MAX PAYNE (2008) *
Okay ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to play How Bad Is it?
Alright Mitch, just how bad is Max Payne?
Well, Max Payne is probably the worst theatrically released movie based on a video game ever made. Director John (The Omen remake)
Well, we all know how bad most movies based on video games are anyway; but really how bad is Max Payne?
It makes Silent Hill look like Night of the Living Dead.
How are the action scenes?
What action scenes? There are approximately two and a half shootouts in the film; all of which take up about two minutes of screen time.
You mean each shootout is two minutes long?
No I mean the first is about 45 seconds long, the mini-shootout is 15 seconds long and the final shootout runs about a full minute. Let me clue you in to just how little action is in the film: Max Payne doesn’t fire his gun until about the 60 minute mark and the film is only about 95 minutes long if you don’t count the end credits.
What about the plot? Surely if nothing happens in that first hour or so, the plot has to at least…
What plot? Max is looking for the people who killed his wife. He finds them. Along the way he takes this drug that’s kinda like Angel Dust. No it IS Angel Dust because once he takes it, he sees a lot of poorly done CGI angels floating around.
Oh, let’s talk about the CGI angel effects, how bad are they?
They look like unused test footage from
Ouch. How about the performances?
Marky Mark LOOKED the part of Max Payne but sadly whenever he opened his mouth, all bets were off. His annoying lisp ruined any credibility Mark had at making Max a bad ass. It’s not his fault though, he was just woefully miscast. They really shoulda gotten somebody like Michael Madsen instead. Not that anyone else in the cast was much better. It’s a sad thing when Ludacris gives your movie’s best performance.
Well, do you have anything GOOD to say about the movie?
Yeah actually; Olga Kurylenko (star of another bad movie based on a video game, Hitman) is pretty damn sexy looking in the flick. Too bad we only see her naked from the back. (We’ll probably have to wait until the “Unrated” DVD to see her titties.)
So honestly Mitch… How Bad Is Max Payne?
Watching Max Payne is about as much fun as setting fire to your scrotum then putting out the flames with a rusty hammer.