November 2nd, 2008

TRAILER PARK OF TERROR (2008) *

A sexy white trash succubus (Nicole Hiltz) lures a busload of Jesus Campers to her trailer park where she seduces and murders them.  She also has an army of white trash zombies who help her dispose of the meat. 

 

This sounds like it has all the makings of a classic but it pretty much sucks more nuts than a toothless squirrel.  Several things hamper what could’ve been an entertaining flick.  First and foremost was all the irritating flashbacks.  Second was the dumbass redneck zombie who acted like a fucking Greek Chorus and sang a bunch of shitty rockabilly songs for no good reason whatsoever.  The biggest disappointment in the film though was the conspicuous lack of female skin.  Every time the succubus does the nasty in this flick, she keeps her top on.  Seriously, we’re talking about a trailer park prostitute/succubus here.  You mean to tell me she’s not going to show her goodies?  One star deduction for illogical plotting.

 

Then you had the fact that all the characters were one note and annoying.  There was the stuck-up Goth chick, the gay guy, the horn dog, the black chick, the fat girl and the asshole.  Yeah, I know this is a horror movie and they are only there for the purpose of being killed off, but c’mon; none of these fuckers are remotely likable.  As for all of the trailer park residents, they all try WAY too hard to be white trash and in the process end up looking and sounding utterly ridiculous.  If the film had been cast with exclusively real life trailer park people, the film could’ve been the stuff nightmares are made from.  There’s also a bunch of business involving an omnipotent stranger with mysterious powers (played by country star Trace Adkins) who likes to hang around whose presence is never properly explained. 

 

The gore is the only thing worth a toss in this flick.  There are severed heads, severed arms, gut munching, human filleting, and human deep frying.  The best scene though is the spine-snapping Asian massage, complete with a decidedly unhappy "Happy Ending".  Maybe if the filmmakers had based the whole film around this scene and called it Massage Parlor of Terror, it might’ve been slightly better.  Slightly.