The Video Vacuum

Okay ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to play How Bad Is it? 

Alright Mitch, just how bad is Max Payne?

Well, Max Payne is probably the worst theatrically released movie based on a video game ever made.  Director John (The Omen remake) Moore makes Uwe Boll look like John Woo in comparison.  I may give Uwe Boll a lot of shit, but at least he didn’t direct Max Payne.

Well, we all know how bad most movies based on video games are anyway; but really how bad is Max Payne?

It makes Silent Hill look like Night of the Living Dead.

How are the action scenes?

What action scenes?  There are approximately two and a half shootouts in the film; all of which take up about two minutes of screen time. 

You mean each shootout is two minutes long? 

No I mean the first is about 45 seconds long, the mini-shootout is 15 seconds long and the final shootout runs about a full minute.  Let me clue you in to just how little action is in the film:  Max Payne doesn’t fire his gun until about the 60 minute mark and the film is only about 95 minutes long if you don’t count the end credits.

What about the plot?  Surely if nothing happens in that first hour or so, the plot has to at least…

What plot?  Max is looking for the people who killed his wife.  He finds them.  Along the way he takes this drug that’s kinda like Angel Dust.  No it IS Angel Dust because once he takes it, he sees a lot of poorly done CGI angels floating around.

Oh, let’s talk about the CGI angel effects, how bad are they?

They look like unused test footage from Constantine. 

Ouch.  How about the performances?

Marky Mark LOOKED the part of Max Payne but sadly whenever he opened his mouth, all bets were off.  His annoying lisp ruined any credibility Mark had at making Max a bad ass.  It’s not his fault though, he was just woefully miscast.  They really shoulda gotten somebody like Michael Madsen instead.  Not that anyone else in the cast was much better.  It’s a sad thing when Ludacris gives your movie’s best performance.

Well, do you have anything GOOD to say about the movie? 

Yeah actually; Olga Kurylenko (star of another bad movie based on a video game, Hitman) is pretty damn sexy looking in the flick.  Too bad we only see her naked from the back.  (We’ll probably have to wait until the “Unrated” DVD to see her titties.) 

So honestly Mitch… How Bad Is Max Payne? 

Watching Max Payne is about as much fun as setting fire to your scrotum then putting out the flames with a rusty hammer.

The thing you just kind of have to admire about all those Horny Teenager Movies that Crown International Pictures released in the 70’s and 80’s was that they sure knew how to show off a lot of T & A.  Take Malibu Beach for instance.  There is an absolute barest minimum of plot.  Basically, two girls and two guys fall in love on the titular beach and get into a series of predictable predicaments.  That’s it. 

All of their shenanigans are just an excuse to showcase some fairly decent teenage ta-tas.  We have skinny-dipping.  We have sex.  There are no shower scenes so I have to take a half star off on that.  To make up for that minor infraction though, director Robert J. Rosenthal throws in a subplot about a dog who likes to run around the beach and steal women’s bikini tops, which leads to a lot of quality boobage.  If the dog was the star of the movie, we may have had a classic on our hands.  (Think Benji in Heat.)   

Malibu Beach doesn’t reinvent the wheel here; it just gives you what you paid your money for.  Nothing more, nothing less.  So if you see at least a dozen Horny Teenager Movies in a year, probably Malibu Beach should be one of them. 

Co-star Stephen Oliver also starred in another Crown International hit, The Van, playing the same character.  Rosenthal later went on to direct the immortal Scott Baio classic, Zapped!