with him in a duel to the death.


Okay let’s review.  William Shatner playing not one but TWO roles, overacting like only the Shatman can.  A bare-chested William Shatner hopped up on peyote, wearing face paint and riding around the prairie massacring white folk while screaming out Indian war cries.  The “good” Shatner saying shit like, “Eat the peyote, drug of the Devil!  Dream your dream of hate!”  The “bad” Shatner trying to talk like an Indian by speaking in broken English and saying things like, “I have seen in the dreams that do not lie… the bodies of the pale eyes burning!”


No criticism necessary.  You’re either the kind of person who will enjoy seeing Shatner square off against himself in a low budget Spaghetti Western or you aren’t.  Yeah, I would’ve loved more Shatner on Shatner action (the evil brother disappears for the middle section of the film), but when Shatner is dueling it out with his evil Comanche twin, it’s good times all around.


AKA:  Hour of Vengeance.  AKA:  Rio Hondo.