November 5th, 2008


The asshole dude from Wedding Crashers plays this wimpy photographer who wants to be famous so he goes around taking corny pictures of people he meets in the city.  Hot shot agent Brooke Shields takes one looks at the dude’s pictures and says “No way Jose” and tells him to stay with his subjects until something “happens”.  So the next night the jerk goes out and follows Vinnie Jones home on the subway.  The dude from Wedding Crashers is not the sharpest tool in the box because following Vinnie Jones ANYWHERE is just not a good idea. 


You see, Vinnie plays this butcher who likes to take the late subway train home from work every night so he take an industrial sized meat tenderizer and bash in the faces of whoever is left onboard.  Then he strips them down, hangs them upside down and lets a slimy extra from Demon Knight chow down on their carcasses.  And Vinnie will do whatever it takes to make sure the ugly Hell beast gets his “meat”. 


The Midnight Meat Train was based on a short story by Clive Barker and it’s one of those movies where it’s painfully obvious that it was based on a short story.  The tell tale sign is that the movie runs 90 minutes but only has enough plot to fill up about 30.  The flick is great for the first half hour or so as it’s mostly nothing but Jones smashing people up with a meat tenderizer.  I dug that shit and if things kept up, the film could’ve been a classic. 


After that though, things get extremely bogged down as the photographer’s hottie girlfriend (the sexy Leslie Bibb) starts snooping around to find Jones’ true identity.  The movie quickly begins to circle the drain from there, culminating in a “twist” ending that is as predictable as it is weak.  Oh well.  If Clive had kept things to about a half hour, it would have made for a kick ass Tales from the Crypt episode.  


This film became infamous after Lionsgate pulled it from its release schedule and only showed it in “Dollar Theaters”, before turning up on FearNet (Comcast’s On Demand horror channel) a month later.  It’s easy to see why.  With the exception of a couple juicy, gory face bashings and a superb performance by Jones, The Midnight Meat Train isn’t exactly a ride worth taking.