December 14th, 2008

THE NEWLYDEADS (1987) ** ½

I feel sicker than a damned dog because my sinuses have gone completely haywire this week.  As I sit typing this, I have snot running out of my nose the consistency of Nickelodeon Floam, so I’ll keep this review short and sweet.

 

THE PLOT:  A sleazy guy who owns a lodge for honeymooning couples gets hit on by a tranny and he gets so mad that he kills the he-she.  15 years later on the sleazy guy’s wedding day, the zombie/ghost of the tranny comes back to drive him insane and force him to kill his guests.  Meanwhile, an irritating psychic tries to figure everything out.

 

THE GORE:  Surprisingly not bad.  There is an ice pick to the temple, a kitchen knife to the stomach, a pole through the mouth, and a pretty nifty decapitation.

 

NUDITY:  A lot of 80’s bimbos with heavy duty make-up show off their jugs in the shower, the Jacuzzi and in bed.  All C cups and above, all natural too.

 

IS IT WORTH A SHIT?:  Yeah it’s not bad.  Not great, but it makes for a breezy way to kill 75 minutes.  The flick has the look of an 80’s porno.  That’s not a good thing or a bad thing; just an observation.  I had fun watching Jay (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) Richardson as the husband of the stupid psychic and spotting a young Doug (Fantastic Four:  Rise of the Silver Surfer) Jones as a punk rocker.  A lot of the flick didn’t make much sense and was blatantly stupid.  That’s okay though because this is the only movie I can think of that features a zombie tranny.  You at least have to give the filmmakers credit for trying something a little different I guess.  It's certainly a lot better than most of the Troma movies I've been watching lately.

CURSE OF THE CANNIBAL CONFEDERATES (1982) * ½

John Holmes, Gregg Allman, and Jesus Christ (well not John Holmes, Gregg Allman and Jesus Christ specifically, just three dirty hippies that kinda look like those guys) go on a hunting trip with their Oriental girlfriends out into the woods.  John Holmes finds a Confederate burial ground and steals a diary from a church just for shits and giggles.  By removing the book, he awakens the undead army of Confederate soldiers, who come out of their graves to munch on some hippie guts.

 

Much of Curse of the Cannibal Confederates in indefensible.  The acting is amateurish at best, the editing sucks, the lighting is too dark, and the music will put you to sleep.  (And I do mean that literally as I dozed off about 25 minutes into this stinkburger.) 

 

Having said that, the flick does offer two or three excellent gut-munching scenes and the exploding head gags are hilarious.  The zombie make-up is adequate and the scenes where the undead soldiers rise from their graves are done well, given the budget and talent involved.  While Curse of the Cannibal Confederates does have all that going for it, the flick gets derailed every time the stupid Kiyomi chick opens her mouth.  What’s worse is that this girl is supposed to be BLIND, but there are several scenes in which she can be seen walking around the dark forest alone with the greatest of ease. 

 

The director was probably blind too I guess.

 

AKA:  Curse of the Screaming Dead.  AKA:  Curse of the Confederate Cannibals.