November 22nd, 2008

FUTURE WAR (1997) *

An alien slave known only as “Runaway” (Daniel Bernhardt) escapes to Earth and is hunted by an evil cyborg (Robert Z’Dar) and his hungry “Trackers” (a bunch of rubber dinosaur puppets).  Runaway shacks up with a hot nun (Travis Brooks Stewart) with a shady past (she used to be a junkie prostitute don’t ya know) and together they team up to blow up a lot of toy dinosaurs.

 

Future War is one of those movies that is so mercilessly stupid that you just have to laugh.  Nothing in the movie makes sense.  Dinosaurs?  Cyborgs with mullets?  Nuns who used to be hookers?  Your brain might not be able to cope with the unending parade of idiocy that is this movie.

 

Bernhardt is a pathetic hero.  He looks like an emaciated Jean Claude Van Damme and has all the screen presence of a turnip.  Like JCVD, he is a kickboxer and gets to strut his kickboxing stuff several times during the flick.  I’m not going to argue that the guy has some athletic skill but he’s got zero charisma.  Z’Dar is thoroughly wasted and his clunky get-up doesn’t do him any favors.  Stewart isn’t bad, although she is given very little to do aside from being annoyingly chipper. 

 

This movie also sets some kind of record for fight scenes involving empty cardboard boxes.  The sight of a second rate kickboxing actor throwing cardboard boxes at a portly cyborg is one that will stay will you for a long time.  The flick also has some of the most glaring continuity errors in the history of cinema (pay close attention to Bernhardt’s reappearing wounds during the finale) that will have you shaking your head in disbelief. 

 

Look fast for a cameo by Famous Monsters of Filmland creator, Forrest J. Ackerman as a victim of the dinosaur’s bloodthirsty rampage.

SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM (1977) ***

During WWII, a quartet of debauched Italian fascists decides they all should have an orgy for 120 days so they go around the countryside rounding up a bunch of young boys and girls and take them to a secluded mansion where they can get down and funky.  First, they get these old bitches to stand up in front of everybody and tell some sexy stories (there was no internet porn in those days so this was the closest thing to erotica these people had) until the leaders get so aroused that they have to fuck anything that breathes.  One day, one of the old bitches tells a story about poop and it’s such a smashing success that the leaders get the bright idea to make everybody eat their own shit.  In the end, the leaders kinda flip out and tie up all their orgy participants and gouge out their eyes, burn off their nipples, cut off their tongues and scalp them.  The End.

 

Salo has hands down one of the most fucked up movies I have ever seen in my life so that alone makes it highly recommended right there.  You should have an iron clad stomach and preferably not eat anything before you sit down to watch it though.  The thing I liked about Salo is that it was short on plot and long on crazy shit (literally).  There was always something insane happening and that made me want to watch every fucking second of the movie, even when I was turning my head in disgust.  Speaking of disgust, Salo also features enough scenes of naked girls eating shit than I don’t know what.

 

This flick must have been the 2 Girls 1 Cup of its day.

 

Salo would’ve naturally gotten the four star treatment but I had to knock a star off for the gratuitous amounts of man on man action.  I’m not a homophobe or anything; I just believe in equal representation.  Case in point:  there is almost an hour and forty five minutes of man on man stuff, but like only forty five seconds of girl on girl action.  If director Pier Paolo Pasolini gave the same amount of time to both the lesbians and the gay guys, Salo would’ve been one for the record books. 

 

Still, this movie freaked people out so bad that they murdered Pasolini in the street shortly after the film premiered!  Christ, the movie is so fucked up that the director got killed over it, so I can’t bear to give it a negative review.  (It seems that getting murdered is the harshest review of them all.)

 

Besides, any movie that features turds being served on a buffet can’t be all bad.