December 20th, 2008

THE COP IN BLUE JEANS (1976) **

There is a purse snatching ring of thieves who ride around Italy on mopeds stealing women’s clutches and pickpocketing unsuspecting men’s wallets.  (At one point they even use a trained German Shepard to steal a dude’s wallet.)  When the gang of miscreants on motor scooters steals a briefcase from a shady diplomat (Jack Palance), our hero Nico (Tomas Milian), a scruffy, unshaven, toboggan wearing motorcycle riding cop, is called on to bring down the thieves. 

 

The Cop in Blue Jeans was the first in a series of eleven films in which Tomas Milian played the oddball detective Nico.  I liked him a lot in the role and he gave his character a lot of weird quirks like keeping his toboggan on during sex and naming his animals after famous movie cops.  Palance was OK, although he really didn’t make much of an impression during his limited screen time.

 

The action scenes were generally well done.  The opening scene when our hero catches one of the thieves in a marketplace and throws him into just about every fruit cart in the street was pretty cool and I liked the part when he smacked a guy around a bathroom stall and stuck his head in the toilet.  There were a smattering of decent fight scenes here and there and an adequate rooftop chase as well.

 

After a promising start, The Cop in Blue Jeans starts to get redundant after about 45 minutes or so.  A guy steals a purse.  Nico roughs him up.  Repeat.  It says a lot for your movie when purse snatching is the most exciting thing it has to offer.  It’s far from the worst Italian detective flick I’ve seen that’s for sure.

FEMALE VAMPIRE (1973) ****

Special Note:  I wanted to let everyone know that I’m writing this review entirely with my penis.  I don’t mean that literally of course because if I actually wrote this review with my penis it would look something like this:  klhsjjfjljklsjlksjlk.  No, this review was completely written “with the little head” as they say; although it’s not really that “little” of a head, it’s more of a “size doesn’t matter” head.

 

Jess Franco is a director that’s all over the map.  Sometimes the man gives us supremely shitty cinematic atrocities like Devil Hunter and other times he’ll direct a masterpiece like Sadomania.  Female Vampire ranks up right there with Franco’s all time best.

 

Lina Romay plays the Female Vampire who sucks semen and blood from her victims.  First she gives a chicken farmer a blowjob and sucks his semen and blood from him.  Then she gives a masseur a blowjob and sucks the semen and blood from him.  She kinda gets a little sexually frustrated so she balls his corpse afterwards.  Next, she goes down on a female reporter and sucks her female jizz and blood from her puss.  This also gets her sexually frustrated so she spends the next ten minutes masturbating by humping a bedpost, then her pillow.  After that, she goes to visit a dominatrix who whips her a bit, which naturally leads to more lethal cunnilingus.  Things take a turn for the romantic when she picks up Jack Taylor and actually lets him fuck her once before she drains him of his vital life juices.  In the end, she takes a bath in a tub of Hawaiian Punch (I think it was supposed to be blood, but it was pretty hard to tell) before getting killed by the director.

 

Man, I love this movie.  Seriously.  No plot except the Female Vampire sucking and fucking.  And even when we were threatened with a plot (blind occultist tracking the vampire, the doctor hunting the vampire, potential romance with Jack Taylor), it just lead to more sucking and fucking.

 

I knew this was going to be a great movie from the very first scene which is just Lina walking in the woods wearing a cape, a belt and a pair of leather boots.  She approaches the camera and Franco films every inch of her body before zooming in really close on her pussy.  During the course of the movie there must have been about an even dozen lingering close-ups of Lina Romay’s pussy.  In short, this is Franco’s Citizen Kane.  In fact, this is better than Citizen Kane.  Before you argue with me, let me ask you a question:  Did Orson Welles’ movie have twelve full-on beaver shots?  Didn’t think so.  Remember that the next time it comes on Turner Classic Movies, fuckers.

 

I really respected Romay’s acting in this movie.  First off she was a mute.  The only time she opened her mouth in this movie was for some deep throat action.  Pretty much a perfect woman if you ask me.  Secondly, she mostly wore just a cape, a belt and a pair of leather boots.  (I still don’t know why she needed the belt because she never once wore pants in the movie.  Oh well.)  Most times though she opted not to wear the cape.  Other times, she kinda forgot to put on the belt AND the boots.  On the RARE occasion, she DID wear something; it was totally see through so it was all good.

 

As strange as this may sound (I’m about to get REALLY film snobby on you all here, so just bear with me), I actually enjoyed the ONLY scene in which Romay was fully clothed.  It came at the very end, after her “death” when she walks into the woods; which is Franco’s metaphor for Heaven.  She spent the whole movie naked and sinning but when she went to nirvana she had the decency to put on some threads.  That’s one classy broad for ya.  Respect.   

 

Yeah, Franco overdid it with the camera zooms, but since most of the time the camera was zooming in on some bush, it was okay.  Sure, there was no need for this movie to run 110 minutes, but since Romay was naked for approximately 109 minutes of the running time, it was time well spent.  Despite a few flaws here and there, Female Vampire is still worthy of a Four Boners rating.  Besides, any movie with TEN alternate titles HAS to be worth a look, right?

 

AKA:  Bare Breasted Countess.  AKA:  Erotic Kill.  AKA:  Erotikill.  AKA:  Insatiable Lust.  AKA:  Jacula.  AKA:  Sicarius:  The Midnight Party.  AKA:  The Black Countess.  AKA:  The Last Thrill.  AKA:  The Loves of Irina.  AKA:  Yacula.